Change is of the essence

My life has dramatically changed with in the last three months. Never did I imagine I'd have a second chance at motherhood... I just assumed since I lost my angel five years ago due to complications in my pregnancy and other health issues, it just wasn't going to happen. While this came as a very unexpected surprise, I was overjoyed... and fearful, shocked, terrified, along with a plethora of other emotions, and still am. I don't think it's hit me yet. I've seen my sweet pea jump and kick, seen his or her heart beat, even heard it. It was very hard for me to express any feelings towards this little miracle because I was so scared... scared to get attached, scared to fall in love, all to be disappointed again. While my faith is unshakable, I couldn't help but feel scared. I'd freak out with any cramp, or feeling of not "feeling pregnant" (Seriously though, how can you really feel pregnant before you can feel the baby move or when ou have no symptoms like nausea?) It's all just a vicious cycle of mind games. Nonetheless, I am very happy. I made the decision to move with my mom for the time being... well until I get my own place. It feels great to be around such supportive people... Let me tell you, not everyone was. I suppose you could say I hurt some, disappointed others, but I have to be strong and live for me, well for us now.
I couldn't imagine living in the country, I knew I'd eventually come back, I just never thought this soon. Don't get me wrong, I love it out here, the scenery is breathtaking but the country life is gonna take some time to adjust to. It's not all that bad, it's actually quite laid back and veeeerrrryyyyy slow. My mom thinks it's the perfect place to raise a child, I suppose a child can be raised anywhere but home is where the heart is, and my mother and unborn child are definitely my "heart"... So this is home now. I've been "home" for a week thus far. It feels like a lazy vacation, so surreal I'm still living out of suitcases and storage bins lol. I reckon (like my country twang?) it's time to give in to change and start settlin' in. I feel that moving out here was the best decision although I was slight hesitant. No body forced me, I made the decision all on my own while my mom visited for Christmas break. Perhaps it was all the emotions or hormones I was experiencing but the moment I told my mother goodbye, I said "not for long, I'm coming home". I don't think she could believe what I had just said... well I'm here. Due to the high risk nature of my current pregnancy, I just felt I needed my mother more than anyone.
I gave my notice at work and put in a transfer. The main office is about 2 or more hours away (I think) so I'm just waiting to get settled in so I can start working, hopefully (the company needs to find me a patient). Leaving was the hard part. I'm gonna miss my family and friends, but most of all my grandfather. He is my strength and the only man who has never let me down. Leaving my patient was just as hard, I sure am going to miss that little fire cracker. I LOVE my job, but it doesn't allow me to socialize with other nurses since we are "private duty" and only one nurse per shift, I think maybe somewhere more public might be the best choice since I don't know anyone around here except for family and I kinda burned bridges with the only other person I knew... that was a big loss for me, but the choices we make really do affect others. Lesson learned, maybe one day I can make things right again.
So I've been off work for two weeks now... Whoa! What a vacation it has been. Like I said I am adjusting well and spending time with my mother is indescribable. She started a quilt for the baby today. We went to town and stopped by the quilting shop to look at some fabric. Considering we don't know the gender of the baby yet we, I mean she, tried to go with some unisex patterns besides the typical yellow, purple, and green. I think it turned out beautiful, all that's left is the back, that "spongy" stuff that goes in the middle (I suppose I should learn the vocabulary since I'm going to be the next American quilter lol), and to put it all together. I even bought a piece to make my own... for the baby that is, I hope it turns out nice.
Lastly, I started a baby journal. I went all out and bought a really nice journal with blank sheets inside and some really cute scrap booking stickers. I figured this would help me express myself since I was having such a hard time in that department considering all the insecurities I had regarding my pregnancy. It really has helped me and being with my mom has made things easier for me. Mothers sure are angels without wings... mine definitely is!

Troy ;:o)

When they say a dog is truly a man's best friend, they aren't kidding. Troy was my not just my best friend, he was my confidant and my baby. He knew my secrets, been with me through many heartaches, he never judged me, loved me unconditionally no matter how I treated him (which was mostly spoiling him), he licked my tears, and turned my frowns upside down. I am so happy I got to have him as my companion for the past 6 years.

Troy passed away October 30, 2010. He had been having seizures the past year and a half but because I was in school and didn't work, I couldn't afford to take him to the vet. Unfortunately we don't have low cost vets in the area. Just recently his seizures started occurring more frequently, He'd have about three to four a day whereas they were just sporadic in the past. I feel responsible, had he had medical care, perhaps he would not have died... but considering the circumstances there was not much I could do. I know I did great as a pet parent regardless. I had spent the night at a friend's house Friday night and when I arrived home at around noon Saturday I found him in my room (he is usually outside during the day). I asked my grandpa why he was inside and he said that Troy had a seizure as soon as he went outside and another one a few minutes later that left him trembling... so grandpa decided to put him in my room so he could rest. I got home and he was so excited to see me. He greeted me with kisses and a wagging tail. He jumped on the bed and sat on my lap. I played with him for a little while and when he tired he rested his head on my chest (I always thought it was his way of hugging me). I took a picture of him... it was his last. I was getting ready to meet my friend to pick up my cell phone charger since I had accidentally left it when I spent the night, then to meet my aunt for lunch. When I arrived I headed straight for my bed since I was still very tired and needed a nap before work. My aunt came into my room, all she said was "Cyn... Not good". Immediately my heart started racing, my first thought was my grandpa was hurt or something of that nature, then she said, "It's Troy". I just knew he had passed. My grandpa found him by the mailbox. Tears filled my eyes and rolled down my cheeks. I went outside to see him. I carried him like a baby as I always did. I couldn't believe it. My heart ached. My 8 year old nephew was outside and said, "it's OK Cyn, he is not suffering anymore... And I love you" In the moment, I heard him but I couldn't react, I couldn't speak. I uttered, "Thank you... And I love you too, baby" My grandpa and cousin dug a hole so that he could have a little burial in the back. And when I was ready, I let him go.

Some people say a dog is just a dog, but I say Troy was a big part of the family. I feel a little empty with out him. He slept with me, followed me everywhere... even to the restroom, and if I attempted to lock him out, he would scratch the door and whimper until I let him in. He would jump in my truck when I was leaving, only to disappoint him when I had to kick him out and tell him to go back. He knew the sound of my engine and waited for me at the drive way as soon as he heard me around the block. He would sit on my lap at the desk, by the kitchen table, and follow me to my dad's who lived down the street. I only have good things to say about him although he was very mischievous... and a biter, but he never bit me so I cant complain :) So good bye my loyal companion and best friend. Wait for me and I will see you at Rainbow bridge.

Life and Lessons

He's been on my mind a lot lately... Marco, that is. I can't believe it has already been four months; time sure flies. I was listening to my iPod when his song came on... The one I said was his song from me. I remember one night he was playing his guitar and I made him hear it and his reaction was "C'mon, that's sooooooo gay" but then he leaned over and kissed my nose and smiled with a little wink ;) (OK so just to set the record straight he was not
Homophobic or anything... It's just an expression) anyways so yeah, the song was kind of soft but coming from a woman (who is a major softy despite the front I put on) expressing feelings for her then boyfriend, the lyrics totally fit. Back to the point, I heard the song and my heart just sank, it brought back a lot of emotions, both positive and negative. I can honestly I have my moments... I miss him (OK, so I know we fought 90% of the time but still... He's gone and I'll never see or hear from him again). I'm not stuck in the past, I've moved on... I moved on before he even passed away, it's just that one can't help but think of those you shared your life with, I just never got closure.

Tiff and I hung out some time last week and she asked what I learned from him; God puts people in our lives for a reason, and there is always a lesson. I'm still trying to figure that out but as dabble in relationships so to speak, I try to learn from my mistakes with Marco. I try not to be so closed off, but like I said, it's a front... A defense mechanism brought on by fear of hurt or disappointment. I know eventually I gotta let it go but when it's the only thing you've known (in terms of men, including my father) it's how you (I mean I) cope. I'm not one to play games but the way I see it, if some one is willing to break down walls then perhaps they just might be worth it. I've yet to meet anyone really willing to do so, I may as well work on that myself... I guess we all have our issues.
★ ✩ ✮ ✯ ✰ ☆ ⋆★ ✩ ✮ ✯ ✰ ☆ ⋆★ ✩ ✮
On another note, I've been keeping very busy with work and focusing on myself... my "inner" self. I have finally found my purpose in life and I couldn't feel more complete. Not only have I accomplished my dream but I've made my family proud and what a great feeling that is. I love what I do and the children make it so much more rewarding. I know there is so much more out there for me but for the moment, I am happy where I am at. I look forward to greater blessings in my life.