Life and Lessons

He's been on my mind a lot lately... Marco, that is. I can't believe it has already been four months; time sure flies. I was listening to my iPod when his song came on... The one I said was his song from me. I remember one night he was playing his guitar and I made him hear it and his reaction was "C'mon, that's sooooooo gay" but then he leaned over and kissed my nose and smiled with a little wink ;) (OK so just to set the record straight he was not
Homophobic or anything... It's just an expression) anyways so yeah, the song was kind of soft but coming from a woman (who is a major softy despite the front I put on) expressing feelings for her then boyfriend, the lyrics totally fit. Back to the point, I heard the song and my heart just sank, it brought back a lot of emotions, both positive and negative. I can honestly I have my moments... I miss him (OK, so I know we fought 90% of the time but still... He's gone and I'll never see or hear from him again). I'm not stuck in the past, I've moved on... I moved on before he even passed away, it's just that one can't help but think of those you shared your life with, I just never got closure.

Tiff and I hung out some time last week and she asked what I learned from him; God puts people in our lives for a reason, and there is always a lesson. I'm still trying to figure that out but as dabble in relationships so to speak, I try to learn from my mistakes with Marco. I try not to be so closed off, but like I said, it's a front... A defense mechanism brought on by fear of hurt or disappointment. I know eventually I gotta let it go but when it's the only thing you've known (in terms of men, including my father) it's how you (I mean I) cope. I'm not one to play games but the way I see it, if some one is willing to break down walls then perhaps they just might be worth it. I've yet to meet anyone really willing to do so, I may as well work on that myself... I guess we all have our issues.
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On another note, I've been keeping very busy with work and focusing on myself... my "inner" self. I have finally found my purpose in life and I couldn't feel more complete. Not only have I accomplished my dream but I've made my family proud and what a great feeling that is. I love what I do and the children make it so much more rewarding. I know there is so much more out there for me but for the moment, I am happy where I am at. I look forward to greater blessings in my life.

Remembering the greatest gift God ever gave me...

August 29, 2005... One of the saddest days of my life but one I will always remember. 5 years to the day and and it is still clear like yesterday. Having my wonderful and supportive mother and my two amazing grandparents by my side to help ease the pain, both physical and emotional, of losing the greatest gift God ever gave me, my little angel, was definitely a blessing. I don't know what I would have done with out them. It gets easier as the years go by but I never forget. My angel always has a special place in my heart and at times there is a void that can not be filled no matter how hard I try. On that day I lost a piece of my soul but I take comfort in knowing that one day that missing piece will complete me. I found a poem online several years ago and on this day I like to read it...

A Lament for My Baby
I never got to hear you laugh
you never saw me cry
didn't get a chance to say "Hello"
you never said "Goodbye"
I didn't think that I could feel
so sad, lost and forlorn.
I never knew God chose his Angels
before some of them were born.
Your life was short yet special
I shared it all exclusively
I felt you breathe, I felt you kick.
You were alive inside of me.
Every baby is an Angel
and every angel is divine
God needed one in heaven
He came down and took mine
And although we are not together
we're not really apart
for you'll always occupy a space
deep within my heart.
Time has begun to ease my pain
It's only some days now I cry.
When I wish I could have said "Hello"
and heard you say "Goodbye"
~Author Unknown
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On another note... Work has been going great! I can honestly say I am so blessed and grateful for the many opportunities that have come my way. I started working for a private duty nursing company, we treat chronically ill children and teens. It took a long while to find a job and I was very close to moving to my mom's hometown, I really had nothing holding me back so I was ready to pack up and hope something would come up over there but fortunately this came along. :D. I finally started on my own this week after one week of in office orientation and another week of field orientation. Yesterday was my first day on my own. At the beginning of my shift I'll admit I was a little lost. I didn't know where to begin because during field orientation, I usually arrived about an hour after the start of shift. My patient was mostly stable throughout the shift but she had very congested lungs. Her oxygen saturation was good until I stepped out to wash some syringes and her feeding bag. I wasn't gone long but as soon as I got back she was very tense, turning red, and looked like she was choking. Her O2 level went down to 75 (I think) and her heart rate went up to 230 so the alarms started beeping. My heart was pounding (I think it was more the high pitched alarms that made me nervous). I start to suction her and her secretions are SUPER thick (like glue) so it was hard to get them all, but I managed. As soon as she got stable again I could feel my hands shaking, heart racing, and my knees got weak. I kinda laughed after the fact because it really isn't a big deal, but since I was on my own, not to mention alone (parents weren't home), I was pretty frightened. Besides that, the shift went great after I got the hang of it. Today was similar, I felt nervous at the beginning of the shift, I had a different patient and her parents were really hands on so knowing that they were there eased the anxiety. I know once I've been on my own for a while it will get easier, I don't worry about that. Besides, I know in my heart that this is where I am supposed to be!

Marco II

4 days running on lack of sleep is really catching up to me. I had this crazy notion that if I went to pay my respects the dreams would stop. I cant fall asleep without seeing his face or dreaming of him. Apparently some feel that this is due to guilt. I have no guilt, not really. I decided to go to the cemetery and find him. I went blindly not knowing where to look or where to begin. Coincidentally I stopped at this grave with a similar name, the dates were off. This woman had been visiting and asked if I was lost. Apparently I was, wrong guy. I actually went to get some flowers, a small bunch of red roses... I'm on a budget here being that I am unemployed. I searched and searched. I came across a few new, unmarked graves feeling that he had to be there. A while later a group of young women, roughly my age, showed up but only one got off. I asked if who she was looking for, and apparently we were looking for the same person. She told me her name and that she wasn't sure where his grave was. She was a friend of his, I just introduced myself leaving out the details of how I knew Marco. I decided I'd call the office tomorrow morning and see where exactly he is located so I can pay my respects. I wrote this long letter expressing my emotions... sort of like a last goodbye. I don't expect anyone to understand because I only revealed what I chose to about our relationship. Most of it was rocky as I mentioned before, so unfortunately most of what people heard was the ranting I did and being that I am very private about my relationships, no one knew much about us. Nothing bothers me more than people speculating. Regardless, I have so much I need to say to him, but I'll never get that chance. Things like this take time, I realize that... I guess that is why you're supposed to say whatever it is that you need to when you have the chance; Tomorrow is never guaranteed.