Thursday, July 15, 2010
4 days running on lack of sleep is really catching up to me. I had this crazy notion that if I went to pay my respects the dreams would stop. I cant fall asleep without seeing his face or dreaming of him. Apparently some feel that this is due to guilt. I have no guilt, not really. I decided to go to the cemetery and find him. I went blindly not knowing where to look or where to begin. Coincidentally I stopped at this grave with a similar name, the dates were off. This woman had been visiting and asked if I was lost. Apparently I was, wrong guy. I actually went to get some flowers, a small bunch of red roses... I'm on a budget here being that I am unemployed. I searched and searched. I came across a few new, unmarked graves feeling that he had to be there. A while later a group of young women, roughly my age, showed up but only one got off. I asked if who she was looking for, and apparently we were looking for the same person. She told me her name and that she wasn't sure where his grave was. She was a friend of his, I just introduced myself leaving out the details of how I knew Marco. I decided I'd call the office tomorrow morning and see where exactly he is located so I can pay my respects. I wrote this long letter expressing my emotions... sort of like a last goodbye. I don't expect anyone to understand because I only revealed what I chose to about our relationship. Most of it was rocky as I mentioned before, so unfortunately most of what people heard was the ranting I did and being that I am very private about my relationships, no one knew much about us. Nothing bothers me more than people speculating. Regardless, I have so much I need to say to him, but I'll never get that chance. Things like this take time, I realize that... I guess that is why you're supposed to say whatever it is that you need to when you have the chance; Tomorrow is never guaranteed.