Saturday, January 29, 2011

Change is of the essence

My life has dramatically changed with in the last three months. Never did I imagine I'd have a second chance at motherhood... I just assumed since I lost my angel five years ago due to complications in my pregnancy and other health issues, it just wasn't going to happen. While this came as a very unexpected surprise, I was overjoyed... and fearful, shocked, terrified, along with a plethora of other emotions, and still am. I don't think it's hit me yet. I've seen my sweet pea jump and kick, seen his or her heart beat, even heard it. It was very hard for me to express any feelings towards this little miracle because I was so scared... scared to get attached, scared to fall in love, all to be disappointed again. While my faith is unshakable, I couldn't help but feel scared. I'd freak out with any cramp, or feeling of not "feeling pregnant" (Seriously though, how can you really feel pregnant before you can feel the baby move or when ou have no symptoms like nausea?) It's all just a vicious cycle of mind games. Nonetheless, I am very happy. I made the decision to move with my mom for the time being... well until I get my own place. It feels great to be around such supportive people... Let me tell you, not everyone was. I suppose you could say I hurt some, disappointed others, but I have to be strong and live for me, well for us now.
I couldn't imagine living in the country, I knew I'd eventually come back, I just never thought this soon. Don't get me wrong, I love it out here, the scenery is breathtaking but the country life is gonna take some time to adjust to. It's not all that bad, it's actually quite laid back and veeeerrrryyyyy slow. My mom thinks it's the perfect place to raise a child, I suppose a child can be raised anywhere but home is where the heart is, and my mother and unborn child are definitely my "heart"... So this is home now. I've been "home" for a week thus far. It feels like a lazy vacation, so surreal I'm still living out of suitcases and storage bins lol. I reckon (like my country twang?) it's time to give in to change and start settlin' in. I feel that moving out here was the best decision although I was slight hesitant. No body forced me, I made the decision all on my own while my mom visited for Christmas break. Perhaps it was all the emotions or hormones I was experiencing but the moment I told my mother goodbye, I said "not for long, I'm coming home". I don't think she could believe what I had just said... well I'm here. Due to the high risk nature of my current pregnancy, I just felt I needed my mother more than anyone.
I gave my notice at work and put in a transfer. The main office is about 2 or more hours away (I think) so I'm just waiting to get settled in so I can start working, hopefully (the company needs to find me a patient). Leaving was the hard part. I'm gonna miss my family and friends, but most of all my grandfather. He is my strength and the only man who has never let me down. Leaving my patient was just as hard, I sure am going to miss that little fire cracker. I LOVE my job, but it doesn't allow me to socialize with other nurses since we are "private duty" and only one nurse per shift, I think maybe somewhere more public might be the best choice since I don't know anyone around here except for family and I kinda burned bridges with the only other person I knew... that was a big loss for me, but the choices we make really do affect others. Lesson learned, maybe one day I can make things right again.
So I've been off work for two weeks now... Whoa! What a vacation it has been. Like I said I am adjusting well and spending time with my mother is indescribable. She started a quilt for the baby today. We went to town and stopped by the quilting shop to look at some fabric. Considering we don't know the gender of the baby yet we, I mean she, tried to go with some unisex patterns besides the typical yellow, purple, and green. I think it turned out beautiful, all that's left is the back, that "spongy" stuff that goes in the middle (I suppose I should learn the vocabulary since I'm going to be the next American quilter lol), and to put it all together. I even bought a piece to make my own... for the baby that is, I hope it turns out nice.
Lastly, I started a baby journal. I went all out and bought a really nice journal with blank sheets inside and some really cute scrap booking stickers. I figured this would help me express myself since I was having such a hard time in that department considering all the insecurities I had regarding my pregnancy. It really has helped me and being with my mom has made things easier for me. Mothers sure are angels without wings... mine definitely is!