Troy ;:o)

When they say a dog is truly a man's best friend, they aren't kidding. Troy was my not just my best friend, he was my confidant and my baby. He knew my secrets, been with me through many heartaches, he never judged me, loved me unconditionally no matter how I treated him (which was mostly spoiling him), he licked my tears, and turned my frowns upside down. I am so happy I got to have him as my companion for the past 6 years.

Troy passed away October 30, 2010. He had been having seizures the past year and a half but because I was in school and didn't work, I couldn't afford to take him to the vet. Unfortunately we don't have low cost vets in the area. Just recently his seizures started occurring more frequently, He'd have about three to four a day whereas they were just sporadic in the past. I feel responsible, had he had medical care, perhaps he would not have died... but considering the circumstances there was not much I could do. I know I did great as a pet parent regardless. I had spent the night at a friend's house Friday night and when I arrived home at around noon Saturday I found him in my room (he is usually outside during the day). I asked my grandpa why he was inside and he said that Troy had a seizure as soon as he went outside and another one a few minutes later that left him trembling... so grandpa decided to put him in my room so he could rest. I got home and he was so excited to see me. He greeted me with kisses and a wagging tail. He jumped on the bed and sat on my lap. I played with him for a little while and when he tired he rested his head on my chest (I always thought it was his way of hugging me). I took a picture of him... it was his last. I was getting ready to meet my friend to pick up my cell phone charger since I had accidentally left it when I spent the night, then to meet my aunt for lunch. When I arrived I headed straight for my bed since I was still very tired and needed a nap before work. My aunt came into my room, all she said was "Cyn... Not good". Immediately my heart started racing, my first thought was my grandpa was hurt or something of that nature, then she said, "It's Troy". I just knew he had passed. My grandpa found him by the mailbox. Tears filled my eyes and rolled down my cheeks. I went outside to see him. I carried him like a baby as I always did. I couldn't believe it. My heart ached. My 8 year old nephew was outside and said, "it's OK Cyn, he is not suffering anymore... And I love you" In the moment, I heard him but I couldn't react, I couldn't speak. I uttered, "Thank you... And I love you too, baby" My grandpa and cousin dug a hole so that he could have a little burial in the back. And when I was ready, I let him go.

Some people say a dog is just a dog, but I say Troy was a big part of the family. I feel a little empty with out him. He slept with me, followed me everywhere... even to the restroom, and if I attempted to lock him out, he would scratch the door and whimper until I let him in. He would jump in my truck when I was leaving, only to disappoint him when I had to kick him out and tell him to go back. He knew the sound of my engine and waited for me at the drive way as soon as he heard me around the block. He would sit on my lap at the desk, by the kitchen table, and follow me to my dad's who lived down the street. I only have good things to say about him although he was very mischievous... and a biter, but he never bit me so I cant complain :) So good bye my loyal companion and best friend. Wait for me and I will see you at Rainbow bridge.

Life and Lessons

He's been on my mind a lot lately... Marco, that is. I can't believe it has already been four months; time sure flies. I was listening to my iPod when his song came on... The one I said was his song from me. I remember one night he was playing his guitar and I made him hear it and his reaction was "C'mon, that's sooooooo gay" but then he leaned over and kissed my nose and smiled with a little wink ;) (OK so just to set the record straight he was not
Homophobic or anything... It's just an expression) anyways so yeah, the song was kind of soft but coming from a woman (who is a major softy despite the front I put on) expressing feelings for her then boyfriend, the lyrics totally fit. Back to the point, I heard the song and my heart just sank, it brought back a lot of emotions, both positive and negative. I can honestly I have my moments... I miss him (OK, so I know we fought 90% of the time but still... He's gone and I'll never see or hear from him again). I'm not stuck in the past, I've moved on... I moved on before he even passed away, it's just that one can't help but think of those you shared your life with, I just never got closure.

Tiff and I hung out some time last week and she asked what I learned from him; God puts people in our lives for a reason, and there is always a lesson. I'm still trying to figure that out but as dabble in relationships so to speak, I try to learn from my mistakes with Marco. I try not to be so closed off, but like I said, it's a front... A defense mechanism brought on by fear of hurt or disappointment. I know eventually I gotta let it go but when it's the only thing you've known (in terms of men, including my father) it's how you (I mean I) cope. I'm not one to play games but the way I see it, if some one is willing to break down walls then perhaps they just might be worth it. I've yet to meet anyone really willing to do so, I may as well work on that myself... I guess we all have our issues.
★ ✩ ✮ ✯ ✰ ☆ ⋆★ ✩ ✮ ✯ ✰ ☆ ⋆★ ✩ ✮
On another note, I've been keeping very busy with work and focusing on myself... my "inner" self. I have finally found my purpose in life and I couldn't feel more complete. Not only have I accomplished my dream but I've made my family proud and what a great feeling that is. I love what I do and the children make it so much more rewarding. I know there is so much more out there for me but for the moment, I am happy where I am at. I look forward to greater blessings in my life.

Remembering the greatest gift God ever gave me...

August 29, 2005... One of the saddest days of my life but one I will always remember. 5 years to the day and and it is still clear like yesterday. Having my wonderful and supportive mother and my two amazing grandparents by my side to help ease the pain, both physical and emotional, of losing the greatest gift God ever gave me, my little angel, was definitely a blessing. I don't know what I would have done with out them. It gets easier as the years go by but I never forget. My angel always has a special place in my heart and at times there is a void that can not be filled no matter how hard I try. On that day I lost a piece of my soul but I take comfort in knowing that one day that missing piece will complete me. I found a poem online several years ago and on this day I like to read it...

A Lament for My Baby
I never got to hear you laugh
you never saw me cry
didn't get a chance to say "Hello"
you never said "Goodbye"
I didn't think that I could feel
so sad, lost and forlorn.
I never knew God chose his Angels
before some of them were born.
Your life was short yet special
I shared it all exclusively
I felt you breathe, I felt you kick.
You were alive inside of me.
Every baby is an Angel
and every angel is divine
God needed one in heaven
He came down and took mine
And although we are not together
we're not really apart
for you'll always occupy a space
deep within my heart.
Time has begun to ease my pain
It's only some days now I cry.
When I wish I could have said "Hello"
and heard you say "Goodbye"
~Author Unknown
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On another note... Work has been going great! I can honestly say I am so blessed and grateful for the many opportunities that have come my way. I started working for a private duty nursing company, we treat chronically ill children and teens. It took a long while to find a job and I was very close to moving to my mom's hometown, I really had nothing holding me back so I was ready to pack up and hope something would come up over there but fortunately this came along. :D. I finally started on my own this week after one week of in office orientation and another week of field orientation. Yesterday was my first day on my own. At the beginning of my shift I'll admit I was a little lost. I didn't know where to begin because during field orientation, I usually arrived about an hour after the start of shift. My patient was mostly stable throughout the shift but she had very congested lungs. Her oxygen saturation was good until I stepped out to wash some syringes and her feeding bag. I wasn't gone long but as soon as I got back she was very tense, turning red, and looked like she was choking. Her O2 level went down to 75 (I think) and her heart rate went up to 230 so the alarms started beeping. My heart was pounding (I think it was more the high pitched alarms that made me nervous). I start to suction her and her secretions are SUPER thick (like glue) so it was hard to get them all, but I managed. As soon as she got stable again I could feel my hands shaking, heart racing, and my knees got weak. I kinda laughed after the fact because it really isn't a big deal, but since I was on my own, not to mention alone (parents weren't home), I was pretty frightened. Besides that, the shift went great after I got the hang of it. Today was similar, I felt nervous at the beginning of the shift, I had a different patient and her parents were really hands on so knowing that they were there eased the anxiety. I know once I've been on my own for a while it will get easier, I don't worry about that. Besides, I know in my heart that this is where I am supposed to be!