Friday, August 21, 2009

Let downs

I had my meeting with my instructor on Wednesday. Needless to say, it didn't go the way I planned. Seems like a multitude of things haven't been going the way I planned all of a sudden. Remember how I mentioned my truck broke down? OK, so it got fixed Tuesday, just in time for my appointment. Well, since I was confined all weekend and half of the week, I escaped my cave (because I was tired of living like a hermit) and went over to Missy's to have a drink. Truck was fine. I was thrilled. I head out to my appointment on Wednesday and my truck breaks down again. Yes... The belt again. I call my instructor explaining my situation. It's OK, she'll wait, she understands. I pull in to the mall right off the next exit. I call my cousin Sheila since she is normally all over town working. She rescues me. I make it to my appointment. Before I head to the office, I call dad.

Me: Um... the band broke again, I got a ride from Sheila,
Dad: (All Pissed off) Well I'm not putting anymore money into your truck. I'll pick it up tonight.
Me: (Click; I hang up) %^&*(%^&*()(&^^&*$%^&*%^&*

Yeah... enough said. Ughhh... he pisses me off. I cant even remember the last time he worked on my truck besides Tuesday. (There's more to the story but let's save that for another post)

I get to the office. Actually, she was in (you know who's office, If not refresh yourself with this post) Despite every explanation and desperate attempt to secure my seat back into the program this fall, I was unsuccessful. Apparently they don't feel it is enough time for me to grasp what I missed. They obviously aren't listening! It's not that I don't grasp the material, I just had some distractions. No use, I just stormed off. I went downstairs and saw some of my friends, they were taking the second exit exam. Some of my really good friends were still upstairs testing. Anyhow... I sat and chatted with them for a bit. They started to talk about how they didn't have to try since they had already passed the first exam and how they were excited that they found their preceptors for their 160 hour preceptorship. I couldn't help but feel a sense of depersonalization. Kinda like an out of body experience. I heard them talking but all of a sudden I started to feel like I was drifting. I should have been there too, excited about my preceptorship in the ER, and how pinning is a month and a half away... prepping for NCLEX. Like this is all just a bad dream and I'm just waiting to wake up. I just felt like I didn't belong anymore. Anyway... its not a dream and I'm definitely not waking up. I am happy for them. Actually, I am so proud of them I just wish things had gone better for me.

Little by little some of my friends started come downstairs. Some had a sigh of relief, they passed. Some didn't even try at all since they passed on the first try. Others were devastated that despite all the studying, they didn't pass. All I could do was offer a few words of comfort encouraging them. I let them know that I understand how it feels and reassured them that it is not the end of the world, as they did for me.

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