Sunday, January 3, 2010
This morning I woke up from the most beautiful yet heart wrenching dream ever. At about 5 am I shuffled over to mom's bed so I could sleep with her (She is recovering from her ACD surgery) because my step dad drove to the valley (my home town) for his brother's wake (he passed away on the 1st). Since he was gone, I wanted to make sure that I could hear her in case she needed anything. I fell into a deep sleep, nope, I couldn't even hear mom when she tried to wake me. I dreamt some random stuff. I saw my cousins outside of my grandma's house, I saw my little cousin Melissa, my gramps, and I wanna say we were all having some pan dulce (sweet bread/pastry). I looked around for my grandma and didn't see her. There is this small little one bedroom house in the back of my grandparents yard where my great-grandmother used to live. I walked over there and there she was. Laying down on her side facing the television, only it was off. She rolled over to me and my heart just melted. I got to see her beautiful face again, to look into her eyes, touch her hands, and kiss her forehead. Her face looked dusky/ashy. She was so frail, a lot thinner than before she passed away. Her eyes sunk and her skin contoured her bones. She asked me to turn the TV on for her and so I did. I asked her why she was out there instead of in the main house, she said that she didn't want to burden anyone and it was easier for the ambulance to get to her (we were using a transport service to get her to her chemo and other appointments in her final weeks). I reassured her it was not a burden and I insisted on taking her inside so I could keep an eye on her. She said OK. For some reason she took her shirt off and her chest was black (She suffered from lung cancer, she wasn't even a smoker). There were markings on her chest, her veins so thin. I was getting ready to carry her out, I held her close to me. It was so beautiful. There was a frame on the wall, and all these wonderful memories played like a slide show on that frame as I held her. What I found funny was that song, KNOCK THREE TIMES ON THE CEILING IF YOU WANT ME, played while I was holding her. I didn't realize the significance to the song till after a while I woke up. Grams used to bang on the wall to get my attention so she wouldn't have to yell. There was a time it used to annoy me but I quickly got over that. It makes me laugh when I think about it, especially now that I dreamt that song. Anyhow... Soon all those memories kinda became the past (it's kinda hard to explain) and I knew that she passed away. I woke up and told my mom about the dream and just started crying. I think I needed that. Ever since grams passed away in September, I hadn't been able to communicate with her. I had a few dreams about her but I couldn't touch her, she was at a distance and I never got to speak to her. But today, I got to touch her, hold her. Maybe she was communicating with me, perhaps it was just my mind and how our brains work in such mysterious ways. Either way, I'm glad it happened. I kind of have piece of mind now, not that I didn't before... just, it's easier. I'm glad I never got to see her as frail as she was in my dream. I hope to see her again in my dreams soon. I really miss her.