Things are Looking up

For the past two months I've been moping around feeling sorry for myself because my only friend in town is my mom and I miss my friends and family back home, but truth of the matter is, life is what you make of it. Yes, I complain day after day that I am bored, but I suppose that is what I choose. I have family in town, but I CHOOSE not to spend time with them. If I'm bored and I need a breather, I can drive around and familiarize myself with the area, but I CHOOSE not too because my truck is a gas guzzler and with my savings at a dangerous low and gas prices as they are I CHOOSE not to be wasteful. My friends are only a phone call away and yet, I CHOOSE not to call (mostly because it's hard and I miss them like crazy and these pregnancy hormones do not help). It isn't as bad as I make it for myself, well, it doesn't have to be... that, or I'm really getting used to it here. I've come to realize that perhaps I wasn't ready for this place just yet, it's very slow paced and I feel completely out of my element, but that is the beauty of this place at the same time. I loved this place when I lived back home, I came here to see my mom and to escape the hustle and bustle of my life, and now I have it all the time. Why am I complaining? I guess I just had a lot of soul searching to do... I cant say I wont complain of boredom, but there is so much more to be grateful for.
On another note, Spring break came and went. It was no different than any other day. I guess my days of partying just might be over lol. I guess that is not such a big sacrifice since I've had about 11 years post high school to get all that out of my system. We went into town a couple times, I finally had some sushi (cooked rolls of course) and I had my Starbucks fix (it wasn't as great as I expected). We went to Austin to visit my step brothers and their families... nope, no partying down 6th St. I was the first one to call it a night. I also bought my first pair of maternity pants and needless to say, I wasn't in such a cheerful mood.
I had follow up with the doctor and the baby is doing fine. Unfortunately, because I have to see a specialist, I will have to wait another month to see him and God willing, we will learn the baby's sex. I started recognizing the baby's kicks about two and half weeks ago. I felt him or her before, but I always second guessed myself thinking it was gas or something. But I know for sure now. Apparently this baby is going to be like me, a night owl. I tend to feel more of the movements at night which tells me it's awake. According to my baby calendar, babies start to form a sleeping pattern by now. Uh oh, this means I'm gonna have some loooong nights. Hopefully that changes soon. One thing that is really starting to annoy the crap out of me is night time. It takes me a good twenty to thirty minutes to get comfortable and when I finally do, I have to pee. Then it starts all over again, I toss and turn until I get comfy, then I have to pee. I find myself asking this baby, Really??? Are you freakin' kidding me? And yes... then it kicks me in the bladder, on purpose. My mom asked me if it is finally starting to feel real... It really hasn't hit me yet. I hear the heart beat and I now feel the movements, and I'm starting to feel excited, but it really isn't real to me yet. Mom goes crazy when we go into stores and she sees all the baby stuff... I still feel like I'm shopping for a baby shower gift.
Speaking of baby showers... I'm starting to get ideas for mine but it's all so complicated and I am so indecisive... perhaps it will get easier when we know the gender. I have this question... or dilemma regarding baby shower centerpieces. I've asked several friends but I get different answers. What I really wanna know is, how do you keep guests from taking centerpieces that can be used by the mom to be? I've seem some cute diaper cakes that would make nice centerpieces, obviously the diapers can be reused and so can the items on them. Maybe it's just a RGV thing, but people take all that stuff... I have no idea why? I don't like to take them, I mean a lot of them are cute but it's clutter and chances are they just collect dust in the corner. I thought that's why we gave party favors. We had a nursing reception for school and people even took the live flowers... REALLY??? I was mortified, even the teachers. So do you just let them take the usable centerpieces, or do you politely tell them no? Do you put notes on the table that say, "please do not take centerpieces"? Maybe I'll just get cheap centerpieces that are cute and if they must have one, they can take it. Seriously though, people fight for them. They rush to tables with centerpieces and claim them. LOL. I went to this one shower that had rental centerpieces, and people actually tried to sneak out with them. OMG!
I was starting to worry about having this baby and my financial status... it's pretty hard with out a job. Fortunately, I haven't made any purchases for this baby yet. The job market is just as bad as the one in the RGV. It literally took me three months to find a job back home after graduation. New nurses graduate for many schools Valley wide and there aren't enough positions. During my preceptorship at the hospital, nurses were cancelled every day, every shift because the census was low and because of over staffing. It didn't help there were many nurses on work visas. It's hard for many of the nurses not to get upset about that, but being that they have work visas, they have every right to work. When I arrived here, I thought the market would be better. I placed many online job applications but truth of the matter is, because the community is so small, they prefer it all be done in person. I guess they aren't as "high tech" yet. I decided to take matters into my own hands, so I fueled up and drove around looking for work. I went to the hospitals with no luck. One of them about half an hour away, all they said was they had absolutely no positions open. WOW. I had been calling a local/statewide home health for some time, and I even went in person to leave my resume but the director was in another office about 45 minutes away. She finally called me back, and I got my interview... AND I GOT A JOB! Finally, one less thing I have to stress about. I also had an interview with the local nursing home, but I'm not to sure how I feel about working there. The liability is high in regards to patient/nurse ratio and it's every other weekend. I can work weekends with the home health if I choose. I don't think I'll take that job even though the pay is good. I'M JUST THANKFUL I FINALLY FOUND A JOB!

Change is of the essence

My life has dramatically changed with in the last three months. Never did I imagine I'd have a second chance at motherhood... I just assumed since I lost my angel five years ago due to complications in my pregnancy and other health issues, it just wasn't going to happen. While this came as a very unexpected surprise, I was overjoyed... and fearful, shocked, terrified, along with a plethora of other emotions, and still am. I don't think it's hit me yet. I've seen my sweet pea jump and kick, seen his or her heart beat, even heard it. It was very hard for me to express any feelings towards this little miracle because I was so scared... scared to get attached, scared to fall in love, all to be disappointed again. While my faith is unshakable, I couldn't help but feel scared. I'd freak out with any cramp, or feeling of not "feeling pregnant" (Seriously though, how can you really feel pregnant before you can feel the baby move or when ou have no symptoms like nausea?) It's all just a vicious cycle of mind games. Nonetheless, I am very happy. I made the decision to move with my mom for the time being... well until I get my own place. It feels great to be around such supportive people... Let me tell you, not everyone was. I suppose you could say I hurt some, disappointed others, but I have to be strong and live for me, well for us now.
I couldn't imagine living in the country, I knew I'd eventually come back, I just never thought this soon. Don't get me wrong, I love it out here, the scenery is breathtaking but the country life is gonna take some time to adjust to. It's not all that bad, it's actually quite laid back and veeeerrrryyyyy slow. My mom thinks it's the perfect place to raise a child, I suppose a child can be raised anywhere but home is where the heart is, and my mother and unborn child are definitely my "heart"... So this is home now. I've been "home" for a week thus far. It feels like a lazy vacation, so surreal I'm still living out of suitcases and storage bins lol. I reckon (like my country twang?) it's time to give in to change and start settlin' in. I feel that moving out here was the best decision although I was slight hesitant. No body forced me, I made the decision all on my own while my mom visited for Christmas break. Perhaps it was all the emotions or hormones I was experiencing but the moment I told my mother goodbye, I said "not for long, I'm coming home". I don't think she could believe what I had just said... well I'm here. Due to the high risk nature of my current pregnancy, I just felt I needed my mother more than anyone.
I gave my notice at work and put in a transfer. The main office is about 2 or more hours away (I think) so I'm just waiting to get settled in so I can start working, hopefully (the company needs to find me a patient). Leaving was the hard part. I'm gonna miss my family and friends, but most of all my grandfather. He is my strength and the only man who has never let me down. Leaving my patient was just as hard, I sure am going to miss that little fire cracker. I LOVE my job, but it doesn't allow me to socialize with other nurses since we are "private duty" and only one nurse per shift, I think maybe somewhere more public might be the best choice since I don't know anyone around here except for family and I kinda burned bridges with the only other person I knew... that was a big loss for me, but the choices we make really do affect others. Lesson learned, maybe one day I can make things right again.
So I've been off work for two weeks now... Whoa! What a vacation it has been. Like I said I am adjusting well and spending time with my mother is indescribable. She started a quilt for the baby today. We went to town and stopped by the quilting shop to look at some fabric. Considering we don't know the gender of the baby yet we, I mean she, tried to go with some unisex patterns besides the typical yellow, purple, and green. I think it turned out beautiful, all that's left is the back, that "spongy" stuff that goes in the middle (I suppose I should learn the vocabulary since I'm going to be the next American quilter lol), and to put it all together. I even bought a piece to make my own... for the baby that is, I hope it turns out nice.
Lastly, I started a baby journal. I went all out and bought a really nice journal with blank sheets inside and some really cute scrap booking stickers. I figured this would help me express myself since I was having such a hard time in that department considering all the insecurities I had regarding my pregnancy. It really has helped me and being with my mom has made things easier for me. Mothers sure are angels without wings... mine definitely is!