Monday, September 29, 2008


I mentioned a while back that I was starting have real "feelings" for one of the guys I am talking to (this would the the fun and free spirited guy). I also pointed out that the weekend that he was here just(I guess it was a few weeks ago, I can barely remember) confirmed those feelings. I am not one to fall, I supress my feelings and just let things be. Well, I'm no psychic, but my guess is that things might not work out after all. Perhaps it is all in my head. I have spent many nights thinking about this whole situation. I know, I know, to some this might seem trivial and not worth the anxiety, but I really, really like him. Since he does not live here, we talk alot, or we used to. Slowly but surely we are drifting, so to speak. Perhaps it is me backing off becuase I dont know how to deal with these so-called feelings, or perhaps he just doesnt like me like he/I thought he did. That is ok if that is how he feels, I just would like to know so that I dont waste my time. I guess I should just forget about things, about him, and move on. Maybe I'll just take the cowardly way out instead of having to face my emotions.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Change is Growth

ok, so I posted two other blogs today but they were from a couple days ago. I dont always remember to post my blogs on here, so here we go...

Have you ever wanted something so bad you can feel it in your bones? I am a true believer in working very hard for what you want, and I do. My mom always told me that anything (realistically) is possible as long as I have God, my faith, and perseverance; I agree. I started to read a book a while back called "The Secret" and never really finished it (I got bored since it was the same thing over and over again, so I watched the DVD, well part of it, and fell asleep). I got the main concept and it is pretty interesting. I do not believe that just the "laws of attraction" alone can get you what you want; It's a nice concept though. I do believe, however, that everything we bring into our life, we attract, like a magnet (if you want to get technical on me, I do not mean this in the opposites attract sort of way, you know the whole positive negative poles on a magnet idea) so to speak. For this very reason I only allow certain people in my life, well, those who play important roles anyhow. Going back to the book, I think it was a bunch of hype (hype; I just realized I've been using this word a lot lately. Random, I know. Just thought I'd throw that in here) that may lead gullible people to believe that anything is possible just because Oprah endorsed it; I attempted to read the book and watch the DVD, I didn't fall for the gimmick, so I like to think this sets me apart. I'll stick to my personal and spiritual beliefs. Now why did I feel the need to write all of this nonsense? Oh yea (I had lost my train of thought), wanting something.

There are a lot of things that I want. Some I know I can get with hard work and dedication, some I just want for selfish reasons, and some things I really want but realize that it might not be the best for me after all. That is the hard part, coming to terms with the realization that something you desire it's not good for you. But can it be, if you work really hard? I suppose it could, but change is needed. Change doesn't necessarily mean to change who you are or your beliefs, I believe that change is growth. We learn and grow from experiences, whether bad or good. From my past experiences, I have realized that I, too, have changed; some say for the better, some say for the worse.
I received an email with this quote,
"Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become."
Having read this, it confirmed my beliefs that change is good. Change is growth. One does not have to loose why they are in the process but may find something better underneath it all.
With change in mind, must I change myself to get what I want, or should I change what ever it is that I want?
(Sometimes I think that I think too much)

<3 Little Things Part II <3 09/21/2008

So this is a continuation of my previous post.

As if we don't already know what settling mean, for my own sake and the sake of my blog, I'm gonna go ahead and break it down. Settling, in essence, means to "make do" or "put up with"; I think it also partly means giving up your aspirations because one may feel they can no longer be attainable.
With that in mind, the following quote (the same individual also quoted the "Word's to live by" section on my page) better explains the connotation of the word, "settle" or "settling".

"There is no passion to be found playing small - in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living."

Everyone who knows me recognizes the fact that I am usually one to never settle. Now don't get me wrong, I have made mistakes (haven't we all?) that may have appeared as "settling" and I don't deny that I have been blinded by illusions (those of love, of life, well, of many things for that matter) in the past. Eventually, I come to my wits and identify my mistakes and as hard as it may be to move forward, one must be resilient and make life more meaningful. With that being said, this brings me back to my last blog. This predicament isn't as dramatic as it may appear to the outside world; however, it is an internal battle of choices that I am faced with and answers that are being demanded.
Life is all about choices. Let's put into perspective these choices (there are more than two choices however, for the sake of making this short, I'll cut it down to two. Yes, this will be vague):

Option 1 provides stability, assurance, focus, positive future, dedication, consistency and so on. Stepping back and taking a broad look, I see every reason why I should pick this path. However, at this stage in my life, although I always try to see beyond the horizon, my life is focused on "now" and having as much fun as I can before I am ready for "grown up" life, so to speak.

Option 2 is the complete opposite; it's focused on today, living for the moment. What is not to love about living in the moment, after all, we only live once. As they say, "Life is short, live it up, drink it down, laugh it off, avoid the drama, take chances, and never have regrets…" This option suits my life for the time being. Should I take this path (if it were really an option), I don't know if in the future it could provide me with the benefits featured in option 1. I suppose it could, after all I believe I control my own destiny (to some extent).

Anyhow, these choices reflect my life, my future, perhaps relationships to come, and so on. I don't spend hours upon hours dwelling on this however, being that the choices we make today may affect tomorrow. This is just something I have been pondering about lately and fear that the uncertainty of the future (of course the future is uncertain, it's also the most beautiful part) may lead me to settle for something less than I deserve today, or perhaps something I feel I deserve today, may lead me to settle for an uncertain future.
That's enough rambling about uncertain this and uncertain that, perhaps I should just take it for what it is, whatever that may be. I think I just gave myself a headache.

<3 Little Things <3 09/18/2008

I've been thinking a lot about certain things and ask I myself "why is it that we don't always have answers right when we need/want them?" Perhaps it's just me and that I am impatient or perhaps it is just that we aren't meant to know right then and there and that the best part maybe waiting for the answers and it will be well worth the wait in the end. Well, I won't go so far as to say that waiting is the best part because I absolutely hate to wait, but it is a possibility, I guess. My friend and I were talking last night and we were talking about life and that it's not a straight path, more of like a "maze". In life, we gamble (after all that is what it's all about), take chances, risk the possibility of getting hurt, but you dust yourself off and try again (all of a sudden this sounds like an Aaliyah song. lol). We can't hold back for the risk of falling ("falling" can have many meanings) or even being sabotaged (sometimes I think I sabotage myself). These life experiences make us who we are and unfortunately something or someone may have ruined it for the rest, but nonetheless they mold us into the people that we become. My friend pointed something out to me, she said, "Are you going to let the past stop you from getting what you want all because you're scared?" That brings up an interesting point. We can't let those things control us; Take the best of us. 99% of the time my head is on straight and I see things clearly, but that is because I have control over them, I need to. When I am determined, I set a goal, if that doesn't work out I always have a back up plan, and a few more to follow that. I have my life planned out, I mean, aren't we supposed to? What scares me is that I have made these plans for myself yet I feel like I didn't leave wiggle room for something "new", per say. I guess that's where the back-up plans come in. Anyhow, being that I am just rambling about nonsense (well that make no sense to you, but does to me), I guess I'll just leave it at that. I guess I'm just gonna have to take my chances. I'm not ready to cash in my chips, I think I might wanna see which turn I take next…

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Unexpected turn...

So my "friend" that I briefly described in a previous blog came down from San Antonio for the weekend to visit me (of course), his family, and a few friends. We had a great time, better than I expected. Actually, what I expected was to just have a good time nothing more.
Let me tell you a little about me... I date a lot, I separate my feelings from the men. I have to, well actually, my ex made me that way. I promised myself never to fall hard for another man unless I knew he was worthy. The guys I date usually ask me to be their girlfriend and because I am somewhat of a commitment-phobe, I usually say no, explain that I am not ready, and if that is not good enough for them, I stop seeing them. My intentions are not to hurt them, or take advantage of them. I just want to have fun. Although, most women my age are married and have kids, I don't. I enjoy my life and until I am finished with school, then I might change my mind and my dating habits. Moving on...
Recently ,I have been dating this one guy (he's a local). I like him a lot, I mean what's not to like, he is educated, has his own home, a great job, professed his love for me (that scared the shit out of me... so I kinda backed off a little but we still date). He knows I date, so he is trying his hardest to make me pick him like I'm picking a fruit or something. All along I have been talking to the guy from San Antonio (he happens to be cousins to one of my great friends). I like him a lot (I like the other guy too, so as you can see it's a tough decision, well, if it ever were an option). This guy (the one from SA), he is everything the other one is not. He is a charmer, he has tattoo's (I love that), he is a little younger than me (Age is nothing but a number, conveniently), unfortunately he hasn't finished school, but he hopes to. He is a free spirit (Another thing I love about any man) . Anyhow, upon spending the weekend with him, I had a difficult time, not "falling for him" (ok maybe falling isn't the correct term but I'll use it for the sake of making my point), it's not my style. My friends always tell me, "your such a guy", but that's only cause I can be emotionally detached, I guess kinda like a man. This scares me, actually, what frightens me now is the thought that he might not see me like I see him. I'm not used to being the one professing my feelings. After all we are "friends". As you can see, the tables have turned. I can no longer live by my motto (by Big Pun) "I'm not a playa, I just crush a lot", lol. I'm not really a playa (ok, well maybe a little bit), I am not in a relationship with these men, I just date, some more than others. Anyhow, back to him, it scares me that my heart might be on the line, I'm not used to that. I told my friend I hold her responsible since he is her cousin and the one who introduced us, but I am just kidding about that. I don't know what to do. I want him to like me like I like him, only I cant ask, nor will I bring up the subject of "feelings". That would just make me more vulnerable. I guess sometimes you just gotta give, but right now, I am not in the mood to give into my feelings and risk getting hurt. So, I have been dealing with a lot of anxiety lately because of him, the anxiety is not so bad only I don't know how to channel it. I just wish I had some "easy" button to push like the Staples commercial and an answer would magically appear. Well I guess there is not much I can do but wait, Ill keep yall posted...


Tuesday Night (forgot to post)


I had a long day today. Unfortunately, it was a sad day in the children's section at the behavioral hospital, I got to work with children ranging in ages from 7-12. My client was twelve but I interacted with all of them. I got to learn their stories, their past such as history of abuse (sexual, physical, and mental), neglect, suicide ideations (yes, at such a young age), and much more. Sad thing is, most of these kids have an uncertain future that looks grim. Many of these kids have been hospitalized more than once. A lot of them have aggression, depression, bi polar disorder, and so on. My heart felt ripped out when I saw this one child being admitted and he was in his father's arms crying that he didn't want to be left; it was so sad most of us teared up. Most of the kids missed home even though their homes were unstable, most of them had unfit parents or greedy foster parents with 8 to 11 kids (you know their in it for the check when they have that many). These kids act this way because they lack attention, how can they possibly get the attention they need when foster parents have more than 5 kids, or their parents abuse them, or even when their parents have drug and alcohol dependencies. I just don't get it. These children need more and it is so sad that most of them don't have anyone advocating for them. Maybe I shoulda been a social worker.
Aside from all the sad stories, we managed to have some fun. A lot of these kids seem normal in another environment. We played cards like "war" and "go fish". We put together puzzles and colored. A couple kids drew pictures for me to keep and this little boy gave me a "spinner" made out of paper. We took turns reading books and just spent a lot of time talking. I had a great time, I didn't want to leave. They asked if we were going back everyday and unfortunately, we only go once a week, and every week we visit a different unit, last week was geriatrics for me.
Well I am off to bed, I think. I have the rest of the week off from school but I have a lot of work to do.


Monday, September 8, 2008

Dentist says...

Wisdom teeth are good for NOTHING!

Before I get to the dentist ordeal (thank God it wasn't my ordeal), let me give you a brief description of my day...

Around 7 or 8 a.m. I get a call from my friend (OK so we talk like were a little more than friends but it is what it is... and I'm not really sure what that is... well leave it at "friends") I usually get two calls by that time one when he gets out of work (around 4 a.m.-ish) and then around 7 or 8. So we talk a lot and I enjoy our conversations which is why I don't mind being awaken in the middle of my beauty sleep. We talk for a while, I get up, run a few errands and I got a couple texts from Sheila, she tells me she is sick and being that our grams has cancer, I was a little weary of stopping by and then taking germs back home (I live with my grandparents... I know, I know, I'm 27 but I left my ex and decided to go to nursing school which is very demanding and which brings me "home" with my grandparents). Anyhow, She asked me where I was, I stated I was home, and she was like... home, home? "Yes, home home" I replied. She told me she was sick and home alone. I took that as a hint that she didn't want to be alone. So I went to go pay the auto insurance, passed her house (cause of the whole "germ" thing), I felt bad cause I could picture poor Sheila alone with no one to take care of her. I turned around and stopped by her house. We watched some Maury (I hate Maury by the way, I think he's a perv) I got distracted and I dint remember what it was that distracted me. I had watched the movie "Wit" with Emma Thompson for my Mental health course (has to do with "grief and loss") so I explained to her that it would be a good movie to watch and I wouldn't mind watching it again. A while into the movie I decided I didn't want to take notes, I laid down on the couch and started to drift away into dreamland. I think I heard myself snore, lol. I woke up and Sheila said to go lay down on her bed. I wake up and no one is home. I'm like "What the hell!" OK I check my email, get a call from the police department (I have an interview tomorrow at 9 am).

I then get a call from my good friend Missy who asks if I could accompany her to Progresso, Mexico to see a dentist. I grab my flip flops and hop into Missy's car (she picked me up). The dentist was really cool; he was a jokester which eased the anxiety. He made us laugh a lot and even let me see inside my friends mouth while he was working on loosening up the sucker. She decides the best thing to do is to extract her wisdom tooth which had a cavity, a bad one (so bad it was causing a lot of pain and migraines). Missy was pretty scared so I offered to hold her hand and my phone can play songs, so what better time to listen to Jack Jonson (I love him!). The music calmed her down and at that point I decided that if my Jack could calm someone during a wisdom tooth extraction, then I will listen to him when I give birth... whenever that may be. Anyhow the dentist said that wisdom teeth aren't really good for anything and just cause problems. I agree, but my dentist told me (a while back) that I didn't need to take mine out, and they were "just fine", Yay for me! So the actual extraction took maybe 10 seconds, what took the most time was loosening up the tooth itself. Boy, was it a huge sucker! I think she got to keep it as a souvenir.
On another note...

Tomorrow is my first clinical day at the Behavioral Center. Since we are studying mental health we get to work with the mentally ill. I'm pretty excited but it is completely different from working in a regular hospital treating the medically ill. I dont have to check blood pressure or other vitals, I dont have to administer medication, I just get to talk, which is what I do best. I'll let y'all know how that goes. Anyhow I guess I should go to bed so that I can wake up early, got to my interview (I hope I get hired, and I hope they will work with my schedule) then go the the behavioral center at 1pm.
G'Night Yall!