Change

Untitled... I live by two mottos; live life with no regrets and never wonder "what if". This year I've encountered many set backs and have experienced many emotions which have helped mold me into the woman I am. Although life can be trying at times, there are lessons to be learned, now whether we or not we are able to admit we aren't always right is another thing. I like to think that I am always... Ok mostly, open to the idea of seeing things differently.  I'd say about 75% of my actions/decisions are planned out.  I meticulously plan out my goals and while there is always room for error,  I usually have back up plans. I do my research and I seek advice, mostly from my knowledgable and supportive mother. And then there is that 25%  where I allow myself to be Care free  (although i wish i allowed myself more room to do so, i am an adult... And with that comes certain responsibilities)...And that is when I tend to stumble. I am not perfect, nor will I ever try to be. I embrace my resilient nature  and that I do not get discouraged easily, If anything, I welcome any challenge. Sometimes it takes me a couple tries to get it right, then there are times where i have yet to be successful. The Taurus in me brings out the stubbornness and somewhat selfishness, so at times I pursue things that aren't necessarily in my best interest. Don't you just hate when your id gives into your ego? So even if the results of my actions are not in my favor, at least I can say I made an attempt. I don't ever want to find myself at a point in my life wishing I should have done something I never had the courage to do. Indeed, there are things I would have like to have done differently, but those are just lessons that make us stronger. 
So I found this unpublished blog I had started before Matthew was born... I think it was dated April 22, 2011. After reading and reflecting on my perspective before I was a parent and how I see things now, I realize that while I was 29 when I wrote that, I had no clue about being a real adult with real responsibilities. I don't think your really an adult until your responsible for someone other than yourself. Sure, you're grown, live on your own, make your own decisions, pay your own bills, and can do whatever the hell you want... Once you become responsible for someone else your whole perspective changes. As mentioned in that unpublished blog, I lived on the edge 25% of the time... Ok maybe it was a little more than that now that I look back... But that's ok... I can say I've lived. Now I can say I live for my son... And that gives me the utmost satisfaction. I live, breathe, and sleep Matthew; he is my reason for being. It's difficult as hell, for any parent, single or not. By no means am I complaining because I do have my parents help, but as a responsible parent, you now have choices to make that not only affect you, but your child as well. Needless to say, 100% of my actions are now planned out. There is no room selfishness and screw ups. My life is so different now, but I love every minute of it.