Sunday, August 29, 2010

Remembering the greatest gift God ever gave me...

August 29, 2005... One of the saddest days of my life but one I will always remember. 5 years to the day and and it is still clear like yesterday. Having my wonderful and supportive mother and my two amazing grandparents by my side to help ease the pain, both physical and emotional, of losing the greatest gift God ever gave me, my little angel, was definitely a blessing. I don't know what I would have done with out them. It gets easier as the years go by but I never forget. My angel always has a special place in my heart and at times there is a void that can not be filled no matter how hard I try. On that day I lost a piece of my soul but I take comfort in knowing that one day that missing piece will complete me. I found a poem online several years ago and on this day I like to read it...

A Lament for My Baby
I never got to hear you laugh
you never saw me cry
didn't get a chance to say "Hello"
you never said "Goodbye"
I didn't think that I could feel
so sad, lost and forlorn.
I never knew God chose his Angels
before some of them were born.
Your life was short yet special
I shared it all exclusively
I felt you breathe, I felt you kick.
You were alive inside of me.
Every baby is an Angel
and every angel is divine
God needed one in heaven
He came down and took mine
And although we are not together
we're not really apart
for you'll always occupy a space
deep within my heart.
Time has begun to ease my pain
It's only some days now I cry.
When I wish I could have said "Hello"
and heard you say "Goodbye"
~Author Unknown

On another note... Work has been going great! I can honestly say I am so blessed and grateful for the many opportunities that have come my way. I started working for a private duty nursing company, we treat chronically ill children and teens. It took a long while to find a job and I was very close to moving to my mom's hometown, I really had nothing holding me back so I was ready to pack up and hope something would come up over there but fortunately this came along. :D. I finally started on my own this week after one week of in office orientation and another week of field orientation. Yesterday was my first day on my own. At the beginning of my shift I'll admit I was a little lost. I didn't know where to begin because during field orientation, I usually arrived about an hour after the start of shift. My patient was mostly stable throughout the shift but she had very congested lungs. Her oxygen saturation was good until I stepped out to wash some syringes and her feeding bag. I wasn't gone long but as soon as I got back she was very tense, turning red, and looked like she was choking. Her O2 level went down to 75 (I think) and her heart rate went up to 230 so the alarms started beeping. My heart was pounding (I think it was more the high pitched alarms that made me nervous). I start to suction her and her secretions are SUPER thick (like glue) so it was hard to get them all, but I managed. As soon as she got stable again I could feel my hands shaking, heart racing, and my knees got weak. I kinda laughed after the fact because it really isn't a big deal, but since I was on my own, not to mention alone (parents weren't home), I was pretty frightened. Besides that, the shift went great after I got the hang of it. Today was similar, I felt nervous at the beginning of the shift, I had a different patient and her parents were really hands on so knowing that they were there eased the anxiety. I know once I've been on my own for a while it will get easier, I don't worry about that. Besides, I know in my heart that this is where I am supposed to be!