Blessings

♥Last week started off on the wrong foot. We received the results from gram's CT-Scan. The news was not good. We found out that while grams was trying to recover from pneumonia, the cancer spread to her lymph nodes and liver. The prognosis isn't good, I'll just leave it at that. While I'm finding ways to channel my frustrations and grief, I understand I have a lot on my plate right now and that can not be my main/only focus. At first she just gave in, said she didn't want to suffer and enjoy what little time she has left. I guess she felt defeated. Grams is pretty scared, I mean, who wouldn't be. So she changed her mind. She kinda played the blame game as to why we didn't "force" her to go to Houston sooner, we encouraged her but she said she was just too tired and weak, and that the doctors here would take care of her (they didn't). We tried getting her in at MD Anderson but they wouldn't accept her because she is too weak to walk and cant sit for 8 hours. Fuck... I cant sit for 1, that makes no sense. My grandma's friend from Nebraska mentioned sending her to Mayo in Phoenix. My aunt looked it up, sounds like a plan, however, no matter what because the cancer "mets", she will be on clinical trials. So she looked up doctors from all over the world involved in clinical trials. We found one a couple hours from home. So hopefully we'll get that rolling soon. Taking part of this opportunity is a blessing in it self. YAY... She is not ready to give up just yet.

♥On a better note, my great-grandmother celebrated her 100th birthday on Friday, well that was the day of the party, her actual birthday was on Saturday. It was great! Family I hadn't seen in years were there, Mariachis played, the Mayor of the city honored her with a plaque and made July 25th Anita S. Day.... WOW!!! Unfortunately, I had class so I was only able to make it for an hour or so. I love my Nana SOOOO MUCH and an truly blessed to have had her for so long. (In the Pic... My Nana and her two surviving children, my maternal grandfather (Grandpa Greg and his sister, Tia Pola)

C-A-N-C-E-R

COUGH.

You have a cold.

Or is it allergies?

Could be TB?

Oh its nothing...

Take more meds.

X-rays.

Spot on lung.

Dr. says it's nothing.

X-rays. X-rays. X-rays.

Oh it's just scarring.

But She's not getting better.

CT-Scans.

It's definitely something.

CANCER.

FEAR.

She asks...

Are you sure?

Will it hurt?

Will I live?

I'm scared.

How do I deal?

What can I do to make her better?

She has to beat this!

I cant see my life without her.

At least no yet.

ANGER.

No anger.

It just is.

She is calm.

We are calm-

For her.

She will fight this.

We will fight this.

Just have faith.

Trust in GOD.

BARGAINING.

She never asked why.

But I did

I've never seen her cry.

But I did

Dear God...

It's me again...

Why her?

I need her.

You cant do this.

I promise...

If you'll...

Just make it go away.

The Pain

The tumor

The cough

DEPRESSION.

Pneumonia.

Stop Chemo.

Stop Radiation.

It's not going away.

IV drips at home.

Needles.

Antibiotics.

Bolus fluids.

Oxygen.

Still no treatment.

Still not getting any better.

CT-Scan.

Bad news.

It spread.

How long?

NO!

I'm scared.

She is scared.

We are scared.

I cry.

She says stop.

I cant focus.

I cant think.

My grades are slipping.

You need to fight harder.

I need to do it for her.

She changed her mind.

She is scared.

She's not ready.

Houston?

Phoenix?

Just go.

ACCEPTANCE.

Not ready to quit

To stop fighting

But I know no matter what

Everything Will be OK.

Determination = Success

"Never let your head hang down. Never give up and sit down and grieve. Find
another way. And don't pray when it rains if you don't pray when the sun
shines"

♥ I'm back! And Guess what that means? Yes my Darlings, It's true, I passed my exam... A week of no sleep, power naps on my Med/Surg book hoping to absorb the info via osmosis (Just kidding, but I did doze off on that 20 lb. book more than I would have liked, and btw, my book is still under my pillow), Oh, and I think that osmosis thing did work because when I did manage to get a wink of sleep, all I could dream of was the liver, kidneys, gallbladder, pancreas, ERCP, EGD's, and colonoscopys. Those 7 hour study groups definitely paid off. I know this shit like the back of my hands. C'mon, I dare you to challenge me!

♥ OK, so I didn't Ace the exam but I was close. At least I can say that I tried my best. Sure I made STUPID mistakes but it happens. Either way, I am pleased with the end result. Actually, I am pleased with my determination, but it didn't start off that way...

♥ As I mentioned in a previous post I let some distractions get in the way of my focus and my grade definitely showed it. I had a MAJOR reality check and I needed to get my ass in gear. I hardly ate, I didn't sleep, my nerves were on edge. I was so determined to study, study, study, that I didn't give myself a break. That in itself blocked my concentration, oh yeah and the ADD. By Friday, I wasn't absorbing anything anymore. I didn't have enough strength to even listen to the last lecture (And yes it was my favorite teacher). I went to go drink with my aunt Friday after study group. I returned for my 7 hour sessions Saturday and Sunday and I didn't study anymore at home. Sunday I fell apart. I left my study group trembling. I had my favorite combo, wine and cigarettes. My heart raced, my body flushed, and the tears poured. I was so scared that despite the hard work, I would let myself down. Too much rested on my shoulders and I was starting to scare myself, but I guess that's what I needed. My friend suggested we go have a drink but her license was expired so we had to leave, It's OK their vodka and diet coke sucks, and I didn't wanna spend my money there anyway. She then suggested some retail therapy. I thought of a great idea to motivate myself and keep positive, I was gonna buy something for my future apartment, BECAUSE I'M GONNA GRADUATE! But I didn't like anything. So then I was like, I know... I'm gonna wear my red lipstick to class because I get sassier and I figured it might give me some more confidence, but I forgot it ;(. I had also bought some "Smarties". You know... those tiny little sweet-n-tangy candy rolls. I got the idea from Maddie, my high school teacher (who btw... is a Nurse and one of my mentors) who used to give them to us before our exams. I thought it was a cute gesture and I wanted to share that with my classmates. Guess what? I forgot those too. Was all this a terrible omen? Apparently not!

♥ Fortunately... I kept repeating my affirmations (Remember this post...) and despite the struggle and the occasional bouts of insecurity, I remained determined. I mentioned that the pastor writes his sermons for me, Right? J/K not really, but they always seems to fit. He mentioned if you say something long enough, you start to believe it, and it will happen. That's why I have my affirmations (and GOD) and I intend to keep them, 'cause they keep me positive.

♥ So as the quote states above I didn't feel sorry for myself (the tears were those of frustration not pity), I didn't raise my white flag and surrender. I found the way to conquer what was holding me back and with God and my HUGE support system behind me, I prevailed. My study group is the best, I couldnt have done it with out them... We just kept saying:

♥ WE CAN DO IT!
♥ WE CAN DO IT!
♥ WE CAN DO IT!

And so we did...

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

So now that all that is over atleast untill tomorrow, I can rest. I got home today, as tired as I was, and I spent time with grams. I just crawled in bed with her like the old days. She was in some pain so I rubbed her back and massaged her feet. She saw me closing my eyes (I could barely keep them open) so she patted me like she did when I was little, and I fell asleep. She has lost more weight, down to 90 pounds... not good. She has an appointment to get her results from her CT scan. I've been praying it's some good news. Also... her hair has grown almost to what it was before she lost it all. She now goes to her appointments with out her wig, a scarf, or a hat. 8-D. I was browsing through my pics and I found this one I took of my grams before she was sick. I have neglected my family, my friends (Tiff & Missy I MISS YOU), my fish, and TROY...OK, OK, and myself, but its gotta be like that for a couple more weeks, just hang on in there with me.

NO MORE F'N AROUND!!!

This is it y'all. Only three weeks left of class time before the HESI and NCLEX and as I posted before, I am at my worst. I have lost sight of my aim as that is soooo unlike me. I have distractions left and right from home to .... well, everywhere. I got my mid-term grade and I am not at all pleased with myself. I made the ultimate decision to drop everything and everyone around me (yes... even my grandparents) and solely focus on my studies. I am doing this for them so I can make them proud. I am doing this for MYSELF to make MY DREAMS COME TRUE.

So... What does this mean? This means I wont be posting any blogs up unless it's about how STOKED I am for ROCKIN' my next exams (AND I WILL!) I know, I know... How will all my fans (Ummm. All 2 of you, lol) live a day without me? You'll survive. Keep me in your hearts and prayers.

I have prepared my affirmations (OK we had a mandatory meeting after class, the lady said I need affirmations, a mantra, and some exercise, lol guess it cant hurt, Right...? So a few of them are...
♥I am an intelligent woman
♥I will be an RN
♥I can overcome any obstacle
♥I WILL PASS MY EXAMS
♥I am brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous
♥I love myself unconditionally

(OK so I borrowed some from the handout they gave us and my favorite quote... SO WHAT! It's gonna get the job done!

Wish me luck
XOXO CYN

"We grow great by dreams.
All big men are dreamers.
They see things in the soft haze of a spring day or in the red fire of a long winter's evening. Some of us let these great dreams die, but others nourish and protect them;
Nurse them through bad days till they bring them to the sunshine and light which comes always to those whose sincerely hope that their dreams will come true."
Woodrow Wilson.

When it rains, it pours

♥ These last few days have not been going all too well. Before I go into the negative, I'd like to at least highlight the positive... Mom came into town for her vacation, luckily she was able to make it to a family member's funeral (mom's cousin or something). I always cherish the time we spend together because I don't get to see her as often as I'd like. What I don't like is sharing her with everyone (I am very territorial of my mother). She arrived on Wednesday but I had a crap load of paperwork to do before my clinicals the next day so I didn't get to see her. Basically I spent as much time with her as I could before she left even though I needed to do some serious cramming for my exam (today). We went swimming, shopping, dining, and just hung out. It was great! I miss her already ; (. I went to Sunday service with Missy. We hadn't gone in like two months or longer; just laziness and not making the effort to go. I think it's funny how the "word" always seems to apply.

♥ Now the negative... I made an ass out of myself Friday night. I wont go into the specifics on that lets just say "Blame it on the A-A-A-A-A-A Alcohol", lol. I knew what I was doing I guess... so no excuses. I was gone all weekend because, as I mentioned, mom was in town. That meant that grandpa was here at home all day long, by himself with grams. So, I just felt I got the "you're leaving again" look, not only that, I tried studying a little before class during the week and I wouldn't get out of my cave of a room 'till I had to get ready for school, which starts at noon on most days, and so I'd get the "Damn you're just waking up" disgusted look since I was still in my pajamas. One of my fish died on Saturday, I had it for three years. I felt guilty because I didn't make it a proper burial. I flushed it down the toilet and just said, "(Sigh)... Oh well". We went to have lunch after Sunday service, I sat down and decided to move the chair by the wall cause Missy was sitting there but on the opposite side (I hate not having someone sit in front of me). Anyhow, I placed my purse on the seat. This server (not ours) dropped a salad bowl all over my purse and didn't even say sorry until she saw a disgruntled look on my face. Missy heard our server say "Now there's a free meal". I guess he thought I was gonna throw a bitch fit. She came back like five minutes later saying oh I'm sorry. I thought to myself, "A little late don't you think?" but I kept my remarks to myself. I told Missy, Gee, I guess I don't need a to go box since there is already food in my purse. She sees me wiping the lettuce and vinaigrette dressing off my purse so she brings me a wipey. OK, this is like a Clorox wipe and it will probably ruin the leather. I guess it was a nice gesture. Then I asked our waiter for a little extra Alfredo sauce for my pasta because it was pretty dry. He brings it and spills it in my drink. NO, I didn't make a big deal, about any of it. And no, I didn't get a free meal or a discount. Imagine if I hadn't moved from that seat, I would have had salad all over my new blouse. So I go to my study group and I cant focus. ADD is on full force. I try to absorb as much as I can. Well, I failed my test today. and the previous exam as well. I am so disappointed with myself. I don't know what is going on with me these days. The members of my study group were so excited that they passed since some failed the last one. Oh, Cyn, did you pass? How did you do? OMG, I passed YAY!, did you? Nope not me. This is so unlike me. I don't know what I am doing wrong. I was happy for them, but we are midway through the final semester and I am FAILING (Not drastically, but when I don't do as well as I expect, I spazz out). I hurried out of the building feeling defeated while trying to fight off the tears of shame and disappointment.

♥ On the flip side, I am not one to give up. I can only try my best and have faith in myself that I will rise above what brings me down. So I'm gonna take a nap, and hit the books. I am gonna block out all the distractions and just focus on my studies. My friends are all concerned 'cause I turned off my phone, OK guys, I'm not on suicide watch. lol. I just needed a moment to regain my composure. I swear I had like 15 missed calls and three times the text messages. Cyn... I know your there... ANSWER UR FUCKIN' PHONE!...HEY... Where are you?... why aren't you answering?...are you ok? Well, I'm glad I have such a fabulous support system who believe in me and care. RJ is such a sweetheart. I texted him to tell him the bad news and he says "Focus more on your studies and not on me (That's too cute)...Look, I wont talk to you as much if I'm being a distraction". So I'm like "no silly, it's not you, I'm just... I don't know exactly what's going on." I called mom back too, I text her as soon as I found out my grade. She was like, "what's going on? This isn't you. So you had a crappy day?" Um, yeah. Enough said...

Tick, Tock

Oh NO! My biological clock is ticking. Good news is, I have a sperm donor in California, a future husband in Austin, and apparently my dear friend (who is also ticking away) is pimping out my uterus ('cause I'd make cute babies jk, but I'm sure I would ;)) and since she wants one too, I think I'm gonna auction hers off on EBAY. so no matter what, I got a couple back ups. Oh, and if your interested, layaway may be available upon completion of my education. just kidding. Of course I want it the old fashioned way, but if all else fails I have options lol. Unfortunately, this all started because mostly everyone around me has kids or is pregnant. My best friend has the most adorable baby boy in the world. Every time I see him I think my uterus starts seizing reminding me that I am getting old and my eggs are dying. Just kidding. Just look at him! I fall in love every time I see him.
My main goal was to have a steady career so I wouldn't have to struggle when I do have a family. Since I am so close to having my career I am ready for the next step, or am I? I am, but at the same time I find it strange that as I get older a part of me seems to enjoy my life (with out having kids or having to answer to a husband), I guess I can be a little selfish, OK, OK a lot selfish, but what's wrong in having fun and enjoying life? I know, though, I will always feel incomplete with out kids. There has been a time when I was ready, however, not financially. I was pregnant but unfortunately for whatever reason, I lost it. I was heading into my second trimester. I look back and it hardly seems real any more. I took it really hard, but I see now that it was for the best and I don't feel bad for thinking that. My time will come. Patience is a virtue. And besides, I can love on little "Goosey" all I want until I get my very own...

Reflections...

Three months left until graduation. All I can say is... WOW! Aside of being so proud of myself, I sometimes wonder if things didn't turn out the way they did, would I be where I am at today? As long as I can remember my dream was to become a nurse (eventually a doctor but baby steps Cyn, baby steps).

A couple years ago I fell madly in love with someone who I thought was my soul mate. We settled down together and made us a little love shack. Life was a struggle in every aspect, especially financially. I stopped going to school because we couldn't afford it. I knew I'd eventually go back, I just didn't know when. One thing led to another and after a couple years, we realized it just wasn't meant to be and threw in the towel. I packed my clothes, my desk (and computer), and my dogs and drove the somber three hour drive home. I was completely lost. I didn't know how to be "me" instead of "us".

I quickly picked myself up and marched on. I enrolled back in school to pursue my dream. I found myself again and I relished the single life (And STILL DO) because once its gone, its gone. Also because relationships make it difficult to focus. I took my pre-reqs and I remember applying for the nursing program (I also managed to earn two degrees, well associates, but degrees nonetheless). The expectations/requirements were high and I doubted myself and didn't think I would qualify. Despite my apprehensions I applied and I started my transition to earn my Bachelors in Biology just in case I didn't get in. That summer, I got my letter of ACCEPTANCE into the nursing program. Not bad I must say. I remember anticipating the letter. When it finally came I couldn't open it. My hands were shaking. THIS WAS IT. I opened it and the tears just flowed. I called everyone: my mom, my best friend, my close friends, my brother, EVERYONE! My cup overflowed with joy. That was almost three years ago. And here I stand... three months left until graduation.

This has been a great experience despite the lack of sleep, ehhh... somewhat of a disturbance in my social life (but not too much ; )) and family life, but it all was worth it. I'm not there yet, but I've been reflecting on everything that got me to this point. There are only 4 1/2 weeks left of actual class time, then we take our HESI if I pass the class, then passing the HESI leads me to my preceptorship. I am so close I can taste it. Nothing can stop me but myself, and I will be damned if that happens. And so what I was getting at... If I hadn't gone through all that I have where would I be? A struggling wife trying to make the best of what we had, a single mother trying to care for my child? I'll never know, but what I do know to be true is that everything happens for a reason. I am glad they did, and I'll never ask why.

I've made plans to move to San Antonio once I am done with school so I can pursue my education and work (obviously). I said the only thing that can keep me here is my grandmother, and by the looks of it, seems like I am not going anywhere (JUST YET). I cant leave her in her condition. I cant leave grandpa to be at home alone to care for her even though my aunt comes just about every day. I don't know... I'll see what is in store for me. AND I CANT WAIT! :D