Thursday, September 17, 2009

Gone but not forgotten

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It's been a long and exhausting week. Grams passed away Friday September 11, 2009. She fought a courageous battle with cancer but God had other plans for her and called her to his kingdom. Grams was admitted to the hospital Tuesday night for severe pain, but we never expected she wouldn't make it out. I feel lost without her but I am at peace knowing she no longer suffers. I couldn't sleep Thursday, Friday, or Saturday. My heart felt empty and inconsolable. The service was beautiful. Grams looked so peaceful. Her wish was to have a closed casket because she didn't want anyone to see how thin she was, when grandpa went in to see her before everyone else at the funeral home, he was in awe at how beautiful she looked and made the decision to keep it open. I am glad he did. I got the courage to write a few words about my grandma to share with everyone. It was one of the most difficult things I ever had to do. My friend offered to help me read it because I didn't think I'd be able to and when the time came to go up, I looked around and she wasn't there. I debated staying quiet and not going up since no one knew about it but I knew in my heart I would regret it if I didn't. I broke down a couple times but I made it through. I don't remember much other than the shaking and crying and being consoled by my grandmother's friend. It was beautiful, I received many compliments, I just spoke the truth. Grams touched many lives; What a beautiful person she was. After I said the eulogy, a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I slept well and felt at peace. Monday was the funeral, I didn't cry much I just teared here and there mostly because of how proud I am of her and the legacy she left behind. I consoled my family, especially my grandpa. I cant get used to not having her here. I miss her so much. I devoted a lot of time caring for her alongside grandpa. I know she was proud of me and loved me so much, she always told me so. So as a new chapter in my life begins, I'll try to gather the pieces of my heart knowing life will never be the same. The sun will still rise, the birds will still sing, and life will go on, that's what she would want.

2 comments:

tha unpretentious narcissist © said...

i'm so sorry for your loss. just from reading a few of your other post i could see you were very close. my prayers & condolences go to you and you family.

remember the suffering is left on earth, it's no longer a thought where she's at. may God comfort you & help you through this rough time.

Cyn said...

thank you so much!