Remember this at Christmas Time (Rudolpha)

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.

Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.

We should've known...

ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

A MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!

Short ~n~ Sweet

It's been a while... I've been keeping busy working on my nursing portfolio. Time is creeping up on me and THANK GOD I am almost done. I will have it completed and submitted by Dec. 1st and then I will know my fate. I know HE is on my side and am pretty sure grams is putting in a good word for me.

So the holidays are coming up and I have no clue what I am doing. I was hoping to visit mom but I'm not sure yet. I kinda don't wanna leave gramps since this is our first holiday season with out grams. I usually don't see dad since he spends it with his wife's daughter (yeah, my step sister). Guess I'm heading out to Rikki's (my cuz, Aiden's mom)(Oh yeah... Aiden is my nephew from the previous blog... you know... the pics. ). Well I guess that's all for now... I'm gonna get a few things done before I go to bed... I AM ACTUALLY GONNA GO TO BED EARLY... well attempt to anyway. I have this "Turkey Trot" 2 mile run/walk thing at 0600. UGH I KNOW THAT IS EARLY!

I'm gonna share a pic my mom sent...

ENJOY and Happy Holidays if I'm not back by then.

How Pumpkin Pies are made.................

Autumn in the Valley...

The weather appears to be letting up... FINALLY! And while I know I shouldn't hold my breath and I probably just jinxed the entire Valley, I must admit I have been enjoying the cool weather at 85 degrees (F). That is fresh for our area and guess what? Some nights I even get to wear a cute and fashionable sweater. All year long we experience scorching temperatures with intense humidity minus a couple months of Valley cold fronts (60-80 degrees). Everyday is a bad hair day and expect to sweat. I feel like a pair of sweaty, sticky balls that have marinated in gym shorts all day long (What? Guys say that all the time). There are some days where it is so hot my my jeans stick to my ass and thighs that I am ever so tempted to apply a cool patch to my crotch. Not a nice feeling. But like I said, the temperature has dropped the air feels crisp and it actually feels like Fall.


OK, so our trees don't turn beautiful colors (unless you think silver barren trees are lovely) and we don't get to run around in scarves and winter attire, but we do make the best of it. We watch football and BBQ with a beer in hand. We get to wear flip flops all year long. Some days we even get to wear shorts and light sweater (OK I admit that's a little tacky) and our sunsets are beautiful.

We almost have a BBQ every weekend. I made some caramel apples. CAN YOU SAY YUMMY! And I baby sat my nephew this past weekend. I took him to the park and to Donna's Corn Maze. WE HAD A BLAST!

Here are some pics that I've taken that make me thankful for this beautiful season!

My Famous Caramel Apples

My nephew on Hay Bale Mountain
Corn from the Corn Maze

Getting Lost in the corn Maze (More corn)
Aiden at the park

Watching the other kids play

Sunset at the park (Fire in the Sky)

so much to do, so little time...

I finally started on my nursing portfolio a couple weeks ago. Basically, it's a binder full of remediation paperwork that I must complete and submit that will go to a committee and get "graded" in hopes of getting readmitted in the spring. So why am I just now starting to work on it after a couple of months? Hmmm. Let's see... Well when the semester ended and the shock of FAILING dissipated I took advantage of spending QT with grams. After her passing in September, it just took me a while to get into the grove of things again. I realized a little too late that I should have given myself a semester off to work and focus on other things like... ME OK, OK and my portfolio.

I now spend so much time at school that I only go home to sleep and the monotonous cycle repeats. What little time I did have is now consumed by watching NCLEX nursing videos, hours of note taking, and NCLEX practice exams. It's all worth it, but I seriously need some down time. I guess you can consider blogging downtime or my aerobics class "me" time. Actually, what I had in mind was beach (Always sunny here), BBQ, and beer. I have until December 1st, I think, to complete my portfolio for readmission. I'm sure I'll do great. I have my mind set and by next summer (GOD WILLING), I'll be taking state boards to be Cyn RN. AHHH THAT'S MUSIC TO MY EARS! I can hardly contain myself, lol. So many of my friends are now on their way to take state boards. I wish them the best of luck. I still feel "out of the circle" but as they say, "Everything happens for a reason". And it does.

On another note. THANK GOD IT'S HUMP DAY! This week has dragged on way too long.

Time Change...

SUX... If you ask me. Ok... I LOVED the idea that I can be out an extra hour WHEN I WAS 18... but at 28, I make my own rules. I stay out as late as I want, which means I will come crawling in at dawn when ever I damn well please. So when I'm not staying out 'till the wee hours of the morning, I try and wind down early 'cause I actually got shit to do. Like this morning for instance... I set my alarm to wake me up at 9 so I could get up and redo my LIGHTS photo project (Yes... using natural light), well it's actually 10 a.m. so I missed my opportunity to get my morning shot which means I should have been up by 8, or something like that, I've already confused myself. DAMN IT!

Another reason I HATE time change... I woke up at 9 got hungry at 10, which is really 11. So I'm thinking of what I feel like eating but my body feels it's too late for breakfast... So what do I eat? Cereal or chicken salad? If I was at IHOP or Denny's this wouldn't be that difficult 'cause you can eat breakfast anytime of day... I suppose I could too here at home, but it's just not the same. I couldn't decide so I chugged down a big refreshing glass of diet coke... It SHOULD hold me over till I get hungry again and it feels appropriate for lunch time.

I'm done ranting FOR NOW.

Cinderella Incarnate/ Tribute to Manfriend

This blog has been in the works for like... 2 weeks now, I just never got around to finishing it.

It all started last, last Saturday (yeah... that's 2 Saturdays ago) which I spent with my dad and how I firmly believe that I am Cinderella Incarnate. Yep, I even have the evil step mother to prove it. OK... so I'm not a slave and she isn't evil but I like to think so sometimes. I asked my "manfriend" to put my face on Cinderella since I suck at photoshop (he didn't know it was for my blog). The picture below is what he came up with... We were talking on the phone when he starts laughing, actually he was chuckling (it was so cute how his little laugh made me laugh, but he didn't need to know that) so I'm like WTF is so funny? He said he just finished the picture and how he did such an awesome job and how he cracks himself up. I was like, "You better not have used an F'd up picture of me!". He emailed it to me... OK so I laughed too once I saw it. Actually... what I meant was if he could put my lovely face on the poor slave Cinderella not the princess (guess I didn't make myself clear), so it would fit the story line. This is what he came up with.

What a banana! Yup... Can you believe that Prince Charming is totally overshadowing Cinderella? Oh HELL NO! My Prince Charming is looking like a thug donning bubble gum wrapper grilz, cuz he cool like dat while Cinderella is suffering from shrunken head syndrome. I look cute though, I must admit lol (I like the pic anyway... It's way cute and he put a lot of thought into it lol). Anyhow... since the picture is obviously about him and not ME, I decided I'd use the picture even though he didn't know it would be available for everyone to see. So since I lost my mojo for the Cinderella blog, this is what it evolved into...

Tribute to MANFRIEND

(Yeah... this is him, I don't think these are too recent... It's hard to find some pics of him not goofing around)

Let me tell you a little about my "manfriend"...

He's addicted to porn and he masturbates constantly...PILLOW FIGHT!! HA HA HA! I'm just kidding, it's actually a quote from one of the BESTEST movies of ALL time (IMO), Sorority Boys. Actually the original quote says "I" instead of "he", so I obviously I changed it around. If you've seen it, you'll get it. I dubbed him "Grilz Charming and Prince Grilz" (I'd hope I wouldn't have to go into that after what was mentioned above) along with many other pet names I came up for him, but you don't need to know those. He has been anxiously awaiting this blog. Actually, once I told him about the Cinderella blog and how I was gonna post the lovely picture up anyway he got super stoked and then I told him I was gonna dedicate an entire blog to him, he was like OH, OK COOL! He was trying to be modest but I know he was shouting with excitement on the inside; He likes the attention... So every time I post a new blog (OK so it's been like three since I told him) he's like YAAY! until I break the news to him and tell him its not the one, then he's like Oh, ;( So where was I before I got distracted? (Remember I cant help the ADD... Just deal with it, it's not that hard to follow along) Oh yeah! I was mentioning some of my manfriend's qualities. OK... Well we obviously know he's a jokester, hence the picture. I can always count on him to make me smile when I'm feeling down. He is down to earth, a SWEETHEART (even though he tries to make a joke out of everything; Go figure!), musically and artistically inclined. Yes, he serenades me with his guitar and Digeridoo. Be jealous, BE VERY JEALOUS. OK so the digeriedoo is not quite romantic but at least I get a few laughs out of it. I hate that we live 1500 miles apart. His picture hung on "our" (ummmm. How do I put this... let's just leave it as mine and an ex) living room wall for two and a half years, so it almost seemed like fate when we started "talking". Basically, he is everything a chick could ask for. He is even "The nice guy" I didn't think existed this day in age. So there you have it ladies and gentlemen, and of course, my manfriend, who has been anxiously waiting by his "crackberry" to read my blog about himself.

Loyal till the day i die...

That's right... I said it... I'm gonna be a loyal Wal-Mart customer TILL THE DAY I DIE. I don't care if Wal-Mart sells products from China (just don't put them in your mouth), hires illegals (what??? some of them out there just might be my peeps), takes business from our little mom and pop shops, sends US jobs to other countries, or drives out competition (since when is that a crime?). I love the fact that I can buy my cereal, dog food (for Troy not me... although I ate it once as a kid), frozen pizza, fabric, tampons & Kotex, shoes, clothes, and electronics all in one place anytime of they day or night. They offer some of the most competitive prices for just about ANYTHING. For now... I'm a broke-ass, unemployed, student (professional student or not, I'm still in school) which leaves me no choice to shop where I don't have to dig so deep into my pockets.

So when I said I'm gonna shop there till the day I die, I LITERALLY meant till the day I die, and I don't mean that my family is gonna dress me up in the latest Miley Cyrus/Max Azria get up (that is unless they want me to look like a hillbilly) sporting yellow and black plaid with slinky, shiny, vinyl leggings (OK I kinda dig the leggings even though I think I'd be committing serious faux pas). What I meant was I can now shop for my casket or urn for my funeral or cremation, which ever I choose. That's right! As of last week, Wal-Mart made available their newest line of funeral "furniture" online. HOW EXCITING IS THAT! LOL! I checked out the website . Casket prices range from $999.00 - $3199.99 while urns range from $34.82-$214.00. I wonder if they have a "Sam's Choice" or "Great Value"brand yet? I haven't see one yet fit for THE QUEEN OF RANDOM but I'm sure we can collaborate and come up with something that might just work out great for my notorious departure.

Have a Happy Period...

So it's that time of the month again and after a long day of moodiness, bloating, and cramping I get home and turned the on TV so that for just one moment I could cloud out all the thoughts that go through my head... AND THEN... I see that damn Always commercial where they say... "Have a Happy Period". I found myself scoffing and throwing my middle finger at the TV saying STFU! and mumbling heaven knows what else. Out of nowhere I remembered an email/forward that I received a loooonng time ago. It was a letter from a lady ranting about the Always slogan. I felt her frustration and searched and searched my email inbox until I found it. I LOVE IT! Too bad I didnt think of writing that first. HA!

Here it is...

This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying, jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you fucking kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull sh*t. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.

Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX

Midnight ramblings

I should be asleep right now however my insomnia and ADD are completely out of hand. Yesterday I was up for 24 hours straight, I couldn't sleep 'cause my mind was racing at a million mph. WTF (I saw on some new show, "Modern Family" I think it was, where the dad character is using all this IM lingo and according to him WTF means "whatever the face" only I really mean WHAT THE F%*K lol)! Yeah... Anyhow... So I'm supposed to be asleep so I can be up early for my first meeting as "President" I came up with a vision for the club and some great ideas, we'll see how it goes. OMG, I know... ON A SATURDAY! We gotta do what we gotta do.

So I'm watching Anderson Cooper 360. I think I'm in love. I think it's his devilishly sexy silver hair or his side sweep (lol). He is sooo smart, makes my heart melt, and makes me speechless. Yeah I know... or think he plays for the other team. Damn, I'm sucker for gay men... Remember this... Just like they say... All the good ones are either taken or gay. Boohoo!

Just look at this Yummy Goodness. Be still my beating heart. ANDERSON COOPER... YOU TAKE MY BREATH AWAY!!!

On Anderson Cooper news...

Balloon Boy Drama: TOTALLY HOAX! His vomiting episodes on TV totally gave it away. Then... the home video was edited to cut out the part where the freakin' kid says "I'm gonna sneak inside". If he was my kid... I woulda whooped his ass. But then again, I'm not and I'm pretty sure it was a publicity stunt. C'mon now, the family was on wife swap. The balloon doesn't even look like it could hold a kid. GET REAL!

Baby that fell under the train... OMG! That shit is CRAZY! It's a miracle he is still alive. Ummm, I think that's why strollers have brakes... SO UR KID DOESN'T ROLL AWAY FROM YOU!

John Gosselin getting sued: That's what you get "Moe Foe" (My manfriend's favorite phrase) I know, I had a crush on him too. I think it'll be just my luck to find out in a couple of months that he is gay too. Only he is a total douche bag and I really wouldn't care if he was. I DESPISE PUBLICITY WHORES! I'm surprised OCTOMOM is MIA... well actually, I don't really watch TV its just a coincidence that I am watching now... but 'cause I'm crushing on AC.

Justice Nixes Inter-racial marriage: Ignorant sons of bitches that don't know better. I say we just kick 'em in the nuts... or the vag if they're chicks. Went to the bar last night and this black guy hit on me... Hmmm... I so shot him down... But I'm not racist. I know for a fact that he was a wife beater (I think/hope she left him) and that he had so many sexual harassment charges against him at his prior employment... How do I know... I used to work there, that was like almost 4 years ago and 'cause one of my close friends also used to work with him. And he is gross, SOOO NOT MY TYPE!

Pigs catch swine flu: WHOA! 'nuff said.

Self Help Guru & Sweat Lodge Homicides: Crazy... who would pay almost 10 grand to go to that crazy cult stuff?

Near Death Experience: Not exactly "near", Could be true I think... Sounds REALLY interesting... As a matter of fact, my aunt's boyfriend claims he had one. He told me his vision, which I would love to share with y'all, but um... I forgot what it was.

EMOTIONAL Roller coaster

Emotional roller coaster, Multi (not bi)-Polar, or PMS? If you ask me, its all the same shit. This time of the month is the only time that I cant even stand MYSELF. Don't get me wrong... I LOVE everything about being a woman minus the hormones. Anything can set me off or open up the flood gates... um not that kind... GROSS... I mean tears. A few words of wisdom... When Cyn is PMSing... Run for cover. HIDE. I will chew you up and spit you out or make you feel very, VERY guilty for hurting my feelings. Did I mention not only am I the QUEEN OF RANDOM, I'm also a DRAMA QUEEN (only when PMSing otherwise I hate drama).

I went out with my girlfriends last night and I got in such a bad mood because we didn't go have a few drinks downtown, that's totally besides the point that I am spoiled rotten and I like things my way. The night ended up going good but it wasn't exactly my idea of a Friday night, but hey... I didn't spend the evening at home so its all gravy. I was watching TV this morning and I started crying. I was texting my manfriend a while ago and he text me something that upset me... I started crying... WTF I ACTUALLY STARTED CRYING! AND THEN... he said he was sorry and that he was sending me a surprise but it's not a surprise 'cause I already know what it was... 'Cause he told me, and then I was better again. OMG just kick me in the uterus so I can get over it already. To my friends and to those who get a taste of "The Wrath of Cyn"... Bless your hearts for still loving me even though I can be such a BIATCH!!!

I've got two weeks left of hormones raging before I'm back to normal self, that is... what I consider "normal". LOL.

That's Ms. President to you

So I am officially President of the photography club at school. Whoa... Who woulda thought. Up until last night I didn't even wanna join. I came home from school so F'n tired. I crashed out close to 10 pm and woke up so refreshed at what I thought was the morning. It was 1215. I was like AWESOME!!!! I actually slept a whole night without waking up. Actually... it was 1215 am. So much for that :-/ Anyhow I started thinking about photography and how I needed to redo some assignments. Not cause I was told to, just cause I though I could do better. Then the whole idea came to mind... I'm gonna be PRESIDENT! That came out of nowhere. So then that was all I could think about. I re-shot my pics. My room is my little studio (haha like where else am I gonna shoot) and it literally looked like a tornado wiped out my room. Shit was everywhere... I MEAN EVERYWHERE!!! I had just hopped back into bed and then I felt the need to clean my room... at 3 in the morning. WTF! I couldn't sleep without doing it. It was CHAOS! I had a small path I could walk through but I did have to step over a few things.

We went over our portfolios at the club meeting. Of course mine were first... tough act to follow, I can honestly say my photos really stood out. I know I know so full of myself. But what can I say? I'm dedicated. Only thing is... we have a club full of members with AMAZING cameras. I kinda feel like the kid that had hand me down clothes at the beginning of a new school year. Almost embarrassed... but not too embarrassed. I started thinking of ways that I could get a new camera. OK so all the illegal options are out of the question. BOOHOO! :( Then I started thinking of fundraisers, but that's so much work. GOSH! Couldn't I be as privileged ... but then I thought... I actually appreciate what I have when I have to work for it. I just wish for once something awesome would happen like Ashton Kutcher would give me one of his cameras from the Nikon commercial, the one where he is like... all I need is my camera, and underwear. HA! OMG that would be SO F'N AMAZING!!! But fairy tales do not exist for people like me, we have to work hard for what we want... I dont work... so does that mean I wont get what I want? Sheila, if Devyn helps you win the lottery can you buy me a camera? lol... Um... PLEASE?

It's been almost a month...

Since grams passed away... It feels like it was yesterday, everything is so fresh in my mind. It still seems surreal; something I cant quite grasp. I've been doing OK. Actually a lot better than I expected. My aunt (who has now moved in to watch over grandpa) and I sit outside at night and have a drink or two have these conversations about her. I wondered if I'm in some sort of denial 'cause I'm literally OK. I almost feel guilty for not being depressed or something. I mean... I loved my grams soooo much. I came to the conclusion that because we had such a great relationship and I did everything that I possibly could for her, it has helped me in my acceptance stage of grief. I'm sure that the anticipatory stage had a lot to do with it. Although one can never be "ready" to let go, I have had a year to process everything. She has been on my mind a lot these past few days... Last night I was so sure I could smell her. I loved how my grandma smelled, the soft powder she used to wear after her baths.

On another note...

Life has returned to normal, well sort of; you know what i mean... I started going out again. It felt weird to go out and have fun; to just LIVE. I had given up so much to care for grams, I would feel guilty just leaving her. My classes are going great with the exception for statistics. I F'n hate stats! My photography class is AWESOME!!! I think I've got some of the best pictures for having the WORST camera compared to everyone else. I am still very grateful to my dear friend Missy for lending me hers. I think its pretty sad that some of my classmates have AMAZING cameras and the quality of the pictures they produce just do not give it any justice. I'm not hating... SERIOUSLY... c'mon now. The only thing that sucks is that this class is very time consuming, but well worth it. I think I found a new hobby. I REALLY LOVE THIS CLASS. I just wish I had one a better camera, a DSLR. If I am doing great with a mediocre point and shoot, imagine the possibilities if I had a better one!

I guess that's it for now... I'm just at school killing time in between my 5 hour gap...

Here are some of my self portraits (can you tell I love myself? lol... WHAT?)

we had creative freedom so I went for it...

Vanity is "CYN"ful

It's looking a little blurry but it came out good.

I showed the pics to mom... She called this one the "porn" picture, and that's cause I had one where I barely had any clothes on covered with a scarf... like a a faux nude. She didn't call that one porn...
I have a lot to learn... but not bad for a couple weeks into the course.

Gone but not forgotten

It's been a long and exhausting week. Grams passed away Friday September 11, 2009. She fought a courageous battle with cancer but God had other plans for her and called her to his kingdom. Grams was admitted to the hospital Tuesday night for severe pain, but we never expected she wouldn't make it out. I feel lost without her but I am at peace knowing she no longer suffers. I couldn't sleep Thursday, Friday, or Saturday. My heart felt empty and inconsolable. The service was beautiful. Grams looked so peaceful. Her wish was to have a closed casket because she didn't want anyone to see how thin she was, when grandpa went in to see her before everyone else at the funeral home, he was in awe at how beautiful she looked and made the decision to keep it open. I am glad he did. I got the courage to write a few words about my grandma to share with everyone. It was one of the most difficult things I ever had to do. My friend offered to help me read it because I didn't think I'd be able to and when the time came to go up, I looked around and she wasn't there. I debated staying quiet and not going up since no one knew about it but I knew in my heart I would regret it if I didn't. I broke down a couple times but I made it through. I don't remember much other than the shaking and crying and being consoled by my grandmother's friend. It was beautiful, I received many compliments, I just spoke the truth. Grams touched many lives; What a beautiful person she was. After I said the eulogy, a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I slept well and felt at peace. Monday was the funeral, I didn't cry much I just teared here and there mostly because of how proud I am of her and the legacy she left behind. I consoled my family, especially my grandpa. I cant get used to not having her here. I miss her so much. I devoted a lot of time caring for her alongside grandpa. I know she was proud of me and loved me so much, she always told me so. So as a new chapter in my life begins, I'll try to gather the pieces of my heart knowing life will never be the same. The sun will still rise, the birds will still sing, and life will go on, that's what she would want.

UPDATED**** 99 Problems and a man ain't one...

No, I'm not going to list all my 99 problems... thank you very much! I don't have the time (nor do you) or the attention span to list all the meaningless bullsh*t that goes on. And... a man definitely ain't one, OK... well sort of... Marco's fighting his way back into the pic but he still ain't my man.

School started back up. It's going good so far. My photography class seems awesome!!! Only there's a problem... My instructor wants me to buy a camera that's like... worth a grand. OMG! Are you FREAKIN' kidding me??? The camera costs more than the damn class itself. Look Mister... I am a college student who doesn't work. I don't work because I am (although taking a semester off) a nursing student, and working is frowned upon because it shows your lack of commitment to the program. It's all about sacrifices and if I have to starve because I don't work... so be it! Anyhow... back to "What part of broke ass student" don't you get? And as fun as this new "hobby" maybe, there is no way in hell I can afford to get a DSLR Cannon or Nikon.
I found this one... But its worth like $1300... It's a beauty... I think lol. It has all the specs he is looking for.

So I shopped around for a mediocre one... It's a Sony... And it will work

AND GUESS WHAT??? It's only $700. ONLY!!! Are you freakin' kidding me? I'm still using my computer that I bought in 2001 'cause I cant afford a new one and I'm supposed to spend $700 on a camera? OMG! God help me! But this one's it... I think I seriously need to hurry up and get that Flirty Girl Fitness Video and start learning some moves 'cause by the sounds of it... my ass needs to hit the pole and ASAP!!!, lol. Next time you hear T-Pain singin' I'm in luv wit a stripper... think of me! I picked out my name already (you'll have to come see me to find out) and a couple songs (Benny Benassi "Satisfaction", Peaches "F*%K the Pain away") to dance to... So to avoid this... All pride aside, I'm humbly asking for donations to afford my camera (not really... but now that I think about it, it's not exactly a bad idea). I don't think my family appreciates the art of pole dancing in the buff.

I borrowed my friend Missy's Camera. It's just a point and shoot and barely acceptable. He said it will "suffice" 'till I can get a new camera... and that my work will definitely show. Ummm. OK! So this is what I borrowed 'cause he laughed at my poor little HP camera. Seriously... He laughed. Only the lens is scratched. And yes... I know... my work will show it.

Moving on... Grams finally got some pain meds... Awesome!!! She is resting more and we are resting more... I still have insomnia but at least I get a little rest. And my addiction to diet coke (I only add vodka on Fridays and Saturdays) is definitely not helping... I drink it so late that it's contributing to the insomnia. Ugh... and that caffeine free diet coke just doesn't do the job. :-/

Lastly... Yes, I mentioned my on again off again bf is trying to weasel his way back. That's all I'm gonna say about it. I'll figure it out as I go.

♥♥♥♥♥♥

Facing my Fears...

I just faced my biggest fear. I guess I just thought if I didn't... it would just go away. I was giving grams her daily massage and I just got the courage to grab my stethoscope and just listen. I avoided it for over a year. When I went to chemo with her three weeks ago, the nurses were more than helpful. I talked to them and told them how I was in nursing school. They encouraged me to go into the field of oncology. I've thought about it, especially when I had the opportunity to go to Vannie E. Cook Children's oncology and hematology. That was a wonderful experience, but we'll see. The charge nurse explained everything to me. She showed me how to calculate chemo dosages and basically explained everything she was doing. They were very helpful and my grandmother thinks they are wonderful nurses; they are! The charge nurse assessed my grams and asked "do you listen to her lungs at home? It's a great learning experience." I know it is but I just couldn't do it. I said that I didn't want to, and she looked at me awkwardly, she said I could use her stethoscope to listen. I just nodded my head, choked up, and had to leave the room. I was avoiding reality. Like I said... If I didn't listen, it wouldn't be there. That obviously isn't how life works. So I placed my stethoscope on her back, and just listened. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. She has 24% hydropneumothorax, I expected to hear crackles and I didn't, I'm not sure what I heard but I wanna say it was pleural friction. Guess I gotta work on that. I'm glad I got the courage to finally do this. Now I have a baseline for future assessments, I'll be able to know when she is getting better or worse. Anyhow I'm now watching The Green Mile on Bravo. Makes me wish John Coffee was real But my faith in God is real and whether or not this cancer goes away, I leave it in his hands. She has two more weeks of chemo and then another CT scan. We'll see how this treatment is going. Keep her in your prayers.

New Beginnings...

♥I just got home from school a while ago and I am so freakin' tired. After two years of straight nursing I couldnt imagine life beyond it. I love nursing... It's my passion. So when I found out I failed (let me reiterate that I DIDNT FAIL, I got a 74, which is still bad, but according to nursing standards a 75 is passing) my fourth and final semester, I almost died, but didnt. Since I'm being forced to take a semester off, I decided to take regular classes so I'd have something to do. It felt weird not wearing my ciel blue scrubs. I despised those scrubs. I hated looking like a blue smurf. But now... I miss my scrubs. It's akward having to wake up in the morning and having to pick out something to wear. And so you mean... I can actually wear my favorite Vans to school instead of tidy whitey sneaks? OMG! That's about all I look forward to. But... I think I'm gonna wear them anyway. lol J/K I was hella excited about my first class... aerobic dance. I got to school in my workout clothes. The first day totally kicked my ass. NOT!!! How boring. All I got was a freakin syllabus and a lame as statement from the instructor saying she has never taught the course nor has she ever taken an aerobics class and for the first two weeks we wont be exercising and when we do, we will utilize videos. WTF! you gotta be kidding me. I know I didnt just pay for a class to work my ass off so I can watch some lame video that I could do at home. (BTW... Missy and I are gonna get that "Flirty Girl Fitness Video"... yeah and it comes with a free lap dance video TOO... It's what I always wanted... to be a stripper in the privacy of my own home!!! LOL). I'm not sure you can handle all my sexiness. lol. I realized there was no where for me to change and since I was forced to park two miles away (Literally... and I guess I got my workout) and I didnt wanna carry all the extra stuff (clothes) I changed in my truck! Exciting I know. But I'm smooth like that. No one saw... so I think. lol.


♥I realized that I hate the "Pecan" or "Main"campus (one of the many campuses affiliated with my regular school (Nursing & Allied Health). I hate stupid kids who think they know it all and wear stilletos like they're going to a freakin' club then complain about it. AND I ESPECIALLY HATE WHEN THEY SAY THEY ARE IN SCHOOL CAUSE THEIR PARENTS MADE THEM GO OR ELSE THEY'D HAVE TO WORK. (Kinda sounds like my SIL) I miss MY campus. Where you have to be accepted to get in (besides getting accepted into college), where everyone is a medical PROFESSIONAL, and the students are not like, "OMG, that guy is soooo HAWTTT!!!", "Do I have lipstick on my teeth?". I was SOOO annoyed that these people were in my way and taking up my oxygen. I'm not one for drama, I am waaaaaay too old for that shit... Seriously though... Young chicks=TOO MUCH D-R-A-M-A! So that obviously means I dont wanna know about your drama and get the F**K out of my face. I have a splitting headache and I lost my glasses. >:-(. OK enough ranting.

♥Despite all the negative stuff I had to say... I am truly an optimist. Truth of the matter is, I got my workout anyway. I walked from my truck (which was REALLLLLY far away) and I carried two huge-super-heavy books all day 'cause I didn't take a back pack (that's no one's fault but my own). My arms are gonna be so sore. Even though I don't get to work out for a while, I will eventually get to. I get to go to my photography class tomorrow. I'm not exactly looking forward to Spanish or Statistics... but I need them, so I will make the best of it. I will maintain an "ATTITUDE OF GRATITUDE" because I am blessed and fortunate to go to school. I miss my "old school" friends dearly and wish them luck 'cause they start preceps tomorrow!

♥And last but not least... Mortimer the Frog died. :(. I've been so stressed I didn't even really care anymore. I feel guilty now after the fact for thinking "that is one less responsibility". I know... very crappy on my part. I buried him... well not really. I was too tired to dig a hole so I put him on a pile of leaves in the back and just threw some more on top. UGH... And some of you might think... who cares, its just a frog. That may be so... but it was MY frog, and as grossed out as I got if I had to touch it, I raised it for three years.

♥Time for bed... I'm beat!

a little here and there

I mentioned before that I just haven't felt like blogging or writing. I've got a lot going on at the moment and it just seems as everything else is rather... insignificant. I guess I'm just gonna go ahead and vent, after all, writing is a means for me to express myself in a one way therapeutic session.

♥♥♥♥♥♥

Remembering the greatest gift God ever gave me...

An Angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth. And whispered as she closed the book "too beautiful for earth."

It gets easier as time goes on, but I'll never forget. Mom and I talked about it the last time she was here. I still remember how excited she was, how excited we all were. I'll never forget that dreadful day, and how I felt; numb, angry, morose... I don't talk about this much openly, I just keep it between me and God. 4 years ago today, and I still remember it clearly.

♥♥♥♥♥♥

Grams

She's not doing any better, in fact... I hate to admit I see her declining more and more. She is down to 80 pounds and is sleeping less and less while the pain is intensifying. The midnight back rubs are also increasing, but they help her sleep. So even if I have to wake up three times a night, I will. She always did say I had "healing hands". That means I am awake more at night. I find myself tired and stressed... and that's 'cause she calls on grandpa more than me. I'm on edge and often battling frustration. I never let her see it, though. I don't ever want her to think she is a burden, because she is not. I just ask God to give me patience, and He does. Some say, "I cant see her like that, It's too painful" or "I'm scared to see her like that"but truth of the matter is that she has been there for everyone of us. Don't you think she is scared? She is a loosing a battle to Cancer. Her own body is killing her, suffocating her. Where are you when she needs you? I'm just disappointed, but I know in my heart I am doing everything I can.

Her body is so frail;

Skin so cold and pale.

Sunken cheeks and eyes;

Scared but never cries.

Every breath is a struggle for air;

For her this burden, I wish to bare.

Overwhelmed by pain;

Chemo still infused through her vein.

This Cancer consuming her is very swift;

Thus every moment is a priceless gift.

♥♥♥♥♥♥

I think I need a vacation... Seriously. I debated on going to visit mom, but I cant help but feel guilty for not being home with grams. I went to a BBQ last night with my girlfriends. It was nice just getting out. I haven't been doing much of that lately. I remember when my life was all about partying. Whoa! Where did those days go? I mean it was less than a year ago. I'm OK with it... it gets a little old. I started going to church on Wednesdays... It's a little different from Sunday service but I really like it. My life seems to be going in a different direction, I actually find peace in that. Anyways, I guess I'm done venting. Not much else going on. School starts back up on Monday. Yay! lol. I signed up for photography. Pretty excited about that. Wish me luck! Oh yeah... I almost forgot... My frog is sick. ;(. Yeah I have a frog. Gross I know. But I started to collect froggies... like stuffed frogs years ago and one day I saw a cute little frog at Wal-mart. But it turned into this 5 inch slime ball that I have grown accustomed to. He was like super fat... now he has lost weight, wont eat or swim. Ugh... I don't like touching slimy things so I gross out even thinking about force feeding him... YUCK! OK that's all lol.

Back to school

♥So... school starts back up on Monday. I obviously wont be taking any nursing classes since I am being punished. I guess I'm just taking busy classes... ya know... to keep me busy. I totally feel like Sheila; I have no drive to write... AT ALL! I went down to school today to write and submit a letter to the program chair as to why I was unsuccessful in my class. Of course my letter was AWESOME! C'mon now... this is me, Cyn, MASTER of letter writing. Just ask anyone who's received one. I became a pro at writing when I worked for A&M-CC Police Dept. If you only knew how many times I got myself in trouble, I think my file was so thick they needed a whole file cabinet just for me lol. But there is nothing my sweet talkin' cant get me out of. Other than trying to get back into the nursing program this fall. It's all politics. It's been done before... but I may as well get over it already. Like I said, this is just a better opportunity to spend more time with grams.

♥I am excited about this semester, I'm signing up for two kinesiology classes and like three others not worth mentioning. Eh... I could seriously use the exercise, lol. What better motivation is there than to be graded on it? I'll keep y'all updated on that. I'll also be spending more time through out the semester at my nursing campus to work on that portfolio I mentioned previously. Some say its busy work, and it probably is... but I seriously feel I could benefit from it.

♥I guess that's all folks... not much to say at the moment... not much going on.

Let downs

I had my meeting with my instructor on Wednesday. Needless to say, it didn't go the way I planned. Seems like a multitude of things haven't been going the way I planned all of a sudden. Remember how I mentioned my truck broke down? OK, so it got fixed Tuesday, just in time for my appointment. Well, since I was confined all weekend and half of the week, I escaped my cave (because I was tired of living like a hermit) and went over to Missy's to have a drink. Truck was fine. I was thrilled. I head out to my appointment on Wednesday and my truck breaks down again. Yes... The belt again. I call my instructor explaining my situation. It's OK, she'll wait, she understands. I pull in to the mall right off the next exit. I call my cousin Sheila since she is normally all over town working. She rescues me. I make it to my appointment. Before I head to the office, I call dad.

Me: Um... the band broke again, I got a ride from Sheila,
Dad: (All Pissed off) Well I'm not putting anymore money into your truck. I'll pick it up tonight.
Me: (Click; I hang up) %^&*(%^&*()(&^^&*$%^&*%^&*

Yeah... enough said. Ughhh... he pisses me off. I cant even remember the last time he worked on my truck besides Tuesday. (There's more to the story but let's save that for another post)

I get to the office. Actually, she was in (you know who's office, If not refresh yourself with this post) Despite every explanation and desperate attempt to secure my seat back into the program this fall, I was unsuccessful. Apparently they don't feel it is enough time for me to grasp what I missed. They obviously aren't listening! It's not that I don't grasp the material, I just had some distractions. No use, I just stormed off. I went downstairs and saw some of my friends, they were taking the second exit exam. Some of my really good friends were still upstairs testing. Anyhow... I sat and chatted with them for a bit. They started to talk about how they didn't have to try since they had already passed the first exam and how they were excited that they found their preceptors for their 160 hour preceptorship. I couldn't help but feel a sense of depersonalization. Kinda like an out of body experience. I heard them talking but all of a sudden I started to feel like I was drifting. I should have been there too, excited about my preceptorship in the ER, and how pinning is a month and a half away... prepping for NCLEX. Like this is all just a bad dream and I'm just waiting to wake up. I just felt like I didn't belong anymore. Anyway... its not a dream and I'm definitely not waking up. I am happy for them. Actually, I am so proud of them I just wish things had gone better for me.

Little by little some of my friends started come downstairs. Some had a sigh of relief, they passed. Some didn't even try at all since they passed on the first try. Others were devastated that despite all the studying, they didn't pass. All I could do was offer a few words of comfort encouraging them. I let them know that I understand how it feels and reassured them that it is not the end of the world, as they did for me.

Letting Go

"To live in this world, you must be able to do three things: to love what is
mortal; to hold it against your bones knowing your own life depends on it; and,
when the time comes to let it go, let it go""

♥(Forgive me for being Vague, I often have this tendency) Have you ever wanted something so bad? Well... there are a lot of things I want SOOOO bad especially one (Aside from nursing). And... perhaps this desire that I have may not be so good for me (OK... well its not bad either, per say). I believe that I will not so much benefit from it, more like it will consume a lot of my energy and effort. But that's what you do, Right? You sacrifice for things you want. You learn what it means to live for something else. Something other than "ME". Maybe I never had a chance in the first place, but I it felt so damn good when I "tried it on". I can honestly say that I have felt this once before, but that's the past and neither here, nor there. I don't know... I guess I have been thinking a lot lately and I'm starting to feel it just might not be worth the effort. I feel I'm letting it go. Like the saying goes "If it's meant to be...it will be" and like my FAV Jack Johnson sang "Time doesn't wait... That's OK because I don't wait for time." It's pointless waiting around for something that may never come around. All I can do is leave it in God's hands and maybe something better may come along.

Going out of my Mind

♥YES... I'm still truck-less. Dad stopped by after 6 on Sunday like he said. Then I get a call. Um, Bibis (that's what my mom and dad call me)... It got dark and I cant see anything so you're truck will have to wait until tomorrow. AHHH WTF!!! Why does this always happen to me??? Monday came and went... I didn't see dad. Nor did I bother calling him. I figured if he had time, he would have come by. So... I have been bored out of my mind. I cant stand another minute of being confined in my cave of a room. I actually... DARE I SAY IT... Watched TV. I HATE to watch TV! I started off watching some show about Tsunamis or something. I didn't finish watching it all. I cant sit through an entire show... ADD. I did a little cleaning. Watched Intervention (that show is actually pretty good and made me sit through a couple episodes). Got on the computer. I watched more TV: Cake Boss (that's funny) and Jon and Kate plus 8 (I used to love that show... It sucks now. I don't want to watch stupid mini vacations I cant be on! Show me drama, show me real life stuff... it is, after all, a reality show, not something that should be on the travel channel). Yada yada... So I have done ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. I'm still at home. I've been depressed that I cant do anything, I actually sleep till noon, like I seriously just woke up. But I stayed up until 3 watching Cold Case, well parts of it. I have not seen that much TV since I was in middle school addicted to talk shows. I wish I was back in school.

♥Speaking of school... I have my appointment tomorrow instead of Friday. I'm really praying for some good news! I hope to get back into the program this Fall semester. I am determined to do so and I will NOT take "no" for an answer...

♥Why am I still sleepy? I slept 9 hours. That is more than I used to get in an entire week. OMG!

♥ So that exam I would have taken Monday didn't go so well for some of my friends. I just reassured them that everything was gonna be OK. They have to take the HESI exit exam next and they get to take it twice. I don't worry about them... They'll be OK!

True story... I can laugh now... Like... After the fact

♥So the morning started off on the wrong foot. I went to bed really late cause I couldn't sleep. What's new? Anyhow... grandpa wakes me up to go sit with grams so he can go to church... This is like at 0730-ish. I wake up, groggy and grumpy. Sit on the recliner next to hers and attempt to get a little more shut eye. So what's the point??? Basically, I didn't get any till grandpa got back, got like maybe 30 minutes or so. I had to hurry and get ready for Sunday service because in those thirty minutes that I happened to fall asleep, I hit the snooze button when the alarm went off. SHIT!!! I couldn't decide on what to wear. I called and called Missy to wake her up. She didn't. Guess she's not going. Hop in my truck and rush off to church... I'm already running late. I call my friend Inez and tell her to save me a seat since I'm half way there. I hang up, and hear a rattling sound coming from my truck. HMMMM??? I think I got an aluminum can stuck under the truck... No time to worry about that... it will get loose. I gotta make it to church. I hear another sound, AWESOME!!!! I think that can got loose!!! But wait!!! My truck sounds funny. :-/... UH OH!!!! I look at the temperature gauge! It's all the way to HOTTTT!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I pull over and start to feel the power steering or lack of it... I call Inez... Ummm, I'm not gonna make it. Sorry... She asks if I want her to pick me up so I can still make it to church... I think about it and decide not to because It's just my luck to have someone see my truck parked along the expressway and I'm MIA, having a jolly time and people are worried about me. I call my dad instead... "Dad I'm by the "I" road exit... Come get me! My truck messed up... I think it was the belt... Hurry! It's hottt (Of course it's hot... This all happened at 1200, the HOTTEST PART OF THE DAY!) Dad says to get off the truck and check under the hood. Uh, NO! I'm not getting off. There is a lot of traffic and its HOT! Hurry, come now! I'm already sweating and my face is melting, my make-up is smearing!

♥about 15 minutes later... dad gets there with My aunt's BF Joe. He tells me to pop the hood open so he can check it... Sure enough... it's the belt. How did I know??? Well... I kept hearing a really screechy noise and well I know that's the belt... But I didn't tell anyone... AND IF I HAD... this wouldn't have occurred. ;( OK, its all my fault but I'm like super busy I didn't have time to report it. Back to the story... Dad leaves the A/C on in his truck so that his spoiled rotten QUEEN DIVALICIOUS daughter (ME, DUH) can go sit in it while they hook up her truck to his to get it home. So while dad and Joe are out side sweating, I am in the fresh A/C thinking how I might blog about my incident. So I take some pics... Of me... not the truck... or the men working on my truck... OOOH that one's cute... so I take another... lol... You'll never guess what happens next...

♥Or can you??? OK humor me... Take a wild guess... This is fun... Don't ya think? Dad's A/C blew out. LMAO!!! that is what I get for being a narcissistic whiny brat! So, I never made it to my destination, and I am truck-less until about 6 or so... 'Cause dad says it's TOO HOTTT!!! OH WELLL!!!

It's not the end of the world...

∞ Even though it kinda feels like it right now, no... It is NOT the end of the world. Bad news. I didn't pass. In the end, I missed my final by three points... I needed a 79 and ended up with a 76. I am devastated. Mostly because I was determined to pass so that I could make my grams proud. I had a hard time telling her. My grandparents know I tried my best. I know the material. ALL OF IT. I just don't know why I blank when it's on paper. Anyways, well no use dwelling on it. I need to make an appointment with the program chair to see about taking the class again. There is this whole committee process. I'm not exactly sure how it goes but I hear there is a lot involved. I may be able to take it again right away and graduate by December, which is great 'cause that only sets me back two months, or I may have to wait out a semester or two which might not allow me the opportunity to make grams proud. I am so proud of my friends who passed and get to move on to the next milestone. I wont get to be with them but I'll be there on the sidelines cheering them on. ∞
∞ So while everyone was out celebrating last night... I sat outside while my aunt and vodka kept me company. And when life gives you lemons, drink tequila! I had some of that too. I kinda joked about retaking the class... I thought, well at least I get to see "you know who" again, lol. ∞

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine...FYI

I received this in an email...

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine...
And those who don't.

As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials,
Scientists have demonstrated that if we drink
1 liter of water each day,
At the end of the year we would have absorbed
More than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria
Found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop..

However,
We do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer
(or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor)
Because alcohol has to go through a purification process
Of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:

Water = Poop,
Wine = Health.

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
Than to drink water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I'm doing it as a public service!

∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞

As I mentioned before... I took my last exam.

I spoke with my professor

and he calculated what I needed to

score on my final to pass

the course.

...

79

...

It's do-able, Yes

but its gonna be tough.

I am shitting bricks

and maybe the fear will knock

some sense into me.

...

Wouldn't it be easy to rewind time?

I wish I could do it all over

and step up my game.

Well, my game was on

but the exams were hard,

and now that I know what to expect,

I would do better.

Life doesn't work that way

So I will play the hand I have been dealt

...

Keep praying for me & Grams

Last chance...

"My will shall shape the future. Whether I fail or succeed shall be no
man's doing but my own. I am the force; I can clear any obstacle before me or I
can be lost in the maze. My choice; my responsibility; win or lose, only I hold
the key to my destiny."

♥ I had an exam today... It was the last of four. I studied harder than I ever have, I was committed to this HARDCORE! I slept 3 hours a night if that. I was SOOOO positive...NOPE! I didn't even have a single melt down. Last night I went to bed at 2 (talking to RJ), woke up at 5 to meet my friends at Whataburger to squeeze in a little more studying. I get to class at 8 and I can feel it in my bones that I am gonna rock it! I get my test... 1st part... Neuro... I got this... 2nd part... Endocrine... WTF!!! I mean I know this stuff. What sucks is that our exams aren't knowledge based. It's all application. Well... I didn't pass my exam. ;( I got a 74. Remember, in nursing world 75 is passing. 1 freakin' point... one question... So now I need to score an 80 on my final to pass. It's do-able, but I only have three days to study. I'm am shakin' in my knickers folks. I cant afford to fail. I have to do this. I need to make my grandma proud, she needs to see me graduate because chances are, she might not be around if I have to wait to take the course again. I don't have anyone to blame but myself. But I was feeling good about this, what happened? Well, I'm not a quitter, it's not in my nature. I am gonna get my 80 or better. I am gonna pass. I NEED to. Wish me luck... and keep me and grams in your prayers. ♥

Blessings

♥Last week started off on the wrong foot. We received the results from gram's CT-Scan. The news was not good. We found out that while grams was trying to recover from pneumonia, the cancer spread to her lymph nodes and liver. The prognosis isn't good, I'll just leave it at that. While I'm finding ways to channel my frustrations and grief, I understand I have a lot on my plate right now and that can not be my main/only focus. At first she just gave in, said she didn't want to suffer and enjoy what little time she has left. I guess she felt defeated. Grams is pretty scared, I mean, who wouldn't be. So she changed her mind. She kinda played the blame game as to why we didn't "force" her to go to Houston sooner, we encouraged her but she said she was just too tired and weak, and that the doctors here would take care of her (they didn't). We tried getting her in at MD Anderson but they wouldn't accept her because she is too weak to walk and cant sit for 8 hours. Fuck... I cant sit for 1, that makes no sense. My grandma's friend from Nebraska mentioned sending her to Mayo in Phoenix. My aunt looked it up, sounds like a plan, however, no matter what because the cancer "mets", she will be on clinical trials. So she looked up doctors from all over the world involved in clinical trials. We found one a couple hours from home. So hopefully we'll get that rolling soon. Taking part of this opportunity is a blessing in it self. YAY... She is not ready to give up just yet.

♥On a better note, my great-grandmother celebrated her 100th birthday on Friday, well that was the day of the party, her actual birthday was on Saturday. It was great! Family I hadn't seen in years were there, Mariachis played, the Mayor of the city honored her with a plaque and made July 25th Anita S. Day.... WOW!!! Unfortunately, I had class so I was only able to make it for an hour or so. I love my Nana SOOOO MUCH and an truly blessed to have had her for so long. (In the Pic... My Nana and her two surviving children, my maternal grandfather (Grandpa Greg and his sister, Tia Pola)

C-A-N-C-E-R

COUGH.

You have a cold.

Or is it allergies?

Could be TB?

Oh its nothing...

Take more meds.

X-rays.

Spot on lung.

Dr. says it's nothing.

X-rays. X-rays. X-rays.

Oh it's just scarring.

But She's not getting better.

CT-Scans.

It's definitely something.

CANCER.

FEAR.

She asks...

Are you sure?

Will it hurt?

Will I live?

I'm scared.

How do I deal?

What can I do to make her better?

She has to beat this!

I cant see my life without her.

At least no yet.

ANGER.

No anger.

It just is.

She is calm.

We are calm-

For her.

She will fight this.

We will fight this.

Just have faith.

Trust in GOD.

BARGAINING.

She never asked why.

But I did

I've never seen her cry.

But I did

Dear God...

It's me again...

Why her?

I need her.

You cant do this.

I promise...

If you'll...

Just make it go away.

The Pain

The tumor

The cough

DEPRESSION.

Pneumonia.

Stop Chemo.

Stop Radiation.

It's not going away.

IV drips at home.

Needles.

Antibiotics.

Bolus fluids.

Oxygen.

Still no treatment.

Still not getting any better.

CT-Scan.

Bad news.

It spread.

How long?

NO!

I'm scared.

She is scared.

We are scared.

I cry.

She says stop.

I cant focus.

I cant think.

My grades are slipping.

You need to fight harder.

I need to do it for her.

She changed her mind.

She is scared.

She's not ready.

Houston?

Phoenix?

Just go.

ACCEPTANCE.

Not ready to quit

To stop fighting

But I know no matter what

Everything Will be OK.

Determination = Success

"Never let your head hang down. Never give up and sit down and grieve. Find
another way. And don't pray when it rains if you don't pray when the sun
shines"

♥ I'm back! And Guess what that means? Yes my Darlings, It's true, I passed my exam... A week of no sleep, power naps on my Med/Surg book hoping to absorb the info via osmosis (Just kidding, but I did doze off on that 20 lb. book more than I would have liked, and btw, my book is still under my pillow), Oh, and I think that osmosis thing did work because when I did manage to get a wink of sleep, all I could dream of was the liver, kidneys, gallbladder, pancreas, ERCP, EGD's, and colonoscopys. Those 7 hour study groups definitely paid off. I know this shit like the back of my hands. C'mon, I dare you to challenge me!

♥ OK, so I didn't Ace the exam but I was close. At least I can say that I tried my best. Sure I made STUPID mistakes but it happens. Either way, I am pleased with the end result. Actually, I am pleased with my determination, but it didn't start off that way...

♥ As I mentioned in a previous post I let some distractions get in the way of my focus and my grade definitely showed it. I had a MAJOR reality check and I needed to get my ass in gear. I hardly ate, I didn't sleep, my nerves were on edge. I was so determined to study, study, study, that I didn't give myself a break. That in itself blocked my concentration, oh yeah and the ADD. By Friday, I wasn't absorbing anything anymore. I didn't have enough strength to even listen to the last lecture (And yes it was my favorite teacher). I went to go drink with my aunt Friday after study group. I returned for my 7 hour sessions Saturday and Sunday and I didn't study anymore at home. Sunday I fell apart. I left my study group trembling. I had my favorite combo, wine and cigarettes. My heart raced, my body flushed, and the tears poured. I was so scared that despite the hard work, I would let myself down. Too much rested on my shoulders and I was starting to scare myself, but I guess that's what I needed. My friend suggested we go have a drink but her license was expired so we had to leave, It's OK their vodka and diet coke sucks, and I didn't wanna spend my money there anyway. She then suggested some retail therapy. I thought of a great idea to motivate myself and keep positive, I was gonna buy something for my future apartment, BECAUSE I'M GONNA GRADUATE! But I didn't like anything. So then I was like, I know... I'm gonna wear my red lipstick to class because I get sassier and I figured it might give me some more confidence, but I forgot it ;(. I had also bought some "Smarties". You know... those tiny little sweet-n-tangy candy rolls. I got the idea from Maddie, my high school teacher (who btw... is a Nurse and one of my mentors) who used to give them to us before our exams. I thought it was a cute gesture and I wanted to share that with my classmates. Guess what? I forgot those too. Was all this a terrible omen? Apparently not!

♥ Fortunately... I kept repeating my affirmations (Remember this post...) and despite the struggle and the occasional bouts of insecurity, I remained determined. I mentioned that the pastor writes his sermons for me, Right? J/K not really, but they always seems to fit. He mentioned if you say something long enough, you start to believe it, and it will happen. That's why I have my affirmations (and GOD) and I intend to keep them, 'cause they keep me positive.

♥ So as the quote states above I didn't feel sorry for myself (the tears were those of frustration not pity), I didn't raise my white flag and surrender. I found the way to conquer what was holding me back and with God and my HUGE support system behind me, I prevailed. My study group is the best, I couldnt have done it with out them... We just kept saying:

♥ WE CAN DO IT!
♥ WE CAN DO IT!
♥ WE CAN DO IT!

And so we did...

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

So now that all that is over atleast untill tomorrow, I can rest. I got home today, as tired as I was, and I spent time with grams. I just crawled in bed with her like the old days. She was in some pain so I rubbed her back and massaged her feet. She saw me closing my eyes (I could barely keep them open) so she patted me like she did when I was little, and I fell asleep. She has lost more weight, down to 90 pounds... not good. She has an appointment to get her results from her CT scan. I've been praying it's some good news. Also... her hair has grown almost to what it was before she lost it all. She now goes to her appointments with out her wig, a scarf, or a hat. 8-D. I was browsing through my pics and I found this one I took of my grams before she was sick. I have neglected my family, my friends (Tiff & Missy I MISS YOU), my fish, and TROY...OK, OK, and myself, but its gotta be like that for a couple more weeks, just hang on in there with me.