Unexpected turn...

So my "friend" that I briefly described in a previous blog came down from San Antonio for the weekend to visit me (of course), his family, and a few friends. We had a great time, better than I expected. Actually, what I expected was to just have a good time nothing more.
Let me tell you a little about me... I date a lot, I separate my feelings from the men. I have to, well actually, my ex made me that way. I promised myself never to fall hard for another man unless I knew he was worthy. The guys I date usually ask me to be their girlfriend and because I am somewhat of a commitment-phobe, I usually say no, explain that I am not ready, and if that is not good enough for them, I stop seeing them. My intentions are not to hurt them, or take advantage of them. I just want to have fun. Although, most women my age are married and have kids, I don't. I enjoy my life and until I am finished with school, then I might change my mind and my dating habits. Moving on...
Recently ,I have been dating this one guy (he's a local). I like him a lot, I mean what's not to like, he is educated, has his own home, a great job, professed his love for me (that scared the shit out of me... so I kinda backed off a little but we still date). He knows I date, so he is trying his hardest to make me pick him like I'm picking a fruit or something. All along I have been talking to the guy from San Antonio (he happens to be cousins to one of my great friends). I like him a lot (I like the other guy too, so as you can see it's a tough decision, well, if it ever were an option). This guy (the one from SA), he is everything the other one is not. He is a charmer, he has tattoo's (I love that), he is a little younger than me (Age is nothing but a number, conveniently), unfortunately he hasn't finished school, but he hopes to. He is a free spirit (Another thing I love about any man) . Anyhow, upon spending the weekend with him, I had a difficult time, not "falling for him" (ok maybe falling isn't the correct term but I'll use it for the sake of making my point), it's not my style. My friends always tell me, "your such a guy", but that's only cause I can be emotionally detached, I guess kinda like a man. This scares me, actually, what frightens me now is the thought that he might not see me like I see him. I'm not used to being the one professing my feelings. After all we are "friends". As you can see, the tables have turned. I can no longer live by my motto (by Big Pun) "I'm not a playa, I just crush a lot", lol. I'm not really a playa (ok, well maybe a little bit), I am not in a relationship with these men, I just date, some more than others. Anyhow, back to him, it scares me that my heart might be on the line, I'm not used to that. I told my friend I hold her responsible since he is her cousin and the one who introduced us, but I am just kidding about that. I don't know what to do. I want him to like me like I like him, only I cant ask, nor will I bring up the subject of "feelings". That would just make me more vulnerable. I guess sometimes you just gotta give, but right now, I am not in the mood to give into my feelings and risk getting hurt. So, I have been dealing with a lot of anxiety lately because of him, the anxiety is not so bad only I don't know how to channel it. I just wish I had some "easy" button to push like the Staples commercial and an answer would magically appear. Well I guess there is not much I can do but wait, Ill keep yall posted...


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Tuesday Night (forgot to post)

9/16/2008


I had a long day today. Unfortunately, it was a sad day in the children's section at the behavioral hospital, I got to work with children ranging in ages from 7-12. My client was twelve but I interacted with all of them. I got to learn their stories, their past such as history of abuse (sexual, physical, and mental), neglect, suicide ideations (yes, at such a young age), and much more. Sad thing is, most of these kids have an uncertain future that looks grim. Many of these kids have been hospitalized more than once. A lot of them have aggression, depression, bi polar disorder, and so on. My heart felt ripped out when I saw this one child being admitted and he was in his father's arms crying that he didn't want to be left; it was so sad most of us teared up. Most of the kids missed home even though their homes were unstable, most of them had unfit parents or greedy foster parents with 8 to 11 kids (you know their in it for the check when they have that many). These kids act this way because they lack attention, how can they possibly get the attention they need when foster parents have more than 5 kids, or their parents abuse them, or even when their parents have drug and alcohol dependencies. I just don't get it. These children need more and it is so sad that most of them don't have anyone advocating for them. Maybe I shoulda been a social worker.
Aside from all the sad stories, we managed to have some fun. A lot of these kids seem normal in another environment. We played cards like "war" and "go fish". We put together puzzles and colored. A couple kids drew pictures for me to keep and this little boy gave me a "spinner" made out of paper. We took turns reading books and just spent a lot of time talking. I had a great time, I didn't want to leave. They asked if we were going back everyday and unfortunately, we only go once a week, and every week we visit a different unit, last week was geriatrics for me.
Well I am off to bed, I think. I have the rest of the week off from school but I have a lot of work to do.

XOXO CYN