Thursday, July 15, 2010

Marco II

4 days running on lack of sleep is really catching up to me. I had this crazy notion that if I went to pay my respects the dreams would stop. I cant fall asleep without seeing his face or dreaming of him. Apparently some feel that this is due to guilt. I have no guilt, not really. I decided to go to the cemetery and find him. I went blindly not knowing where to look or where to begin. Coincidentally I stopped at this grave with a similar name, the dates were off. This woman had been visiting and asked if I was lost. Apparently I was, wrong guy. I actually went to get some flowers, a small bunch of red roses... I'm on a budget here being that I am unemployed. I searched and searched. I came across a few new, unmarked graves feeling that he had to be there. A while later a group of young women, roughly my age, showed up but only one got off. I asked if who she was looking for, and apparently we were looking for the same person. She told me her name and that she wasn't sure where his grave was. She was a friend of his, I just introduced myself leaving out the details of how I knew Marco. I decided I'd call the office tomorrow morning and see where exactly he is located so I can pay my respects. I wrote this long letter expressing my emotions... sort of like a last goodbye. I don't expect anyone to understand because I only revealed what I chose to about our relationship. Most of it was rocky as I mentioned before, so unfortunately most of what people heard was the ranting I did and being that I am very private about my relationships, no one knew much about us. Nothing bothers me more than people speculating. Regardless, I have so much I need to say to him, but I'll never get that chance. Things like this take time, I realize that... I guess that is why you're supposed to say whatever it is that you need to when you have the chance; Tomorrow is never guaranteed.

Sunday, July 11, 2010


Seems like everywhere I turn tragedy strikes and I'm seriously needing a break from it. Sorrow definitely does not look good on me. I wish things were like when I was little and most of my days were filled with sunshine and happiness (when it was me, mom, and brother), when I had no care in the world, and my life was surrounded by people I loved. These days my life is still filled with sunshine and happiness, which comes from my strong faith and positivity, however at times they seem to be overshadowed by death of friends and loved ones. I know death is inevitable, but what ever happened to people dying of old age? Within 10 months I lost my grandma, whom I adored, my aunt, who although I was not very close to, I loved nonetheless, and just found out I lost a friend, an ex boyfriend.

I am filled with so many mixed emotions I don't know where to even begin to sort things out. I have feelings of anger, confusion, and sadness all at the same time and yet I still try and think about the good times. I think I've found out more personal facts about his life in death that I did when we were together, which was the past three years off and on. When we first dated he begged me for months for me to be his girlfriend. I would hesitate and he would get so upset and say how he didn't understand women. We want everything and when it is given to us, we just abuse it... We'll I'm not so sure what he meant by all that, I just wasn't ready for a serious relationship. We lived in the moment, we never talked about his childhood or mine for that matter. He didn't know my history and I didn't know his. I think all I knew about his family that his parents were still married and his dad was ill, he had a sister and a brother, all whom he loved very much, and that he'd help out his family a lot. He was a very private man but I thought nothing of it because, I too, am very private. My family never met him, my best friend did and didn't like him... but I think that is just payback for everything I put her boyfriends through... you know, the "third degree". I never met his family either although I recall a time when he wanted to take me to Houston one Easter weekend, but that meant I'd miss out on my family, so I opted not to go. I always broke it off with him because of his lack of communication and insensitivity but always extended my friendship, which was never good enough for him but he always managed to find his way back into my life. He would say we were friends then change it up on me and said he never agreed to friendship and how happy he was to have me back. He was quite manipulative and the fact that I was very trusting didn't help. I finally broke it off for the last time, I couldn't handle the way he dealt with his problems, mostly family problems but he was very vague. He would cut me off completely till he was ready and by that time I was infuriated. Don't get me wrong, I admired his responsibility toward his family... my family is the most important thing to my as well but I couldn't handle the way he'd react to it. He never failed to text me how much he missed and loved me, how he wanted me back, and for me to give him a family, a son named Joaquin, after his favorite uncle (I would just laugh and say no way). My response was always that we just weren't meant to be together and a family was definitely not my priority. I was finishing up my degree and I just wasn't ready. Besides, I wanted it all... The wedding, loving family... happily ever after, you know, the fairy tale and I knew it just wouldn't work out that way for he and I. I've done it before in reverse, and although I thought I was in love with that person, those were some of the unhappiest times in my life, so I felt I deserved perfection... and Marco wouldn't have given that to me either.

Despite all that, there was a lot of good in him. He was very caring when he wasn't closed off. He was always laughing and smiling and had a profound passion for music. He'd play the guitar and sing me his songs and tell me about his dad's band (well, when he used to play when he wasn't sick) and how everyone in his family was into music, his brother, cousins, uncles etc. He was very proud of his brother who had recorded an album (which was pretty good if I say so myself). He loved Counting Crows. He was a big UT fan (Go Longhorns) being that he graduated from there with a degree in design. He loved sports and if he wasn't watching it on TV, he was listening to it on XM radio in his car and at work... now that always pissed me off (that he was sooo into his sports, typical male). I remember this one time when we were just hanging out at his apartment and another time at his house (well, his parent's house, but they lived in Houston so he stayed there too) and he was so into the sports channel I got so upset that he wasn't paying attention to me that I stood up in front of the TV and I yelled at him "Go F**k your TV". It was quite funny now that I think about it, but it got his attention and then I was in a bad mood by then so nothing made me happy. Another time, I was pissed off as usual, he had picked me up and we were driving to his apartment and there were some billboards that we passed, I think they were about God or something, one said, "just get over it, it's not as big as you think" (or something along those lines)... I saw it and couldn't help but want to laugh and I looked at him and said, "Don't you dare say a word" and we just started laughing. He loved to play with my hair and being that my hair is curly, it would frizz up and look like a fro, but he did it anyway. He would caress my face and tell me how beautiful I was. We'd have tickle fights and I would kick him... What? I had to defend myself. lol.

I always saw the best in him, but that's because I trusted too much, and that was all I wanted to see. Even after all the hurt, I could put it aside and see all the good. I put up with a lot, but that is what you do when you care for someone. I felt like I was the last one to know about his passing. He was on my mind so I had text him to make sure he was well. I received a message back asking who I was. I assumed he was being a jerk. I got a text in the morning from his cousin saying that he had passed three weeks ago. I asked if it was a joke, and I didn't think it was very funny at all. She called me and said it was true. I felt numb, sad, hurt, angry, a plethora of emotions I couldn't describe. No, we weren't together anymore but I still cared for him as a friend. He had text me two days before his passing telling me he still loved me and wanted another chance. It started off with small talk but once he said that, I ignored him. I was tired of the games. That was the last thing he ever said to me... And I ignored him. Needless to say I had a sleepless night, all I could see was his face and the memories we shared. I mentioned that I found out some things that I would rather not repeat even though they make me feel more confused than ever and how I will never find the answers that I seek. I started this off with how upset he'd make me and ended it with how happy he'd make me feel. I think everyone deserves some recognition in their life and although I cant say I am happy with some of his choices or lies I had to find out about, I'll end it like that. I think I just needed to find some sort of closure to the rocky relationship we had, even as friends. He was still a good person, I'm just glad I chose to see the good in him. May you rest in peace Marco S.

Thursday, July 8, 2010


They say time flies when you're having fun, or at least when your keeping busy anyway, but when you are stuck at home with nothing to do it seems to drag on . I can seriously hear the second hand on the clock ticking away, what is even more disturbing is hearing the silence between each second. I suppose I could use my time more productively but what's better than sitting on your ass at home watching three straight hours of Grey's Anatomy on Lifetime... OK, I'm just kidding... Seriously! I'd much rather be out chillin' with my friends, but they're at work or school, besides... the auntie left for vacation and I'm here attempting to keep grandpa company so he is not all alone (I don't think I'm doing that great of a job since I've been in my room for the past 2 and half hours watching Grey's). And I suppose I could go out and look for a job but unfortunately it's all done online. That interview I mentioned previously was rescheduled for this coming Monday, and yes... that was a WHOLE two weeks. I'm still very excited and hoping this could be my chance to get my skills to good use, at least until I can get a job at the hospital. I am seriously fiending for some action. OK, so you wanna know how bad it is? I was fiddling with my stethoscope so I decided to listen to my own bowel sounds. Yep... I would take a sip from my drink and listen to it go down. It was the best thing ever and it kept me entertained for about 30 minutes, lol. OK it really wasn't but I was extremely bored lol. What? Don't judge. It was waaaay better than twiddling my thumbs (it really isn't the cure for boredom). I just hope the job market doesn't keep me out of work for much longer, I've been unemployed for the past four years and I am definitely ready to jump into the workforce. Actually I am really ready for my first pay check! lol.

Enough ranting about how bored I am...

This past weekend went very well. My Momma came into town for the holiday/vacation. As usual, spending quality time with her is always the best. They drove down in my step dad's truck so mom doesn't drive it unless absolutely necessary because her back hurts (discectomy and fusion back in Dec.) so I pretty much drove her around town. I joked about driving Ms. Daisy... she didn't find it as amusing as I did. She is still having a hard time dealing about the loss of her sister, which is understandable. All I can do is listen, I mean... what can one say? I just offer her an ear and a shoulder if she needs one. My brother met up with mom and I the first day she was here. It was nice hanging out, just us three, like it was when we were little. Times like these make me appreciate the value of family and unity mother instilled in us. I try to remind my brother of that occasionally. He moved down a couple months ago saying he needed to be here for grandpa and help him out, he rarely spends time with him (or me for that matter) and comes over just to feed his dog. One day he will realize that life is not guaranteed and how valuable one's word can be. But besides that we are very close and will always be "The Three Musketeers", I love my family to pieces. Here we are being goofy... (me, brother, mom)


So I was completely bored out of my mind, so bored that I decided I would go put gas in my truck just to do something. I put gas and decide that I want a Pickadilly (snowcone with pickles and kool-aid powder...MMMmmmm DELICIOSO) Anyhow, the Raspa (snowcone) stand by our house happened to be closed for some unknown reason, I mean seriously??? It's sprinkling outside, people still want their raspas. So I decide to hit up another stand about a mile (maybe less) away... And much to my surprise, THAT STAND TOO WAS CLOSED. WTF!!! ;( I wasn't ready to head back home yet so I decide to drive to a near by city to get my diet coke (I hadn't had my fix today) at Stripes (formerly Circle K); I was just trying to find something to do. So I get my soda, hop back in my truck and it doesn't turn on. Great! JUST FREAKIN' GREAT! Of course, it's just my luck to have vehicular problems. I text my brother (who I am already frustrated with because he said he was gonna go spend time with me and he didn't) and tell him he needs to come rescue me... Always a damsel in distress. He and my SIL get there and get my truck going. She decides to throw the the "L" on the forehead sign (L-O-S-E-R) so I throw her the bird (I know my mom is prolly reading this saying OMG Cynthia... I did not teach you that. lol.) Anyway, to make a long story short I buy the part he thinks is needed, turns out it's the battery. Well, my truck isn't up and running today, but hopefully tomorrow. I am just so thankful I have a brother I can count on when I need rescuing. I hate having to bother my dad, when it is his responsibility... at least till I get married... NOW THAT I THINK OF IT, THAT IS WHY EVERYONE IS TRYING TO GET ME HITCHED...I GUESS I FINALLY FIGURED IT OUT. LOL.