Sunday, July 11, 2010


Seems like everywhere I turn tragedy strikes and I'm seriously needing a break from it. Sorrow definitely does not look good on me. I wish things were like when I was little and most of my days were filled with sunshine and happiness (when it was me, mom, and brother), when I had no care in the world, and my life was surrounded by people I loved. These days my life is still filled with sunshine and happiness, which comes from my strong faith and positivity, however at times they seem to be overshadowed by death of friends and loved ones. I know death is inevitable, but what ever happened to people dying of old age? Within 10 months I lost my grandma, whom I adored, my aunt, who although I was not very close to, I loved nonetheless, and just found out I lost a friend, an ex boyfriend.

I am filled with so many mixed emotions I don't know where to even begin to sort things out. I have feelings of anger, confusion, and sadness all at the same time and yet I still try and think about the good times. I think I've found out more personal facts about his life in death that I did when we were together, which was the past three years off and on. When we first dated he begged me for months for me to be his girlfriend. I would hesitate and he would get so upset and say how he didn't understand women. We want everything and when it is given to us, we just abuse it... We'll I'm not so sure what he meant by all that, I just wasn't ready for a serious relationship. We lived in the moment, we never talked about his childhood or mine for that matter. He didn't know my history and I didn't know his. I think all I knew about his family that his parents were still married and his dad was ill, he had a sister and a brother, all whom he loved very much, and that he'd help out his family a lot. He was a very private man but I thought nothing of it because, I too, am very private. My family never met him, my best friend did and didn't like him... but I think that is just payback for everything I put her boyfriends through... you know, the "third degree". I never met his family either although I recall a time when he wanted to take me to Houston one Easter weekend, but that meant I'd miss out on my family, so I opted not to go. I always broke it off with him because of his lack of communication and insensitivity but always extended my friendship, which was never good enough for him but he always managed to find his way back into my life. He would say we were friends then change it up on me and said he never agreed to friendship and how happy he was to have me back. He was quite manipulative and the fact that I was very trusting didn't help. I finally broke it off for the last time, I couldn't handle the way he dealt with his problems, mostly family problems but he was very vague. He would cut me off completely till he was ready and by that time I was infuriated. Don't get me wrong, I admired his responsibility toward his family... my family is the most important thing to my as well but I couldn't handle the way he'd react to it. He never failed to text me how much he missed and loved me, how he wanted me back, and for me to give him a family, a son named Joaquin, after his favorite uncle (I would just laugh and say no way). My response was always that we just weren't meant to be together and a family was definitely not my priority. I was finishing up my degree and I just wasn't ready. Besides, I wanted it all... The wedding, loving family... happily ever after, you know, the fairy tale and I knew it just wouldn't work out that way for he and I. I've done it before in reverse, and although I thought I was in love with that person, those were some of the unhappiest times in my life, so I felt I deserved perfection... and Marco wouldn't have given that to me either.

Despite all that, there was a lot of good in him. He was very caring when he wasn't closed off. He was always laughing and smiling and had a profound passion for music. He'd play the guitar and sing me his songs and tell me about his dad's band (well, when he used to play when he wasn't sick) and how everyone in his family was into music, his brother, cousins, uncles etc. He was very proud of his brother who had recorded an album (which was pretty good if I say so myself). He loved Counting Crows. He was a big UT fan (Go Longhorns) being that he graduated from there with a degree in design. He loved sports and if he wasn't watching it on TV, he was listening to it on XM radio in his car and at work... now that always pissed me off (that he was sooo into his sports, typical male). I remember this one time when we were just hanging out at his apartment and another time at his house (well, his parent's house, but they lived in Houston so he stayed there too) and he was so into the sports channel I got so upset that he wasn't paying attention to me that I stood up in front of the TV and I yelled at him "Go F**k your TV". It was quite funny now that I think about it, but it got his attention and then I was in a bad mood by then so nothing made me happy. Another time, I was pissed off as usual, he had picked me up and we were driving to his apartment and there were some billboards that we passed, I think they were about God or something, one said, "just get over it, it's not as big as you think" (or something along those lines)... I saw it and couldn't help but want to laugh and I looked at him and said, "Don't you dare say a word" and we just started laughing. He loved to play with my hair and being that my hair is curly, it would frizz up and look like a fro, but he did it anyway. He would caress my face and tell me how beautiful I was. We'd have tickle fights and I would kick him... What? I had to defend myself. lol.

I always saw the best in him, but that's because I trusted too much, and that was all I wanted to see. Even after all the hurt, I could put it aside and see all the good. I put up with a lot, but that is what you do when you care for someone. I felt like I was the last one to know about his passing. He was on my mind so I had text him to make sure he was well. I received a message back asking who I was. I assumed he was being a jerk. I got a text in the morning from his cousin saying that he had passed three weeks ago. I asked if it was a joke, and I didn't think it was very funny at all. She called me and said it was true. I felt numb, sad, hurt, angry, a plethora of emotions I couldn't describe. No, we weren't together anymore but I still cared for him as a friend. He had text me two days before his passing telling me he still loved me and wanted another chance. It started off with small talk but once he said that, I ignored him. I was tired of the games. That was the last thing he ever said to me... And I ignored him. Needless to say I had a sleepless night, all I could see was his face and the memories we shared. I mentioned that I found out some things that I would rather not repeat even though they make me feel more confused than ever and how I will never find the answers that I seek. I started this off with how upset he'd make me and ended it with how happy he'd make me feel. I think everyone deserves some recognition in their life and although I cant say I am happy with some of his choices or lies I had to find out about, I'll end it like that. I think I just needed to find some sort of closure to the rocky relationship we had, even as friends. He was still a good person, I'm just glad I chose to see the good in him. May you rest in peace Marco S.