Troy ;:o)

When they say a dog is truly a man's best friend, they aren't kidding. Troy was my not just my best friend, he was my confidant and my baby. He knew my secrets, been with me through many heartaches, he never judged me, loved me unconditionally no matter how I treated him (which was mostly spoiling him), he licked my tears, and turned my frowns upside down. I am so happy I got to have him as my companion for the past 6 years.

Troy passed away October 30, 2010. He had been having seizures the past year and a half but because I was in school and didn't work, I couldn't afford to take him to the vet. Unfortunately we don't have low cost vets in the area. Just recently his seizures started occurring more frequently, He'd have about three to four a day whereas they were just sporadic in the past. I feel responsible, had he had medical care, perhaps he would not have died... but considering the circumstances there was not much I could do. I know I did great as a pet parent regardless. I had spent the night at a friend's house Friday night and when I arrived home at around noon Saturday I found him in my room (he is usually outside during the day). I asked my grandpa why he was inside and he said that Troy had a seizure as soon as he went outside and another one a few minutes later that left him trembling... so grandpa decided to put him in my room so he could rest. I got home and he was so excited to see me. He greeted me with kisses and a wagging tail. He jumped on the bed and sat on my lap. I played with him for a little while and when he tired he rested his head on my chest (I always thought it was his way of hugging me). I took a picture of him... it was his last. I was getting ready to meet my friend to pick up my cell phone charger since I had accidentally left it when I spent the night, then to meet my aunt for lunch. When I arrived I headed straight for my bed since I was still very tired and needed a nap before work. My aunt came into my room, all she said was "Cyn... Not good". Immediately my heart started racing, my first thought was my grandpa was hurt or something of that nature, then she said, "It's Troy". I just knew he had passed. My grandpa found him by the mailbox. Tears filled my eyes and rolled down my cheeks. I went outside to see him. I carried him like a baby as I always did. I couldn't believe it. My heart ached. My 8 year old nephew was outside and said, "it's OK Cyn, he is not suffering anymore... And I love you" In the moment, I heard him but I couldn't react, I couldn't speak. I uttered, "Thank you... And I love you too, baby" My grandpa and cousin dug a hole so that he could have a little burial in the back. And when I was ready, I let him go.

Some people say a dog is just a dog, but I say Troy was a big part of the family. I feel a little empty with out him. He slept with me, followed me everywhere... even to the restroom, and if I attempted to lock him out, he would scratch the door and whimper until I let him in. He would jump in my truck when I was leaving, only to disappoint him when I had to kick him out and tell him to go back. He knew the sound of my engine and waited for me at the drive way as soon as he heard me around the block. He would sit on my lap at the desk, by the kitchen table, and follow me to my dad's who lived down the street. I only have good things to say about him although he was very mischievous... and a biter, but he never bit me so I cant complain :) So good bye my loyal companion and best friend. Wait for me and I will see you at Rainbow bridge.

Life and Lessons

He's been on my mind a lot lately... Marco, that is. I can't believe it has already been four months; time sure flies. I was listening to my iPod when his song came on... The one I said was his song from me. I remember one night he was playing his guitar and I made him hear it and his reaction was "C'mon, that's sooooooo gay" but then he leaned over and kissed my nose and smiled with a little wink ;) (OK so just to set the record straight he was not
Homophobic or anything... It's just an expression) anyways so yeah, the song was kind of soft but coming from a woman (who is a major softy despite the front I put on) expressing feelings for her then boyfriend, the lyrics totally fit. Back to the point, I heard the song and my heart just sank, it brought back a lot of emotions, both positive and negative. I can honestly I have my moments... I miss him (OK, so I know we fought 90% of the time but still... He's gone and I'll never see or hear from him again). I'm not stuck in the past, I've moved on... I moved on before he even passed away, it's just that one can't help but think of those you shared your life with, I just never got closure.

Tiff and I hung out some time last week and she asked what I learned from him; God puts people in our lives for a reason, and there is always a lesson. I'm still trying to figure that out but as dabble in relationships so to speak, I try to learn from my mistakes with Marco. I try not to be so closed off, but like I said, it's a front... A defense mechanism brought on by fear of hurt or disappointment. I know eventually I gotta let it go but when it's the only thing you've known (in terms of men, including my father) it's how you (I mean I) cope. I'm not one to play games but the way I see it, if some one is willing to break down walls then perhaps they just might be worth it. I've yet to meet anyone really willing to do so, I may as well work on that myself... I guess we all have our issues.
★ ✩ ✮ ✯ ✰ ☆ ⋆★ ✩ ✮ ✯ ✰ ☆ ⋆★ ✩ ✮
On another note, I've been keeping very busy with work and focusing on myself... my "inner" self. I have finally found my purpose in life and I couldn't feel more complete. Not only have I accomplished my dream but I've made my family proud and what a great feeling that is. I love what I do and the children make it so much more rewarding. I know there is so much more out there for me but for the moment, I am happy where I am at. I look forward to greater blessings in my life.

Remembering the greatest gift God ever gave me...

August 29, 2005... One of the saddest days of my life but one I will always remember. 5 years to the day and and it is still clear like yesterday. Having my wonderful and supportive mother and my two amazing grandparents by my side to help ease the pain, both physical and emotional, of losing the greatest gift God ever gave me, my little angel, was definitely a blessing. I don't know what I would have done with out them. It gets easier as the years go by but I never forget. My angel always has a special place in my heart and at times there is a void that can not be filled no matter how hard I try. On that day I lost a piece of my soul but I take comfort in knowing that one day that missing piece will complete me. I found a poem online several years ago and on this day I like to read it...

A Lament for My Baby
I never got to hear you laugh
you never saw me cry
didn't get a chance to say "Hello"
you never said "Goodbye"
I didn't think that I could feel
so sad, lost and forlorn.
I never knew God chose his Angels
before some of them were born.
Your life was short yet special
I shared it all exclusively
I felt you breathe, I felt you kick.
You were alive inside of me.
Every baby is an Angel
and every angel is divine
God needed one in heaven
He came down and took mine
And although we are not together
we're not really apart
for you'll always occupy a space
deep within my heart.
Time has begun to ease my pain
It's only some days now I cry.
When I wish I could have said "Hello"
and heard you say "Goodbye"
~Author Unknown
♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

On another note... Work has been going great! I can honestly say I am so blessed and grateful for the many opportunities that have come my way. I started working for a private duty nursing company, we treat chronically ill children and teens. It took a long while to find a job and I was very close to moving to my mom's hometown, I really had nothing holding me back so I was ready to pack up and hope something would come up over there but fortunately this came along. :D. I finally started on my own this week after one week of in office orientation and another week of field orientation. Yesterday was my first day on my own. At the beginning of my shift I'll admit I was a little lost. I didn't know where to begin because during field orientation, I usually arrived about an hour after the start of shift. My patient was mostly stable throughout the shift but she had very congested lungs. Her oxygen saturation was good until I stepped out to wash some syringes and her feeding bag. I wasn't gone long but as soon as I got back she was very tense, turning red, and looked like she was choking. Her O2 level went down to 75 (I think) and her heart rate went up to 230 so the alarms started beeping. My heart was pounding (I think it was more the high pitched alarms that made me nervous). I start to suction her and her secretions are SUPER thick (like glue) so it was hard to get them all, but I managed. As soon as she got stable again I could feel my hands shaking, heart racing, and my knees got weak. I kinda laughed after the fact because it really isn't a big deal, but since I was on my own, not to mention alone (parents weren't home), I was pretty frightened. Besides that, the shift went great after I got the hang of it. Today was similar, I felt nervous at the beginning of the shift, I had a different patient and her parents were really hands on so knowing that they were there eased the anxiety. I know once I've been on my own for a while it will get easier, I don't worry about that. Besides, I know in my heart that this is where I am supposed to be!

Marco II

4 days running on lack of sleep is really catching up to me. I had this crazy notion that if I went to pay my respects the dreams would stop. I cant fall asleep without seeing his face or dreaming of him. Apparently some feel that this is due to guilt. I have no guilt, not really. I decided to go to the cemetery and find him. I went blindly not knowing where to look or where to begin. Coincidentally I stopped at this grave with a similar name, the dates were off. This woman had been visiting and asked if I was lost. Apparently I was, wrong guy. I actually went to get some flowers, a small bunch of red roses... I'm on a budget here being that I am unemployed. I searched and searched. I came across a few new, unmarked graves feeling that he had to be there. A while later a group of young women, roughly my age, showed up but only one got off. I asked if who she was looking for, and apparently we were looking for the same person. She told me her name and that she wasn't sure where his grave was. She was a friend of his, I just introduced myself leaving out the details of how I knew Marco. I decided I'd call the office tomorrow morning and see where exactly he is located so I can pay my respects. I wrote this long letter expressing my emotions... sort of like a last goodbye. I don't expect anyone to understand because I only revealed what I chose to about our relationship. Most of it was rocky as I mentioned before, so unfortunately most of what people heard was the ranting I did and being that I am very private about my relationships, no one knew much about us. Nothing bothers me more than people speculating. Regardless, I have so much I need to say to him, but I'll never get that chance. Things like this take time, I realize that... I guess that is why you're supposed to say whatever it is that you need to when you have the chance; Tomorrow is never guaranteed.

Marco

Seems like everywhere I turn tragedy strikes and I'm seriously needing a break from it. Sorrow definitely does not look good on me. I wish things were like when I was little and most of my days were filled with sunshine and happiness (when it was me, mom, and brother), when I had no care in the world, and my life was surrounded by people I loved. These days my life is still filled with sunshine and happiness, which comes from my strong faith and positivity, however at times they seem to be overshadowed by death of friends and loved ones. I know death is inevitable, but what ever happened to people dying of old age? Within 10 months I lost my grandma, whom I adored, my aunt, who although I was not very close to, I loved nonetheless, and just found out I lost a friend, an ex boyfriend.

I am filled with so many mixed emotions I don't know where to even begin to sort things out. I have feelings of anger, confusion, and sadness all at the same time and yet I still try and think about the good times. I think I've found out more personal facts about his life in death that I did when we were together, which was the past three years off and on. When we first dated he begged me for months for me to be his girlfriend. I would hesitate and he would get so upset and say how he didn't understand women. We want everything and when it is given to us, we just abuse it... We'll I'm not so sure what he meant by all that, I just wasn't ready for a serious relationship. We lived in the moment, we never talked about his childhood or mine for that matter. He didn't know my history and I didn't know his. I think all I knew about his family that his parents were still married and his dad was ill, he had a sister and a brother, all whom he loved very much, and that he'd help out his family a lot. He was a very private man but I thought nothing of it because, I too, am very private. My family never met him, my best friend did and didn't like him... but I think that is just payback for everything I put her boyfriends through... you know, the "third degree". I never met his family either although I recall a time when he wanted to take me to Houston one Easter weekend, but that meant I'd miss out on my family, so I opted not to go. I always broke it off with him because of his lack of communication and insensitivity but always extended my friendship, which was never good enough for him but he always managed to find his way back into my life. He would say we were friends then change it up on me and said he never agreed to friendship and how happy he was to have me back. He was quite manipulative and the fact that I was very trusting didn't help. I finally broke it off for the last time, I couldn't handle the way he dealt with his problems, mostly family problems but he was very vague. He would cut me off completely till he was ready and by that time I was infuriated. Don't get me wrong, I admired his responsibility toward his family... my family is the most important thing to my as well but I couldn't handle the way he'd react to it. He never failed to text me how much he missed and loved me, how he wanted me back, and for me to give him a family, a son named Joaquin, after his favorite uncle (I would just laugh and say no way). My response was always that we just weren't meant to be together and a family was definitely not my priority. I was finishing up my degree and I just wasn't ready. Besides, I wanted it all... The wedding, loving family... happily ever after, you know, the fairy tale and I knew it just wouldn't work out that way for he and I. I've done it before in reverse, and although I thought I was in love with that person, those were some of the unhappiest times in my life, so I felt I deserved perfection... and Marco wouldn't have given that to me either.

Despite all that, there was a lot of good in him. He was very caring when he wasn't closed off. He was always laughing and smiling and had a profound passion for music. He'd play the guitar and sing me his songs and tell me about his dad's band (well, when he used to play when he wasn't sick) and how everyone in his family was into music, his brother, cousins, uncles etc. He was very proud of his brother who had recorded an album (which was pretty good if I say so myself). He loved Counting Crows. He was a big UT fan (Go Longhorns) being that he graduated from there with a degree in design. He loved sports and if he wasn't watching it on TV, he was listening to it on XM radio in his car and at work... now that always pissed me off (that he was sooo into his sports, typical male). I remember this one time when we were just hanging out at his apartment and another time at his house (well, his parent's house, but they lived in Houston so he stayed there too) and he was so into the sports channel I got so upset that he wasn't paying attention to me that I stood up in front of the TV and I yelled at him "Go F**k your TV". It was quite funny now that I think about it, but it got his attention and then I was in a bad mood by then so nothing made me happy. Another time, I was pissed off as usual, he had picked me up and we were driving to his apartment and there were some billboards that we passed, I think they were about God or something, one said, "just get over it, it's not as big as you think" (or something along those lines)... I saw it and couldn't help but want to laugh and I looked at him and said, "Don't you dare say a word" and we just started laughing. He loved to play with my hair and being that my hair is curly, it would frizz up and look like a fro, but he did it anyway. He would caress my face and tell me how beautiful I was. We'd have tickle fights and I would kick him... What? I had to defend myself. lol.

I always saw the best in him, but that's because I trusted too much, and that was all I wanted to see. Even after all the hurt, I could put it aside and see all the good. I put up with a lot, but that is what you do when you care for someone. I felt like I was the last one to know about his passing. He was on my mind so I had text him to make sure he was well. I received a message back asking who I was. I assumed he was being a jerk. I got a text in the morning from his cousin saying that he had passed three weeks ago. I asked if it was a joke, and I didn't think it was very funny at all. She called me and said it was true. I felt numb, sad, hurt, angry, a plethora of emotions I couldn't describe. No, we weren't together anymore but I still cared for him as a friend. He had text me two days before his passing telling me he still loved me and wanted another chance. It started off with small talk but once he said that, I ignored him. I was tired of the games. That was the last thing he ever said to me... And I ignored him. Needless to say I had a sleepless night, all I could see was his face and the memories we shared. I mentioned that I found out some things that I would rather not repeat even though they make me feel more confused than ever and how I will never find the answers that I seek. I started this off with how upset he'd make me and ended it with how happy he'd make me feel. I think everyone deserves some recognition in their life and although I cant say I am happy with some of his choices or lies I had to find out about, I'll end it like that. I think I just needed to find some sort of closure to the rocky relationship we had, even as friends. He was still a good person, I'm just glad I chose to see the good in him. May you rest in peace Marco S.

Time...

They say time flies when you're having fun, or at least when your keeping busy anyway, but when you are stuck at home with nothing to do it seems to drag on . I can seriously hear the second hand on the clock ticking away, what is even more disturbing is hearing the silence between each second. I suppose I could use my time more productively but what's better than sitting on your ass at home watching three straight hours of Grey's Anatomy on Lifetime... OK, I'm just kidding... Seriously! I'd much rather be out chillin' with my friends, but they're at work or school, besides... the auntie left for vacation and I'm here attempting to keep grandpa company so he is not all alone (I don't think I'm doing that great of a job since I've been in my room for the past 2 and half hours watching Grey's). And I suppose I could go out and look for a job but unfortunately it's all done online. That interview I mentioned previously was rescheduled for this coming Monday, and yes... that was a WHOLE two weeks. I'm still very excited and hoping this could be my chance to get my skills to good use, at least until I can get a job at the hospital. I am seriously fiending for some action. OK, so you wanna know how bad it is? I was fiddling with my stethoscope so I decided to listen to my own bowel sounds. Yep... I would take a sip from my drink and listen to it go down. It was the best thing ever and it kept me entertained for about 30 minutes, lol. OK it really wasn't but I was extremely bored lol. What? Don't judge. It was waaaay better than twiddling my thumbs (it really isn't the cure for boredom). I just hope the job market doesn't keep me out of work for much longer, I've been unemployed for the past four years and I am definitely ready to jump into the workforce. Actually I am really ready for my first pay check! lol.

Enough ranting about how bored I am...

This past weekend went very well. My Momma came into town for the holiday/vacation. As usual, spending quality time with her is always the best. They drove down in my step dad's truck so mom doesn't drive it unless absolutely necessary because her back hurts (discectomy and fusion back in Dec.) so I pretty much drove her around town. I joked about driving Ms. Daisy... she didn't find it as amusing as I did. She is still having a hard time dealing about the loss of her sister, which is understandable. All I can do is listen, I mean... what can one say? I just offer her an ear and a shoulder if she needs one. My brother met up with mom and I the first day she was here. It was nice hanging out, just us three, like it was when we were little. Times like these make me appreciate the value of family and unity mother instilled in us. I try to remind my brother of that occasionally. He moved down a couple months ago saying he needed to be here for grandpa and help him out, he rarely spends time with him (or me for that matter) and comes over just to feed his dog. One day he will realize that life is not guaranteed and how valuable one's word can be. But besides that we are very close and will always be "The Three Musketeers", I love my family to pieces. Here we are being goofy... (me, brother, mom)

❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀Update❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀

So I was completely bored out of my mind, so bored that I decided I would go put gas in my truck just to do something. I put gas and decide that I want a Pickadilly (snowcone with pickles and kool-aid powder...MMMmmmm DELICIOSO) Anyhow, the Raspa (snowcone) stand by our house happened to be closed for some unknown reason, I mean seriously??? It's sprinkling outside, people still want their raspas. So I decide to hit up another stand about a mile (maybe less) away... And much to my surprise, THAT STAND TOO WAS CLOSED. WTF!!! ;( I wasn't ready to head back home yet so I decide to drive to a near by city to get my diet coke (I hadn't had my fix today) at Stripes (formerly Circle K); I was just trying to find something to do. So I get my soda, hop back in my truck and it doesn't turn on. Great! JUST FREAKIN' GREAT! Of course, it's just my luck to have vehicular problems. I text my brother (who I am already frustrated with because he said he was gonna go spend time with me and he didn't) and tell him he needs to come rescue me... Always a damsel in distress. He and my SIL get there and get my truck going. She decides to throw the the "L" on the forehead sign (L-O-S-E-R) so I throw her the bird (I know my mom is prolly reading this saying OMG Cynthia... I did not teach you that. lol.) Anyway, to make a long story short I buy the part he thinks is needed, turns out it's the battery. Well, my truck isn't up and running today, but hopefully tomorrow. I am just so thankful I have a brother I can count on when I need rescuing. I hate having to bother my dad, when it is his responsibility... at least till I get married... NOW THAT I THINK OF IT, THAT IS WHY EVERYONE IS TRYING TO GET ME HITCHED...I GUESS I FINALLY FIGURED IT OUT. LOL.

Summer time...

☀☀☀☀☀☀☀☀☀☀☀☀☀☀☀☀☀☀☀☀☀

WOW! What can I say other than that this has been a fabulous summer so far...
and its only half way through. Let's see... this is what has gone down:
1. I graduated in May (YAY!)
2. Visited mom in her home town (very relaxing and enjoyed quality time with mom but was seriously the longest week ever!)
3. Hung out with my girlfriends (OK this is like 5 x a week)
4. Registered and studied ALOT for my state exam
5. Passed my state boards (YES, PEOPLE... I am officially Cyn~Cyn, R.N. =))
6. More time with my girlfriends
7. Applied for work (I have my first interview this coming Thursday, however that may be temporarily delayed due to "ALEX")

So... that's basically it in a nutshell, I left out quite a bit but those were the highlights thus far.

☀☀☀☀☀☀☀☀☀☀☀☀☀☀☀☀☀☀☀☀☀

This weekend was pretty fabulous if I say so myself. Friday night was a girls night, just like the good ol' days with Faith, Erika, and myself. These women are my partners in crime, we can seriously do a lot of damage and tear a town down as quickly as I can say it. I didn't drink too much and I only stayed up till 2 AM since I had plans to head out out to the beach with my girls for the rest of the weekend. That went very well and we managed to have a great time despite the fact that I was on a tight budget. I was really hoping to hit up Parrot Eyes and throw down some Paralyzers (fruity 32 oz. drink with 6 flavors of Malibu. Can you say...YUM!) but we didn't get to. ;( I got sunburned pretty bad, I never learn... And I practically used a whole tube of Neutrogena 70SPF sunscreen with all kinds of protection and it still didn't save me. Oh well...

Here is a pic of the girls and I at SPI (Vanessa is MIA from the pic)



And me with my sunburn! OUCH!

TWO SISTERS AND A FUNERAL

It's never easy letting go. They say time heals all wounds but from personal experience, I'm not really sure it does, it just gives us more time to accept what is and remember all the beautiful memories that were left behind. Today my aunt was laid to rest and aside from realizing I will never see her beautiful eyes and illuminating smile again, my heart aches for my cousin who has lost her mother and best friend. I am at a loss for words and cant seem to find them in my heart to console her. Sometimes the gentlest touch or embrace can mean more to someone than words, that is something I have plenty of. Somber faces wept and hearts ached but as my mother and I drove away we began to embrace the memories my mom shared with her big sister, after all, that is all my mother has left of her. Memories of childhood, teenage drama and the heartbreaks, and the slumber parties they shared recently after she was diagnosed with cancer. Tears flow from her face followed by a chuckle here and there as she remembered the good ole days. As sisters, they had their ups and downs, who doesn't? But ultimately the love of a sister or sibling is so strong that can surpass anything and is like no other,unique in their own way. My cousin is an only child but is far from alone, she has a loving family and the most amazing and supportive friends anyone could ask for. My mother loses a sister and inherits the best gift her sister could leave behind, her beautiful daughter (even though she is grown, a few months older than me to be exact), my brother and I gain a sister. No, mom can never take the place of my beautiful aunt, nor will she try, but the same blood that ran through my aunt runs through mother's veins, so any time her heart aches she can reach out to her family for she always has her place as one of mother's own. We Love you Kimmie. ♥

Just so there is no confusion, Mom and Aunt Jean were not the only two,there were a total of 9 siblings, 5 sisters, 4 brothers.

And on another note... those that follow this blog, as you can tell, I updated the blog to cute owls. They were my aunts favorite, according to my cousin Kim, she said my aunt said they protected her.

Nora Jean

My aunt, Nora Jean, passed away Thursday evening after battling cancer. Actually, it was exactly two months from the day she was diagnosed (03/27/2010 to 05/27/2010). Unfortunately the cancer was caught late and was very aggressive. Her chance for survival was slim even with radiation and chemotherapy, but we all had hope. Sometimes hope and faith are the only thing you have to hang on to; It's what keeps you going. I remember getting the call from mom telling me about my aunt (her sister). I sat in my truck in the hospital parking lot 2 nerves short of an anxiety attack trembling and crying. I wasn't sure I could do this again (I recently lost my grams on my dad's side to cancer 8 months ago) but I knew I had to, for my mom's sake. I had to be there on her behalf when she couldn't because she lives 8 hours away. There was no place else I would have rather been than spending each moment I could with my aunt and my cousin Kimmie. I cant say that my aunt and I were close, but I loved her nonetheless. I knew I had to be there for my cousin; losing a grandmother is different from losing a mother but we were both care takers, so I hope even just the little advice I could offer helped. My heart goes out to my cousin, she was an only child but no matter what, she is not alone. She is lucky to have wonderful friends who have stuck by her and a special someone who is by her side to lift her up when she is down and encourage her.

Mom was on her way the night she passed away, she was a few hours short of seeing her before she took her last breath. I don't know what it is like to lose a sibling but if it was any consolation, I tried to tell her that it was for the best and she has wonderful memories. As difficult as it was, I was able to be there in her final hours. I held her hand and caressed her, I wiped her tears and whispered words of encouragement letting her know she fought courageously and I was proud of her. I told her my mother was on her way and she loved her very much. I would update mom every hour and to check up on her since she was traveling alone and in intense back pain. My cousin Laura and I took a break and went to have some dinner at a near by restaurant when I got a call from my mom telling me she saw the most beautiful rainbow as she was driving, it was sunny out. I arrived back to Kimmie and my aunt's home where I learned she took a turn for the worst while we had been out. I put two and two together and that rainbow was a sign from my aunt to my mom. When she passed away, I didn't have the heart to tell my mom. She knew something was wrong when the calls stopped but was afraid to call us and hear bad news. She pushed through the pain and arrived at my cousin's home at 1:30 AM only to find her sister gone. It was quite an emotional day/evening. It breaks my heart to be unable to console my mother, but I tried as best as I could.

We have had an emotional couple days and the services start tomorrow so I have to be strong for my cousin, mom, and the rest of the family. It is only natural to be selfish and want her here with us but she is in a better place now, a place with no pain and suffering.

“You can shed tears that she is gone,
or you can smile because she has
lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,
or you
can open your eyes and see all she's left.
Your heart can be empty because
you can't see her,
...or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can
turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for
tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her only that she is gone,
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close
your mind,
be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what she'd want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on.”

(Mom (Mary Ann) and Aunt Nora Jean)

(Nora Jean)

Almost there...

With finals over and done with, I am finally working on my preceptorship which involves completing 160 hours, preferably before graduation on May 15th. I am happy to report that I am almost half way done (I hope to finish next Saturday). I have tested my limits and have worked 6 straight days of 12 or 13 hour shifts at the hospital. Never in my life have I ever worked so hard. Two and a half years of nursing school do not quite compare to the past 6 days. My feet began to ache and throb and as the days went on the pain gradually ascended upwards to my hips. I woke up yesterday feeling great, NO PAIN, of course standing for long periods of time your feet will hurt no matter what, but its all part of the job. I get home after a long, exhausting day, pop an Ibuprofen 800 and sleep like a baby. I guess that's what it takes to get rid of 15 years worth of insomnia.

I've always known I wanted to be nurse, and now my dream is finally coming true. My Grams finally got her nurse. It makes me sad she cant be here but I know she is here with me in spirit and is very proud of me. I've encountered a lot of set backs but with strong will and the support and encouragement of my family I overcame them. Work is great (it's actually an internship (NON PAID OF COURSE) LOL)! I get along with the nurses and they are all willing to help me. It is actually quite different from my first year of clinicals where we were taught that nurses eat their young, and they weren't kidding. That all seems to have changed now and I'm beginning to feel like a "REAL" nurse. I know once I take state boards and actually have a job I'm going to feel like the bottom of the food chain but I am OK with that, it's all part of the process. I'm precepting on a medical/surgical floor and have been exposed to so much already. I've seen and learned many things that you don't learn in nursing school. A lot of our patients have cancer and it brings back so many memories of my Grams when she got ill. Ill just take this as a sign and accept it as where I am supposed to be... taking care of patients with cancer. Who knows where I'll end up though, the job market seems pretty bad... EVEN FOR NURSES.

This is our graduating class, and of course that's me... way in the back under the arrow. I think with as much tuition as we pay the school would be able to afford a better quality camera or hire a photographer... unless of course the camera belongs to one of our instructors, then s/he should get a raise so that they can afford a better camera. It was the day of one of our exit exams, Some of my friends and I missed a couple takes because we were doing some last minute studying. Thank God we made it!

I'm scheduled to work this weekend but since it is my birthday on Saturday I was able to rearrange my schedule to work Friday and Monday. Before I started my hours I had so many plans for my birthday, most of which involved a lot of alcohol and of course to out due last year's birthday (Which was THE BOMB, if I say so myself). For now, with trying to complete so many hours in a limited amount of time and feeilng quite exhausted, a nice relaxing evening at home sounds good to me, but I'm sure alcohol will still be involved =). Not exactly ready to hit 29 but ready or not, here it comes.

OFFICIALLY STRESSED

“The greatest barrier to success is the fear of failure.”

I HATE when I start to dwell on my future. I've been through this before and aside from it holding me back, it really gets my nerves on edge and truthfully, its the last thing I need right now. I have a final tomorrow for my Leadership and Managment class. I've studied for it and I feel good about it, but that is the least of my worries. I have approximately one month left of my Med/Surg class before I start preceptorship, which I've already selected my options: ER at the main trauma center near my hometown, or the ER at a local children's hospital... What can I say, I like the rush. Before I can even allow myself to get excited about it much less think about preceptorship I need to get through the course. I have this constant fear that I'm not gonna make it. The way I see it is that this fear can either be beneficial and make me work harder than ever and get through it, or it can really affect my focus. First exam I did great, second exam... not so great. I dont know where I went wrong. I studied my ass off and perhaps I studied too much, but I dont really think that's possible. I walked out of my last exam thinking I Ace'd it, I actually failed it. It stopped me right in my tracks wondering where I went wrong. So I've had two exams, yes, I'm passing but I am not where I want to be. I was really hoping to build myself a little safety net, and unfortunately I dont have that. I had all these great plans for spring break which unfortunately are not gonna happen for me (our next exam is the Monday after spring break... THANK YOU teachers for being an official cock block to all the nursing students). AND LET ME TELL YOU...It's a sacrifice I have NO problem WHATSOEVER submiting to. I know if I leave I wont focus and study so OBVIOUSLY IT'S NOT WORTH IT (for me anyway). I was planning on taking a road trip with one of my besties to H-town... I was totally gonna be a groupie for her hottie baby brother, That's right... I was gonna get my cougar claws on! >^..^< RAWR!!! (Just kidding Missy... a little but not really ;)) but that fell through. So after my exam tomorrow I'm gonna head out to Corpus and come back and hit the books like no body's business. I think I'm gonna take my recorded lectures to listen to them on the way... LAME I know but I gotta fit in some study time any chance I get. Anyhow back to my point... I stress out so much that I know for a fact I hold myself back. That's my fear, not making it out. I think about my future and it frightens me... I just need to get over it, do what I gotta do, and "Git er done"! I'll keep y'all posted. WISH ME LUCK!♣

Playing Catch up

♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫ I fly like paper get high like planes (LOVES the song btw)... That's right ladies and gents, I have been M.I.A. for quite some time now and finally started to feel withdrawals from writing anything besides notes on cardiac, immunology, hepatic... yada, yada, yada. I started school back in January, hopefully finishing this time around but let me tell you it is not as easy as I thought it would be. Although it should be a refresher, some of it has changed... but it's good I guess. Unfortunately, this semester I got stuck with Sunday clinicals, which means I go in on Saturday's for clinical prep which involves hours of paperwork, then Sunday I'm with my patients. I study all week, LITERALLY so there has been very little "Cyn" time. (Don't get me wrong... I still have my "wind down with wine" nights or enjoy a few cocktails here at home) Oh well... Gotta do what I gotta do. So remember this post... OK... definitely not the same. ;( boohoo. I used to just love to stare at him, every word he spoke melted off his tongue like butter, I was captivated. Don't get me wrong his lectures are still the best but, I no longer drool lmao. Ughh.. I miss those days lol.

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Spring break is just around the corner. No Island bar hopping for me or St. Patty's party and green beer at the Dhu and lets not forget no day trips to the beach with my girls either, but that's OK. I'm 95% sure that I'll be visiting my mom in east Texas, I'm a family girl so as much as I like to have fun, I'd rather spend my free time with my mom any chance I get... Besides, I haven't seen her since January and she is still recovering from her surgery. This is definitely a much needed break. I cant wait to pick up my camera and start taking some nature pics, I LOVE THE OUTDOORS! Maybe we can fit in a fishing trip, but we'll see how it goes with mom still in pain.

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On another note...

I got word my little cousin (OK she isn't little anymore, she is 21) was bit by a brown recluse. Can you say OMFG! Let's not forget to mention she is 4 months pregnant. As soon as I heard I had to go make sure she and the baby were fine. In case you all don't know what a brown recluse is... It is one of the three most dangerous spiders (I think) anyways... I wanna say it's worse than the black widow. IDK go look it up for yourself. Well it's bite causes a lot of damage and makes the tissue necrotic. Google it, seriously... those pics are so freakin' gross! i took my camera to get some pics but that's before I knew where was bit. From what I understand had she waited any longer to see a doctor, it could have been fatal. Anyways it bit her about two or three inches from her unmentionables. So this is little cousin... She still looks like a baby to me.

•:*:•Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ •:*:••:*:•Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ •:*:••:*:•Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ •:*:••:*:•Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ •:*:•

OMG I forgot to mention...

Ever heard of that old wive's tale or story that if you see a giant moth, death is near and your supposed to kill it? Well I dont know how true that is but before my grams passed away (she was already in the hosptal) I saw a huge moth that was attracted to the porch light. I think I was on my way to spend the night at the hospital but didnt do anything about it. I remember that story crossing my mind but I didnt beleive it. Well my grammy did pass away. Coincidence or not, I wasn't about to let this happen again. (OMG I just realized to this was before my cousin was admitted to the hospital CREEPY, and she was told if she had waited any longer she could have died) Anyway, So your supposed to kill these huge moths and then burn it or put holy water on it... I just killed it and put it in a plastic bad. I dont know what I'm supposed to do after so Im gonna pour holy water on it then, burn it, or may be I should burn it, then pour the holy water on the ashes cause then it wont burn. Well, I felt really bad for killing it. I was like, "Oh God, please forgive me for killing one of your creatures" lol. I felt so bad. Well here is that huge moth... It was really cute and fat and fuzzy, I think it was laying eggs too 'cause it had like white "egg" looking things coming out of it's tail end. This thing was so HUGE it was like 6 inches long. I know, I am a PETA advocate myself, and I dont really beleive in old wive's tales but, I like I said... I wasnt gonna risk it.

Not ready yet

I've been here for almost three weeks. Mom is progressing day by day and just yesterday she took her first steps with out using a walker. As they say, you don't realize what you have till you lose it and it definitely makes you think twice about taking things for granted. I am aware some people have it worse, but mom is not the kind of woman to sit back and relax, she is always on the go and this surgery has really MADE her slow down. We were having lunch one afternoon when she got a little emotional, she said she thanks God for making her realize she needs to slow down and start taking better care of herself. I am glad she had this realization because like most mothers, she put everyone before herself. I'm so grateful to have had the opportunity to be here with her for this, I know she really needed/wanted me here.

I have one more day left ::sigh.tear:: I'm not ready to leave. We head out Tuesday morning for the long 9 hour drive home. By we, I mean my brother's wife. She is moving back down to the valley while my brother stays and works for a couple more months then makes his way down. I've been fortunate to spend so much time with my mom. It's so hard every time I have to leave. I remember the first time I moved away from home. I only moved three hours away to Corpus Christi but I was ready to spread my wings. My BFF Tiff and I had originally planned to move to Houston, but she fell in love and decided to get married. I was dead set on leaving. Tiff met me at my house and both her and mom saw me off. I tried so hard not to look back but I did. Mom gave the most beautiful card and a CD, "Wide Open Spaces" by the Dixie Chicks. I remember waiting at the check point, there was a long line, probably about an hour's wait, maybe longer. I waited to read the card because I knew it would bring me to tears, and while "Wide open spaces" blared on the speakers, I sat back and opened my card. I wish I still had it; for the life of me I cant remember what happened to it. And so I cried... and cried... and cried. By the time I got to the check point my eyes were red and puffy, my nose was running, and my face was blotchy. I wasn't the least bit concerned that my make up was half off, that I looked like a raccoon with runny mascara, and that the border patrol agent was beyond HOTTT!

It wasn't long before I got home sick. Mom and I always had the best relationship. It was always just us three. We were The Three Musketeers: Mom, brother, and me (even before the divorce, dad was always away). I missed them terribly but it was a part of life. I learned a lot being on my own, I got myself into many situations but mom was always there to help me out. I have the utmost respect for her. She is my rock, and I don't know what I would do without her.

I am blessed to have a wonderful mother and a wonderful relationship with her. I look up to her. Not only is she my mom, she is my confidante, my best friend, the sister I never had, she is EVERYTHING to me. Being here with her when she needed me the most is the least I could do for all that she has done for me. So as I prepare to leave again, I know that she is only a phone call away. I hate to leave before she is completely well, but I know she is in good hands.

Country livin'

I've been out here in the country for a week and it feels like a month. I've left the house maybe three times since I got here but only because I just want to make sure that mom is OK. She is doing a lot better and recovering well. What can I say, I'm a good nurse. lol. Actually, my grandma is here also so there is not much for me to do besides a little cleaning if that.

I love it out here. I love that I have time to meditate, more importantly I cherish the "me" time (and the family time). It's weird how the pace out in the country is so different from the city. Time stands still, minutes seem like hours. It's very peaceful and you can actually take time to appreciate the beauty of it. As beautiful as it is, it has it's downfalls. My allergies and sinuses are acting up out here and my head feels so stuffy, all I wanna do is sleep. Mom takes her medication and takes a nap, I lay on the couch outside her room rolled up in a warm blanket and nap too then wake up feeling hungover because I've slept too much lol.

Mom has been getting around with a walker because her hip is still in a lot of pain. She let her dog out this morning (Troy was too comfortable behind my legs to wanna go out) and Roper, the outside dog, took her into the woods. I woke up to mom calling out to her dog. I didn't sleep much through the night and woke up very groggy to "You better get back here Mitzy". I let her yell for a couple minutes (What? I was sleepy), but as comical as it was, I had to get my lazy ass up and go look for her damn dog. I threw on my jacket and my moms crocks (No I didn't realize how cold it was. It was freezing, literally. Ice covered the ground; every leaf, twig, rock, sprig of grass was covered. The ice crunched as I scuffled through the woods half asleep. My face was so cold I couldn't even feel my nose running and double checked a few times to make sure I didn't have icicles hanging. My hands and feet were tingling too. After about twenty minutes of hollering and no dogs, I turned around and went back home, I figured they went to woods on the left side (I went to the right). I wish I had my camera at the time to capture the beauty of the morning light shining through the branches. The ice sparkled like tiny diamonds. The frost (not snow) thinly covered everything all around me. Perhaps it was because I was still half asleep, but I wanted to twirl around as the light glimmered on my face while the leaves fall down all around me. That only happens in the movies lol, and the cold air stinging my face brought me back to reality. I returned to the warmth and comfort of my home. I wanted to crawl into bed and snuggle with a warm blanket. That didn't happen.

I went into the woods yesterday and took some nice pictures. Just imagine what they would have looked like today. Well, this week is supposed to be extremely cold. I think I heard wind chill was supposed to be like 5 degrees. Maybe We'll actually get snow, that is after all, what I have been waiting for.

Flower/weed

Mushrooms on a log

Wild berries

Happy trails

The light shining through and onto the creek

Sweet dreams

This morning I woke up from the most beautiful yet heart wrenching dream ever. At about 5 am I shuffled over to mom's bed so I could sleep with her (She is recovering from her ACD surgery) because my step dad drove to the valley (my home town) for his brother's wake (he passed away on the 1st). Since he was gone, I wanted to make sure that I could hear her in case she needed anything. I fell into a deep sleep, nope, I couldn't even hear mom when she tried to wake me. I dreamt some random stuff. I saw my cousins outside of my grandma's house, I saw my little cousin Melissa, my gramps, and I wanna say we were all having some pan dulce (sweet bread/pastry). I looked around for my grandma and didn't see her. There is this small little one bedroom house in the back of my grandparents yard where my great-grandmother used to live. I walked over there and there she was. Laying down on her side facing the television, only it was off. She rolled over to me and my heart just melted. I got to see her beautiful face again, to look into her eyes, touch her hands, and kiss her forehead. Her face looked dusky/ashy. She was so frail, a lot thinner than before she passed away. Her eyes sunk and her skin contoured her bones. She asked me to turn the TV on for her and so I did. I asked her why she was out there instead of in the main house, she said that she didn't want to burden anyone and it was easier for the ambulance to get to her (we were using a transport service to get her to her chemo and other appointments in her final weeks). I reassured her it was not a burden and I insisted on taking her inside so I could keep an eye on her. She said OK. For some reason she took her shirt off and her chest was black (She suffered from lung cancer, she wasn't even a smoker). There were markings on her chest, her veins so thin. I was getting ready to carry her out, I held her close to me. It was so beautiful. There was a frame on the wall, and all these wonderful memories played like a slide show on that frame as I held her. What I found funny was that song, KNOCK THREE TIMES ON THE CEILING IF YOU WANT ME, played while I was holding her. I didn't realize the significance to the song till after a while I woke up. Grams used to bang on the wall to get my attention so she wouldn't have to yell. There was a time it used to annoy me but I quickly got over that. It makes me laugh when I think about it, especially now that I dreamt that song. Anyhow... Soon all those memories kinda became the past (it's kinda hard to explain) and I knew that she passed away. I woke up and told my mom about the dream and just started crying. I think I needed that. Ever since grams passed away in September, I hadn't been able to communicate with her. I had a few dreams about her but I couldn't touch her, she was at a distance and I never got to speak to her. But today, I got to touch her, hold her. Maybe she was communicating with me, perhaps it was just my mind and how our brains work in such mysterious ways. Either way, I'm glad it happened. I kind of have piece of mind now, not that I didn't before... just, it's easier. I'm glad I never got to see her as frail as she was in my dream. I hope to see her again in my dreams soon. I really miss her.

Lost in the Wilderness

So I've been M.I.A. lately. I've seriously had thousands of ideas for new blogs only I've been SUPER lazy. If I hadn't updated y'all yet, I was re accepted back into the nursing program (For those that don't know, I should have graduated in October but i failed my last class with a 74 ;( and had to wait out a semester) Hopefully by the end of spring semester I will be Cyn, R.N. The holidays were great. This was the first year in a long time that I was able to spend the Christmas with both parents (not together, they're divorced, but saw them both on the same day) It was nice especially because dad's birthday is on Christmas day even though he gets really grouchy. Mom was kinda out of it when I saw her, she had to pop some pain killers due to her degenerative spine disease in C-5, C-6, and C-7 vertebrae, which has now been corrected with ACD (Anterior Cervical Discectomy surgery. In a nutshell, they removed bone from her right iliac crest (hip bone), an incision was made on her throat to gain access to the anterior (front) of the spine, moved everything aside, inserted the bone fragments into the spine to relieve severe pain and pressure, then fused with a titanium plate. Check out the link to see a quick clip of the procedure (No, that is not mom). The surgery was on Wednesday, mom was released yesterday and is now at home recovering. AMEN!!! I was literally two seconds away from an anxiety attack till we got an update from the doc saying mom was fine and on her way up to recovery. My heart was pounding and skipping beats, my hands were shaking, and I was very nauseated, I hated thinking that something might go wrong but for some reason those thoughts just popped into my head, I'm guessing it's because the last time I was at the hospital, my grammy passed away. I'm not quite sure if she'll be able to move her head back since I didn't get to talk to the doctor (all the arrangements were made with out me here so no body was able to be advocate for mom). She is in a lot of pain but being tough and walking around using a walker.

So while mom recovers and I nurse her back to health, I get to enjoy my mini vacay here at the ranch. I love coming out here. I guess you can say I'm recovering too, I have had a seriously stressful couple of months. I get to enjoy beautiful sunsets, walk the woods (which I haven't taken pictures of yet, but once I do I'll post em), and just be surrounded by my loving family. I especially miss grandpa, I haven't left him since grams passed away but my Aunt Faith is there at home with him. I miss her too! I usually leave Troy (my dog) with grandpa when I go out of town but he had a seizure the day before I left, I decided to take him with me since I was going to be gone for about three weeks. He loves it out here too, he has the freedom to run around, experience new sights, sounds, and smells. The day after mom's surgery my step dad took him out and their dog Roper took him out into the woods and left him. My step dad spent two hours looking for him. Thank God he was found! After Noah, my Maltese, disappeared I was heart broken, I don't know what I would have done if Troy was lost too.

The only thing that sucks about the area is my cell phone doesn't get reception unless I stand in one of a few spots in the house for a long time or we're in town, which is about 15 minutes away. I haven't really talked to "manfriend" much since I've been out here but he understands, and he has got some stuff of his own going on. So I actually kinda opened up to him about my feelings (I didn't exactly say the "L" word) which is completely out of character for me, at the same time I start to wonder if perhaps I said too much. I meant to say what I said, so no regrets. I just often wonder if I'm only fooling myself that we could actually be happy together since things are kind of complicated. AND NO HE IS NOT MARRIED OR WITH ANOTHER WOMAN (At least not that I know of HA! lol JK)! GEEZ! lol.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot it's officially the new year! HAPPY NEW YEAR! I hope everyone had a safe and wonderful celebration. I passed out at 8:30 pm since I only got a couple hours of sleep at the hospital and the recliner was very uncomfortable. So no tequila shots or goblet of wine for me, but there was no where else I'd rather be. I have a couple new year's resolutions I think I wanna try. One of them of course is a healthy life style change. I freakin' say that every year and never go through with it. BUT I REALLY WANNA DO IT! I guess I just really want to re-evaluate my life and see what other changes I need to make. I just really want to be happy! I don't think that is too much to ask for. I think I deserve it.

OK, I guess that's it for now. I'll leave you with some beautiful pics of the ranch! Enjoy!