Monday, October 25, 2010

Life and Lessons

He's been on my mind a lot lately... Marco, that is. I can't believe it has already been four months; time sure flies. I was listening to my iPod when his song came on... The one I said was his song from me. I remember one night he was playing his guitar and I made him hear it and his reaction was "C'mon, that's sooooooo gay" but then he leaned over and kissed my nose and smiled with a little wink ;) (OK so just to set the record straight he was not
Homophobic or anything... It's just an expression) anyways so yeah, the song was kind of soft but coming from a woman (who is a major softy despite the front I put on) expressing feelings for her then boyfriend, the lyrics totally fit. Back to the point, I heard the song and my heart just sank, it brought back a lot of emotions, both positive and negative. I can honestly I have my moments... I miss him (OK, so I know we fought 90% of the time but still... He's gone and I'll never see or hear from him again). I'm not stuck in the past, I've moved on... I moved on before he even passed away, it's just that one can't help but think of those you shared your life with, I just never got closure.

Tiff and I hung out some time last week and she asked what I learned from him; God puts people in our lives for a reason, and there is always a lesson. I'm still trying to figure that out but as dabble in relationships so to speak, I try to learn from my mistakes with Marco. I try not to be so closed off, but like I said, it's a front... A defense mechanism brought on by fear of hurt or disappointment. I know eventually I gotta let it go but when it's the only thing you've known (in terms of men, including my father) it's how you (I mean I) cope. I'm not one to play games but the way I see it, if some one is willing to break down walls then perhaps they just might be worth it. I've yet to meet anyone really willing to do so, I may as well work on that myself... I guess we all have our issues.
★ ✩ ✮ ✯ ✰ ☆ ⋆★ ✩ ✮ ✯ ✰ ☆ ⋆★ ✩ ✮
On another note, I've been keeping very busy with work and focusing on myself... my "inner" self. I have finally found my purpose in life and I couldn't feel more complete. Not only have I accomplished my dream but I've made my family proud and what a great feeling that is. I love what I do and the children make it so much more rewarding. I know there is so much more out there for me but for the moment, I am happy where I am at. I look forward to greater blessings in my life.