Walmart Mayhem

After dropping off my maternal grandfather his Father's Day goodie basket, I decided to go to Walmart for a few things like dog food, some frijoles for tomorrows festivities, and an ice cream cake. Well I pretty much figured out I was S.O.L. on the ice cream cake which meant I needed to run by H.E.B. to get one. I didn't know what I was in for. I decided to take my sweet time browsing through the isles, put some stuff back, you know… the whole buyer's remorse bit, then pile more things in. I decide that I am finally ready and besides, if I forgot something, I could get it at H.E.B. By this time I was already frustrated and about to go ballistic with one of my anxiety attacks when I saw the lines. OH MY FREAKIN… yeah, the lines were long, too freakin' long. I start sweating profusely because I can't stand crowds, I can't stand to hear a the noise pollution caused by griping couples, screaming children, annoying people on their stupid Nextel walkie-talkie phones, and so on. Does management not anticipate the rush before the holiday? They need to get a clue because this happens every time, there were perhaps only 6 open lanes in the whole walmart not including cosmetics, jewelry, and garden. Uh, Hello! Do they think I actually have almost 2 hours to stand in line? Well I don't. And even if I did I wouldn't use my time standing in a line. I debated leaving but then the very thought having to do it all over again tomorrow made me cringe, and my dogs needed the food, although I'm pretty sure they would have definitely enjoyed brisket for the day. I try to keep it cool and not lash out at anyone and I start chatting with the lady behind me… "This is so ridiculous, they need to open more registers" she agrees and then states "why are we like the only walmart that does not have a self check out isle", I reply, "cause this is Alamo". She giggles and answers her phone call. I make it out finally and am regretting the fact that I need to go pick up the cake. H.E.B. is not that bad. I run in and run out. I get the cake. Whew! I make it home. And here I am. I survived walmart mayhem.

Father's Day

So I am driving home today, for Father's Day weekend. And while I dont have this storybook relationship with my dad, ya know the daddy's little princess one, I still try, sometimes I try so hard that I dont think it's worth it. Actually I should probably driving home to my mom's who was always there for me, who was the daddy when mine wasnt, which was most of the time. I guess there is still a lot of resentment that I have ignored over the years. Let's not fool myself... Actually I miss my grams, and my dogs. Since I dont have kids, my dogs sorta fill my maternal gap. I baby them, talk to them, feed them, bathe them, and while dogs are no where comparable to kids, they are mine and I miss them. As you can see I avoid any talking about my dad and I try to detour every chance I get. So lets stick to the subject. Dads. I have a hard time finding father's day cards because the words never really say what I feel, and I wouldnt even consider making one becuase I dont even know where to begin about how I feel. Dont get me wrong, I love my dad, there was a point where I didnt, but as an adult I have learned to forgive, I am working on trying to forget, but that can be hard. We have a weird relationship, our quality time consists of me going to his house sitting on the couch and starring at his huge hdtv pretending I am actually interested. We dont talk, we stare and when he says things I cant understand cause he's sa mumbler, I pretend like I understand and nod and say "yeah" and "oh" untill he stares at me weird and knows I'm not paying attention. I'm not complaining, this is as good as its gonna get, and I can accept that. I know, I know, at least I have a father and some people dont and would give anything to spend one more minute with theirs. There was a point in my life when things started changing. I was gonna have a baby and he would call me every day to check up on me. That was so weird. My dad actually showed emotion for once in his life. Of course do to the circumstances, that ended, when well you know, happened. Things just turned around and went back to the way they were. I'm ok with that I guess, I mean do I really have a choice? He's a "grandpa" by the way. When he remarried his wife's daughter was pregnant and well now the boy is three, and he is a great kid by all means, but sometimes it's just gets hard to accept. My family knows I have issues, major ones, but I get by living my life for me and I know that one day I may have a family of my own. I have realized that in every relationship I compare them to my dad. I need someone who is not my father, no where near him, but somehow in their own little way, they are just like my dad. I have yet to find one who isnt. I make this realization and I turn around and run like hell and never look back. I dont let myself by happy. This whole relationship with my dad has totally changed me. I have commitment issues and at the same time I have abandonment issues (ok, so he didnt just up and leave, but he was never around), followed by trust issues and so on. I know one day, I will meet someone who is not like him and will be a great dad, the dad that mine wanst. So I will go home and put on a happy face, and celebrate father's day. I admire all those father's who were there for their children, football games, volley ball games, and so on. I admire those who take responsibility for their children and love them, and read them bed time stories, and tuck them in at night. So happy father's day to them and to mothers who struggle and take on the role of both parents. Happy father's day!

Philosophy

"Philosophy: falling in love doesn’t begin with falling in love with others; it begins with falling in love with ourselves. Loving ourselves is healthy and as god intended. Learn to deeply and fully cherish your heart, your soul and your body and only then will you understand what it is to truly love another."

Coming to terms with imperfection is by all means the greatest gift; the gift of self actualization. I’ve spent a long time trying to hide my imperfections and perfect them, but I realize that imperfection can be beautiful. Who is anyone to judge that, judge me? I am only who I let you see, but there is much more beneath my skin that certain people would rather ignore or try to find out. I am tired of feeling insecure and second guessing myself. I am tired of running away from what makes me happy for fear of being left first. After all, it sort of makes sense. I guess that’s why everyone does it; leave before they leave you, that way its not your heart that gets broken. My insecurities have definitely left me feeling half empty, and I must retrain myself to believe that I can be loved and let myself be loved. This means I must love myself first, not that I don’t, but I must admit that I, alone bring myself down.

The Nanny Diaries

So If I haven't already mentioned, I am watching my cousins kids for the summer. I had an awesome day planned for us beginning with Cole Park. This is just a huge park located on the ocean front. It's cool, really, it's got a skate park for Dom and Devyn, and a nice play area for Miah, a cool pier, and a track that I should definitely take advantage of. Sheila sent me a text this morning that there was a shooting out there. OMG! There goes my fun plan. Well I'm pretty sure it wasn't at the park but down the ocean front which stretches for several miles. I was also gonna take the kids to the humane society so we could selflessly donate our time and walk a few abandoned animals, but Miah's got some allergies. I'll see if I can find her allergy meds so that way we could go. I think this would be a great experience for them and teach them about animal advocacy. Before you go there, No, I'm not one of those people picketing outside of KFC, but I do believe that all animals have rights too. If all else fails, there's the pool, the kids have a blast there regardless, and we don't even have to leave.



So I'm not home sick yet or anything but I am missing my babies dearly. I'm not sure if they will last all summer cause they have separation anxiety. The last time I left them they stopped eating and got very sick.. The pic is of Devyn (Sheila's baby), Noah my Maltese and Troy my Chi-Pom, and yes he's a savage beast, hence the muzzle)



Well I guess I'm done blabbing for now, let me get back to the kiddos.

Peace!
XOXO
CYN

First Blog

Ok well let me start of by introducing myself... So, my name is Cyn, I like to think I'm funny, but that's cause that's what everyone tells me. Actually, I'm just silly and I do silly things to entertain myself because I get really bored with ordinary people and also cause I have self diagnosed myself with ADD, no, not ADHD cause well as you can see, I've got a few pounds I could spare to loose, and well back to ADD cause I cant focus as you can probably see. As a student nurse I tend to self diagnose myself cause I think I know it all and well I have turned myself into a hypochondriac because of this. I'm also a real life bobble head, this is because I cant focus long enough to actually pay attention. As most people, I have the gift of selective hearing only I tend to overuse it; I pretend to listen, I tune in and out of conversations because my mind races at the speed of light and I am constantly thinking of useless bullshit, and I nod like a bobble head to make you think I am actually paying attention sometimes I actually throw in an "Uh uh" or "yea" here and there to make it more believable. This always gets me in trouble as you might imagine but only with those who are smart enough to catch on.

So I've been blogging for a while only I do it on myspace so I might just import some of my blogs that I think are worth reading.

Umm lets see... I am out of school for the summer. I had a hard time finding a job cause I think I'm overqualified for most of the jobs that are available in my area. So instead of waiting around for a shitty job to come up, I decided to babysit for my cousin and his wife, Sheila (I would like to take this opportunity to thank Sheangel for introducing me to the wonderful world of google blog). They have three wonderful children (they are actually the best behaved kids I've ever met!) They literally take care of themselves, I think I'm just around cause I know CPR, lol... just kidding Sheila! Anyhow, the reason I decided to move in with Sheila 3 hours away from home is because, I used to live here before I split with one of my ex's (this one was the potential husband that wasn't) almost 2 years ago. This was home for the past 7 years and I miss it and my old friends. Well I guess I will sign off for now!

Peace!
XOXO
CYN