So much, so soon

I should be sleeping at almost 1 am since I've had a rather exhausting day but silly me I decided to drink some ice cold tea and well, I'm caffeine sensitive :-/. My son is down for his "nap". I guess they're all naps since they don't last more than three hours. It wont be long before he wakes so I may as well stay awake.
This week has been quite difficult... it seems as if Matthew is growing ever so rapidly and it makes me kinda sad. Of course I want him to grow, but I also want him to stay little forever... And well, I know he will always be my baby boy, I just wish it happened gradually... He is growing so fast, so soon. First he finally outgrows size newborn diapers a few days ago. My 5lb 13oz little bundle of joy is now my 8.5 lbs bundle of joy... I still wanna squeeze him into a tiny newborn diaper lol... but then we have a poopy situation... yes, he will poop out of them = NO BUENO! Then I try at size 0-3 onsie... AND IT FITS... a tad big, but it fits. Yes he still fits in newborn clothing (some tighter than others, so we'll just have to get rid of those) but this also means he fits into the next size. I guess I shouldn't complain, some babies don't even fit in newborn sizes and I got to enjoy mine for almost two months (he might even fit in some of them after... we'll see :))Today he drank 4 ounces of formula (does this mean another growth spurt?)... I'm not sure his tummy could handle it but 3-3.5 ounces was not filling him up. He was literally shoving his fists in his mouth cause he was STARVING... so he made it seem. In 13 days he will be 2 months old which means 10 months and 13 days till his first birthday... It's gonna fly by so quick. Yesterday he was able to lift himself off the bed... grabbing on to my mom's fingers of course... I know it's a milestone but like any mother would think... "My child is a genius" lol. He is talking and smiling a lot more when he isn't fussing... it's so adorable.
So much has happened so quick that it breaks my heart to go back to work on Monday, but unfortunately, I have to ;( not only financially, but I think for my own sanity. Don't get me wrong, I adore my son and would rather stay home, but I need adult time too and almost two months thus far of tummy troubles and constant crying really takes a toll on you physically, it just wears you out. I think my fear is that I am going to miss out on something that I wouldn't if I stayed at home... but again, I don't have that privilege. I took him yesterday to meet the sitter. She is an old lady and comes highly recommended. Apparently she's raised a few kids in town. She seems kinda physically slow, but then again she's old... what am I supposed to expect, right? She takes care of one other child, soon to be two years old. I hope she adjusts to Matthew cause her momma wont wanna deal with me if my son comes home with bites lol. When I arrived the TV stayed on the cooking channel the whole time. Granted Paula Dean is fun to watch (and you'll get a bonus clogged artery at the same time just for watching) I kinda expected for cartoons to be on (not that I expect cartoons to baby sit the kid). I guess the kid has a good imagination since the old lady is a channel hoarder. One thing I didn't necessarily like was that she was telling me about the little girls lunch... She said that day she was being particularly picky and pointed to jello, so she gave her jello... then she pointed to marshmallows so she gave her that... ate a few bites of macaroni and I don't know what else. Ummm, Sorry but that doesn't seem like a balanced much less healthy meal. I sure hope that's not what she feeds my son when he is able to eat solids. Another thing... She said she wasn't as "strict" as she used to be. I asked her how many naps the little girl takes through out the day and she replied... "I just don't think it's that big of a deal anymore... if she wants to nap, she naps, if she doesn't, she doesn't". OK... I've only been a mom for a second but I kinda know that kids need structure... and that includes naps. Don't get me wrong... I like the lady, she seems nice and it sure as hell beats putting Matthew in day care, so for now, it will work. It's been a while since she has taken care of an infant but she says she loves them... I just hope mine doesn't scare her lol. I'm actually scared to leave him... I don't think anyone can care for him like I can (or my mom) but I suppose that's every mother. Since Matthew has been sick from his tummy since he was born, he is quite needy... I just hope both she and the little girl adjust... Matthew too for that matter, I don't think she will cater to his every cry like we do.
I mentioned in a previous post about diapers... I change my mind... I still prefer Pampers Swaddlers over Pampers baby dry... They are much softer and I think they keep the skin drier, but that is just my opinion, they still work pretty good. Just in case anyone wanted to know lol.
Well, It's that time again... Feeding time or changing time... Let's go find out

Welcome to Motherhood

It's been a while since my last post... Why you ask? Cause I've been freakin' tired, that's why lol. It's actually getting better but it has definitely been an experience. Being that I have friends and family members with babies on the way I'd like to share my experience thus far... Now don't get me wrong, every pregnancy and every baby is different and I was one of the not so lucky ones who got both ends rough. We all know my pregnancy was full of complications, the birth of my son was complicated (not too complicated but very far from what I had in mind), and as if it's not difficult enough to be a single mother, my son came with his share of complications. Let me give you a run down...
Week 1:
I arrived home from the hospital with out any pain killers to get me through the day/evening trying to recuperate from a c-section. Because I live in a cheap-ass town (OK it really isn't "cheap-ass" but that is how I felt when I was in pain and our local HEB pharmacy along with all the other pharmacies closed at 4pm or earlier). Because we live in the country, our roads are bumpy and when your uterus has just been sliced open and your skin is held together with a strip of glue (That's right, no stitches or staples), it literally feels like you're going to bust open. From day 2, Matthew had tummy trouble. He screamed for hours off the top of his lungs and to make matters worse I had such a hard time getting in and out of bed because of the pain... Remember, I had NO pain killers, and I'm sure there are some tough chicks out there who can do it with out pain pills, but I NEEDED them. My son went home eating less than 10 mL of formula, therefore he wanted to eat every 2 hours or less. He has gradually made his way up and is now eating every 2.5-4 hours. I tried having him sleep in the bassinet but that didn't work. I finally got my pain killers and it still didn't help, but you gotta get over it 'cause you have a whole new person you're responsible for. THANK GOD FOR MY MOM!
Weeks 1-3 were all pretty much the same. Matthew cried for hours, day in and day out. His tummy was hard and distended, he would scream when he had to pass gas or have a bowel movement... and as we would later find out, he is allergic to milk protein and soy, making him very gassy, thus causing him to scream ALL THE TIME. He was inconsolable, I rocked him, sang to him, bounced him, cradled him, caressed him, and NOTHING worked. We tried chamomile, salvia, warm olive oil on his belly, Karo syrup, gas drops, gripe water, warm tummy compresses, spent over $150.00 in bottles trying to find the right one (Dr. Brown's, Avent, Playtex Nurser etc... we finally stopped with Playtex VentAire)... you name it, we tried it and no relief. I tried breast feeding but since I hardly lactated, I tried using a pump and between both breasts I would get less than 10 mLs... That wasn't even enough to feed him. I was exhausted and frustrated and I knew my baby could feel it. My mom would come help, all he needed was a change of arms. All I wanted to do was console my child and I couldn't. I started to feel like he preferred my mother over me (I realized later that the baby could sense my frustration, my being tense made him more tense, but of course he loves his Grammy). I started to feel inadequate, I couldn't lactate, I couldn't give birth to my son much less see his birth since I was put under with general anesthesia which means I didn't hear his first cries, and I couldn't console him. I even questioned if I had post partum depression. It was really rough, I had my days where I cried because I didn't know what else to do. But seriously... crying doesn't get you anywhere. Matthew went through 5 formula changes and I quit trying to pump since I was completely exhausted. With him waking up every 3 hours to feed (which means he sleeps for 3 hours and I sleep for 1.5, IF THAT, after a diaper change, burping, rocking him to sleep, and however long it takes me to fall asleep). He had his bad days and he had slightly better ones.
Weeks 4-7
All of the above minus the self pity. I'm not sure if he was actually a little better or I was just used to it already... actually, I was just used to the constant crying and the frequent feedings. Matthew started to have blood in his stool. At this point he was on Similac Allimentum already which is already pretty sensitive. That's when his pediatrician said he had a reaction to that as well. Here we go again, my baby is a month old and another formula change. This time, Enfamil Nutramigen. We started off with powder and yet he seemed to get worse so I switched him to the ready to use version of the formula. He seemed to tolerate it much better. If it's the same formula, why does he do better with one over the other? I spent over an hour on the phone with Enfamil since his pediatrician said there was no difference (he was pissing me off because he didn't seem as concerned as I was). It all boiled down to a probiotic in the powder that isn't in the ready to use. If probiotics help his tummy, why was it doing the opposite? Finally after 6 weeks and trying anything and everything I finally figured out that he can tolerate the powder if I prepare it in advance, therefore the formula has time to breakdown more (IDK that's just my opinion) and there is less air in the mix. He is still fussy but it is way more tolerable than before (I'm just hoping his caregiver can handle him). I can now sing my son to sleep, play with him, listen to him coo, see him smile, etc. One of the downfalls to his tummy troubles is that he now required to be rocked to sleep and he NEEDS to sleep with me. No bassinet and no "by-my-side sleeper" (tiny cradle that you can put on your bed. That's what happens when he practically has lived in our arms for a month (not cause we were trying to spoil him, but console him) Oh yeah, and I changed pediatricians, that other one pissed me off and I just didn't wanna deal with him anymore. The new pediatrician said he could possible have acid reflux so she prescribed him some medication to help for that, he may eventually see a GI doctor... I'm thinking that's our best bet.
Although we've been through a lot in such little time, I cant say I know it all. We (my mom and I) are still learning and will continue to learn. But here is my advice, take it if you like, no hard feelings if you don't...
(These first ones are passed on from my friends) Be patient. Don't give up on yourself, you're stronger than you think. Remember your baby is new and sometimes it takes a while to get to know each other. Don't be afraid to get a second opinion. In regards to diapers, I prefer Pampers swaddlers over huggies little snugglers...due to leaks. Matthew just upgraded to a size 1 and well I have bought Pampers baby dry to test them out since you get more for your buck... not too bad. If you have a colicky baby, I use Colic Calm (found at CVS, homeopathic, does not contain sugar, alcohol, or sodium bicarbonate, but makes baby's poop very dark) and Wellements gripe water (found at Wallgreens, organic and has sodium bicarbonate, but no sugar or alcohol), some people swear by them, I was just looking for a ray of light. Formula is expensive especially when you have so many changes and leave many cans unused or partially used. Sign up at Similac or Enfamil website, you get coupons and they will even send you formula samples (usually a can or 2 if you're lucky). Use coupons, it's a money saver, BABIES ARE EXPENSIVE. So much for my 12 days of Dooney and Bourke this Holiday season lol (Although, I think I deserve a push gift or two from myself, but I have my eye on a Burberry bag, we'll see ;) ) Don't buy crap for convenience, I learned that the hard way... Money wasters... Car and Nursery Bottle warmers (baby doesn't wanna wait 15 minutes for bottle to warm... get your ass up and warm it, I know you're exhausted, just make sure you check the temp, it took me a while to get used to it)... make sure the formula allows warming, Enfamil Nutramigen has probiotics that are no longer present when warmed... it kills the bacteria or something. I also ordered a travel wipe warmer from walmart.com... Prince Lionheart travel warmer... only has room for 3o and they run out quick. I figured it was perfect for home and travel since it has both wall connection and car charger. We didn't have then growing up so I'm you pretty much dont need one. I bought it cause I thought I could take it with me when we go to town, it has a car charger, but with all the baby stuff you have to carry, I usually forget the warmer. Just get the big one if you insist on a warmer.

Things I love

I LOVE the Diaper Genie, that's just my opinion. Arm and Hamme makes these little poopy bags for the poopy diapers for when you're out on the town (Thanks Amy). Johnson & Johnson hand and face wipes, $2.50 for 25 count but they are a good fresher upper for the baby. Pampers Sensitive wipes... they supposedly dont sting and since Matthew's formula makes him poop like 8 times a day, his bottom can get raw (I'm considering switching to Huggies wipes (sensitive) since they are thicker). I have yet to find large receiving blankets so I use the ones I stole (YES I SAID "I STOLE") from the hospital. I kept three lol ;) While they aren't soft like the ones from the store, you can still swaddle your baby and have leg room. Huggies makes disposable changing pads (Because I now have a budget, if he doesnt poop or pee on it and I usually dont put his bottom down on it, I re-use it (I think only 8 come in the pack). I love anything I can get from Target but since it's an hour away, I gotta settle from our crappy selection at our local Walmart... And let m tell you, I'd rather order online cause they dont have JACK! I cant even find the ready to use formula that my son is on. I'm iffy on the bottle sterilizer... that's roughly 25 bucks you can save when you can just boil... I bought it anyway, it's pretty convenient nonetheless. Those blue pacifiers from the hospital are ugly and they get hooked, so if you plan on using one, take one of your own. Oh yeah... outings WILL NEVER BE THE SAME! I cant really think of anything else at the moment, I'm sleep deprived... Can you blame me? lol. One more thing... Don't be afraid to ask for help or look for communities online where you can communicate with other mothers going through the same issues you are, it helps to know you're not alone. As for me, I'm scheduled to return to work this coming Monday, Let's just say I'm not too happy. I wish I could be a stay at home mom, at least for the first year, but I'm not that fortunate.

A whole new world...

I have finally found a meaning and my purpose to this life... My son, Matthew Landon. Words can not describe the love I have for him, and as corny as it sounds, he completes me; He is what I have been missing my whole life. My eyes well up with tears (tears of happiness) and my heart skips a beat (or two, or three) at the sight of him. I have found the love of my life, one that is unconditional, one that I can call mine forever. I didn't expect to feel like this, well actually, I didn't really know what to expect. The day I found out I was getting induced I was beyond scared, I didn't feel prepared, but is anyone ever really prepared? Anxiousness and excitement followed. I didn't take any birthing classes, I just felt that when the moment came, I'd probably forget everything and nature would kick in anyway. Thursday, July 28, 2011 was like any other day, any other appointment. I had a non-stress test, followed by a biophysical profile, followed by a visit from the doctor... only much to my surprise, my doctor wasn't there so I had to see a midwife. Matthew hadn't been moving so much for the past three BPP's and my amniotic fluid dropped again. For the safety of the baby and of my own, they agreed it was time to induce. An EZ cath was inserted in to my cervix at the office... basically it's a foley catheter and they inflate the balloon with saline to thin/ripen my cervix. I was told I would be started on pitocin at 6 am. Ready or not... it was time. I drove myself to the hospital (yes walking with a catheter between your legs is quite uncomfortable, and to top it off, blood was dripping down my legs). Induction was started in the morning, the catheter didn't fall out until noon. My amniotic bag was broken around 4pm. I had been tolerating my contractions pretty well. I was trying to focus and breathing through them; Mom was a pretty good coach. Once the amniotic bag was broken, the intensity of my contractions doubled, and I thought they were quite strong already... They peaked on the strip so I didn't know how much stronger they could get. For roughly 2-3 hours my contractions were coming 1-2 minutes apart. My plan was to have an epidural... I didn't have anything to prove to anyone and besides, why put myself through the pain? The anesthesiologist finally came to give me some relief... or so I thought. He tried 6 times going higher and higher up my spine trying to get the epidural in, it wouldn't budge. Apparently I now have spinal stenosis or something or other. Well, I guess I'd have to endure a natural childbirth. And that was OK with me (It's not like I really had a choice lol). 7pm came around and I hadn't dilated past 4cm, the doctor decided it was time to take the alternate route, a c-section... What I wasn't prepared for was hearing that I had to be put under general anesthesia since the epidural didn't take. I've always had a fear of general anesthesia, partly because of my control issue, I wouldn't know what was going on, but worst of all, I feared I wouldn't wake up. My mother was allergic to a type of general anesthesia and it nearly killed her. Here I was, about to be a mother for the first time, and what if I didn't ever get to meet him? OK, so I know I can be a little dramatic but fear is fear, and I couldn't control that. I cried and cried until I passed out, literally. I remember the anesthesiologist saying I'm going to press on your throat and it's going to feel like you cant breath... OK, who wouldn't panic when someone is practically choking you? I have no recollection of what happened next, I didn't dream, I didn't think. I woke up in recovery. I vaguely recall the sounds of my son's cries. The nurse put my son to my breast. I had to ask my mom if I cried when I first saw him 'cause I couldn't remember. She said yes. lol. Matthew Landon never left my sight. He was never taken to a baby nursery. He graced our presence at 8:21pm on 7/29/11 weighing in at 5lbs 13oz and measuring 18in long. He sure was a precious little peanut, and he was all mine! I feel like I missed the best part, seeing my son come in to this world. It almost feels like a dream and at any moment I can wake up like I fabricated this entire story. Clearly that's not what I want, I love my son and I love everything about being a mother. I just feel I missed a very important part of his birth but truth of the matter is, the best part is right in my arms. <3
Because Matthew was never taken to a nursery, motherhood set in quite rapidly. Mom was there the first night in the hospital, but since my dad and his wife came in to town to visit my son and I, she gave them the opportunity to stay with me... which they didn't take, so I was on my own. To make matters worse Matthew had tummy troubles which meant I couldn't sleep a wink. The first half of the night I slowly managed to get in and out of bed to get him, the second half, I just let him sleep on my chest. He still cried and cried but at least I didn't have to endure the painful movements of climbing out of that hospital bed. A nurse was kind enough to watch him for a couple minutes so I could bathe... at 3 am. Yup... he had been so fussy I couldn't get away. I wouldn't doubt he kept the whole hall awake. I bet my "neighbors" were thinking... "what the hell are they doing to that poor child" lol. The second hardest thing I had to deal with was his circumcision. I debated and debated on whether or not to do it. I couldn't stand the thought of my newborn son being in pain. I cried and cried as I contemplated over my decision. The nurse came to get him. He was sound asleep when he arrived, but when the doctor came to check up on him, he screamed off the top of his lung when he heard the doctor's voice. For over half an hour my poor baby was inconsolable... and of course I cried, I began to regret my decision.
So we are home now and he is almost two weeks old. Time sure flies. he is beginning to fill out... putting on some weight. His family jewels have healed up, thank God for that! He is pretty much on a schedule and feeds every 2-3 hours. My biggest challenge is breast feeding/pumping. Who the heck has time to pump every time the baby eats? Seriously? Between feedings, changing diapers, burping him (this happens to be quite the task/challenge), trying to get sleep myself... then pumping... and to make matters worse, I hardly lactate (doctor said my heat stroke probably had a lot to do with it, not to mention the fact that the baby was early). Regardless, I am determined, I may not pump as frequently as I should but I still try. I don't get enough for a feeding, not even half an ounce :( but what little I can offer my son is good enough for me. I've spent almost two weeks in pajamas, except for 3 days that we went out... 2 for appointments and once to have dinner. Time is flying and before I know it, I will be back to work, and my heart will break.
I love every minute with my son. My life will never be the same, and I wouldn't have it any other way. God has truly blessed me, and I am forever grateful!