Friday, June 13, 2008
So I am driving home today, for Father's Day weekend. And while I dont have this storybook relationship with my dad, ya know the daddy's little princess one, I still try, sometimes I try so hard that I dont think it's worth it. Actually I should probably driving home to my mom's who was always there for me, who was the daddy when mine wasnt, which was most of the time. I guess there is still a lot of resentment that I have ignored over the years. Let's not fool myself... Actually I miss my grams, and my dogs. Since I dont have kids, my dogs sorta fill my maternal gap. I baby them, talk to them, feed them, bathe them, and while dogs are no where comparable to kids, they are mine and I miss them. As you can see I avoid any talking about my dad and I try to detour every chance I get. So lets stick to the subject. Dads. I have a hard time finding father's day cards because the words never really say what I feel, and I wouldnt even consider making one becuase I dont even know where to begin about how I feel. Dont get me wrong, I love my dad, there was a point where I didnt, but as an adult I have learned to forgive, I am working on trying to forget, but that can be hard. We have a weird relationship, our quality time consists of me going to his house sitting on the couch and starring at his huge hdtv pretending I am actually interested. We dont talk, we stare and when he says things I cant understand cause he's sa mumbler, I pretend like I understand and nod and say "yeah" and "oh" untill he stares at me weird and knows I'm not paying attention. I'm not complaining, this is as good as its gonna get, and I can accept that. I know, I know, at least I have a father and some people dont and would give anything to spend one more minute with theirs. There was a point in my life when things started changing. I was gonna have a baby and he would call me every day to check up on me. That was so weird. My dad actually showed emotion for once in his life. Of course do to the circumstances, that ended, when well you know, happened. Things just turned around and went back to the way they were. I'm ok with that I guess, I mean do I really have a choice? He's a "grandpa" by the way. When he remarried his wife's daughter was pregnant and well now the boy is three, and he is a great kid by all means, but sometimes it's just gets hard to accept. My family knows I have issues, major ones, but I get by living my life for me and I know that one day I may have a family of my own. I have realized that in every relationship I compare them to my dad. I need someone who is not my father, no where near him, but somehow in their own little way, they are just like my dad. I have yet to find one who isnt. I make this realization and I turn around and run like hell and never look back. I dont let myself by happy. This whole relationship with my dad has totally changed me. I have commitment issues and at the same time I have abandonment issues (ok, so he didnt just up and leave, but he was never around), followed by trust issues and so on. I know one day, I will meet someone who is not like him and will be a great dad, the dad that mine wanst. So I will go home and put on a happy face, and celebrate father's day. I admire all those father's who were there for their children, football games, volley ball games, and so on. I admire those who take responsibility for their children and love them, and read them bed time stories, and tuck them in at night. So happy father's day to them and to mothers who struggle and take on the role of both parents. Happy father's day!