New Beginnings...

♥I just got home from school a while ago and I am so freakin' tired. After two years of straight nursing I couldnt imagine life beyond it. I love nursing... It's my passion. So when I found out I failed (let me reiterate that I DIDNT FAIL, I got a 74, which is still bad, but according to nursing standards a 75 is passing) my fourth and final semester, I almost died, but didnt. Since I'm being forced to take a semester off, I decided to take regular classes so I'd have something to do. It felt weird not wearing my ciel blue scrubs. I despised those scrubs. I hated looking like a blue smurf. But now... I miss my scrubs. It's akward having to wake up in the morning and having to pick out something to wear. And so you mean... I can actually wear my favorite Vans to school instead of tidy whitey sneaks? OMG! That's about all I look forward to. But... I think I'm gonna wear them anyway. lol J/K I was hella excited about my first class... aerobic dance. I got to school in my workout clothes. The first day totally kicked my ass. NOT!!! How boring. All I got was a freakin syllabus and a lame as statement from the instructor saying she has never taught the course nor has she ever taken an aerobics class and for the first two weeks we wont be exercising and when we do, we will utilize videos. WTF! you gotta be kidding me. I know I didnt just pay for a class to work my ass off so I can watch some lame video that I could do at home. (BTW... Missy and I are gonna get that "Flirty Girl Fitness Video"... yeah and it comes with a free lap dance video TOO... It's what I always wanted... to be a stripper in the privacy of my own home!!! LOL). I'm not sure you can handle all my sexiness. lol. I realized there was no where for me to change and since I was forced to park two miles away (Literally... and I guess I got my workout) and I didnt wanna carry all the extra stuff (clothes) I changed in my truck! Exciting I know. But I'm smooth like that. No one saw... so I think. lol.


♥I realized that I hate the "Pecan" or "Main"campus (one of the many campuses affiliated with my regular school (Nursing & Allied Health). I hate stupid kids who think they know it all and wear stilletos like they're going to a freakin' club then complain about it. AND I ESPECIALLY HATE WHEN THEY SAY THEY ARE IN SCHOOL CAUSE THEIR PARENTS MADE THEM GO OR ELSE THEY'D HAVE TO WORK. (Kinda sounds like my SIL) I miss MY campus. Where you have to be accepted to get in (besides getting accepted into college), where everyone is a medical PROFESSIONAL, and the students are not like, "OMG, that guy is soooo HAWTTT!!!", "Do I have lipstick on my teeth?". I was SOOO annoyed that these people were in my way and taking up my oxygen. I'm not one for drama, I am waaaaaay too old for that shit... Seriously though... Young chicks=TOO MUCH D-R-A-M-A! So that obviously means I dont wanna know about your drama and get the F**K out of my face. I have a splitting headache and I lost my glasses. >:-(. OK enough ranting.

♥Despite all the negative stuff I had to say... I am truly an optimist. Truth of the matter is, I got my workout anyway. I walked from my truck (which was REALLLLLY far away) and I carried two huge-super-heavy books all day 'cause I didn't take a back pack (that's no one's fault but my own). My arms are gonna be so sore. Even though I don't get to work out for a while, I will eventually get to. I get to go to my photography class tomorrow. I'm not exactly looking forward to Spanish or Statistics... but I need them, so I will make the best of it. I will maintain an "ATTITUDE OF GRATITUDE" because I am blessed and fortunate to go to school. I miss my "old school" friends dearly and wish them luck 'cause they start preceps tomorrow!

♥And last but not least... Mortimer the Frog died. :(. I've been so stressed I didn't even really care anymore. I feel guilty now after the fact for thinking "that is one less responsibility". I know... very crappy on my part. I buried him... well not really. I was too tired to dig a hole so I put him on a pile of leaves in the back and just threw some more on top. UGH... And some of you might think... who cares, its just a frog. That may be so... but it was MY frog, and as grossed out as I got if I had to touch it, I raised it for three years.

♥Time for bed... I'm beat!

a little here and there

I mentioned before that I just haven't felt like blogging or writing. I've got a lot going on at the moment and it just seems as everything else is rather... insignificant. I guess I'm just gonna go ahead and vent, after all, writing is a means for me to express myself in a one way therapeutic session.

♥♥♥♥♥♥

Remembering the greatest gift God ever gave me...

An Angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth. And whispered as she closed the book "too beautiful for earth."

It gets easier as time goes on, but I'll never forget. Mom and I talked about it the last time she was here. I still remember how excited she was, how excited we all were. I'll never forget that dreadful day, and how I felt; numb, angry, morose... I don't talk about this much openly, I just keep it between me and God. 4 years ago today, and I still remember it clearly.

♥♥♥♥♥♥

Grams

She's not doing any better, in fact... I hate to admit I see her declining more and more. She is down to 80 pounds and is sleeping less and less while the pain is intensifying. The midnight back rubs are also increasing, but they help her sleep. So even if I have to wake up three times a night, I will. She always did say I had "healing hands". That means I am awake more at night. I find myself tired and stressed... and that's 'cause she calls on grandpa more than me. I'm on edge and often battling frustration. I never let her see it, though. I don't ever want her to think she is a burden, because she is not. I just ask God to give me patience, and He does. Some say, "I cant see her like that, It's too painful" or "I'm scared to see her like that"but truth of the matter is that she has been there for everyone of us. Don't you think she is scared? She is a loosing a battle to Cancer. Her own body is killing her, suffocating her. Where are you when she needs you? I'm just disappointed, but I know in my heart I am doing everything I can.

Her body is so frail;

Skin so cold and pale.

Sunken cheeks and eyes;

Scared but never cries.

Every breath is a struggle for air;

For her this burden, I wish to bare.

Overwhelmed by pain;

Chemo still infused through her vein.

This Cancer consuming her is very swift;

Thus every moment is a priceless gift.

♥♥♥♥♥♥

I think I need a vacation... Seriously. I debated on going to visit mom, but I cant help but feel guilty for not being home with grams. I went to a BBQ last night with my girlfriends. It was nice just getting out. I haven't been doing much of that lately. I remember when my life was all about partying. Whoa! Where did those days go? I mean it was less than a year ago. I'm OK with it... it gets a little old. I started going to church on Wednesdays... It's a little different from Sunday service but I really like it. My life seems to be going in a different direction, I actually find peace in that. Anyways, I guess I'm done venting. Not much else going on. School starts back up on Monday. Yay! lol. I signed up for photography. Pretty excited about that. Wish me luck! Oh yeah... I almost forgot... My frog is sick. ;(. Yeah I have a frog. Gross I know. But I started to collect froggies... like stuffed frogs years ago and one day I saw a cute little frog at Wal-mart. But it turned into this 5 inch slime ball that I have grown accustomed to. He was like super fat... now he has lost weight, wont eat or swim. Ugh... I don't like touching slimy things so I gross out even thinking about force feeding him... YUCK! OK that's all lol.

Back to school

♥So... school starts back up on Monday. I obviously wont be taking any nursing classes since I am being punished. I guess I'm just taking busy classes... ya know... to keep me busy. I totally feel like Sheila; I have no drive to write... AT ALL! I went down to school today to write and submit a letter to the program chair as to why I was unsuccessful in my class. Of course my letter was AWESOME! C'mon now... this is me, Cyn, MASTER of letter writing. Just ask anyone who's received one. I became a pro at writing when I worked for A&M-CC Police Dept. If you only knew how many times I got myself in trouble, I think my file was so thick they needed a whole file cabinet just for me lol. But there is nothing my sweet talkin' cant get me out of. Other than trying to get back into the nursing program this fall. It's all politics. It's been done before... but I may as well get over it already. Like I said, this is just a better opportunity to spend more time with grams.

♥I am excited about this semester, I'm signing up for two kinesiology classes and like three others not worth mentioning. Eh... I could seriously use the exercise, lol. What better motivation is there than to be graded on it? I'll keep y'all updated on that. I'll also be spending more time through out the semester at my nursing campus to work on that portfolio I mentioned previously. Some say its busy work, and it probably is... but I seriously feel I could benefit from it.

♥I guess that's all folks... not much to say at the moment... not much going on.

Let downs

I had my meeting with my instructor on Wednesday. Needless to say, it didn't go the way I planned. Seems like a multitude of things haven't been going the way I planned all of a sudden. Remember how I mentioned my truck broke down? OK, so it got fixed Tuesday, just in time for my appointment. Well, since I was confined all weekend and half of the week, I escaped my cave (because I was tired of living like a hermit) and went over to Missy's to have a drink. Truck was fine. I was thrilled. I head out to my appointment on Wednesday and my truck breaks down again. Yes... The belt again. I call my instructor explaining my situation. It's OK, she'll wait, she understands. I pull in to the mall right off the next exit. I call my cousin Sheila since she is normally all over town working. She rescues me. I make it to my appointment. Before I head to the office, I call dad.

Me: Um... the band broke again, I got a ride from Sheila,
Dad: (All Pissed off) Well I'm not putting anymore money into your truck. I'll pick it up tonight.
Me: (Click; I hang up) %^&*(%^&*()(&^^&*$%^&*%^&*

Yeah... enough said. Ughhh... he pisses me off. I cant even remember the last time he worked on my truck besides Tuesday. (There's more to the story but let's save that for another post)

I get to the office. Actually, she was in (you know who's office, If not refresh yourself with this post) Despite every explanation and desperate attempt to secure my seat back into the program this fall, I was unsuccessful. Apparently they don't feel it is enough time for me to grasp what I missed. They obviously aren't listening! It's not that I don't grasp the material, I just had some distractions. No use, I just stormed off. I went downstairs and saw some of my friends, they were taking the second exit exam. Some of my really good friends were still upstairs testing. Anyhow... I sat and chatted with them for a bit. They started to talk about how they didn't have to try since they had already passed the first exam and how they were excited that they found their preceptors for their 160 hour preceptorship. I couldn't help but feel a sense of depersonalization. Kinda like an out of body experience. I heard them talking but all of a sudden I started to feel like I was drifting. I should have been there too, excited about my preceptorship in the ER, and how pinning is a month and a half away... prepping for NCLEX. Like this is all just a bad dream and I'm just waiting to wake up. I just felt like I didn't belong anymore. Anyway... its not a dream and I'm definitely not waking up. I am happy for them. Actually, I am so proud of them I just wish things had gone better for me.

Little by little some of my friends started come downstairs. Some had a sigh of relief, they passed. Some didn't even try at all since they passed on the first try. Others were devastated that despite all the studying, they didn't pass. All I could do was offer a few words of comfort encouraging them. I let them know that I understand how it feels and reassured them that it is not the end of the world, as they did for me.

Letting Go

"To live in this world, you must be able to do three things: to love what is
mortal; to hold it against your bones knowing your own life depends on it; and,
when the time comes to let it go, let it go""

♥(Forgive me for being Vague, I often have this tendency) Have you ever wanted something so bad? Well... there are a lot of things I want SOOOO bad especially one (Aside from nursing). And... perhaps this desire that I have may not be so good for me (OK... well its not bad either, per say). I believe that I will not so much benefit from it, more like it will consume a lot of my energy and effort. But that's what you do, Right? You sacrifice for things you want. You learn what it means to live for something else. Something other than "ME". Maybe I never had a chance in the first place, but I it felt so damn good when I "tried it on". I can honestly say that I have felt this once before, but that's the past and neither here, nor there. I don't know... I guess I have been thinking a lot lately and I'm starting to feel it just might not be worth the effort. I feel I'm letting it go. Like the saying goes "If it's meant to be...it will be" and like my FAV Jack Johnson sang "Time doesn't wait... That's OK because I don't wait for time." It's pointless waiting around for something that may never come around. All I can do is leave it in God's hands and maybe something better may come along.

Going out of my Mind

♥YES... I'm still truck-less. Dad stopped by after 6 on Sunday like he said. Then I get a call. Um, Bibis (that's what my mom and dad call me)... It got dark and I cant see anything so you're truck will have to wait until tomorrow. AHHH WTF!!! Why does this always happen to me??? Monday came and went... I didn't see dad. Nor did I bother calling him. I figured if he had time, he would have come by. So... I have been bored out of my mind. I cant stand another minute of being confined in my cave of a room. I actually... DARE I SAY IT... Watched TV. I HATE to watch TV! I started off watching some show about Tsunamis or something. I didn't finish watching it all. I cant sit through an entire show... ADD. I did a little cleaning. Watched Intervention (that show is actually pretty good and made me sit through a couple episodes). Got on the computer. I watched more TV: Cake Boss (that's funny) and Jon and Kate plus 8 (I used to love that show... It sucks now. I don't want to watch stupid mini vacations I cant be on! Show me drama, show me real life stuff... it is, after all, a reality show, not something that should be on the travel channel). Yada yada... So I have done ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. I'm still at home. I've been depressed that I cant do anything, I actually sleep till noon, like I seriously just woke up. But I stayed up until 3 watching Cold Case, well parts of it. I have not seen that much TV since I was in middle school addicted to talk shows. I wish I was back in school.

♥Speaking of school... I have my appointment tomorrow instead of Friday. I'm really praying for some good news! I hope to get back into the program this Fall semester. I am determined to do so and I will NOT take "no" for an answer...

♥Why am I still sleepy? I slept 9 hours. That is more than I used to get in an entire week. OMG!

♥ So that exam I would have taken Monday didn't go so well for some of my friends. I just reassured them that everything was gonna be OK. They have to take the HESI exit exam next and they get to take it twice. I don't worry about them... They'll be OK!

True story... I can laugh now... Like... After the fact

♥So the morning started off on the wrong foot. I went to bed really late cause I couldn't sleep. What's new? Anyhow... grandpa wakes me up to go sit with grams so he can go to church... This is like at 0730-ish. I wake up, groggy and grumpy. Sit on the recliner next to hers and attempt to get a little more shut eye. So what's the point??? Basically, I didn't get any till grandpa got back, got like maybe 30 minutes or so. I had to hurry and get ready for Sunday service because in those thirty minutes that I happened to fall asleep, I hit the snooze button when the alarm went off. SHIT!!! I couldn't decide on what to wear. I called and called Missy to wake her up. She didn't. Guess she's not going. Hop in my truck and rush off to church... I'm already running late. I call my friend Inez and tell her to save me a seat since I'm half way there. I hang up, and hear a rattling sound coming from my truck. HMMMM??? I think I got an aluminum can stuck under the truck... No time to worry about that... it will get loose. I gotta make it to church. I hear another sound, AWESOME!!!! I think that can got loose!!! But wait!!! My truck sounds funny. :-/... UH OH!!!! I look at the temperature gauge! It's all the way to HOTTTT!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I pull over and start to feel the power steering or lack of it... I call Inez... Ummm, I'm not gonna make it. Sorry... She asks if I want her to pick me up so I can still make it to church... I think about it and decide not to because It's just my luck to have someone see my truck parked along the expressway and I'm MIA, having a jolly time and people are worried about me. I call my dad instead... "Dad I'm by the "I" road exit... Come get me! My truck messed up... I think it was the belt... Hurry! It's hottt (Of course it's hot... This all happened at 1200, the HOTTEST PART OF THE DAY!) Dad says to get off the truck and check under the hood. Uh, NO! I'm not getting off. There is a lot of traffic and its HOT! Hurry, come now! I'm already sweating and my face is melting, my make-up is smearing!

♥about 15 minutes later... dad gets there with My aunt's BF Joe. He tells me to pop the hood open so he can check it... Sure enough... it's the belt. How did I know??? Well... I kept hearing a really screechy noise and well I know that's the belt... But I didn't tell anyone... AND IF I HAD... this wouldn't have occurred. ;( OK, its all my fault but I'm like super busy I didn't have time to report it. Back to the story... Dad leaves the A/C on in his truck so that his spoiled rotten QUEEN DIVALICIOUS daughter (ME, DUH) can go sit in it while they hook up her truck to his to get it home. So while dad and Joe are out side sweating, I am in the fresh A/C thinking how I might blog about my incident. So I take some pics... Of me... not the truck... or the men working on my truck... OOOH that one's cute... so I take another... lol... You'll never guess what happens next...

♥Or can you??? OK humor me... Take a wild guess... This is fun... Don't ya think? Dad's A/C blew out. LMAO!!! that is what I get for being a narcissistic whiny brat! So, I never made it to my destination, and I am truck-less until about 6 or so... 'Cause dad says it's TOO HOTTT!!! OH WELLL!!!

It's not the end of the world...

∞ Even though it kinda feels like it right now, no... It is NOT the end of the world. Bad news. I didn't pass. In the end, I missed my final by three points... I needed a 79 and ended up with a 76. I am devastated. Mostly because I was determined to pass so that I could make my grams proud. I had a hard time telling her. My grandparents know I tried my best. I know the material. ALL OF IT. I just don't know why I blank when it's on paper. Anyways, well no use dwelling on it. I need to make an appointment with the program chair to see about taking the class again. There is this whole committee process. I'm not exactly sure how it goes but I hear there is a lot involved. I may be able to take it again right away and graduate by December, which is great 'cause that only sets me back two months, or I may have to wait out a semester or two which might not allow me the opportunity to make grams proud. I am so proud of my friends who passed and get to move on to the next milestone. I wont get to be with them but I'll be there on the sidelines cheering them on. ∞
∞ So while everyone was out celebrating last night... I sat outside while my aunt and vodka kept me company. And when life gives you lemons, drink tequila! I had some of that too. I kinda joked about retaking the class... I thought, well at least I get to see "you know who" again, lol. ∞

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine...FYI

I received this in an email...

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine...
And those who don't.

As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials,
Scientists have demonstrated that if we drink
1 liter of water each day,
At the end of the year we would have absorbed
More than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria
Found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop..

However,
We do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer
(or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor)
Because alcohol has to go through a purification process
Of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:

Water = Poop,
Wine = Health.

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
Than to drink water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I'm doing it as a public service!

∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞

As I mentioned before... I took my last exam.

I spoke with my professor

and he calculated what I needed to

score on my final to pass

the course.

...

79

...

It's do-able, Yes

but its gonna be tough.

I am shitting bricks

and maybe the fear will knock

some sense into me.

...

Wouldn't it be easy to rewind time?

I wish I could do it all over

and step up my game.

Well, my game was on

but the exams were hard,

and now that I know what to expect,

I would do better.

Life doesn't work that way

So I will play the hand I have been dealt

...

Keep praying for me & Grams

Last chance...

"My will shall shape the future. Whether I fail or succeed shall be no
man's doing but my own. I am the force; I can clear any obstacle before me or I
can be lost in the maze. My choice; my responsibility; win or lose, only I hold
the key to my destiny."

♥ I had an exam today... It was the last of four. I studied harder than I ever have, I was committed to this HARDCORE! I slept 3 hours a night if that. I was SOOOO positive...NOPE! I didn't even have a single melt down. Last night I went to bed at 2 (talking to RJ), woke up at 5 to meet my friends at Whataburger to squeeze in a little more studying. I get to class at 8 and I can feel it in my bones that I am gonna rock it! I get my test... 1st part... Neuro... I got this... 2nd part... Endocrine... WTF!!! I mean I know this stuff. What sucks is that our exams aren't knowledge based. It's all application. Well... I didn't pass my exam. ;( I got a 74. Remember, in nursing world 75 is passing. 1 freakin' point... one question... So now I need to score an 80 on my final to pass. It's do-able, but I only have three days to study. I'm am shakin' in my knickers folks. I cant afford to fail. I have to do this. I need to make my grandma proud, she needs to see me graduate because chances are, she might not be around if I have to wait to take the course again. I don't have anyone to blame but myself. But I was feeling good about this, what happened? Well, I'm not a quitter, it's not in my nature. I am gonna get my 80 or better. I am gonna pass. I NEED to. Wish me luck... and keep me and grams in your prayers. ♥