Determination = Success

"Never let your head hang down. Never give up and sit down and grieve. Find
another way. And don't pray when it rains if you don't pray when the sun
shines"

♥ I'm back! And Guess what that means? Yes my Darlings, It's true, I passed my exam... A week of no sleep, power naps on my Med/Surg book hoping to absorb the info via osmosis (Just kidding, but I did doze off on that 20 lb. book more than I would have liked, and btw, my book is still under my pillow), Oh, and I think that osmosis thing did work because when I did manage to get a wink of sleep, all I could dream of was the liver, kidneys, gallbladder, pancreas, ERCP, EGD's, and colonoscopys. Those 7 hour study groups definitely paid off. I know this shit like the back of my hands. C'mon, I dare you to challenge me!

♥ OK, so I didn't Ace the exam but I was close. At least I can say that I tried my best. Sure I made STUPID mistakes but it happens. Either way, I am pleased with the end result. Actually, I am pleased with my determination, but it didn't start off that way...

♥ As I mentioned in a previous post I let some distractions get in the way of my focus and my grade definitely showed it. I had a MAJOR reality check and I needed to get my ass in gear. I hardly ate, I didn't sleep, my nerves were on edge. I was so determined to study, study, study, that I didn't give myself a break. That in itself blocked my concentration, oh yeah and the ADD. By Friday, I wasn't absorbing anything anymore. I didn't have enough strength to even listen to the last lecture (And yes it was my favorite teacher). I went to go drink with my aunt Friday after study group. I returned for my 7 hour sessions Saturday and Sunday and I didn't study anymore at home. Sunday I fell apart. I left my study group trembling. I had my favorite combo, wine and cigarettes. My heart raced, my body flushed, and the tears poured. I was so scared that despite the hard work, I would let myself down. Too much rested on my shoulders and I was starting to scare myself, but I guess that's what I needed. My friend suggested we go have a drink but her license was expired so we had to leave, It's OK their vodka and diet coke sucks, and I didn't wanna spend my money there anyway. She then suggested some retail therapy. I thought of a great idea to motivate myself and keep positive, I was gonna buy something for my future apartment, BECAUSE I'M GONNA GRADUATE! But I didn't like anything. So then I was like, I know... I'm gonna wear my red lipstick to class because I get sassier and I figured it might give me some more confidence, but I forgot it ;(. I had also bought some "Smarties". You know... those tiny little sweet-n-tangy candy rolls. I got the idea from Maddie, my high school teacher (who btw... is a Nurse and one of my mentors) who used to give them to us before our exams. I thought it was a cute gesture and I wanted to share that with my classmates. Guess what? I forgot those too. Was all this a terrible omen? Apparently not!

♥ Fortunately... I kept repeating my affirmations (Remember this post...) and despite the struggle and the occasional bouts of insecurity, I remained determined. I mentioned that the pastor writes his sermons for me, Right? J/K not really, but they always seems to fit. He mentioned if you say something long enough, you start to believe it, and it will happen. That's why I have my affirmations (and GOD) and I intend to keep them, 'cause they keep me positive.

♥ So as the quote states above I didn't feel sorry for myself (the tears were those of frustration not pity), I didn't raise my white flag and surrender. I found the way to conquer what was holding me back and with God and my HUGE support system behind me, I prevailed. My study group is the best, I couldnt have done it with out them... We just kept saying:

♥ WE CAN DO IT!
♥ WE CAN DO IT!
♥ WE CAN DO IT!

And so we did...

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

So now that all that is over atleast untill tomorrow, I can rest. I got home today, as tired as I was, and I spent time with grams. I just crawled in bed with her like the old days. She was in some pain so I rubbed her back and massaged her feet. She saw me closing my eyes (I could barely keep them open) so she patted me like she did when I was little, and I fell asleep. She has lost more weight, down to 90 pounds... not good. She has an appointment to get her results from her CT scan. I've been praying it's some good news. Also... her hair has grown almost to what it was before she lost it all. She now goes to her appointments with out her wig, a scarf, or a hat. 8-D. I was browsing through my pics and I found this one I took of my grams before she was sick. I have neglected my family, my friends (Tiff & Missy I MISS YOU), my fish, and TROY...OK, OK, and myself, but its gotta be like that for a couple more weeks, just hang on in there with me.