When it rains, it pours

♥ These last few days have not been going all too well. Before I go into the negative, I'd like to at least highlight the positive... Mom came into town for her vacation, luckily she was able to make it to a family member's funeral (mom's cousin or something). I always cherish the time we spend together because I don't get to see her as often as I'd like. What I don't like is sharing her with everyone (I am very territorial of my mother). She arrived on Wednesday but I had a crap load of paperwork to do before my clinicals the next day so I didn't get to see her. Basically I spent as much time with her as I could before she left even though I needed to do some serious cramming for my exam (today). We went swimming, shopping, dining, and just hung out. It was great! I miss her already ; (. I went to Sunday service with Missy. We hadn't gone in like two months or longer; just laziness and not making the effort to go. I think it's funny how the "word" always seems to apply.

♥ Now the negative... I made an ass out of myself Friday night. I wont go into the specifics on that lets just say "Blame it on the A-A-A-A-A-A Alcohol", lol. I knew what I was doing I guess... so no excuses. I was gone all weekend because, as I mentioned, mom was in town. That meant that grandpa was here at home all day long, by himself with grams. So, I just felt I got the "you're leaving again" look, not only that, I tried studying a little before class during the week and I wouldn't get out of my cave of a room 'till I had to get ready for school, which starts at noon on most days, and so I'd get the "Damn you're just waking up" disgusted look since I was still in my pajamas. One of my fish died on Saturday, I had it for three years. I felt guilty because I didn't make it a proper burial. I flushed it down the toilet and just said, "(Sigh)... Oh well". We went to have lunch after Sunday service, I sat down and decided to move the chair by the wall cause Missy was sitting there but on the opposite side (I hate not having someone sit in front of me). Anyhow, I placed my purse on the seat. This server (not ours) dropped a salad bowl all over my purse and didn't even say sorry until she saw a disgruntled look on my face. Missy heard our server say "Now there's a free meal". I guess he thought I was gonna throw a bitch fit. She came back like five minutes later saying oh I'm sorry. I thought to myself, "A little late don't you think?" but I kept my remarks to myself. I told Missy, Gee, I guess I don't need a to go box since there is already food in my purse. She sees me wiping the lettuce and vinaigrette dressing off my purse so she brings me a wipey. OK, this is like a Clorox wipe and it will probably ruin the leather. I guess it was a nice gesture. Then I asked our waiter for a little extra Alfredo sauce for my pasta because it was pretty dry. He brings it and spills it in my drink. NO, I didn't make a big deal, about any of it. And no, I didn't get a free meal or a discount. Imagine if I hadn't moved from that seat, I would have had salad all over my new blouse. So I go to my study group and I cant focus. ADD is on full force. I try to absorb as much as I can. Well, I failed my test today. and the previous exam as well. I am so disappointed with myself. I don't know what is going on with me these days. The members of my study group were so excited that they passed since some failed the last one. Oh, Cyn, did you pass? How did you do? OMG, I passed YAY!, did you? Nope not me. This is so unlike me. I don't know what I am doing wrong. I was happy for them, but we are midway through the final semester and I am FAILING (Not drastically, but when I don't do as well as I expect, I spazz out). I hurried out of the building feeling defeated while trying to fight off the tears of shame and disappointment.

♥ On the flip side, I am not one to give up. I can only try my best and have faith in myself that I will rise above what brings me down. So I'm gonna take a nap, and hit the books. I am gonna block out all the distractions and just focus on my studies. My friends are all concerned 'cause I turned off my phone, OK guys, I'm not on suicide watch. lol. I just needed a moment to regain my composure. I swear I had like 15 missed calls and three times the text messages. Cyn... I know your there... ANSWER UR FUCKIN' PHONE!...HEY... Where are you?... why aren't you answering?...are you ok? Well, I'm glad I have such a fabulous support system who believe in me and care. RJ is such a sweetheart. I texted him to tell him the bad news and he says "Focus more on your studies and not on me (That's too cute)...Look, I wont talk to you as much if I'm being a distraction". So I'm like "no silly, it's not you, I'm just... I don't know exactly what's going on." I called mom back too, I text her as soon as I found out my grade. She was like, "what's going on? This isn't you. So you had a crappy day?" Um, yeah. Enough said...