a little here and there

I mentioned before that I just haven't felt like blogging or writing. I've got a lot going on at the moment and it just seems as everything else is rather... insignificant. I guess I'm just gonna go ahead and vent, after all, writing is a means for me to express myself in a one way therapeutic session.

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Remembering the greatest gift God ever gave me...

An Angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth. And whispered as she closed the book "too beautiful for earth."

It gets easier as time goes on, but I'll never forget. Mom and I talked about it the last time she was here. I still remember how excited she was, how excited we all were. I'll never forget that dreadful day, and how I felt; numb, angry, morose... I don't talk about this much openly, I just keep it between me and God. 4 years ago today, and I still remember it clearly.

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Grams

She's not doing any better, in fact... I hate to admit I see her declining more and more. She is down to 80 pounds and is sleeping less and less while the pain is intensifying. The midnight back rubs are also increasing, but they help her sleep. So even if I have to wake up three times a night, I will. She always did say I had "healing hands". That means I am awake more at night. I find myself tired and stressed... and that's 'cause she calls on grandpa more than me. I'm on edge and often battling frustration. I never let her see it, though. I don't ever want her to think she is a burden, because she is not. I just ask God to give me patience, and He does. Some say, "I cant see her like that, It's too painful" or "I'm scared to see her like that"but truth of the matter is that she has been there for everyone of us. Don't you think she is scared? She is a loosing a battle to Cancer. Her own body is killing her, suffocating her. Where are you when she needs you? I'm just disappointed, but I know in my heart I am doing everything I can.

Her body is so frail;

Skin so cold and pale.

Sunken cheeks and eyes;

Scared but never cries.

Every breath is a struggle for air;

For her this burden, I wish to bare.

Overwhelmed by pain;

Chemo still infused through her vein.

This Cancer consuming her is very swift;

Thus every moment is a priceless gift.

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I think I need a vacation... Seriously. I debated on going to visit mom, but I cant help but feel guilty for not being home with grams. I went to a BBQ last night with my girlfriends. It was nice just getting out. I haven't been doing much of that lately. I remember when my life was all about partying. Whoa! Where did those days go? I mean it was less than a year ago. I'm OK with it... it gets a little old. I started going to church on Wednesdays... It's a little different from Sunday service but I really like it. My life seems to be going in a different direction, I actually find peace in that. Anyways, I guess I'm done venting. Not much else going on. School starts back up on Monday. Yay! lol. I signed up for photography. Pretty excited about that. Wish me luck! Oh yeah... I almost forgot... My frog is sick. ;(. Yeah I have a frog. Gross I know. But I started to collect froggies... like stuffed frogs years ago and one day I saw a cute little frog at Wal-mart. But it turned into this 5 inch slime ball that I have grown accustomed to. He was like super fat... now he has lost weight, wont eat or swim. Ugh... I don't like touching slimy things so I gross out even thinking about force feeding him... YUCK! OK that's all lol.