Long time gone...

So it's been a few months since I've blogged on here, I'd say right about 5 or 6 months. A lot has happened in this short period of time, I guess I can say it's been a whirlwind. As I posted almost a year ago, my grandmother was diagnosed with lung cancer. She has been through chemo twice and has also had radiation. The tumor has shrunk but not enough. Grams is supposed to go through more chemo and PCI (prophylactic cranial irradiation) to prevent the cancer spreading to her brain but it has been postponed. She was recently diagnosed with radiation pneumonia (caused by the radiation not a virus). Through this onset she has dramatically declined in health; she has lost a significant amount of weight (she is down to 93 lbs), SOB (short of breath, not son of a bitch ; P ) and placed on continuous oxygen, practically made her self bed bound because she is so weak. As soon as her health improves and gains some weight she will be able to continue treatment. Grandpa had to get spine surgery a couple weeks ago because of the crazy accident he had with his truck back in the early part of the year (his was checking the oil in his truck while it was on a ramp, somehow it got out of park and nearly ran over him. he ended up with a fractured vertebrae).

Anyhow I've just been home trying my best to take care of them while going to school. I'm finally in my 4th (last) level of Nursing school, so hopefully by Thanksgiving I will be an RN (school has already paid off giving me the proper knowledge to care for them). I find myself tired and occasionally frustrated. Not with my grandparents but with the fact that I cant do more and at the same time, when I can, I don't. I wish I could make the pain go away; I wish they wouldn't have to suffer. But life doesn't work that way unfortunately. At times I get impatient then go through periods of guilt. The guilt comes in because I find myself trying to just get away, to find time to breathe, to find time for ME! I sometimes feel it's selfish on my part however I know I have to keep my sanity. I find myself feeling frustrated with family (Some of my immediate ones, NOT YOU SHEILA lol ,just so you know, but I love you like your my blood). My aunt and my grandfather do the bulk of caring for my grams, I step in when I'm not at school or getting a breather. I get frustrated with my own father, who can do more for his parents yet doesn't, my cousin who lives next door who can help grandpa out with some outside duties but doesn't leave his house unless he has to work (ok, ok he'll drop by like once in a blue moon), my other cousins who work, although have plenty of time to spare hardly come to visit but do bring an occasional dish to feed my grandparents (yes, I am appreciative for that). My grandparents are the pillars of my family, with out them, we would fall. They go beyond their way to help everyone, yet when time came that my grandparents need them, they are no where around unless they are asked to come (for the most part). Sometimes I feel that everyone feels this is my responsibility since I live with them, or my aunt's cause she is their only daughter, or my grandfather, cause he is her husband. All I am trying to get at is this should be total family participation. At the same time, I take pride in caring for them, I promised them when I was a child, that I would be a nurse and I would take care of them when they were sick... Funny how that happened. I suppose the events that led me here all happened for a reason.
Despite my frustrations, I wouldn't have it any other way. I love them. Well that's all for now, I hope to keep posting.

On a side note, still trying to find "the one"...I've dated more bad apples than I can count, my heart was set on one but despite my feelings for him, perhaps we are just in two different places in life. Oh well, I guess a man isn't in my cards just yet... Patience is a virtue