Change

Untitled... I live by two mottos; live life with no regrets and never wonder "what if". This year I've encountered many set backs and have experienced many emotions which have helped mold me into the woman I am. Although life can be trying at times, there are lessons to be learned, now whether we or not we are able to admit we aren't always right is another thing. I like to think that I am always... Ok mostly, open to the idea of seeing things differently.  I'd say about 75% of my actions/decisions are planned out.  I meticulously plan out my goals and while there is always room for error,  I usually have back up plans. I do my research and I seek advice, mostly from my knowledgable and supportive mother. And then there is that 25%  where I allow myself to be Care free  (although i wish i allowed myself more room to do so, i am an adult... And with that comes certain responsibilities)...And that is when I tend to stumble. I am not perfect, nor will I ever try to be. I embrace my resilient nature  and that I do not get discouraged easily, If anything, I welcome any challenge. Sometimes it takes me a couple tries to get it right, then there are times where i have yet to be successful. The Taurus in me brings out the stubbornness and somewhat selfishness, so at times I pursue things that aren't necessarily in my best interest. Don't you just hate when your id gives into your ego? So even if the results of my actions are not in my favor, at least I can say I made an attempt. I don't ever want to find myself at a point in my life wishing I should have done something I never had the courage to do. Indeed, there are things I would have like to have done differently, but those are just lessons that make us stronger. 
So I found this unpublished blog I had started before Matthew was born... I think it was dated April 22, 2011. After reading and reflecting on my perspective before I was a parent and how I see things now, I realize that while I was 29 when I wrote that, I had no clue about being a real adult with real responsibilities. I don't think your really an adult until your responsible for someone other than yourself. Sure, you're grown, live on your own, make your own decisions, pay your own bills, and can do whatever the hell you want... Once you become responsible for someone else your whole perspective changes. As mentioned in that unpublished blog, I lived on the edge 25% of the time... Ok maybe it was a little more than that now that I look back... But that's ok... I can say I've lived. Now I can say I live for my son... And that gives me the utmost satisfaction. I live, breathe, and sleep Matthew; he is my reason for being. It's difficult as hell, for any parent, single or not. By no means am I complaining because I do have my parents help, but as a responsible parent, you now have choices to make that not only affect you, but your child as well. Needless to say, 100% of my actions are now planned out. There is no room selfishness and screw ups. My life is so different now, but I love every minute of it.

My Angel

Grandma's birthday is just around the corner, 5 days in fact. Not a day goes by that I don't think of her and how I wished she was here to see my beautiful son and give me countless advice, much of which I probably wouldn't ask for but being the grandma she was, she'd give it anyway. I just know she would have adored him (along with Jacob and Alice, the other new additions to our family this year). I remember her last birthday with us like it was yesterday... She was so upset about it. She had cancer but believed with every breathe in her body she would beat it. She was upset with every gathering since her diagnosis because she said we were getting together like it was her last one... we never really knew when the last one would be, so we cherished each and every one. Even though she was upset, she got over it cause she always loved parties... she liked the attention. She used to say my grandpa got all the attention lol. Well, 2 years have come and gone since her passing, I can still smell her perfume... which were actually mine but she loved the scents so she would use them all. I can still feel her hands, they were rough and dry (kinda like how your hands feel after using clorox) and her knuckles were very bony and large from arthritis. She hated her hands, but that's what I loved the most about her. Those hands caressed my face, wiped my tears, patted me to sleep, and held my own. I'll never forget them. I see her in my dreams from time to time and it brings me peace, I wake up feeling like for just a moment, she was here again. Matthew smiles a lot during his sleep (as most babies do), I like to think that my grandma is whispering to him. I know she is our guardian angel, and that brings me comfort. I can honestly say, she was the best grandma in the world and I was so lucky to have her... Happy Birthday Grammy... I love you!

Time's flying

I can't believe how time flies by these days. Perhaps it's the sleepless nights and days that all roll over to the next, the fact that I started working again, and the exhaustion making everything feel like a flash. My little man is a whole new person (and while I say this I hope I didn't jinx him), his tummy is much better and his formula has finally settled with him making him MUCH less fussy. Can I hear an AMEN! He is sleeping a little better through the night which is definitely helping. Some nights I can get 5 hours of sleep in between one of his feedings (then he usually wants to eat every 2 hours for the next couple of feedings). Even though it's been really rough coping with Matthew's tummy troubles and my hormones (very emotional), things are finally settling down. My mom has been a great help and I am very blessed to have her. The best part is being able to watch him play and coo and smile whereas before, he was much more serious and in pain all the time.

Matthew had his 2 month check up (yes, ;( he got his shots) and he weighed in at a whopping 10 lbs 8 ounces. OK, so he is still little and doesn't weigh much but he's gained almost 5 pounds since birth. He did better than I expected with the shots, I, of course, cried much more than he did. It's just so hard to see your little one in pain. He pretty much cried for a couple seconds and fell asleep. I was expecting the worst... I heard all the horror stories with babies being so fussy and getting an elevated temp afterwards, but not my Mattey, he slept... and slept... AND SLEPT for almost 24 hours waking up only to feed and even then, he would eat just an ounce or two. He did throw up and got a major case of the runs though :-/

Work has been going great and I've even tried working a little more this past week. It really kicked my ass but that's only cause I'm not used to working as much (it's not much more than I worked when I was pregnant, but I have been out of work for 2 months so it feels like more) and I still don't sleep much, I've been told I never will again lol and I believe it too. Matthew has done really good with the sitter, he doesn't get picked up as much as he does at home but he sits in his bouncy and watches TV... he likes the cooking channel lol, SHE likes the cooking channel. I don't care as long as he's OK... I just wish it was educational... Like ABC educational, not learning how to make a souffle educational (at least not yet lol) anyhow, it sure beats daycare.

As far as me, my life obviously revolves around my son, and I like it that way. My mom said I needed to be more social, but aside from the women at work, I don't have "friends" here. I haven't taken the time to socialize and meet anyone, it's kinda hard to with a baby and right now, I'm not concerned about it. While I'm beginning to appreciate the small town life, the way I see it, there is nothing to do around here, at least nothing I'd like to do. From what I've learned first hand, you cant take a shit with out the whole town finding out. (I didn't mean take a shit literally, but you know what I mean), Some people just don't have anything better to do. I don't know, I guess I still miss the Valley and everyone there. I think what I need to do is focus on myself more. I need to get back into shape and it will most definitely help de-stress, thing is... I cant seem to get motivated. I heard on the radio that 28 is the best age to lose weight cause you're more dedicated... well, I'm a little past that lol. My metabolism is as fast as molasses, I just had a baby, and I'm tired all the time. I think those 2o pounds I lost, I have gained... oh well, nothing I can do about it now. I'm gonna do it... hopefully sooner than later lol. I think I need to make my motivation playlist with nothing but Madonna and J.T... Cause this momma is gonna bring sexy back! DAMN RIGHT!