Gone but not forgotten

It's been a long and exhausting week. Grams passed away Friday September 11, 2009. She fought a courageous battle with cancer but God had other plans for her and called her to his kingdom. Grams was admitted to the hospital Tuesday night for severe pain, but we never expected she wouldn't make it out. I feel lost without her but I am at peace knowing she no longer suffers. I couldn't sleep Thursday, Friday, or Saturday. My heart felt empty and inconsolable. The service was beautiful. Grams looked so peaceful. Her wish was to have a closed casket because she didn't want anyone to see how thin she was, when grandpa went in to see her before everyone else at the funeral home, he was in awe at how beautiful she looked and made the decision to keep it open. I am glad he did. I got the courage to write a few words about my grandma to share with everyone. It was one of the most difficult things I ever had to do. My friend offered to help me read it because I didn't think I'd be able to and when the time came to go up, I looked around and she wasn't there. I debated staying quiet and not going up since no one knew about it but I knew in my heart I would regret it if I didn't. I broke down a couple times but I made it through. I don't remember much other than the shaking and crying and being consoled by my grandmother's friend. It was beautiful, I received many compliments, I just spoke the truth. Grams touched many lives; What a beautiful person she was. After I said the eulogy, a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I slept well and felt at peace. Monday was the funeral, I didn't cry much I just teared here and there mostly because of how proud I am of her and the legacy she left behind. I consoled my family, especially my grandpa. I cant get used to not having her here. I miss her so much. I devoted a lot of time caring for her alongside grandpa. I know she was proud of me and loved me so much, she always told me so. So as a new chapter in my life begins, I'll try to gather the pieces of my heart knowing life will never be the same. The sun will still rise, the birds will still sing, and life will go on, that's what she would want.

UPDATED**** 99 Problems and a man ain't one...

No, I'm not going to list all my 99 problems... thank you very much! I don't have the time (nor do you) or the attention span to list all the meaningless bullsh*t that goes on. And... a man definitely ain't one, OK... well sort of... Marco's fighting his way back into the pic but he still ain't my man.

School started back up. It's going good so far. My photography class seems awesome!!! Only there's a problem... My instructor wants me to buy a camera that's like... worth a grand. OMG! Are you FREAKIN' kidding me??? The camera costs more than the damn class itself. Look Mister... I am a college student who doesn't work. I don't work because I am (although taking a semester off) a nursing student, and working is frowned upon because it shows your lack of commitment to the program. It's all about sacrifices and if I have to starve because I don't work... so be it! Anyhow... back to "What part of broke ass student" don't you get? And as fun as this new "hobby" maybe, there is no way in hell I can afford to get a DSLR Cannon or Nikon.
I found this one... But its worth like $1300... It's a beauty... I think lol. It has all the specs he is looking for.

So I shopped around for a mediocre one... It's a Sony... And it will work

AND GUESS WHAT??? It's only $700. ONLY!!! Are you freakin' kidding me? I'm still using my computer that I bought in 2001 'cause I cant afford a new one and I'm supposed to spend $700 on a camera? OMG! God help me! But this one's it... I think I seriously need to hurry up and get that Flirty Girl Fitness Video and start learning some moves 'cause by the sounds of it... my ass needs to hit the pole and ASAP!!!, lol. Next time you hear T-Pain singin' I'm in luv wit a stripper... think of me! I picked out my name already (you'll have to come see me to find out) and a couple songs (Benny Benassi "Satisfaction", Peaches "F*%K the Pain away") to dance to... So to avoid this... All pride aside, I'm humbly asking for donations to afford my camera (not really... but now that I think about it, it's not exactly a bad idea). I don't think my family appreciates the art of pole dancing in the buff.

I borrowed my friend Missy's Camera. It's just a point and shoot and barely acceptable. He said it will "suffice" 'till I can get a new camera... and that my work will definitely show. Ummm. OK! So this is what I borrowed 'cause he laughed at my poor little HP camera. Seriously... He laughed. Only the lens is scratched. And yes... I know... my work will show it.

Moving on... Grams finally got some pain meds... Awesome!!! She is resting more and we are resting more... I still have insomnia but at least I get a little rest. And my addiction to diet coke (I only add vodka on Fridays and Saturdays) is definitely not helping... I drink it so late that it's contributing to the insomnia. Ugh... and that caffeine free diet coke just doesn't do the job. :-/

Lastly... Yes, I mentioned my on again off again bf is trying to weasel his way back. That's all I'm gonna say about it. I'll figure it out as I go.

♥♥♥♥♥♥

Facing my Fears...

I just faced my biggest fear. I guess I just thought if I didn't... it would just go away. I was giving grams her daily massage and I just got the courage to grab my stethoscope and just listen. I avoided it for over a year. When I went to chemo with her three weeks ago, the nurses were more than helpful. I talked to them and told them how I was in nursing school. They encouraged me to go into the field of oncology. I've thought about it, especially when I had the opportunity to go to Vannie E. Cook Children's oncology and hematology. That was a wonderful experience, but we'll see. The charge nurse explained everything to me. She showed me how to calculate chemo dosages and basically explained everything she was doing. They were very helpful and my grandmother thinks they are wonderful nurses; they are! The charge nurse assessed my grams and asked "do you listen to her lungs at home? It's a great learning experience." I know it is but I just couldn't do it. I said that I didn't want to, and she looked at me awkwardly, she said I could use her stethoscope to listen. I just nodded my head, choked up, and had to leave the room. I was avoiding reality. Like I said... If I didn't listen, it wouldn't be there. That obviously isn't how life works. So I placed my stethoscope on her back, and just listened. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. She has 24% hydropneumothorax, I expected to hear crackles and I didn't, I'm not sure what I heard but I wanna say it was pleural friction. Guess I gotta work on that. I'm glad I got the courage to finally do this. Now I have a baseline for future assessments, I'll be able to know when she is getting better or worse. Anyhow I'm now watching The Green Mile on Bravo. Makes me wish John Coffee was real But my faith in God is real and whether or not this cancer goes away, I leave it in his hands. She has two more weeks of chemo and then another CT scan. We'll see how this treatment is going. Keep her in your prayers.