THE QUEEN OF RANDOM

My Angel

2011-10-14T22:16:00.005-05:00

Grandma's birthday is just around the corner, 5 days in fact. Not a day goes by that I don't think of her and how I wished she was here to see my beautiful son and give me countless advice, much of which I probably wouldn't ask for but being the grandma she was, she'd give it anyway. I just know she would have adored him (along with Jacob and Alice, the other new additions to our family this year). I remember her last birthday with us like it was yesterday... She was so upset about it. She had cancer but believed with every breathe in her body she would beat it. She was upset with every gathering since her diagnosis because she said we were getting together like it was her last one... we never really knew when the last one would be, so we cherished each and every one. Even though she was upset, she got over it cause she always loved parties... she liked the attention. She used to say my grandpa got all the attention lol. Well, 2 years have come and gone since her passing, I can still smell her perfume... which were actually mine but she loved the scents so she would use them all. I can still feel her hands, they were rough and dry (kinda like how your hands feel after using clorox) and her knuckles were very bony and large from arthritis. She hated her hands, but that's what I loved the most about her. Those hands caressed my face, wiped my tears, patted me to sleep, and held my own. I'll never forget them. I see her in my dreams from time to time and it brings me peace, I wake up feeling like for just a moment, she was here again. Matthew smiles a lot during his sleep (as most babies do), I like to think that my grandma is whispering to him. I know she is our guardian angel, and that brings me comfort. I can honestly say, she was the best grandma in the world and I was so lucky to have her... Happy Birthday Grammy... I love you!

Time's flying

2011-10-08T23:51:00.001-05:00

I can't believe how time flies by these days. Perhaps it's the sleepless nights and days that all roll over to the next, the fact that I started working again, and the exhaustion making everything feel like a flash. My little man is a whole new person (and while I say this I hope I didn't jinx him), his tummy is much better and his formula has finally settled with him making him MUCH less fussy. Can I hear an AMEN! He is sleeping a little better through the night which is definitely helping. Some nights I can get 5 hours of sleep in between one of his feedings (then he usually wants to eat every 2 hours for the next couple of feedings). Even though it's been really rough coping with Matthew's tummy troubles and my hormones (very emotional), things are finally settling down. My mom has been a great help and I am very blessed to have her. The best part is being able to watch him play and coo and smile whereas before, he was much more serious and in pain all the time.

Matthew had his 2 month check up (yes, ;( he got his shots) and he weighed in at a whopping 10 lbs 8 ounces. OK, so he is still little and doesn't weigh much but he's gained almost 5 pounds since birth. He did better than I expected with the shots, I, of course, cried much more than he did. It's just so hard to see your little one in pain. He pretty much cried for a couple seconds and fell asleep. I was expecting the worst... I heard all the horror stories with babies being so fussy and getting an elevated temp afterwards, but not my Mattey, he slept... and slept... AND SLEPT for almost 24 hours waking up only to feed and even then, he would eat just an ounce or two. He did throw up and got a major case of the runs though :-/

Work has been going great and I've even tried working a little more this past week. It really kicked my ass but that's only cause I'm not used to working as much (it's not much more than I worked when I was pregnant, but I have been out of work for 2 months so it feels like more) and I still don't sleep much, I've been told I never will again lol and I believe it too. Matthew has done really good with the sitter, he doesn't get picked up as much as he does at home but he sits in his bouncy and watches TV... he likes the cooking channel lol, SHE likes the cooking channel. I don't care as long as he's OK... I just wish it was educational... Like ABC educational, not learning how to make a souffle educational (at least not yet lol) anyhow, it sure beats daycare.

As far as me, my life obviously revolves around my son, and I like it that way. My mom said I needed to be more social, but aside from the women at work, I don't have "friends" here. I haven't taken the time to socialize and meet anyone, it's kinda hard to with a baby and right now, I'm not concerned about it. While I'm beginning to appreciate the small town life, the way I see it, there is nothing to do around here, at least nothing I'd like to do. From what I've learned first hand, you cant take a shit with out the whole town finding out. (I didn't mean take a shit literally, but you know what I mean), Some people just don't have anything better to do. I don't know, I guess I still miss the Valley and everyone there. I think what I need to do is focus on myself more. I need to get back into shape and it will most definitely help de-stress, thing is... I cant seem to get motivated. I heard on the radio that 28 is the best age to lose weight cause you're more dedicated... well, I'm a little past that lol. My metabolism is as fast as molasses, I just had a baby, and I'm tired all the time. I think those 2o pounds I lost, I have gained... oh well, nothing I can do about it now. I'm gonna do it... hopefully sooner than later lol. I think I need to make my motivation playlist with nothing but Madonna and J.T... Cause this momma is gonna bring sexy back! DAMN RIGHT!

So much, so soon

2011-09-16T00:43:00.009-05:00

I should be sleeping at almost 1 am since I've had a rather exhausting day but silly me I decided to drink some ice cold tea and well, I'm caffeine sensitive :-/. My son is down for his "nap". I guess they're all naps since they don't last more than three hours. It wont be long before he wakes so I may as well stay awake.
This week has been quite difficult... it seems as if Matthew is growing ever so rapidly and it makes me kinda sad. Of course I want him to grow, but I also want him to stay little forever... And well, I know he will always be my baby boy, I just wish it happened gradually... He is growing so fast, so soon. First he finally outgrows size newborn diapers a few days ago. My 5lb 13oz little bundle of joy is now my 8.5 lbs bundle of joy... I still wanna squeeze him into a tiny newborn diaper lol... but then we have a poopy situation... yes, he will poop out of them = NO BUENO! Then I try at size 0-3 onsie... AND IT FITS... a tad big, but it fits. Yes he still fits in newborn clothing (some tighter than others, so we'll just have to get rid of those) but this also means he fits into the next size. I guess I shouldn't complain, some babies don't even fit in newborn sizes and I got to enjoy mine for almost two months (he might even fit in some of them after... we'll see :))Today he drank 4 ounces of formula (does this mean another growth spurt?)... I'm not sure his tummy could handle it but 3-3.5 ounces was not filling him up. He was literally shoving his fists in his mouth cause he was STARVING... so he made it seem. In 13 days he will be 2 months old which means 10 months and 13 days till his first birthday... It's gonna fly by so quick. Yesterday he was able to lift himself off the bed... grabbing on to my mom's fingers of course... I know it's a milestone but like any mother would think... "My child is a genius" lol. He is talking and smiling a lot more when he isn't fussing... it's so adorable.
So much has happened so quick that it breaks my heart to go back to work on Monday, but unfortunately, I have to ;( not only financially, but I think for my own sanity. Don't get me wrong, I adore my son and would rather stay home, but I need adult time too and almost two months thus far of tummy troubles and constant crying really takes a toll on you physically, it just wears you out. I think my fear is that I am going to miss out on something that I wouldn't if I stayed at home... but again, I don't have that privilege. I took him yesterday to meet the sitter. She is an old lady and comes highly recommended. Apparently she's raised a few kids in town. She seems kinda physically slow, but then again she's old... what am I supposed to expect, right? She takes care of one other child, soon to be two years old. I hope she adjusts to Matthew cause her momma wont wanna deal with me if my son comes home with bites lol. When I arrived the TV stayed on the cooking channel the whole time. Granted Paula Dean is fun to watch (and you'll get a bonus clogged artery at the same time just for watching) I kinda expected for cartoons to be on (not that I expect cartoons to baby sit the kid). I guess the kid has a good imagination since the old lady is a channel hoarder. One thing I didn't necessarily like was that she was telling me about the little girls lunch... She said that day she was being particularly picky and pointed to jello, so she gave her jello... then she pointed to marshmallows so she gave her that... ate a few bites of macaroni and I don't know what else. Ummm, Sorry but that doesn't seem like a balanced much less healthy meal. I sure hope that's not what she feeds my son when he is able to eat solids. Another thing... She said she wasn't as "strict" as she used to be. I asked her how many naps the little girl takes through out the day and she replied... "I just don't think it's that big of a deal anymore... if she wants to nap, she naps, if she doesn't, she doesn't". OK... I've only been a mom for a second but I kinda know that kids need structure... and that includes naps. Don't get me wrong... I like the lady, she seems nice and it sure as hell beats putting Matthew in day care, so for now, it will work. It's been a while since she has taken care of an infant but she says she loves them... I just hope mine doesn't scare her lol. I'm actually scared to leave him... I don't think anyone can care for him like I can (or my mom) but I suppose that's every mother. Since Matthew has been sick from his tummy since he was born, he is quite needy... I just hope both she and the little girl adjust... Matthew too for that matter, I don't think she will cater to his every cry like we do.
I mentioned in a previous post about diapers... I change my mind... I still prefer Pampers Swaddlers over Pampers baby dry... They are much softer and I think they keep the skin drier, but that is just my opinion, they still work pretty good. Just in case anyone wanted to know lol.
Well, It's that time again... Feeding time or changing time... Let's go find out

Welcome to Motherhood

2011-09-13T13:13:00.006-05:00

It's been a while since my last post... Why you ask? Cause I've been freakin' tired, that's why lol. It's actually getting better but it has definitely been an experience. Being that I have friends and family members with babies on the way I'd like to share my experience thus far... Now don't get me wrong, every pregnancy and every baby is different and I was one of the not so lucky ones who got both ends rough. We all know my pregnancy was full of complications, the birth of my son was complicated (not too complicated but very far from what I had in mind), and as if it's not difficult enough to be a single mother, my son came with his share of complications. Let me give you a run down...
Week 1:
I arrived home from the hospital with out any pain killers to get me through the day/evening trying to recuperate from a c-section. Because I live in a cheap-ass town (OK it really isn't "cheap-ass" but that is how I felt when I was in pain and our local HEB pharmacy along with all the other pharmacies closed at 4pm or earlier). Because we live in the country, our roads are bumpy and when your uterus has just been sliced open and your skin is held together with a strip of glue (That's right, no stitches or staples), it literally feels like you're going to bust open. From day 2, Matthew had tummy trouble. He screamed for hours off the top of his lungs and to make matters worse I had such a hard time getting in and out of bed because of the pain... Remember, I had NO pain killers, and I'm sure there are some tough chicks out there who can do it with out pain pills, but I NEEDED them. My son went home eating less than 10 mL of formula, therefore he wanted to eat every 2 hours or less. He has gradually made his way up and is now eating every 2.5-4 hours. I tried having him sleep in the bassinet but that didn't work. I finally got my pain killers and it still didn't help, but you gotta get over it 'cause you have a whole new person you're responsible for. THANK GOD FOR MY MOM!
Weeks 1-3 were all pretty much the same. Matthew cried for hours, day in and day out. His tummy was hard and distended, he would scream when he had to pass gas or have a bowel movement... and as we would later find out, he is allergic to milk protein and soy, making him very gassy, thus causing him to scream ALL THE TIME. He was inconsolable, I rocked him, sang to him, bounced him, cradled him, caressed him, and NOTHING worked. We tried chamomile, salvia, warm olive oil on his belly, Karo syrup, gas drops, gripe water, warm tummy compresses, spent over $150.00 in bottles trying to find the right one (Dr. Brown's, Avent, Playtex Nurser etc... we finally stopped with Playtex VentAire)... you name it, we tried it and no relief. I tried breast feeding but since I hardly lactated, I tried using a pump and between both breasts I would get less than 10 mLs... That wasn't even enough to feed him. I was exhausted and frustrated and I knew my baby could feel it. My mom would come help, all he needed was a change of arms. All I wanted to do was console my child and I couldn't. I started to feel like he preferred my mother over me (I realized later that the baby could sense my frustration, my being tense made him more tense, but of course he loves his Grammy). I started to feel inadequate, I couldn't lactate, I couldn't give birth to my son much less see his birth since I was put under with general anesthesia which means I didn't hear his first cries, and I couldn't console him. I even questioned if I had post partum depression. It was really rough, I had my days where I cried because I didn't know what else to do. But seriously... crying doesn't get you anywhere. Matthew went through 5 formula changes and I quit trying to pump since I was completely exhausted. With him waking up every 3 hours to feed (which means he sleeps for 3 hours and I sleep for 1.5, IF THAT, after a diaper change, burping, rocking him to sleep, and however long it takes me to fall asleep). He had his bad days and he had slightly better ones.
Weeks 4-7
All of the above minus the self pity. I'm not sure if he was actually a little better or I was just used to it already... actually, I was just used to the constant crying and the frequent feedings. Matthew started to have blood in his stool. At this point he was on Similac Allimentum already which is already pretty sensitive. That's when his pediatrician said he had a reaction to that as well. Here we go again, my baby is a month old and another formula change. This time, Enfamil Nutramigen. We started off with powder and yet he seemed to get worse so I switched him to the ready to use version of the formula. He seemed to tolerate it much better. If it's the same formula, why does he do better with one over the other? I spent over an hour on the phone with Enfamil since his pediatrician said there was no difference (he was pissing me off because he didn't seem as concerned as I was). It all boiled down to a probiotic in the powder that isn't in the ready to use. If probiotics help his tummy, why was it doing the opposite? Finally after 6 weeks and trying anything and everything I finally figured out that he can tolerate the powder if I prepare it in advance, therefore the formula has time to breakdown more (IDK that's just my opinion) and there is less air in the mix. He is still fussy but it is way more tolerable than before (I'm just hoping his caregiver can handle him). I can now sing my son to sleep, play with him, listen to him coo, see him smile, etc. One of the downfalls to his tummy troubles is that he now required to be rocked to sleep and he NEEDS to sleep with me. No bassinet and no "by-my-side sleeper" (tiny cradle that you can put on your bed. That's what happens when he practically has lived in our arms for a month (not cause we were trying to spoil him, but console him) Oh yeah, and I changed pediatricians, that other one pissed me off and I just didn't wanna deal with him anymore. The new pediatrician said he could possible have acid reflux so she prescribed him some medication to help for that, he may eventually see a GI doctor... I'm thinking that's our best bet.
Although we've been through a lot in such little time, I cant say I know it all. We (my mom and I) are still learning and will continue to learn. But here is my advice, take it if you like, no hard feelings if you don't...
(These first ones are passed on from my friends) Be patient. Don't give up on yourself, you're stronger than you think. Remember your baby is new and sometimes it takes a while to get to know each other. Don't be afraid to get a second opinion. In regards to diapers, I prefer Pampers swaddlers over huggies little snugglers...due to leaks. Matthew just upgraded to a size 1 and well I have bought Pampers baby dry to test them out since you get more for your buck... not too bad. If you have a colicky baby, I use Colic Calm (found at CVS, homeopathic, does not contain sugar, alcohol, or sodium bicarbonate, but makes baby's poop very dark) and Wellements gripe water (found at Wallgreens, organic and has sodium bicarbonate, but no sugar or alcohol), some people swear by them, I was just looking for a ray of light. Formula is expensive especially when you have so many changes and leave many cans unused or partially used. Sign up at Similac or Enfamil website, you get coupons and they will even send you formula samples (usually a can or 2 if you're lucky). Use coupons, it's a money saver, BABIES ARE EXPENSIVE. So much for my 12 days of Dooney and Bourke this Holiday season lol (Although, I think I deserve a push gift or two from myself, but I have my eye on a Burberry bag, we'll see ;) ) Don't buy crap for convenience, I learned that the hard way... Money wasters... Car and Nursery Bottle warmers (baby doesn't wanna wait 15 minutes for bottle to warm... get your ass up and warm it, I know you're exhausted, just make sure you check the temp, it took me a while to get used to it)... make sure the formula allows warming, Enfamil Nutramigen has probiotics that are no longer present when warmed... it kills the bacteria or something. I also ordered a travel wipe warmer from walmart.com... Prince Lionheart travel warmer... only has room for 3o and they run out quick. I figured it was perfect for home and travel since it has both wall connection and car charger. We didn't have then growing up so I'm you pretty much dont need one. I bought it cause I thought I could take it with me when we go to town, it has a car charger, but with all the baby stuff you have to carry, I usually forget the warmer. Just get the big one if you insist on a warmer.

Things I love

I LOVE the Diaper Genie, that's just my opinion. Arm and Hamme makes these little poopy bags for the poopy diapers for when you're out on the town (Thanks Amy). Johnson & Johnson hand and face wipes, $2.50 for 25 count but they are a good fresher upper for the baby. Pampers Sensitive wipes... they supposedly dont sting and since Matthew's formula makes him poop like 8 times a day, his bottom can get raw (I'm considering switching to Huggies wipes (sensitive) since they are thicker). I have yet to find large receiving blankets so I use the ones I stole (YES I SAID "I STOLE") from the hospital. I kept three lol ;) While they aren't soft like the ones from the store, you can still swaddle your baby and have leg room. Huggies makes disposable changing pads (Because I now have a budget, if he doesnt poop or pee on it and I usually dont put his bottom down on it, I re-use it (I think only 8 come in the pack). I love anything I can get from Target but since it's an hour away, I gotta settle from our crappy selection at our local Walmart... And let m tell you, I'd rather order online cause they dont have JACK! I cant even find the ready to use formula that my son is on. I'm iffy on the bottle sterilizer... that's roughly 25 bucks you can save when you can just boil... I bought it anyway, it's pretty convenient nonetheless. Those blue pacifiers from the hospital are ugly and they get hooked, so if you plan on using one, take one of your own. Oh yeah... outings WILL NEVER BE THE SAME! I cant really think of anything else at the moment, I'm sleep deprived... Can you blame me? lol. One more thing... Don't be afraid to ask for help or look for communities online where you can communicate with other mothers going through the same issues you are, it helps to know you're not alone. As for me, I'm scheduled to return to work this coming Monday, Let's just say I'm not too happy. I wish I could be a stay at home mom, at least for the first year, but I'm not that fortunate.

A whole new world...

2011-08-10T20:25:00.005-05:00

I have finally found a meaning and my purpose to this life... My son, Matthew Landon. Words can not describe the love I have for him, and as corny as it sounds, he completes me; He is what I have been missing my whole life. My eyes well up with tears (tears of happiness) and my heart skips a beat (or two, or three) at the sight of him. I have found the love of my life, one that is unconditional, one that I can call mine forever. I didn't expect to feel like this, well actually, I didn't really know what to expect. The day I found out I was getting induced I was beyond scared, I didn't feel prepared, but is anyone ever really prepared? Anxiousness and excitement followed. I didn't take any birthing classes, I just felt that when the moment came, I'd probably forget everything and nature would kick in anyway. Thursday, July 28, 2011 was like any other day, any other appointment. I had a non-stress test, followed by a biophysical profile, followed by a visit from the doctor... only much to my surprise, my doctor wasn't there so I had to see a midwife. Matthew hadn't been moving so much for the past three BPP's and my amniotic fluid dropped again. For the safety of the baby and of my own, they agreed it was time to induce. An EZ cath was inserted in to my cervix at the office... basically it's a foley catheter and they inflate the balloon with saline to thin/ripen my cervix. I was told I would be started on pitocin at 6 am. Ready or not... it was time. I drove myself to the hospital (yes walking with a catheter between your legs is quite uncomfortable, and to top it off, blood was dripping down my legs). Induction was started in the morning, the catheter didn't fall out until noon. My amniotic bag was broken around 4pm. I had been tolerating my contractions pretty well. I was trying to focus and breathing through them; Mom was a pretty good coach. Once the amniotic bag was broken, the intensity of my contractions doubled, and I thought they were quite strong already... They peaked on the strip so I didn't know how much stronger they could get. For roughly 2-3 hours my contractions were coming 1-2 minutes apart. My plan was to have an epidural... I didn't have anything to prove to anyone and besides, why put myself through the pain? The anesthesiologist finally came to give me some relief... or so I thought. He tried 6 times going higher and higher up my spine trying to get the epidural in, it wouldn't budge. Apparently I now have spinal stenosis or something or other. Well, I guess I'd have to endure a natural childbirth. And that was OK with me (It's not like I really had a choice lol). 7pm came around and I hadn't dilated past 4cm, the doctor decided it was time to take the alternate route, a c-section... What I wasn't prepared for was hearing that I had to be put under general anesthesia since the epidural didn't take. I've always had a fear of general anesthesia, partly because of my control issue, I wouldn't know what was going on, but worst of all, I feared I wouldn't wake up. My mother was allergic to a type of general anesthesia and it nearly killed her. Here I was, about to be a mother for the first time, and what if I didn't ever get to meet him? OK, so I know I can be a little dramatic but fear is fear, and I couldn't control that. I cried and cried until I passed out, literally. I remember the anesthesiologist saying I'm going to press on your throat and it's going to feel like you cant breath... OK, who wouldn't panic when someone is practically choking you? I have no recollection of what happened next, I didn't dream, I didn't think. I woke up in recovery. I vaguely recall the sounds of my son's cries. The nurse put my son to my breast. I had to ask my mom if I cried when I first saw him 'cause I couldn't remember. She said yes. lol. Matthew Landon never left my sight. He was never taken to a baby nursery. He graced our presence at 8:21pm on 7/29/11 weighing in at 5lbs 13oz and measuring 18in long. He sure was a precious little peanut, and he was all mine! I feel like I missed the best part, seeing my son come in to this world. It almost feels like a dream and at any moment I can wake up like I fabricated this entire story. Clearly that's not what I want, I love my son and I love everything about being a mother. I just feel I missed a very important part of his birth but truth of the matter is, the best part is right in my arms. <3
Because Matthew was never taken to a nursery, motherhood set in quite rapidly. Mom was there the first night in the hospital, but since my dad and his wife came in to town to visit my son and I, she gave them the opportunity to stay with me... which they didn't take, so I was on my own. To make matters worse Matthew had tummy troubles which meant I couldn't sleep a wink. The first half of the night I slowly managed to get in and out of bed to get him, the second half, I just let him sleep on my chest. He still cried and cried but at least I didn't have to endure the painful movements of climbing out of that hospital bed. A nurse was kind enough to watch him for a couple minutes so I could bathe... at 3 am. Yup... he had been so fussy I couldn't get away. I wouldn't doubt he kept the whole hall awake. I bet my "neighbors" were thinking... "what the hell are they doing to that poor child" lol. The second hardest thing I had to deal with was his circumcision. I debated and debated on whether or not to do it. I couldn't stand the thought of my newborn son being in pain. I cried and cried as I contemplated over my decision. The nurse came to get him. He was sound asleep when he arrived, but when the doctor came to check up on him, he screamed off the top of his lung when he heard the doctor's voice. For over half an hour my poor baby was inconsolable... and of course I cried, I began to regret my decision.
So we are home now and he is almost two weeks old. Time sure flies. he is beginning to fill out... putting on some weight. His family jewels have healed up, thank God for that! He is pretty much on a schedule and feeds every 2-3 hours. My biggest challenge is breast feeding/pumping. Who the heck has time to pump every time the baby eats? Seriously? Between feedings, changing diapers, burping him (this happens to be quite the task/challenge), trying to get sleep myself... then pumping... and to make matters worse, I hardly lactate (doctor said my heat stroke probably had a lot to do with it, not to mention the fact that the baby was early). Regardless, I am determined, I may not pump as frequently as I should but I still try. I don't get enough for a feeding, not even half an ounce :( but what little I can offer my son is good enough for me. I've spent almost two weeks in pajamas, except for 3 days that we went out... 2 for appointments and once to have dinner. Time is flying and before I know it, I will be back to work, and my heart will break.
I love every minute with my son. My life will never be the same, and I wouldn't have it any other way. God has truly blessed me, and I am forever grateful!

No hugs for da thugs...

2011-07-26T19:17:00.011-05:00

(This one's for Missy... 'cause she says I only write about Matthew these days and AS IF SHE HAS EVEN READ A BLOG IN OVER A YEAR... What! Don't act like I don't know)

Nope... no hugs for da thugs, from me anyway. So I get to a patient's apartment today and there were some NASTY looking wanna-be gangstas in a parking area near by (No offense to those who like the gangstas or the cholos.. and this has nothing to do with race... just so happens to be my observation today). No, I didn't get scared, nor did I hang on to my belongings tightly like I do when I go to Mexico (although, that might be a good idea since the patient did say to always lock up and never leave anything that can be stolen in the car), I mean... why should I fear them? They should fear me... They don't call me the "Nutcracker" for nothing! LOL Just kidding, I crack myself up sometimes... OK, so I made the "nutcracker" part up but I am from the Valley, so I'm sure I can scrape up some PSJA (Pharr-San Juan-Alamo) flava and lay it on them. Of course I look, NOT 'cause they're hot, but because their pants are hanging off their asses, my poor eyes are blinded by their ghetto foil paper grillz, and I cant help but wonder if those do-rags cut off circulation to their brain (That's just the nurse in me... What? I'm genuinely concerned). And can someone please explain to me why it is that men and I suppose some women too, who wear their pants at their knees have the need to grab their crotch? I don't desire to see the size of their package, if they really wanted they could ask me to measure it... like I said, I'm a nurse, and what nurse doesn't carry a measuring tape? Would they like me to examine their VD (venereal disease)? Cause I'd rather leave that up to someone else? And they don't just grab it for a second or two, they start walking towards me and keep it in their hand, and of course they got their swag and walk with a limp like they "got shot with a few shells" like 50 cent. Anyways... So no, I definitely wasn't interested in their looks as opposed to all the curiosities that flooded my brain at that moment. I don't mind all saggy pants wearing men... I mean.. I LOOOVE me some Usher and Chino Moreno... just to name a few, but they aren't gross and I suppose it's just a matter of personal preference, but that's just me. Anyhow... since I now live in the country and I dont see any Usher's or Chino's around here, I get to see some nice looking "Wrangler butts". I don't always look at their face 'cause sometimes the teeth scare me (they either don't have any or they are in between orange, brown, and black... They snuff a lot around here... AND AGAIN, IT'S NOT EVERYONE BEFORE ANYONE STARTS TO FEEL OFFENDED) I like to look at a nice smile (and a nice butt), again... that's just my preference.

Back to that patient I was visiting... He has a lot of interesting stories he shares with me, some are scary, some are odd, and some are just way weird (I'm charting while he is yapping away, I really do listen and throw in an "uh huh" or an "oh my word" in every once in a while so he knows I'm listening lol). It's aways a different story. Today was about the prostitute that was getting evicted. So this young woman who has a husband in prison (who, btw, is getting out very soon) has been turning tricks out of her apartment. He sees all kinds of men at all hours of the day go in and out of that apartment. He said he has even seen young boys going going to get serviced. I was curious... so I wanted to see her and see what she looked like, I didn't get to though. He also said that this same woman came over to borrow something one day. From outside his door he said to the woman (wearing a mini tube top dress), you "know...it's not really that hot outside for so little clothes" she apparently got a kick out of it and flashed him. Now, the patient didn't say his reaction to the flash, so I wont comment on that part... but what old man wont get excited about that? Then again, what old man wont get a heart attack from that either? LOL. Anyways, he went on and on with different stories as he usually does, but I only have time for so much and my attention span doesn't allow for too much at one time. I'm sure I'll hear more on the next visit.

Counting down...

2011-07-23T22:12:00.012-05:00

Almost 37 weeks and counting... I cant say I'm "miserable" like I hear most women say throughout pregnancy but with 3 weeks or less to go, I am finally starting to feel "pregnant". By that I mean short of breath, I got the penguin waddle down to the "T", I cant get out of a comfy chair as quick as I used to, I cant see my nether regions, and my calves and ankles merged (so I sport cankles now, don't judge... I like to think of them as Jessica Rabbit legs... you know... from Who framed Roger Rabbit... only I'm a little curvier in more than one place than she is), my hands and feet are swollen, and from what I hear... when baby is getting near, my nose is supposed to puff up as well (at least that's what I was told by the ladies in the office... so I have someone monitoring my face... OK kinda but not really) just to name a few. Oh well, it's just a small price to pay when you look at the big reward in the end.

I had my second baby shower that the wonderful ladies from Jordan Health Services threw for me/Matthew. He got lots of great gifts and the diapers were wonderful, I think I'm set for a good while... I said "I think" 'cause I don't really know how much babies poop and pee, but I'm sure I'll find out pretty soon. My room has has been transformed and accommodates my soon to be new "room-mate", I'm definitely ready for him once he gets the eviction notice from my uterus... I'm hoping sooner than later, not because I don't enjoy being pregnant but because I cant wait to see him and hold him and squeeze him and love him forever and ever :) ... And now I sound like that Elvira character from tiny toons, but that's how I feel, I just love him soooo much already ♥ I don't think I can ever get enough of him. ♥ ♥

On another note, I'm getting a little annoyed with people saying "get ready, your life is never gonna be the same" like it's a bad thing or a threat (some say it in a good way... I guess it's just their tone) and I should be watching out for the"no turning back sign". I'm sorry if kids made their life miserable but having lost my angel several years ago, I consider Matthew a blessing and I'm looking forward to the "no turning back" sign because he is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I've had a great life and my little miracle is going to make it so much better, so no, I don't mind missing my days of partying and up all-nighters, they'll just be a little different. Instead of cocktail parties and clubbing I'll have days of birthday parties and getting chased around with a foam club by my Matthew like Bam Bam from the Flintstones (Notice how I've made many cartoon references? Yup... I've done my research lol), and my up all-nighters will be countless nights round the clock feedings and diaper changes. Maybe I'm just a tad more hormonal these days but it really bothers me that some people make it sound so negative. Even with all my complications, I would do it again in a heartbeat. I just have to ignore them, I know I'm going to be a great mother, I cant say I'll be perfect, but I'll do the best damn job that I can, besides my mother is a great role model and although I'm still not Teague, Tx's biggest fan, I couldn't have made a better decision than being close to my mother.

So until "D-day" gets here (I mean Delivery day NOT DOOM'S DAY), It's more of those bi-weekly doctor's visits (yes, this now includes those highly uncomfortable and painful pelvic exams, UGH). I'm gonna miss feeling him in my tummy the most. I know I've said it before, but I just love to see my stomach move from him rolling around or kick boxing (whatever it is that he is doing in there) the most... It is such an amazing feeling. Oh yeah... did I mention doc says to keep working? With my fluid fluctuations, I was actually hoping he'd say "modified bed rest" or "it's a good idea to stop working now"... but NOOOOO :( he said it'll keep me active, and I suppose it's a good idea to keep those paychecks coming since I'm not fortunate enough to have maternity leave... well, the paid kind anyway. My cousin Amy had her baby a few days before Father's Day, and her doctor told her to stop working 6 weeks before... and that's cause she works just 45 minutes away. I live about an hours drive from the hospital and I drive 45 minutes away in the opposite direction... AND MY PREGNANCY HAS BEEN COMPLICATED... sheesh! lol, yeah, yeah, doc knows best, I'm just jealous cause I'm tired these days, but my job is very accommodating to my appointment schedule, some days I work on days I have appointments (just a little) and some days I don't. I couldn't ask for more!

Showered with love

2011-07-16T19:01:00.003-05:00

My RGV baby shower came and went and if you ask me, we had a pretty good turn out considering many people were on vacation. The best part was that I was able to make it to my shower. Everything was planned out, car was packed, and we were ready to celebrate this baby boy... But there was one thing... I had a doctor's appointment the Thursday we were planning to leave. The original plan was to get out of work around noon and head out to the appointment, then head south to the Valley. All that changed when my dr changed the appointment to first thing in the morning because my amniotic fluid levels began to decline again. I prayed and prayed everything would be fine. My report wasn't great, fluid levels were lower than previously but I was still allowed to travel (my dr wasn't there so his associate gave me the OK not knowing any of my history. I honestly feel my dr would have put me in the hospital and there would have been a baby shower without me). I had strict rules to abide by: push fluids, don't get over-heated, rest as much as possible, and do frequent kick counts. It was impossible to have an enjoyable time feeling so paranoid about the baby's health. Little by little I started to feel the chaos of things not going as planned. I had lots to do and very little help. I started to feel like baby-momma-zilla. Things weren't going my way and at that point I wished I would have done everything myself instead to avoid all that. Like they say, "if you want things done right, do it yourself". Of course, being that I was so far away, there was only so much I could do from a distance, regardless, I was happy and very much appreciative of the help... Anxiousness and impatience got the better part of me for a moment but I quickly regained my composure. The day before the shower I still had a lot of decorations to take care of and had no help whatsoever (mom was at my step brother's house working on her own tasks). I stayed at my dad's house and was appalled that my own step mother didn't offer to help... That is until the day of the baby shower and I was already out of the shower and ready to go. Uhhh... No, I don't need your help! She saw me lifting heavy boxes to take out being that my friend was going to pick them up and take to venue... Not one finger did that woman lift. And she wonders why after 6 years or however long she's been married to my dad and we aren't BFFs. She even had the nerve to show up an hour late. And stayed for only 45 minutes. Anyways... This isn't about her but she just chaps my ass 80% of the time... (She is a great cook so that makes up for the other 20%.) Mom, my friend, my Sis in law, my cousins fiancé, and myself arrive an hour early to set up... The hour quickly passes and we had guests arriving and we weren't completely done setting up, they offered to help and we were very grateful! I forgot to pack the cake knife, the games didn't run as smoothly as I would have liked, I was tired as hell, and so ready for the day to be over, but nonetheless I had a great time seeing family and friends all who are excited about Matthew as I am
The drive back was long and uncomfortable, I hardly had any room and stretching my legs was out of the question. My room went from the usual to super chaotic. I tried organizing as much as I could but with little space and so much of Matthew's things I was starting to panic. I had an appointment the next day and had to prepare for the worst being that my fluid levels kept decreasing. I tried cleaning up and arranging as much as I could cause in my mind, I'd probably be having a baby the next day (considering all the circumstances) my bag packed and Matthew's hospital bag ready as well... turns out I didn't need them... At least not yet! Things are looking up, just hoping they stay that way for a little longer. Of course I want to see my precious baby boy, I just don't want him to have any complications from coming too soon.
I retuned to work (doc says it'll keep me active, so no bed rest for me... And no getting off work early... Awww shux! Lol JK) and with paperwork up the whazoo (I don't know how everyone else finishes so early :-/ makes me miss my previous job with PSA) and not waking up till 9AM, I haven't had time until today to get all of Matthews belongings situated and my room cleaned out. I set up the bouncer yesterday and the diaper genie today... Let me tell you I had the hardest time setting up that diaper pail thing... 2 freakin' steps and it took me forever! I couldn't get the hinge to lock but no worries, I got it! Lol! And my room looks 90% better. YAY!
The kind ladies at work are throwing me/Matthew a baby shower on Wednesday so I'm excited for that too. I didn't plan one here in town since I don't know many people but I am very grateful that they thought about us, it was a nice surprise when they told me. :D
So for now just work and bi-weekly appointments till my Matthew gets here. I couldn't be happier :D

Shy Guy

2011-06-30T22:19:00.006-05:00

This week started my bi-weekly appointments which means I have to make the hour (OK... almost an hour) drive to Waco to have my OB check-ups. I seriously HATE the drive, not 'cause I go alone these days but because I want to just pull over and take a nap. No, I wont pass out on the way, just saying... but if anyone knows me, I'm the type who gets in a vehicle and passes out when I'm not the one driving. I think I was one of those babies that was driven around to get to shut up and go to sleep lol. Matthew is pretty calm when I drive around... maybe he'll be like me in that way too. Anyhow, so I go to my appointments so they can make sure Matthew is doing well. They do a biophysical profile (has two parts; ultrasound and a non stress test) that basically measures the baby's health, they monitor his heart rate with a non-stress test and they do the sono, in which they monitor the fluid around the baby (my biggest problem right now), movements, breathing, among other things. In a nutshell, they basically score the quality of life in the womb vs. outside the womb. So far so good in the oven even though our biggest concern is the fluid levels (normal but barely) which, as I mentioned previously, I lost a lot of during Memorial weekend. Anyhow, They weighed Matthew today and he is at a healthy 4 lbs 10 oz... that's good for his gestational age... at least I think that is... I read my chart today and it said 37th percentile... So, I'm just glad he isn't HUGE or underdeveloped. My favorite part of the testing is that I get to see him on the screen. So the sonographer said, "YAY! He is still a boy"... Umm... I would hope so. As usual he was covering his face, this time with both hands (what a shy little guy) so I didn't even get to see his face... and that meant no pics for me today... and speaking of... I'm getting a little spoiled with the sono pics... Most people are lucky if they get two or three opportunities to see their baby... Well, my pregnancy is complicated, so I guess I have special privileges. I just wish I could get a really awesome 4-d picture, but the limited amount of fluid around his face prevents a clear picture ;( I'm just happy knowing my baby is safe and healthy... and that I get to see him twice a week now. I think it's funny when I'm sitting in the NST (non stress test) room and I over hear people's conversations... It's a row of 5 or 6 recliners where they hook the mom up to the monitors... The other day this young couple was talking and apparently they both worked at H-E-B... So the boyfriend asks the girl... so when do you plan on going back to work? The girl says... OMG, I'm still pregnant, how do you expect me to go back... lol. I asked her how far along she was a while later... 22 weeks... SERIOUSLY! LOL I went back to work after a freakin' heat stroke. And today... this girl goes in with her mom and two other girls (her mom was popping pills and looked a little high lol) the older girl of the two started talking about the pregnant girls stretch marks and said "OMG that looks ugly... I'm getting someone to have my baby", then she asks... "EEWWW, what's that mark in the middle of your stomach... ugh... that's so nasty" lol. Then she goes on to say that when she has her baby (yeah, I know... what happened to her having someone to have her baby?) she wants it recorded and she doesn't care who's up in her "junk" and that she wants a mirror to see. I'm just glad I got moved to the sono room shortly after that, not sure how much more of that idiot I could tolerate... What an airhead... SERIOUSLY... and she was 21 or 22.
Things are moving along with the baby shower... 9 more days. I get to go home and hopefully see everyone again. I really want to go to the beach but anytime I mention that I want to do something I get scolded like a two year old... "Now... You know... you're not doing anything that weekend... You better not even sit outside." Hello! as if I didn't learn my lesson... I'm not about to jeopardize my baby again (and it's not like last time was even on purpose... it just happened cause it was so freakin' hot and apparently I'm not used to the heat anymore). Today at dinner I just mentioned how I would love to go swimming and I heard an ear full... It's not like I was really gonna go, I don't even take a bath in the tub (mostly cause I feel like a whale these days). I know everyone is concerned so I might as well just not say anything that is gonna get me in trouble. Oh well...
After this week... 6 more weeks to go... I'm starting to feel a little apprehensive. Yes, I'm excited but waaaay nervous at the same time. I guess that's expected and I know I'm not the only one. I try not to think about it much because it doesn't do me any good. Doc said 50/50 chance of a c-section... I guess maybe that's the statistic for everyone... I haven't asked. It's all just a little overwhelming and while I am very excited, I still cant believe in a few short weeks my life will be completely changed for the better. AND I WILL BE A MOM! I never would have thought it... I see all his baby clothes and it seems unreal... It's like I'm 5 again and I'm buying clothes for my doll. I've purchased diapers and they are so small... they smell like baby... and then I think... "well, they wont smell like baby after he poops" lol. I smelled a can of formula the other day and thought that it smelled like baby vomit, or you know how there are some stinky babies cause their milk sits in the folds of the neck when they spill and the parents don't clean it (I don't know about y'all, but I know a few). Anyway, there is still time to get accustomed to all that, for now, I'm gonna try and enjoy the rest of my pregnancy. I think I'm gonna miss feeling him move inside of me the most even, when it hurts. There were times where I didn't feel him moving and it was a scary thought thinking something could be wrong, even now, if he doesn't move when I wake up, I get paranoid.. but I've chilled out a bit 'cause I know he sleeps too . I told Matthew I wouldn't complain if he hurt me as long as I felt him move... I'd rather feel something that nothing at all. I cant explain what it feels like... but it' a gift, and I am ever so grateful! <3

Oh Baby, baby, baby...

2011-06-26T22:27:00.007-05:00

OK, I'm really not gonna bust out singing to Justin Bieber's (however you spell it) song, although the song is quite catchy. I have to admit I've gotten lazy keeping everyone updated on the latest 411... What can I say other than I am hella exhausted. The last few weeks have been less than favorable but things have definitely turned around... for the better. So apparently I had a heat stroke/heat exhaustion over Memorial weekend... As if I didn't know the RGV sucks the life out of you... literally. I sweat like a pig the entire weekend and didn't replenish my fluids, unfortunately that ended up taking from Matthew's amniotic fluid. My poor baby was kicking around in a puddle. It started with a severe migraine that was originally thought was caused by increased cerebral spinal fluid... and after what felt like 20 spinal taps and little relief from the pain, it was discovered to be a dehydration migraine. I had an OB for a follow up ( I had just started feeling better and ready to get back to work) where it was discovered that my amniotic fluid was low, VERY LOW. I was admitted to the hospital and then transferred via helicopter to Austin where I was told to prepare for the worst... Baby Matthew was to be delivered at 28 weeks. I tried to be strong and broke down a couple times; I wasn't prepared to have a baby I couldn't take home, much less a baby I couldn't hold for over a week... And not to mention, I still haven't purchased all the much needed baby stuff (crib, car seat, stroller... all the good stuff). Let's just say I wasn't prepared. Being a nurse, I've seen babies in the NICU, which are quite resilient, but when it's your baby all your nursing skills and knowledge go out the window. Miraculously, the day after I was flown in to Austin my amniotic fluid had doubled (still dangerously low but didn't warrant an emergency delivery). I was kept on a modified bed rest (I could only get up to use the RR) and had IV's and monitors attatched. So in all, two weeks in an out of the hospital sucked the big one. I'm just glad to be out with Matthew still baking in the oven. I couldn't have done it with out my mom by my side... she truely is a angel. While I was knocked out on Ambien, mom was awaken each time the nurse came in to check on me, labs were due, or baby snuck away from the monitor... which was just about every hour. She was pretty much sleep deprived for three weeks checking up on me in the middle of the night even when we were home. I'm proud to be her daughter and I'm lucky to have her. We've got a couple more weeks to go till I get to hold my precious baby boy! Things obviously are looking up now, I have appointments bi-weekly now, meaning I have to drive almost an hour twice a week (AND THE GAS... UGH!) to see the doc, but as long as I know my baby is being monitored and doing well, I wont complain more than I already have. I still haven't made all the important baby purchases, and I'm not sure what I'm waiting on... but me and procrastination go hand in had... Guess I didn't learn from the big scare :-/
So the last RGV trip made me a little homesick... well not homesick per say, but it made my miss all my friends and family. Home didn't seem quite like home anymore since my room didn't even have a trace of my existence... Not even one. Everything was taken out the back guest/storage room and even though they were my belongings, they didn't even feel like mine. I didn't miss them... I guess I just moved on, I mean... what else are you supposed to do. That's life. Spending time with everyone was nice, even if it was just for a bit. Leaving was easier than I thought, especially since I woke up with that horrible migraine that lasted two weeks. I get to see everyone again in a few weeks for my baby shower but knowing how fragile I apparently have become to the RGV heat, I know I cant do much but stay indoors and drink lots of fluids; My baby's health and safety come first now and considering I dont want my brain to become cesos rancheros again, I'll definitely avoid being out too much. I wish we didn't have to travel for the shower but truth of the matter is everyone lives too far away to come here and well, I don't really know anyone here. I guess I don't make friends well... I don't play well with others... LOL JK, I guess I just haven't felt the need to socialize. Mom and I worked on some baby shower decorations today... they look super cute if you ask me... what can I say ;)
OOOOHHH! I got new pics of Matthew. The 4d pic didn't come out too clear since the fluid is low around his face but he is still the most handsome baby boy if you ask me. I got to see his family jewels again and I even got a pic of his foot (it's a big foot lol). We got a 15 minute video as well, it shows him breathing which is really cool... you can see his ribs moving in and out with each little breath. GOSH... I am soooo in love with this baby. How is it possible to love someone so much when you have never even met them before? So I'm gonna post the new pics and call it a night.

(yeah... it's sideways)

Time's a flyin'

2011-05-14T09:48:00.005-05:00

I cant believe how fast time is going. Before I know it, Baby Matthew will be here (in roughly 11 weeks)... I don't think I'm ready just yet, besides, I'm barely starting to enjoy my pregnancy. Of course, I still have a million and one fears that go through my head everyday and the fact that I am such a hypochondriac seriously doesn't help, but I've learned to appreciate and enjoy this little piece of heaven.

I'm still eating too much :-/ and gaining too much... That reminds me, my grandpa calls me to check up on me and the baby and the other day he called and out of nowhere he asked if I was getting fat lol, I said yes... He reminded me of my Grammy... she was always concerned about my weight, and everyone else's lol. I remember the last night I was with her at the hospital before she passed away. She was on Bi-pap since her O2 Sats were very low so she couldn't speak, well I couldn't hear her and didn't want her to take off her mask, I told her I loved her and that I would check on her in the morning, both she and I knew that she probably wouldn't make it till the morning so she gave me a hug, we shed a tear or two trying to be strong, and she pat my tummy... I said, I know, I know... I'll watch my weight while rolling my eyes and grinning from ear to ear realizing that was the last thing she would ever tell me... Gosh, I miss her so much, it will be 2 years 9/11 and it still feels like yesterday. I wish she could be here to see Matthew, and the two other babies our family has been blessed with (Cousin Amy having a boy, and Cousin Melissa having a girl). Anyhow, grandpa really reminded me of grandma when he said that... it's just funny because that wasn't something I expected him to say or ask lol. Oh well, no offense taken, I've gained weight, it is what it is.

I did a little shopping today, even though I said I wasn't going to. I even shopped for myself, I bought some comfort sandals that I had been wanting... and some sneakers for work (last week). I actually feel kind of guilty for spending on myself, but I think I needed them, especially because my legs have been swelling like crazy (my BP is good so no worries yet). Speaking of swelling, seems like everything else is growing too... I'm starting to feel like a cow. I woke up this morning thanking God I didn't have utters between my legs, LOL. So the chafing I mentioned previously has stopped, partly due to the Lady Anti-Monkey Butt (Makes me laugh every time) and partly cause I stopped wearing those wretched maternity underwear. Yes, I still wear underwear, just not those... I'm back to my old faithfuls, but they are either starting to roll down in the front or ride up in the back... but all is good, cause NO CHAFING! Enough with the TMI...

I am still feeling very exhausted, I go to work and back and all I wanna do is take a nap. I did start walking like I mentioned I would (just not everyday so I don't think that helps much) I've been shopping more so that kinda counts lol. But yes... I am EXHAUSTED... WARNING DISCLAIMER: You do not want to wake up next to me, wake me up, or be in my path after a nap. Do so at your own risk. No, I don't wake up looking scary or with fiery dragon breath (but I do suffer from both occasionally in the morning lol, just being honest), I have been waking up with a bad mood from hell. I think it has to do with the fact that my mind is already refreshed from the nap, but my body isn't. It takes me a while to snap out of it... thankfully, I don't wake up like that in the morning, at least for my patients' sake. Speaking of naps/sleep, I'm ready to hit the sack and start a new week. P.S. I don't like Mondays :-/

Happy Mother's Day

2011-05-08T18:24:00.009-05:00

<-- My beautiful Momma

This has probably been the best Mother's Day EVER! Not for me (I don't count yet) but just the fact that I got to spend it with my mother, something I hadn't been able to do in such a long time. Sending cards and gifts across the miles just isn't the same as spending quality mother/daughter time. I've been spoiling my mom for the past two weeks, so in all, I'd have to say this has probably been the best Mother's Day she has ever had... well since before my brother and I left home and we got to spend it all together. I had plans to visit my hometown this weekend but many factors played into not making the trip... besides the fact that all I wanna do is sleep the minute I sit my butt down in a vehicle. With no one helping me drive the 8-9 hour trip (depends on traffic and potty breaks) along with bills, saving up for my little bundle of joy, and of course THE FACT THAT IT'S MOTHER'S DAY, I decided not to go. Unfortunately I cant make everyone happy and this weekend my mother was my priority. I would have loved to have been there to see my family and friends but I had to make a choice. Mom and I spent the whole day together yesterday and we had such a great time. We hadn't spent alone time practically the entire time I've been here... well, she has been accompanying me on my doctor's visits but those are usually stressful for me and well, we usually just do lunch, if that.

Our day started off kind of late, I've been feeling very exhausted so I woke up Saturday morning around 9 am. We went to look at some stuff for my baby shower, had lunch at Peter Piper Pizza (guess we were both just in the mood... I swear you'd say she is the pregnant one with all the cravings lol), we relaxed with mother/daughter mani/pedi's, and then she got to do a little shopping for her self. I've been needing new sneakers for work but yet again, I managed to not spend a penny on myself... well, besides lunch and the mani/pedi. At the end of the day, mom treated me to some Coldstone ice cream YUM. We were both tuckered out, me with my swollen and aching feet and what felt like waddling to each new destination and mom limping from pain (she is still not 100% after her surgery a year and a half ago). I cant complain... the day was great and being with my mom was the best. We had plans for church this morning, which was very nice followed by breakfast at a Mexican restaurant. We pretty much came home and spent the day here. We had other plans that fell through... someone (and I wont mention any names, but I will say was not my mother or myself) was being Oscar the Grouch. I get in a bad mood easily so that set me off. I cant stand when people shit on my parade, if you wanna have a pity party don't invite me!

Anyhow, besides the grump, my weekend was awesome! I even got an early mother's day gift, A SWEDISH MASSAGE. Nope, it wasn't a full body massage but more like an abdominal massage, lol, Baby Matthew is taking after his great grandma Minnie and has already picked up some massage therapy skills in utero. I can only imagine what he will be like when he is 4 and all I have to say is rub Mamma's feet and I'll give you a dollar... but I don't want to speed up time, I want to enjoy every minute of him when he gets here.

I may not be a mommy yet, but I have celebrated this day in my own special way for the past 5 years. My little Angel is always in my heart and there is never a day that I forget. I often wonder what life would be like, but God has a reason for everything and it's not for me to ask why, but rather to accept and know my Angel had a divine purpose.

The Cat's out of the Bag

2011-04-25T20:56:00.012-05:00

I mentioned previously that I was afraid to tell my bosses at work that I am expecting. During my first week of office training, I swore I heard something along the lines of a pregnant woman being turned away... as it turns out, I guess I was just paranoid. There is a saying in Spanish, "el sordo no oye pero compone", translating to “the deaf man can’t hear, but he can make it up.” I was so focused on my testing/training and worried that I wouldn't get hired because I was pregnant that I guess I heard what I wanted to hear... you know how that goes. Well it turns out some people from work had already found out but that's life in a small town. Unfortunately word got out on Facebook, It apparently was one of my mom's acquaintances since I don't know anyone in town, nor did I tell anyone. Well you know people... they like to talk. I was more than furious, I will say though, if I wasn't pregnant, I would really give this town something to talk about. Anyhow, my bosses were fine with it, so they said. They expressed to me everything was OK, thankfully, it was. I felt so dumb after the fact, I went into talk to my boss after our weekly meeting and I started tearing up in the office lol. It's the hormones. I hate that I am more emotional that ever. I'm just glad I don't have anything hanging over my head anymore. Work continues to go well. I wish I was better/more efficient at the paperwork but I know that all comes in due time.

Speaking of due time... going on 25 weeks. 15 weeks and 2 days to go Wow! Time sure goes by fast, I just wish I could enjoy it more rather than being worried all the time. We started to shop a little, mostly for baby shower stuff and it's pretty exciting. I bought some baby shoes and a little onsie, oh, and a couple of blankies. I think I will definitely wait till later to do more shopping. The idea of having a baby is finally starting to set in but I'm still a little in denial lol. I guess it really wont hit me till he's here. I think calling him by his name is definitely helping... Matthew... Music to my ears <3 <3 <3 Heartburn has become my worst enemy. Everything and I mean EVERYTHING gives me heartburn even water. UGH! There's an old wives's tale that if you get a lot of heartburn, the baby will have lots of hair when it's born. Well, I don't know about that but time will tell. Tum's and I and BFF's these days. Baby's moving around a lot. Especially when my mom barges into my room, shakes my belly and starts singing to him. He is definitely a lot like me so far, he is up late and likes to sleep in but since I have to wake up early for work... well, let's just say we're both not happy campers. I finally got my 4-D sonogram. If that wasn't the most beautiful sight I have ever seen, I don't know what is. When I see the image, I can see two different things, one with his profile, mouth closed and then another with the mouth open and slightly higher with a tiny nose between the his eyes (the second option is kind of scary... so Ill just go with the first one where his mouth is closed) They didn't exactly tell me, and well, I didn't exactly ask, I was just so happy to see him. He had his hand tucked under his chin (just not in the picture) ADORABLE! What can I say? That's my baby. So he is definitely a boy and I couldn't be happier. I just need to sit back and enjoy the rest of this pregnancy instead of being such a hypochondriac. The specialist looked at all his organs and said so far good. They want to monitor his heart closely so, I have another appointment with the specialist in a month and with my regular OB, in two weeks. I saw his kidneys, his the four chambers in his heart, his brain, his spine, feet, and hands. The doctor said his foot was over his head (wow his is just as limber as me lol, well I'm not so much these days). When the specialist took over, this little baby boy gave him a hard time. He moved too much at my 7 week sono to get a good measurement, he moved way too much at my 10 week sono (the doctor almost gave up, but after 50 minutes of pushing on my full bladder and almost having an accident, we got his measurements), When we found out his sex, he didn't want to cooperate, and yet again with this appointment. Mom says he is shy, I say he is just as stubborn as I am... Lord help me!

While I couldn't be happier that I'm having a baby, I am starting to feel self-conscious, something I RARELY had an issue with. I am gaining way too much weight. I don't fit in any pre-pregnancy clothes so I went maternity clothes shopping a while back. I thought it would be a good idea to get some maternity underwear. I spent 45 bucks on new panties and I HATE THEM! Motherhood sure has expensive stuff and the quality is not so good, In my opinion. I like that the pants cinch at the waist (when I'm not wearing them) so it looks as if my waist is the width of my leg (makes me feel good lol), and then there are the maternity underwear. My new underwear look like parachutes :-/ Why cant they have that cool elastic thing around the waist too? As it is I already have a complex about my weight gain. My face looks fatter, I feel like I have three necks, my feet feel like they have grown a size, I cant see my crotch, and my thighs rub together now (not good). We all know what happens when your thighs rub... yup, chaffing. I think it's a combination of thunder thighs and my new horrible underwear. It just baffles me that Motherhood cant even make seamless underwear. They literally feel like the .99 cent panties on the clearance rack at Walmart, CHEAP. Anyhow, Mom and I went to Tractor Supply Company and Guess what I saw... Lady Anti Monkey Butt LOL

I thought it was the funniest thing ever and I just had to try it out, it's for chaffing and has calamine lotion but in a silky, powdery form. It smells nice lol. I was going to get the KY anti-chaffing/silkening lotion but I saw this one first. It was this, or not wearing any panties at all. I think I'd rather wear underwear, besides I don't want to give Paris Hilton and Lindsey Lohan competition. I'd win hands down... Just saying. lol. So we'll see how this powder goes.

TEARS OF JOY

2011-04-15T18:19:00.009-05:00

Yesterday (4-14-2011) probably has been the best and worst day of my life... OK, so I tend to exaggerate a bit (JUST A BIT) but it definitely was the best day of my life. I had been anticipating my prenatal visit with my new maternal-fetal specialist for over a month. My mother and I got off of work early so we could make my 1430 appointment. I could hardly sleep the night before and I wasn't sure if I should be anxious or elated... anxious because at my last appointment I had blood work for Down's-Syndrome screening for the baby (who wouldn't be nervous about that?) I get to my appointment just to be told the MFS did not make it in for the week. He comes from Austin, Tx two days out of the month. My heart sank and my claws came out. we had just driven about 40 minutes to get to my doctor's office and I hadn't received a call at home nor to my cell. I understand the clerk was just the messenger, but I just about ate her up and spit her out. I said I had driven all that way and I demanded to see someone. All she could say was sorry and I had a smart ass response for every excuse she had. I kinda made a scene (but only the people in line could hear, I don't raise my voice). I spoke to the manager, (I was just about to spit the "I am gonna have a BF and write a letter" line from White Chicks. Due to the high risk nature of my pregnancy, I am supposed to get seen every two weeks. As it is, I had already gone a month without being seen. So needless to say I got my way, I got to see my baby despite the fact that my blood pressure went up to 140, that is pretty high. I started to shake from anger and frustration and as soon as they said, "go have a seat and we will call you in, we fit you in", I started to cry... 'cause I'm a big baby and that's how I deal with my emotions. I gave up on finding out the sex and just faced the fact that I probably had to wait another two weeks. As soon as I heard my baby's heartbeat I felt at ease. I had a heart to heart with my regular OB and my mom said we were so excited to find out the sex only to be disappointed. He said will that make you happy, we both said YES!!! :D. And of course I started to cry again... I suppose I could blame all the crying on the pregnancy hormones but I'd only be kidding myself, I've always been the emotional one LOL. We didn't get a detailed sono but we got to find out the sex... they even gave my mom a pic too! Well... WE'RE HAVING A BOY!!! I couldn't be any happier... and of course I cried again, and again, and again LOL.

On another note... I just got home about 30 minutes ago with my "new to me" car. No more hopping in to the passenger seat rolling around to get to the driver's side with a pregnant belly scraping my elbows on the upholstery. My car is little, nothing fancy, but it will get me too and from work, does great on gas, I don't have to enter the passenger's side, it's been very well maintained, and I can go on and on, but the best perk is NO PAYMENT! I paid it all up front. I used up all my savings so I've got about 80 bucks left to get me through. Luckily they filled up my tank so I'm good to go. Oh yeah... so today was my first pay day and my direct deposit hasn't kicked in yet, unfortunately, that means I have to wait for my check to come in the mail. Boohoohoo for me. I was so ready to go shopping.

The Worst Week EVER!!!

2011-04-12T21:17:00.006-05:00

So much has gone on this week and well, part of last week. For starters we all (our household) got sick. It started with my mother having a respiratory virus that turned into a full blown sinus infection. It hit her pretty bad she missed an entire week of work. I don't think she has EVER missed a week of work, OK, well except for when she had her spinal fusion last January. She finally started feeling better when I started feeling bad. It began with post nasal drip causing a sore throat and then the symptoms hit me all at once. I pretty much spent the whole weekend in bed, the one symptom I didn't get was loss of appetite. I was kinda hoping for that one LOL (not really). I still wasn't feeling well so I called in on Monday, yup... two weeks into my new job and I already called in sick. Let me tell you though, I seriously needed it. And so the cycle continues... Now that I am feeling better (sort of) my step dad is as sick as a dog... LITERALLY! Men are such babies LOL. But on a serious note, he is pretty sick. I just hope this passes soon so I can take him for his "Dino-Steak" with my first pay check, he took me so I guess now it's my turn to treat lol. So on top of being sick, now my truck happens to be quite pissed off at me. My truck and I have this awesome relationship. She hardly gives me any problems except for being a gas guzzler. I consider her my life saver. With my driving track record and all the vehicles I've totalled, this is the one that has lasted me the longest... besides, I feel safe. It's like a train. Cold, semi-shiny metal (She last lost most of her luster LOL) and compared to all these fiberglass vehicles, I feel safe. I've had this truck for many years now and I have a hard time parting with her. "Her" or "Him" whatever, I think men give me more problems so I consider my truck a "her". Anyhow... with this new job and driving about a 100+ miles a day and with gas quickly rising to $4 a gallon, I am considering getting a small economical car. I wasn't planning on going and getting myself into debt, just something to get me through the year until my baby comes... then on to bigger and better things. I must say... I WASN'T EVEN CONSIDERING GETTING RID OF MY TRUCK... besides, who knows when you need a second vehicle, or a truck for that matter. Anyhow, my aunt told me about a car her friend has for sale so I drove over to my aunt's house and waited for her friend to get out of work. You wouldn't believe what happened... I was walking to my truck to go check out this car and my door will not open... ARE YOU FREAKIN' KIDDING ME??? It's stuck, and I mean, I can force it open but I will really mess up the body, the door is rubbing on the front fender or whatever you call it (as you can see I'm not a mechanic therefore I don't know parts, except for the ones I really need to know). I'm apparently the only one who appreciates my truck. My mom and brother are embarassed to be seen in it. They call it the "mojo" truck. It's a derogatory term used to describe Mexicans who cross the river. Anyway, I'll spare the details... And I'm Hispanic, Mexican, whatever you wanna call me, so yes, I can use the term. Anyways... so now I have to get into my truck through the passenger side... now that's ghetto. LOL, I'm actually quite embarrassed now. So now more than ever I want this car because I don't want to be seen climbing in and out of the passenger's side and sliding over to the driver's side all because my freakin' truck is pissed off at me for going to look at another vehicle. Now that's a bitch! lol. If climbing in and out like that isn't bad enough, try adding a baby bump. Not fun!

So as if all that wasn't bed enough, today has had to be the worst day in my entire nursing career. I've been up to my elbows in shit, literally... and I'm a nurse so I could handle it. I've seen blood and guts, and smelled things I wouldn't wish anyone to smell... melena is pretty bad, and so is gangrene. Anyway, so I'm starting to spread my wings with the company and instead of shadowing I get to do patient visits now with supervision of course. I was forewarned about the living conditions of this patient. Her home is pretty much condemned and APS has been called several times but they don't do anything. Her home is INFESTED with roaches. There are four dogs living in the home that are never taken out so they do their business on the carpet. The home smells horrible, I almost gagged... and that's cause my sinuses are stuffed and my breathing is compromised. It was horrible. With in two or three minutes of stepping into her home, roaches fall on me from the ceiling... one fell in my blouse and into my bra. I tried so hard to maintain my composure and not scream while trying to get these bugs off of me. The other nurse helped me but I couldn't find the one that landed in my bra. Sorry bug, I don't plan on taking you home and buying you a diamond leash and keeping you as my pet. I DON'T THINK SO! I had the heebie jeebies all day, I felt itchy and felt critters crawling all over me. We pulled into a gas station where I ran to the bathroom and stripped to shake off my clothes. I never found the roach so I still feel the crawlies all over me. GROSS! This week is not even half way done yet but there is only one thing that will make this week so work it... TWO MORE DAYS UNTIL MY SONO!

Oh Baby!

2011-04-04T21:28:00.010-05:00

10 days and counting till I get to see my little one again, hopefully on a 4d sonogram. I'm keeping my fingers crossed this baby wont be as stubborn as I am and give me a little peep show so we can find out the gender. I am sooo excited I've been counting down since my last appointment. I've come to realize the more I count down, the longer the wait is. What is helping is that I get to work now, so that means I am not at home bored all day and my mind is occupied. Everyone apparently says this baby is a girl... I say, "who knows". Perhaps it's time for another girl. I'm surrounded by boys... all the great grand children on my paternal side are boys except for Miah... and on my maternal side... Damn... there are too many grandchildren to count, forget counting the great grand children lol, I lost track years ago... but there are lots of boys. I honestly don't care, this baby is a gift, and boy or girl, I am grateful. All I can pray for is a healthy baby with ten fingers and ten little toes.

I've finally reached the half way mark... 21 weeks today and little by little I am starting to "feel" pregnant. Aside from the weight gain, I've managed to grow cankles... Oh Joy! As much as I have to run to the bathroom, I'm surprised there is enough fluid to stay in my legs and feet. Fortunately, blood pressure is good so no problems there. I hadn't had any swelling so I think the culprit was that half bag of pistachios I ate... which also gave me my first bout of pregnancy induced heartburn. Indigestion really sucks :-/

Work is going great. Since I still haven't mentioned I'm expecting, bathroom trips during ride alongs can get really tricky. Fortunately I've been with two nurses who pee just as much as I do. We literally make a potty break after every patient visit... yay for me! I don't know what their excuses are since they are roughly my age, but I blame mine on the tea... ;) Speaking of bathroom urgencies... Why is it that every time we go have family dinner and my step father drives, he ALWAYS makes a detour? AND I MEAN ALWAYS. I know the urgencies can come on rather quickly so I ask before we leave, "are we going straight home"? The answer is always yes and then he decides to take a scenic route when the baby decides my bladder is a trampoline. Men! I just about wet my pants and I was one more bump in the dirt road from asking him to stop so I could pop a squat.

Speaking of bouncing baby... This little body high-jacker is quite the "Ultimate Lightweight Championship kick boxer". I love to just feel him or her move inside of me. While it feels like an alien body snatcher has invaded my uterus, I can just sit or lay in awe while it karate chops away. How can something so small (about 10 inches head to toe and about 11 oz) be so strong? I can already feel some of the movements when I place my hand on my abdomen. I don't know about other babies but mine is probably gonna be the next super hero LOL ;)

As far as other pregnancy symptoms, I cant really complain. I can eat apples now and actually enjoy them (anyone who knows me, knows I HATED apples unless they were chamomanzanas- apples coated in chamoy candy). I cant say I "crave" them but I can see one, eat it, and enjoy it. My mom apparently has the munchies... She eats a lot of Cheetos LOL. Smells don't bother me so I can pretty much eat anything... but sometimes I'll pass on meat if it's in a soup or something. I am actually concerned about my weight gain, I suppose I should start exercising even though I say I am going to start every day, and I don't ;(. This next doctor's appointment will have elapsed a period of a month between visits. Usually my visits are every two weeks, I guess Doc thought I was doing well. So I've been dwelling on my weight gain. During one of our bathroom breaks today, I saw a scale... it said I lost twenty pounds. What a waste of a quarter. I knew it was impossible. I had to make a Wal-mart run today so I went to the scale isle and weigh myself. Bad news... I gained too much. Sheesh. It's impossible to only gain 15 pounds during 9 months when you're hungry all the time. I am seriously hoping I get a late case of "all day sickness" so I can lose a couple pounds lol. JK. I'm not a bulimic but it sounded good for a moment. OK, it really didn't but I guess I should really start exercising. Blah. If it's best for the baby, it shouldn't be that much to sacrifice.

I'm hoping the rest of this pregnancy goes well. Ive had minor complications and have a long road ahead of me still but with a few sacrifices, I hope for the best.

Cyn-Cyn got her groove back

2011-03-28T19:17:00.014-05:00

I am so thrilled to be working again. I guess you could say I was DONE living off the fat of the land and I desperately wanted to get back into the workforce. Today was my first day and although orientation sucks, it's really the easiest money you can make. I cant complain of the 7 hours I spent straining my eyes with the computer screen, I wont complain of the countless exams I had to take (and I'm not even done yet), I think I could even feel my neurons moving across my synapses lol. OK so the HIPPA, PHI, and OSHA stuff is really boring, but getting NCLEX style questions really got my brain going. I swear I lost millions of brain cells watching TV, something I RARELY did. I didn't bring my nursing books so I didn't have anything educational to review so any news or updates I got from my nursing friends was my only stimulation LOL. Anyhow, my day went great and since I finished all but three exams, I get to go in at whatever time tomorrow to complete them. I think I'm gonna go after lunch... I'm not such a morning person. I guess I should get used to it with a baby on the way but for now, if I don't have to wake up at 7, I WONT!

During one of my exams, while I was deep in thought, I swear that I heard someone say that a pregnant woman came in to fill out an application and they told her there were no openings. I could have misheard, like I said, I was really focused so I'm not 100% sure. Technically there aren't any full time positions open, just PRN or "as needed" (the company needs nurses for the area but being it is a small town that covers a large area, they leave the "full-time" positions for the larger cities or something like that... and I don't really care, I need the flexibility). I didn't tell them I was expecting and well, they didn't ask... my intention is not to be deceitful, however I just didnt want to compromise getting hired.

I feel so much better now that I have a job... OK, so I've only worked one day, but to feel like you have a purpose is indescribable. I enjoyed not working for a week or two, but having bills to pay with no income coming in definitely takes it's toll. Not only that, you start (well I did) to feel somewhat depressed being at home all day. I respect stay at home moms and wives but I can honestly say, I don't think it's for me... at least not in the country LOL. Give me places to go and people to see and a nice allowance, and I'm good to go. Seriously though, I enjoy being a nurse, I love to help others... that is after all, my purpose in life.

I pray the enthusiasm lasts long, and when it doesn't, that means it's time for a change. There is nothing I despise more than an irritated and miserable nurse who stays in a position for the money. One thing I've learned in my short experience, never do something for the money... you really do work your butt off and the more money you make, the more responsibility and liability that comes with your job.

So yes, I got my groove back. I am no longer pity party Cyn-Cyn. I cant wait for my first pay check :D

Things are Looking up

2011-03-23T22:21:00.003-05:00

For the past two months I've been moping around feeling sorry for myself because my only friend in town is my mom and I miss my friends and family back home, but truth of the matter is, life is what you make of it. Yes, I complain day after day that I am bored, but I suppose that is what I choose. I have family in town, but I CHOOSE not to spend time with them. If I'm bored and I need a breather, I can drive around and familiarize myself with the area, but I CHOOSE not too because my truck is a gas guzzler and with my savings at a dangerous low and gas prices as they are I CHOOSE not to be wasteful. My friends are only a phone call away and yet, I CHOOSE not to call (mostly because it's hard and I miss them like crazy and these pregnancy hormones do not help). It isn't as bad as I make it for myself, well, it doesn't have to be... that, or I'm really getting used to it here. I've come to realize that perhaps I wasn't ready for this place just yet, it's very slow paced and I feel completely out of my element, but that is the beauty of this place at the same time. I loved this place when I lived back home, I came here to see my mom and to escape the hustle and bustle of my life, and now I have it all the time. Why am I complaining? I guess I just had a lot of soul searching to do... I cant say I wont complain of boredom, but there is so much more to be grateful for.
On another note, Spring break came and went. It was no different than any other day. I guess my days of partying just might be over lol. I guess that is not such a big sacrifice since I've had about 11 years post high school to get all that out of my system. We went into town a couple times, I finally had some sushi (cooked rolls of course) and I had my Starbucks fix (it wasn't as great as I expected). We went to Austin to visit my step brothers and their families... nope, no partying down 6th St. I was the first one to call it a night. I also bought my first pair of maternity pants and needless to say, I wasn't in such a cheerful mood.
I had follow up with the doctor and the baby is doing fine. Unfortunately, because I have to see a specialist, I will have to wait another month to see him and God willing, we will learn the baby's sex. I started recognizing the baby's kicks about two and half weeks ago. I felt him or her before, but I always second guessed myself thinking it was gas or something. But I know for sure now. Apparently this baby is going to be like me, a night owl. I tend to feel more of the movements at night which tells me it's awake. According to my baby calendar, babies start to form a sleeping pattern by now. Uh oh, this means I'm gonna have some loooong nights. Hopefully that changes soon. One thing that is really starting to annoy the crap out of me is night time. It takes me a good twenty to thirty minutes to get comfortable and when I finally do, I have to pee. Then it starts all over again, I toss and turn until I get comfy, then I have to pee. I find myself asking this baby, Really??? Are you freakin' kidding me? And yes... then it kicks me in the bladder, on purpose. My mom asked me if it is finally starting to feel real... It really hasn't hit me yet. I hear the heart beat and I now feel the movements, and I'm starting to feel excited, but it really isn't real to me yet. Mom goes crazy when we go into stores and she sees all the baby stuff... I still feel like I'm shopping for a baby shower gift.
Speaking of baby showers... I'm starting to get ideas for mine but it's all so complicated and I am so indecisive... perhaps it will get easier when we know the gender. I have this question... or dilemma regarding baby shower centerpieces. I've asked several friends but I get different answers. What I really wanna know is, how do you keep guests from taking centerpieces that can be used by the mom to be? I've seem some cute diaper cakes that would make nice centerpieces, obviously the diapers can be reused and so can the items on them. Maybe it's just a RGV thing, but people take all that stuff... I have no idea why? I don't like to take them, I mean a lot of them are cute but it's clutter and chances are they just collect dust in the corner. I thought that's why we gave party favors. We had a nursing reception for school and people even took the live flowers... REALLY??? I was mortified, even the teachers. So do you just let them take the usable centerpieces, or do you politely tell them no? Do you put notes on the table that say, "please do not take centerpieces"? Maybe I'll just get cheap centerpieces that are cute and if they must have one, they can take it. Seriously though, people fight for them. They rush to tables with centerpieces and claim them. LOL. I went to this one shower that had rental centerpieces, and people actually tried to sneak out with them. OMG!
I was starting to worry about having this baby and my financial status... it's pretty hard with out a job. Fortunately, I haven't made any purchases for this baby yet. The job market is just as bad as the one in the RGV. It literally took me three months to find a job back home after graduation. New nurses graduate for many schools Valley wide and there aren't enough positions. During my preceptorship at the hospital, nurses were cancelled every day, every shift because the census was low and because of over staffing. It didn't help there were many nurses on work visas. It's hard for many of the nurses not to get upset about that, but being that they have work visas, they have every right to work. When I arrived here, I thought the market would be better. I placed many online job applications but truth of the matter is, because the community is so small, they prefer it all be done in person. I guess they aren't as "high tech" yet. I decided to take matters into my own hands, so I fueled up and drove around looking for work. I went to the hospitals with no luck. One of them about half an hour away, all they said was they had absolutely no positions open. WOW. I had been calling a local/statewide home health for some time, and I even went in person to leave my resume but the director was in another office about 45 minutes away. She finally called me back, and I got my interview... AND I GOT A JOB! Finally, one less thing I have to stress about. I also had an interview with the local nursing home, but I'm not to sure how I feel about working there. The liability is high in regards to patient/nurse ratio and it's every other weekend. I can work weekends with the home health if I choose. I don't think I'll take that job even though the pay is good. I'M JUST THANKFUL I FINALLY FOUND A JOB!

Home on the Range... And nobody loves me

2011-03-08T19:35:00.008-06:00

Life on the ranch is quite different from life in the city... I remember when I used to think the Valley was hardly "the City". I yearned for bigger and better places but I got the country instead. I traded nights out with my friends, coming home at 6 am, 5 minute drive to anywhere... the gym, the mall, my favorite restaurants, city lights, sirens, and trains for birds chirping, cows mooing, pine, dew, and you name it allergies, starry night skies, and coyotes howling. I still think I made the best choice in moving here even though I miss my dear family and friends, I never thought I'd actually do it, but I did; no regrets.
Some days I'm home sick and since there is no point in crying or tapping my heels three times, being with my mom makes the adjusting much more easier. I'm not alone, and that's the best part. Since I'm still out of work, my days are spent watching TV, applying for work online, and of course, how could I forget countless hours catching up on Facebook. CNN actually calls this social depression. Well, being I have no social life out here, that may be true to a minuscule degree (Dear friends, let's not get excited over thinking I'm depressed and home sick that I'm on the next bus home... It ain't happening lol). I'm adjusting, as does everyone who wasn't raised here.
So this is my routine, here on the range lol.
I wake up close to 9 am... mostly cause I'm up all night chatting with friends and texting. I eat breakfast, and now that pregnancy has caused me to switch to hibernation mode, I eat... then I wanna sleep. So I fight the sleepiness for a while then take my nap. I wake up just in time for lunch. In between feedings and naps, I watch some TV, or listen to Sirius and XM radio. The dog and I dance around for awhile till we get sufficient exercise. It's quite amusing; who wouldn't enjoy dancing and singing in your living room? The best part is... since we live in the middle of nowhere and are surrounded by trees, I can dance naked if I want... Hell, I can even take it outside and no one will see me... that I know of lol.

So I get the whole day to myself. Mom has these two birds that talk... well they say a couple phrases. If I'm washing the dishes, the birds say... Take a bath, take a bath. So I splash them with some water. If they see us eat, they say "I want a bite". If they're scared they say, it's OK, it's OK. The girl bird says, It's OK, Kiwi (that's the boy's name) or if she is mad at him she'll say, "stop it, Kiwi, Stop it" I tend to fight with the birds cause they're the only other thing, besides myself, that I can talk to... well, I can talk to the dogs but they don't talk back. lol. The other parrot only says one word..."Cotorra", which means parrot in Spanish, but her name is Patty. She does the "hot-stuff" whistle... the woot wooooot lol. IDK how that translates into English. But when my mom and step-dad get home... all hell breaks loose.
The animals can hear my mom and step-dad's car from a mile away... LITERALLY. I know they're near before I even see them. The inside dog starts barking hysterically, the outside dog runs to greet him at the main entrance. The cows start mooing and start making their way to the house... the birds start screaming. Basically, it's a head ache. When my mom gets here the same thing... the dogs do their thing, the cows moo, but the parrots get even crazier... Patty does her woot woot thing, the two Quaker parrots start screaming and saying... "Oh look at the baby, look at the baby" I guess that's what mom says to them, so they say it back. It's literally like a hour of chaos. Mom stops to play the parrots, the cat, Boo Boo starts crying like a baby... the dogs are barking and jumping. It sounds like a freakin' zoo. She comes in to greet my step dad, she gives him a kiss, the dog gets jealous and starts crying and howling, she wont stop until she gets attention. And then there's me... NO BODY LOVES ME ;( lol (I got that from my sister in law... That's all she says..."no body loves me, why does every body hate me lol... what a nut) I have to come out of my room for attention 'CAUSE NO BODY LOVES ME lol. Oh well.
There are just some of the pets

The weekends are different... we just sleep all day. According to my mom, my pregnancy has affected everybody, even the dog. we eat then sleep... we do that for breakfast, lunch, and dinner lol... seriously. I joke that ranch should be called "Golden Acres" cause we live like old people... eat, sleep, shit, and complain of aches and pains. But I think they secretly napped all day before I even got here and now they have an excuse.

So that's life here on Golden Acres, I mean Green Acres. Seems like the only times we go to town is to get groceries or to hit up the pharmacy. We'd go to the "big city" only when we have appointments, it used to be that we'd go every weekend. Sounds kinda boring but like I said, it takes some time to get used to. I'm ready to start working so I can start to socialize... It's tough being home all day and just hanging out with the parentals but I'll get through it... One day at a time.

Redneck Woman

2011-03-03T12:54:00.014-06:00

My lil cousin actually made me think about this when she posted a comment on my SIL's Facebook picture of her and my brother in camouflage on a fishing trip (OK... In my brother and SIL's defense, they wore camo cause it was cold... not cause they were trying to blend in to the environment lol). She asked, "WoW! When did y'all become rednecks?" LOL. Well, My best guess was when they moved to Teague, my new home town. I suppose it's just a matter of time before I become one too. My brother has always been an outdoors man; hunting, fishing, the works, so he's always had his camo gear... but my SIL??? OK so she likes fish, but so do I. When they moved up here (and have moved back to the RGV) she got a camo jacket and wears it in the winter... and If I'm not mistaken, my brother wears his too... yep, even when they are not hunting or fishing. So that got me thinking... as much as I try to fight the country, I suppose it is just a matter of time before I become a redneck, or country too. I don't even listen to country cause I'm scared I'm gonna become a redneck soon, and my baby listens to what I listen to... so that means it will be a redneck before it's even born... Stop the Insanity!!!!
So let me tell you about redneck fashion...
True story... Mom and I went to subway for lunch one day when it was freezing (actually it was the day I slipped in the snow). So we're enjoying our subs and this group/family walks in to the restaurant covered in head to toe camo gear. OK??? I scratch my head and I look at my mom, like... "are they for real?" She just nodded. I stared in awe... not in a bad way but in a OMG twilight moment kinda way. They had camo coveralls, camo trucker hats... but I knew they weren't going hunting, cause I've been around hunters my whole life... and these people were not going hunting anytime soon. I knew this because the girls had cute hot pink polka dot rain boots and hot pink long john tops, and big cheerleading bows on their heads... and I knew hot pink isn't a camo color. The boys were dressed the same, sans the hot pink, polka dots, and hair bows. Anyhow, the country has yet to get my mom, although she may head to town once in a while with out any make up, and the country definitely has yet to get me, so we pretty much stick out like a sore thumb. People literally stare at us when we walk in. My make up is done, my hair is done, and I try to dress as nice as possible. People can clearly tell I'm not from here and my mom has always tried to dress up although, I have seen a slight change in her wardrobe since she moved here. It's not as classy as she used to dress, although my momma will always be classy, and she wears a lot of pants now whereas before, she used to wear dresses to work.
Most of the people around here wear sweats, no make up, hair looking crazy, walking around with spit bottles and huge wads of snuff in their mouth, cowboy work boots (OK so I have a nice pair which I have yet to be able to wear since my jeans no longer it), camo gear... yes, even the girls, etc... you get the point, typical redneck stuff (no disrespect, and NO NOT EVERYONE WHO LIVES HERE IS A REDNECK [in defense of those I know who really are not]). And the one's who do dress up, while they look really nice, they look rodeo nice... gem studded crosses, rhinestones everywhere, tight jeans, pretty make up... but they look country. I still, THANK GOD, look like a city girl... for now.
I went to an appointment with another cousin of mine (who lives in town, but she isn't country, even though I noticed she's picked up that country twang). We took her son to his pediatrician and guess what I saw... yup, you guessed it, babies everywhere in camo gear. Car seats and baby blankets in pink, blue, or regular camo. I even saw camo diaper bags and camo sneakers. I think of my poor baby... my poor future redneck/John Deer baby. I already decided, I just cant fight it anymore... IF YOU CANT BEAT 'EM, JOIN 'EM!
In preparation of raising a redneck baby, I, myself, gotta be a redneck (Not sure if Hispanic people can be rednecks... I sure as hell don't wanna be a Chuntaro)

(In case you don't know what a chuntaro is... )

(Yeah, there's a website LMAO)

So where was I... Oh yeah... Just call me a redneck woman. From now on, my anthem with be... Redneck Woman by Gretchen Wilson.. 'cause I ain't no high class broad, and I yell hell yeah and hee haw. So since I gotta start now, I've been looking in to redneck maternity fashion... I saw these awesome overalls, but for some reason a man was wearing them, I guess their unisex, or he's a drunk cross dresser... I don't judge. And I gotta work on my swag... This will be me in a few months... I just gotta add on to my tattoo... it's not quite that big yet, Hell it might stretch so I'll just leave it alone lol. And in true redneck fashion... I gotta have a redneck baby shower! Don't forget the cake... or the gifts. This will be on my baby registry..

And this will be my beautiful redneck baby when he or she gets here. Don't you think it'll be adorable all "John Deered up? I sure think so... Don't hate on my baby cause yours ain't a redneck.

In all seriousness... No! I will not be a redneck, nor will my baby. I cant promise he or she will not have a country twang, because truth of the matter is this baby probably will. I think it's kinda cute. And since we do live on a ranch I cant promise no cowboy/girl boots and no John Deer clothes, some are actually kind of cute. If my baby wants to ride bulls and horses, he or she can, but no wads of snuff and no spit baby bottles. lol. This is definitely gonna be interesting.

Oh How Beautiful!

2011-03-01T13:21:00.009-06:00

Being that I am finally in my second trimester and the worries are slowly discipating, I finally decided to pick up a camera and snap a shot of my 16 week belly (and I wonder why that cow insulted me by asking if I was having triplets? Sorry, I just cant let it go... wait till I catch that Bia on the street) So I wasn't a svelte super model pre-preggo, even though I thought I was hotter than hell. I like to think I had the opposite or the better version of body dysmorphic disorder. LOL. My body wasn't perfect and I rarely had self esteem issues... those only came when I would actually start to work on my fitness and obsess over losing weight, AND THAT DEFINITELY WAS NOT FUN. I'd rather be fat and happy than skinny, obsessed and have more self esteem issues than when I wasn't trying. Anyways... I've totally veered off topic. So yes, my baby bump is larger than most 16 week-ers and I probably look like I've got multiples in there (but it's actually just a few too many tamales and doughnuts). Either way, I'm starting to feel comfortable in my skin again. I still hide behind the sweaters a little, but I'm working on it. I thought I'd take the picture since I wanted to record my pregnancy as best as possible... speaking of record, I mentioned how I started that baby journal to help me cope with certain issues/worries. I slacked off when I moved to the ranch, I guess talking about the pregnancy was just as therapeutic. After about 5 weeks of no entries, I decided to pick up the slack and catch up... and back to the picture. I didn't get all dolled up, I just wanted to capture the moment. Since I haven't seen my brother in over a month I decided to send him my baby bump picture, I had also sent him a picture of a super, duper loaded rib we had for dinner and since I knew my brother was at work,I figured I'd make him jealous since he is such a carnivorous cave man and those ribs are one of his favorites. (And again, I wonder why my belly is huge lol... I only had one for the record... and I didn't even finish it). So I sent him the pictures... around midnight I get a text message back, "Oh how Beautiful!!!) For just a moment there I thought he was talking about my baby bump... then I realized I sent him the picture of the rib. I asked him to clarify which picture he was talking about... he has yet to respond. Knowing my brother, I know for certain he was talking about the rib :-/ LOL, I guess that's what I get for teasing him. (it doesn't look that big in the photo, but trust me... IT WAS BIG!... and I mean the rib lol)

The Joys of Aging... And Mom's gonna kill me

2011-02-24T22:21:00.011-06:00

So my mom and I were having a snack at the table the other evening (BTW She is gonna be sooooo mad I'm writing about this ;) tehehe AND NO THIS ISNT ABOUT HER AGING) and she decides to review her mail. She received this catalog that she had never received before called Dr. Leonard's... She was all excited cause it sort of looks like a fingerhut or ABC catalog, sort of. Anyhow I asked... "Mom, Why are you receiving that catalog? That's for old people and the old lady that my Grandma Melda used to work for would give her her left over catalogs... so she would just take them home and throw them away." They have some purposeful items that caught my attention like an orthopedic dog bed and coat. Anyways... So my mom is flipping through the pages content with what she sees. She says, "WOW! reading glasses so cheap... And WOW!!! that's a really nice bed spread... And OH!!!! Gibby (my step dad) could really uses those (Prolly some slippers or robe or something)". So she's all excited and I'm thinking to myself... OMG! I cant believe my mom is looking at a catalog for old people. So she flips the page and screams... AHHH! stares at it for half a second and flips the page. She is completely red and I'm like, "What was that?" so she turns the page back to show me. lol I start laughing hysterically. All I could say in my most serious voice was, "Well, old people need action too!... and sometimes when men get old, they don't function properly". She looks at my with this face and says "Shut up" lol. So she proceeds to flip through the catalog... Again, she turns completely red and starts laughing... flips the page again and another page of personal massagers and products. She slams the catalog shut in disbelief. It was too funny.

Personally, I don't think there is anything wrong with old people getting it on... I mean, they need some lovin' too and I hope at that age I haven't lost my sex drive lol. So Lesson Learned...

(Actual Image from Dr. Leonard's Catalog)

*********************************************

On another note...

Mom had a discectomy and fusion last January and is slowly but surely recovering. Unfortunately she still endures a lot of spinal and nerve pain. The weather change (rain and chilly) flared up her pain. I'm in my room filling out some online job applications when she comes to my mom. "Bibis... Can you rub some muscle cream on my back?" I get the tube and squeeze a generous amount of cream on to my palm, rub my hands together to warm it up, and proceed to giving her a mini massage. The only thing I think of to my self is... "Wow, this stuff doesn't smell like muscle cream... I guess it's unscented". So I'm done with her massage and she is watching TV on my bed and is rubbing her legs with cream. I'm still at my desk filling out applications and rubbed my face with left over residue of cream after I had washed my hands. She yells... "What! this isn't muscle cream. So I turn around and much to my surprise it is definitely not muscle cream. I suppose as a nurse before we administer any medication or topical lotions/ointments we double check what we are administering... I just assumed my mom got the right cream. I guess she had picked up some anti fungal cream that my step dad had in a drawer and not the muscle cream. Gibby yells from the living room... "I have the muscle cream over here". Well as they say... If you ASSUME you make and ASS out of U and ME. So mom practically had anti-fungal cream all over her body while I was rubbing it on my face lol. Lesson learned... Remember nursing rules... Right dose, Right route, Right medication, Right patient... etc, etc... AND

Baby Bumps and Badonkydonks

2011-02-22T20:54:00.010-06:00

After three long weeks of waiting to see my new doctor the time has finally come... well almost. I have my appointment on Thursday and I couldn't be more excited! Too bad I couldn't get seen sooner for that horrendous poison oak (I can only assume) rash I had all over my abdomen for two and a half weeks... THAT WAS HORRIBLE! All the nurses could recommend was Benadryl and hydrocortizone cream. After two days of practically feeling knocked out by the Benadryl, I pretty much stopped since the rash wasn't going away and I pretty much figured out it wasn't an allergic reaction. I treated myself with every possible cream in the first aid section but what worked the best was Caladryl and Sarna lotion. But fortunately the rash has cleared and all I have left is a patch of dry skin where the rash was, no biggie compared to the intense itching. Time is flying by so fast and although I still worry, I am not as apprehensive as I was before. I'm now in my second trimester and hoping the baby's sex can be determined. I keep getting asked if I want a boy or a girl... truth of the matter is, I just want a healthy baby. It still feels surreal, like an out of body experience... I know it's happening but it doesn't feel like it's happening to me. Guess I'm still in denial but ready or not, here this baby comes.

There are so many old wives's tales that determine the sex of the baby... I tried the Chinese gender calendar, two actually... one where you input some information and another that's an actual calendar... one said boy one said girl... Uh OK. My BFFs friend did some numerology thing and she said I was having a boy. My grandma said I'm probably having a girl since my cousin's little boy practically has a love/hate relationship with me. He's only two and wants me around but when I'm there, he kicks and hits me. My mom says it's a girl also since apparently I have a big ass now and have gained so much weight :-/ I don't over eat and stick to my diet 98% of the time... I give in to my mom's yummy cornbread... What? Don't judge! lol. Either way I'll be happy with whatever God gives me. So as much as I try to hide behind loose clothes and my rapid weight gain, I must admit I have a baby bump... although you really cant tell cause I'm extra fluffy these days. I'm sure the Dr. is gonna have me on some serious fridge lock down and exercise but that's OK since Doc knows what's best for my sweet pea. And did I mention... this ignorant Mexican lady totally pissed me off. She said I got super duper fat and asked if I was having triplets. WTF! I know she wasn't serious about me having three but she just wanted to put me down. My Spanish isn't so well that I can defend myself but if you could only imagine the English words that ran through my mind.

Aside from all that I feel good, I don't even feel pregnant yet... OK so I have to pee all the time, especially at night which is REALLY annoying, I get out of breath easily which only means I need to start exercising more, and I've gained weight in places I never thought I would... like my ass. So having a bigger butt has it's perks but not when you're still trying to fit in the last two pair of jeans you have left. I've out grown all my pants except for two pair of jeans that fit me big before I found out I was pregnant and my sweats which is very depressing. I think when we go to town for my doctor's appointment on Thursday (which is an hour away) I'm gonna hit up some stores and buy some maternity clothes. I swore up and down that I would never wear them... Oh well, I want some jeans and at this point I don't really care. Just taking this one day at a time. I sometimes think I can feel the baby move, which makes this feel more real... but then I think... maybe it's just gas... And while that is a little TMI, it's totally natural even when you're not pregnant... Besides, I'm also now the Queen of Belching. Yup... it's pretty gross and I really don't care... unless I'm in public. Oh yeah... So I was saying I had no symptoms and here I am listing them all lol, I guess I meant the major ones. Sleep has become my best friend these days... That's all I wanna do. I wake up at 8 or 9 to have a bowl of Cheerios for breakfast and I'm still sleepy so all I wanna do is crawl back into bed. Lunch time comes around and I get sleepy... at 4 I'm ready for another nap. Most days, I avoid the naps but I seriously need them... Just call me Sleeping Beauty. ;)

Snow time

2011-02-04T21:42:00.006-06:00

I can finally say I know what a real winter feels like. Back home (I'm originally from deep south Texas), it's cold (60 degrees) one day and scorching hot the next day. Only in the Valley can you get a sun tan in the winter... actually all year round. Back home a cold front (70 degrees and below) means grab a light sweater or jacket and don't forget your flip-flops cause by noon time, it's time to take off the sweater. Now that I've relocated to North Texas, we actually have seasons. I got to experience freezing weather (Actually, so did the Valley... I think it's cause the Valley really missed me) and while I've seen snow once in my life several years before, this was what I've been waiting for.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow, which is nothing compared to many parts of the country, but it was enough to get me excited. It was around 10 or 11 pm last night when we noticed that it was snowing. I ran outside to take a quick look and I was in heaven. I felt like "Kim Boggs" in "Edward Scissorhands" dancing under the falling snow... OK, so in my case there was no Edward shaving ice... and it only lasted literally three seconds because I had my mom yelling, "Get inside, you're gonna get sick"! So that was a major party crasher for me but considering I cant afford to get sick, I suppose she was right. I woke up with excitement... like Christmas day excitement. The light shined through my window, only much brighter. The sun, although barely shining, radiated off the snow and illuminated my room. I had such a big smile on my face... but when I realized it was so cold the dog didn't even want to go outside to do her business, I kinda figured I'd stay inside myself and observe the beauty from with in the comfort of our warm and cozy home. After a while, I gathered the courage to endure the cold. I threw on my boots, gloves, scarf, and jacket. I felt so bundled up, I waddled like a penguin from all those layers... It was still cold but I managed to gasp at the sight. I was ready to roll on the ground and make a snow angel, but the dogs changed my mind. They started playing and somehow got snow on my face. Ummm, Scratch that. Forget the snow angel if that means I have lay on the ground and get cold... Needless to say, later in the day, I'd be laying in the snow.
We stayed inside most of the day. I know, I know, my second experience with snow and I'm not having fun. I'm also not a five year old and my immune system isn't exactly prepared for me to get sick. We went out to run a few errands in town. I decided to look cute rather than sensible for this weather. I opted for some boots that had no grip instead of my cowgirl boots (What??? It's rare we go into town and you never know who you're gonna meet. I just had to look cute! Don't judge lol) Anyway, we were still on the property and I got off to open the main gait... I walked less than 6 ft before I slipped/flew on my back. It happened so sudden, I didn't have time to think lol. When I realized what happened I didn't know if I should cry or laugh, so I did a little of both. I was mostly scared, I feared for my baby's safety. My mom got out shocked and worried but she did manage to get a few laughs in as well. We were all concerned... but I'm sure I'll be fine. I'm more than positive this is going to be a very interesting winter season.

Change is of the essence

2011-01-29T23:53:00.003-06:00

My life has dramatically changed with in the last three months. Never did I imagine I'd have a second chance at motherhood... I just assumed since I lost my angel five years ago due to complications in my pregnancy and other health issues, it just wasn't going to happen. While this came as a very unexpected surprise, I was overjoyed... and fearful, shocked, terrified, along with a plethora of other emotions, and still am. I don't think it's hit me yet. I've seen my sweet pea jump and kick, seen his or her heart beat, even heard it. It was very hard for me to express any feelings towards this little miracle because I was so scared... scared to get attached, scared to fall in love, all to be disappointed again. While my faith is unshakable, I couldn't help but feel scared. I'd freak out with any cramp, or feeling of not "feeling pregnant" (Seriously though, how can you really feel pregnant before you can feel the baby move or when ou have no symptoms like nausea?) It's all just a vicious cycle of mind games. Nonetheless, I am very happy. I made the decision to move with my mom for the time being... well until I get my own place. It feels great to be around such supportive people... Let me tell you, not everyone was. I suppose you could say I hurt some, disappointed others, but I have to be strong and live for me, well for us now.
I couldn't imagine living in the country, I knew I'd eventually come back, I just never thought this soon. Don't get me wrong, I love it out here, the scenery is breathtaking but the country life is gonna take some time to adjust to. It's not all that bad, it's actually quite laid back and veeeerrrryyyyy slow. My mom thinks it's the perfect place to raise a child, I suppose a child can be raised anywhere but home is where the heart is, and my mother and unborn child are definitely my "heart"... So this is home now. I've been "home" for a week thus far. It feels like a lazy vacation, so surreal I'm still living out of suitcases and storage bins lol. I reckon (like my country twang?) it's time to give in to change and start settlin' in. I feel that moving out here was the best decision although I was slight hesitant. No body forced me, I made the decision all on my own while my mom visited for Christmas break. Perhaps it was all the emotions or hormones I was experiencing but the moment I told my mother goodbye, I said "not for long, I'm coming home". I don't think she could believe what I had just said... well I'm here. Due to the high risk nature of my current pregnancy, I just felt I needed my mother more than anyone.
I gave my notice at work and put in a transfer. The main office is about 2 or more hours away (I think) so I'm just waiting to get settled in so I can start working, hopefully (the company needs to find me a patient). Leaving was the hard part. I'm gonna miss my family and friends, but most of all my grandfather. He is my strength and the only man who has never let me down. Leaving my patient was just as hard, I sure am going to miss that little fire cracker. I LOVE my job, but it doesn't allow me to socialize with other nurses since we are "private duty" and only one nurse per shift, I think maybe somewhere more public might be the best choice since I don't know anyone around here except for family and I kinda burned bridges with the only other person I knew... that was a big loss for me, but the choices we make really do affect others. Lesson learned, maybe one day I can make things right again.
So I've been off work for two weeks now... Whoa! What a vacation it has been. Like I said I am adjusting well and spending time with my mother is indescribable. She started a quilt for the baby today. We went to town and stopped by the quilting shop to look at some fabric. Considering we don't know the gender of the baby yet we, I mean she, tried to go with some unisex patterns besides the typical yellow, purple, and green. I think it turned out beautiful, all that's left is the back, that "spongy" stuff that goes in the middle (I suppose I should learn the vocabulary since I'm going to be the next American quilter lol), and to put it all together. I even bought a piece to make my own... for the baby that is, I hope it turns out nice.
Lastly, I started a baby journal. I went all out and bought a really nice journal with blank sheets inside and some really cute scrap booking stickers. I figured this would help me express myself since I was having such a hard time in that department considering all the insecurities I had regarding my pregnancy. It really has helped me and being with my mom has made things easier for me. Mothers sure are angels without wings... mine definitely is!

Troy ;:o)

2010-11-01T02:45:00.005-05:00

When they say a dog is truly a man's best friend, they aren't kidding. Troy was my not just my best friend, he was my confidant and my baby. He knew my secrets, been with me through many heartaches, he never judged me, loved me unconditionally no matter how I treated him (which was mostly spoiling him), he licked my tears, and turned my frowns upside down. I am so happy I got to have him as my companion for the past 6 years.

Troy passed away October 30, 2010. He had been having seizures the past year and a half but because I was in school and didn't work, I couldn't afford to take him to the vet. Unfortunately we don't have low cost vets in the area. Just recently his seizures started occurring more frequently, He'd have about three to four a day whereas they were just sporadic in the past. I feel responsible, had he had medical care, perhaps he would not have died... but considering the circumstances there was not much I could do. I know I did great as a pet parent regardless. I had spent the night at a friend's house Friday night and when I arrived home at around noon Saturday I found him in my room (he is usually outside during the day). I asked my grandpa why he was inside and he said that Troy had a seizure as soon as he went outside and another one a few minutes later that left him trembling... so grandpa decided to put him in my room so he could rest. I got home and he was so excited to see me. He greeted me with kisses and a wagging tail. He jumped on the bed and sat on my lap. I played with him for a little while and when he tired he rested his head on my chest (I always thought it was his way of hugging me). I took a picture of him... it was his last. I was getting ready to meet my friend to pick up my cell phone charger since I had accidentally left it when I spent the night, then to meet my aunt for lunch. When I arrived I headed straight for my bed since I was still very tired and needed a nap before work. My aunt came into my room, all she said was "Cyn... Not good". Immediately my heart started racing, my first thought was my grandpa was hurt or something of that nature, then she said, "It's Troy". I just knew he had passed. My grandpa found him by the mailbox. Tears filled my eyes and rolled down my cheeks. I went outside to see him. I carried him like a baby as I always did. I couldn't believe it. My heart ached. My 8 year old nephew was outside and said, "it's OK Cyn, he is not suffering anymore... And I love you" In the moment, I heard him but I couldn't react, I couldn't speak. I uttered, "Thank you... And I love you too, baby" My grandpa and cousin dug a hole so that he could have a little burial in the back. And when I was ready, I let him go.

Some people say a dog is just a dog, but I say Troy was a big part of the family. I feel a little empty with out him. He slept with me, followed me everywhere... even to the restroom, and if I attempted to lock him out, he would scratch the door and whimper until I let him in. He would jump in my truck when I was leaving, only to disappoint him when I had to kick him out and tell him to go back. He knew the sound of my engine and waited for me at the drive way as soon as he heard me around the block. He would sit on my lap at the desk, by the kitchen table, and follow me to my dad's who lived down the street. I only have good things to say about him although he was very mischievous... and a biter, but he never bit me so I cant complain :) So good bye my loyal companion and best friend. Wait for me and I will see you at Rainbow bridge.

Life and Lessons

2010-10-25T04:30:00.006-05:00

He's been on my mind a lot lately... Marco, that is. I can't believe it has already been four months; time sure flies. I was listening to my iPod when his song came on... The one I said was his song from me. I remember one night he was playing his guitar and I made him hear it and his reaction was "C'mon, that's sooooooo gay" but then he leaned over and kissed my nose and smiled with a little wink ;) (OK so just to set the record straight he was not
Homophobic or anything... It's just an expression) anyways so yeah, the song was kind of soft but coming from a woman (who is a major softy despite the front I put on) expressing feelings for her then boyfriend, the lyrics totally fit. Back to the point, I heard the song and my heart just sank, it brought back a lot of emotions, both positive and negative. I can honestly I have my moments... I miss him (OK, so I know we fought 90% of the time but still... He's gone and I'll never see or hear from him again). I'm not stuck in the past, I've moved on... I moved on before he even passed away, it's just that one can't help but think of those you shared your life with, I just never got closure.

Tiff and I hung out some time last week and she asked what I learned from him; God puts people in our lives for a reason, and there is always a lesson. I'm still trying to figure that out but as dabble in relationships so to speak, I try to learn from my mistakes with Marco. I try not to be so closed off, but like I said, it's a front... A defense mechanism brought on by fear of hurt or disappointment. I know eventually I gotta let it go but when it's the only thing you've known (in terms of men, including my father) it's how you (I mean I) cope. I'm not one to play games but the way I see it, if some one is willing to break down walls then perhaps they just might be worth it. I've yet to meet anyone really willing to do so, I may as well work on that myself... I guess we all have our issues.
★ ✩ ✮ ✯ ✰ ☆ ⋆★ ✩ ✮ ✯ ✰ ☆ ⋆★ ✩ ✮
On another note, I've been keeping very busy with work and focusing on myself... my "inner" self. I have finally found my purpose in life and I couldn't feel more complete. Not only have I accomplished my dream but I've made my family proud and what a great feeling that is. I love what I do and the children make it so much more rewarding. I know there is so much more out there for me but for the moment, I am happy where I am at. I look forward to greater blessings in my life.

Remembering the greatest gift God ever gave me...

2010-08-29T00:23:00.006-05:00

August 29, 2005... One of the saddest days of my life but one I will always remember. 5 years to the day and and it is still clear like yesterday. Having my wonderful and supportive mother and my two amazing grandparents by my side to help ease the pain, both physical and emotional, of losing the greatest gift God ever gave me, my little angel, was definitely a blessing. I don't know what I would have done with out them. It gets easier as the years go by but I never forget. My angel always has a special place in my heart and at times there is a void that can not be filled no matter how hard I try. On that day I lost a piece of my soul but I take comfort in knowing that one day that missing piece will complete me. I found a poem online several years ago and on this day I like to read it...

A Lament for My Baby
I never got to hear you laugh
you never saw me cry
didn't get a chance to say "Hello"
you never said "Goodbye"
I didn't think that I could feel
so sad, lost and forlorn.
I never knew God chose his Angels
before some of them were born.
Your life was short yet special
I shared it all exclusively
I felt you breathe, I felt you kick.
You were alive inside of me.
Every baby is an Angel
and every angel is divine
God needed one in heaven
He came down and took mine
And although we are not together
we're not really apart
for you'll always occupy a space
deep within my heart.
Time has begun to ease my pain
It's only some days now I cry.
When I wish I could have said "Hello"
and heard you say "Goodbye"
~Author Unknown
♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

On another note... Work has been going great! I can honestly say I am so blessed and grateful for the many opportunities that have come my way. I started working for a private duty nursing company, we treat chronically ill children and teens. It took a long while to find a job and I was very close to moving to my mom's hometown, I really had nothing holding me back so I was ready to pack up and hope something would come up over there but fortunately this came along. :D. I finally started on my own this week after one week of in office orientation and another week of field orientation. Yesterday was my first day on my own. At the beginning of my shift I'll admit I was a little lost. I didn't know where to begin because during field orientation, I usually arrived about an hour after the start of shift. My patient was mostly stable throughout the shift but she had very congested lungs. Her oxygen saturation was good until I stepped out to wash some syringes and her feeding bag. I wasn't gone long but as soon as I got back she was very tense, turning red, and looked like she was choking. Her O2 level went down to 75 (I think) and her heart rate went up to 230 so the alarms started beeping. My heart was pounding (I think it was more the high pitched alarms that made me nervous). I start to suction her and her secretions are SUPER thick (like glue) so it was hard to get them all, but I managed. As soon as she got stable again I could feel my hands shaking, heart racing, and my knees got weak. I kinda laughed after the fact because it really isn't a big deal, but since I was on my own, not to mention alone (parents weren't home), I was pretty frightened. Besides that, the shift went great after I got the hang of it. Today was similar, I felt nervous at the beginning of the shift, I had a different patient and her parents were really hands on so knowing that they were there eased the anxiety. I know once I've been on my own for a while it will get easier, I don't worry about that. Besides, I know in my heart that this is where I am supposed to be!

Marco II

2010-07-15T01:19:00.004-05:00

4 days running on lack of sleep is really catching up to me. I had this crazy notion that if I went to pay my respects the dreams would stop. I cant fall asleep without seeing his face or dreaming of him. Apparently some feel that this is due to guilt. I have no guilt, not really. I decided to go to the cemetery and find him. I went blindly not knowing where to look or where to begin. Coincidentally I stopped at this grave with a similar name, the dates were off. This woman had been visiting and asked if I was lost. Apparently I was, wrong guy. I actually went to get some flowers, a small bunch of red roses... I'm on a budget here being that I am unemployed. I searched and searched. I came across a few new, unmarked graves feeling that he had to be there. A while later a group of young women, roughly my age, showed up but only one got off. I asked if who she was looking for, and apparently we were looking for the same person. She told me her name and that she wasn't sure where his grave was. She was a friend of his, I just introduced myself leaving out the details of how I knew Marco. I decided I'd call the office tomorrow morning and see where exactly he is located so I can pay my respects. I wrote this long letter expressing my emotions... sort of like a last goodbye. I don't expect anyone to understand because I only revealed what I chose to about our relationship. Most of it was rocky as I mentioned before, so unfortunately most of what people heard was the ranting I did and being that I am very private about my relationships, no one knew much about us. Nothing bothers me more than people speculating. Regardless, I have so much I need to say to him, but I'll never get that chance. Things like this take time, I realize that... I guess that is why you're supposed to say whatever it is that you need to when you have the chance; Tomorrow is never guaranteed.

Marco

2010-07-11T16:52:00.007-05:00

Seems like everywhere I turn tragedy strikes and I'm seriously needing a break from it. Sorrow definitely does not look good on me. I wish things were like when I was little and most of my days were filled with sunshine and happiness (when it was me, mom, and brother), when I had no care in the world, and my life was surrounded by people I loved. These days my life is still filled with sunshine and happiness, which comes from my strong faith and positivity, however at times they seem to be overshadowed by death of friends and loved ones. I know death is inevitable, but what ever happened to people dying of old age? Within 10 months I lost my grandma, whom I adored, my aunt, who although I was not very close to, I loved nonetheless, and just found out I lost a friend, an ex boyfriend.

I am filled with so many mixed emotions I don't know where to even begin to sort things out. I have feelings of anger, confusion, and sadness all at the same time and yet I still try and think about the good times. I think I've found out more personal facts about his life in death that I did when we were together, which was the past three years off and on. When we first dated he begged me for months for me to be his girlfriend. I would hesitate and he would get so upset and say how he didn't understand women. We want everything and when it is given to us, we just abuse it... We'll I'm not so sure what he meant by all that, I just wasn't ready for a serious relationship. We lived in the moment, we never talked about his childhood or mine for that matter. He didn't know my history and I didn't know his. I think all I knew about his family that his parents were still married and his dad was ill, he had a sister and a brother, all whom he loved very much, and that he'd help out his family a lot. He was a very private man but I thought nothing of it because, I too, am very private. My family never met him, my best friend did and didn't like him... but I think that is just payback for everything I put her boyfriends through... you know, the "third degree". I never met his family either although I recall a time when he wanted to take me to Houston one Easter weekend, but that meant I'd miss out on my family, so I opted not to go. I always broke it off with him because of his lack of communication and insensitivity but always extended my friendship, which was never good enough for him but he always managed to find his way back into my life. He would say we were friends then change it up on me and said he never agreed to friendship and how happy he was to have me back. He was quite manipulative and the fact that I was very trusting didn't help. I finally broke it off for the last time, I couldn't handle the way he dealt with his problems, mostly family problems but he was very vague. He would cut me off completely till he was ready and by that time I was infuriated. Don't get me wrong, I admired his responsibility toward his family... my family is the most important thing to my as well but I couldn't handle the way he'd react to it. He never failed to text me how much he missed and loved me, how he wanted me back, and for me to give him a family, a son named Joaquin, after his favorite uncle (I would just laugh and say no way). My response was always that we just weren't meant to be together and a family was definitely not my priority. I was finishing up my degree and I just wasn't ready. Besides, I wanted it all... The wedding, loving family... happily ever after, you know, the fairy tale and I knew it just wouldn't work out that way for he and I. I've done it before in reverse, and although I thought I was in love with that person, those were some of the unhappiest times in my life, so I felt I deserved perfection... and Marco wouldn't have given that to me either.

Despite all that, there was a lot of good in him. He was very caring when he wasn't closed off. He was always laughing and smiling and had a profound passion for music. He'd play the guitar and sing me his songs and tell me about his dad's band (well, when he used to play when he wasn't sick) and how everyone in his family was into music, his brother, cousins, uncles etc. He was very proud of his brother who had recorded an album (which was pretty good if I say so myself). He loved Counting Crows. He was a big UT fan (Go Longhorns) being that he graduated from there with a degree in design. He loved sports and if he wasn't watching it on TV, he was listening to it on XM radio in his car and at work... now that always pissed me off (that he was sooo into his sports, typical male). I remember this one time when we were just hanging out at his apartment and another time at his house (well, his parent's house, but they lived in Houston so he stayed there too) and he was so into the sports channel I got so upset that he wasn't paying attention to me that I stood up in front of the TV and I yelled at him "Go F**k your TV". It was quite funny now that I think about it, but it got his attention and then I was in a bad mood by then so nothing made me happy. Another time, I was pissed off as usual, he had picked me up and we were driving to his apartment and there were some billboards that we passed, I think they were about God or something, one said, "just get over it, it's not as big as you think" (or something along those lines)... I saw it and couldn't help but want to laugh and I looked at him and said, "Don't you dare say a word" and we just started laughing. He loved to play with my hair and being that my hair is curly, it would frizz up and look like a fro, but he did it anyway. He would caress my face and tell me how beautiful I was. We'd have tickle fights and I would kick him... What? I had to defend myself. lol.

I always saw the best in him, but that's because I trusted too much, and that was all I wanted to see. Even after all the hurt, I could put it aside and see all the good. I put up with a lot, but that is what you do when you care for someone. I felt like I was the last one to know about his passing. He was on my mind so I had text him to make sure he was well. I received a message back asking who I was. I assumed he was being a jerk. I got a text in the morning from his cousin saying that he had passed three weeks ago. I asked if it was a joke, and I didn't think it was very funny at all. She called me and said it was true. I felt numb, sad, hurt, angry, a plethora of emotions I couldn't describe. No, we weren't together anymore but I still cared for him as a friend. He had text me two days before his passing telling me he still loved me and wanted another chance. It started off with small talk but once he said that, I ignored him. I was tired of the games. That was the last thing he ever said to me... And I ignored him. Needless to say I had a sleepless night, all I could see was his face and the memories we shared. I mentioned that I found out some things that I would rather not repeat even though they make me feel more confused than ever and how I will never find the answers that I seek. I started this off with how upset he'd make me and ended it with how happy he'd make me feel. I think everyone deserves some recognition in their life and although I cant say I am happy with some of his choices or lies I had to find out about, I'll end it like that. I think I just needed to find some sort of closure to the rocky relationship we had, even as friends. He was still a good person, I'm just glad I chose to see the good in him. May you rest in peace Marco S.

Time...

2010-07-08T14:02:00.011-05:00

They say time flies when you're having fun, or at least when your keeping busy anyway, but when you are stuck at home with nothing to do it seems to drag on . I can seriously hear the second hand on the clock ticking away, what is even more disturbing is hearing the silence between each second. I suppose I could use my time more productively but what's better than sitting on your ass at home watching three straight hours of Grey's Anatomy on Lifetime... OK, I'm just kidding... Seriously! I'd much rather be out chillin' with my friends, but they're at work or school, besides... the auntie left for vacation and I'm here attempting to keep grandpa company so he is not all alone (I don't think I'm doing that great of a job since I've been in my room for the past 2 and half hours watching Grey's). And I suppose I could go out and look for a job but unfortunately it's all done online. That interview I mentioned previously was rescheduled for this coming Monday, and yes... that was a WHOLE two weeks. I'm still very excited and hoping this could be my chance to get my skills to good use, at least until I can get a job at the hospital. I am seriously fiending for some action. OK, so you wanna know how bad it is? I was fiddling with my stethoscope so I decided to listen to my own bowel sounds. Yep... I would take a sip from my drink and listen to it go down. It was the best thing ever and it kept me entertained for about 30 minutes, lol. OK it really wasn't but I was extremely bored lol. What? Don't judge. It was waaaay better than twiddling my thumbs (it really isn't the cure for boredom). I just hope the job market doesn't keep me out of work for much longer, I've been unemployed for the past four years and I am definitely ready to jump into the workforce. Actually I am really ready for my first pay check! lol.

Enough ranting about how bored I am...

This past weekend went very well. My Momma came into town for the holiday/vacation. As usual, spending quality time with her is always the best. They drove down in my step dad's truck so mom doesn't drive it unless absolutely necessary because her back hurts (discectomy and fusion back in Dec.) so I pretty much drove her around town. I joked about driving Ms. Daisy... she didn't find it as amusing as I did. She is still having a hard time dealing about the loss of her sister, which is understandable. All I can do is listen, I mean... what can one say? I just offer her an ear and a shoulder if she needs one. My brother met up with mom and I the first day she was here. It was nice hanging out, just us three, like it was when we were little. Times like these make me appreciate the value of family and unity mother instilled in us. I try to remind my brother of that occasionally. He moved down a couple months ago saying he needed to be here for grandpa and help him out, he rarely spends time with him (or me for that matter) and comes over just to feed his dog. One day he will realize that life is not guaranteed and how valuable one's word can be. But besides that we are very close and will always be "The Three Musketeers", I love my family to pieces. Here we are being goofy... (me, brother, mom)

❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀Update❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀

So I was completely bored out of my mind, so bored that I decided I would go put gas in my truck just to do something. I put gas and decide that I want a Pickadilly (snowcone with pickles and kool-aid powder...MMMmmmm DELICIOSO) Anyhow, the Raspa (snowcone) stand by our house happened to be closed for some unknown reason, I mean seriously??? It's sprinkling outside, people still want their raspas. So I decide to hit up another stand about a mile (maybe less) away... And much to my surprise, THAT STAND TOO WAS CLOSED. WTF!!! ;( I wasn't ready to head back home yet so I decide to drive to a near by city to get my diet coke (I hadn't had my fix today) at Stripes (formerly Circle K); I was just trying to find something to do. So I get my soda, hop back in my truck and it doesn't turn on. Great! JUST FREAKIN' GREAT! Of course, it's just my luck to have vehicular problems. I text my brother (who I am already frustrated with because he said he was gonna go spend time with me and he didn't) and tell him he needs to come rescue me... Always a damsel in distress. He and my SIL get there and get my truck going. She decides to throw the the "L" on the forehead sign (L-O-S-E-R) so I throw her the bird (I know my mom is prolly reading this saying OMG Cynthia... I did not teach you that. lol.) Anyway, to make a long story short I buy the part he thinks is needed, turns out it's the battery. Well, my truck isn't up and running today, but hopefully tomorrow. I am just so thankful I have a brother I can count on when I need rescuing. I hate having to bother my dad, when it is his responsibility... at least till I get married... NOW THAT I THINK OF IT, THAT IS WHY EVERYONE IS TRYING TO GET ME HITCHED...I GUESS I FINALLY FIGURED IT OUT. LOL.

Summer time...

2010-06-29T01:30:00.003-05:00

☀☀☀☀☀☀☀☀☀☀☀☀☀☀☀☀☀☀☀☀☀

WOW! What can I say other than that this has been a fabulous summer so far...
and its only half way through. Let's see... this is what has gone down:
1. I graduated in May (YAY!)
2. Visited mom in her home town (very relaxing and enjoyed quality time with mom but was seriously the longest week ever!)
3. Hung out with my girlfriends (OK this is like 5 x a week)
4. Registered and ~~studied ALOT~~ for my state exam
5. Passed my state boards (YES, PEOPLE... I am officially Cyn~Cyn, R.N. =))
6. More time with my girlfriends
7. Applied for work (I have my first interview this coming Thursday, however that may be temporarily delayed due to "ALEX")

So... that's basically it in a nutshell, I left out quite a bit but those were the highlights thus far.

☀☀☀☀☀☀☀☀☀☀☀☀☀☀☀☀☀☀☀☀☀

This weekend was pretty fabulous if I say so myself. Friday night was a girls night, just like the good ol' days with Faith, Erika, and myself. These women are my partners in crime, we can seriously do a lot of damage and tear a town down as quickly as I can say it. I didn't drink too much and I only stayed up till 2 AM since I had plans to head out out to the beach with my girls for the rest of the weekend. That went very well and we managed to have a great time despite the fact that I was on a tight budget. I was really hoping to hit up Parrot Eyes and throw down some Paralyzers (fruity 32 oz. drink with 6 flavors of Malibu. Can you say...YUM!) but we didn't get to. ;( I got sunburned pretty bad, I never learn... And I practically used a whole tube of Neutrogena 70SPF sunscreen with all kinds of protection and it still didn't save me. Oh well...

Here is a pic of the girls and I at SPI (Vanessa is MIA from the pic)

And me with my sunburn! OUCH!

TWO SISTERS AND A FUNERAL

2010-06-02T01:13:00.004-05:00

It's never easy letting go. They say time heals all wounds but from personal experience, I'm not really sure it does, it just gives us more time to accept what is and remember all the beautiful memories that were left behind. Today my aunt was laid to rest and aside from realizing I will never see her beautiful eyes and illuminating smile again, my heart aches for my cousin who has lost her mother and best friend. I am at a loss for words and cant seem to find them in my heart to console her. Sometimes the gentlest touch or embrace can mean more to someone than words, that is something I have plenty of. Somber faces wept and hearts ached but as my mother and I drove away we began to embrace the memories my mom shared with her big sister, after all, that is all my mother has left of her. Memories of childhood, teenage drama and the heartbreaks, and the slumber parties they shared recently after she was diagnosed with cancer. Tears flow from her face followed by a chuckle here and there as she remembered the good ole days. As sisters, they had their ups and downs, who doesn't? But ultimately the love of a sister or sibling is so strong that can surpass anything and is like no other,unique in their own way. My cousin is an only child but is far from alone, she has a loving family and the most amazing and supportive friends anyone could ask for. My mother loses a sister and inherits the best gift her sister could leave behind, her beautiful daughter (even though she is grown, a few months older than me to be exact), my brother and I gain a sister. No, mom can never take the place of my beautiful aunt, nor will she try, but the same blood that ran through my aunt runs through mother's veins, so any time her heart aches she can reach out to her family for she always has her place as one of mother's own. We Love you Kimmie. ♥

Just so there is no confusion, Mom and Aunt Jean were not the only two,there were a total of 9 siblings, 5 sisters, 4 brothers.

And on another note... those that follow this blog, as you can tell, I updated the blog to cute owls. They were my aunts favorite, according to my cousin Kim, she said my aunt said they protected her.

Nora Jean

2010-05-30T01:18:00.006-05:00

My aunt, Nora Jean, passed away Thursday evening after battling cancer. Actually, it was exactly two months from the day she was diagnosed (03/27/2010 to 05/27/2010). Unfortunately the cancer was caught late and was very aggressive. Her chance for survival was slim even with radiation and chemotherapy, but we all had hope. Sometimes hope and faith are the only thing you have to hang on to; It's what keeps you going. I remember getting the call from mom telling me about my aunt (her sister). I sat in my truck in the hospital parking lot 2 nerves short of an anxiety attack trembling and crying. I wasn't sure I could do this again (I recently lost my grams on my dad's side to cancer 8 months ago) but I knew I had to, for my mom's sake. I had to be there on her behalf when she couldn't because she lives 8 hours away. There was no place else I would have rather been than spending each moment I could with my aunt and my cousin Kimmie. I cant say that my aunt and I were close, but I loved her nonetheless. I knew I had to be there for my cousin; losing a grandmother is different from losing a mother but we were both care takers, so I hope even just the little advice I could offer helped. My heart goes out to my cousin, she was an only child but no matter what, she is not alone. She is lucky to have wonderful friends who have stuck by her and a special someone who is by her side to lift her up when she is down and encourage her.

Mom was on her way the night she passed away, she was a few hours short of seeing her before she took her last breath. I don't know what it is like to lose a sibling but if it was any consolation, I tried to tell her that it was for the best and she has wonderful memories. As difficult as it was, I was able to be there in her final hours. I held her hand and caressed her, I wiped her tears and whispered words of encouragement letting her know she fought courageously and I was proud of her. I told her my mother was on her way and she loved her very much. I would update mom every hour and to check up on her since she was traveling alone and in intense back pain. My cousin Laura and I took a break and went to have some dinner at a near by restaurant when I got a call from my mom telling me she saw the most beautiful rainbow as she was driving, it was sunny out. I arrived back to Kimmie and my aunt's home where I learned she took a turn for the worst while we had been out. I put two and two together and that rainbow was a sign from my aunt to my mom. When she passed away, I didn't have the heart to tell my mom. She knew something was wrong when the calls stopped but was afraid to call us and hear bad news. She pushed through the pain and arrived at my cousin's home at 1:30 AM only to find her sister gone. It was quite an emotional day/evening. It breaks my heart to be unable to console my mother, but I tried as best as I could.

We have had an emotional couple days and the services start tomorrow so I have to be strong for my cousin, mom, and the rest of the family. It is only natural to be selfish and want her here with us but she is in a better place now, a place with no pain and suffering.

“You can shed tears that she is gone,
or you can smile because she has
lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,
or you
can open your eyes and see all she's left.
Your heart can be empty because
you can't see her,
...or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can
turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for
tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her only that she is gone,
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close
your mind,
be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what she'd want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on.”

(Mom (Mary Ann) and Aunt Nora Jean)

(Nora Jean)

Almost there...

2010-04-29T15:08:00.014-05:00

With finals over and done with, I am finally working on my preceptorship which involves completing 160 hours, preferably before graduation on May 15th. I am happy to report that I am almost half way done (I hope to finish next Saturday). I have tested my limits and have worked 6 straight days of 12 or 13 hour shifts at the hospital. Never in my life have I ever worked so hard. Two and a half years of nursing school do not quite compare to the past 6 days. My feet began to ache and throb and as the days went on the pain gradually ascended upwards to my hips. I woke up yesterday feeling great, NO PAIN, of course standing for long periods of time your feet will hurt no matter what, but its all part of the job. I get home after a long, exhausting day, pop an Ibuprofen 800 and sleep like a baby. I guess that's what it takes to get rid of 15 years worth of insomnia.

I've always known I wanted to be nurse, and now my dream is finally coming true. My Grams finally got her nurse. It makes me sad she cant be here but I know she is here with me in spirit and is very proud of me. I've encountered a lot of set backs but with strong will and the support and encouragement of my family I overcame them. Work is great (it's actually an internship (NON PAID OF COURSE) LOL)! I get along with the nurses and they are all willing to help me. It is actually quite different from my first year of clinicals where we were taught that nurses eat their young, and they weren't kidding. That all seems to have changed now and I'm beginning to feel like a "REAL" nurse. I know once I take state boards and actually have a job I'm going to feel like the bottom of the food chain but I am OK with that, it's all part of the process. I'm precepting on a medical/surgical floor and have been exposed to so much already. I've seen and learned many things that you don't learn in nursing school. A lot of our patients have cancer and it brings back so many memories of my Grams when she got ill. Ill just take this as a sign and accept it as where I am supposed to be... taking care of patients with cancer. Who knows where I'll end up though, the job market seems pretty bad... EVEN FOR NURSES.

This is our graduating class, and of course that's me... way in the back under the arrow. I think with as much tuition as we pay the school would be able to afford a better quality camera or hire a photographer... unless of course the camera belongs to one of our instructors, then s/he should get a raise so that they can afford a better camera. It was the day of one of our exit exams, Some of my friends and I missed a couple takes because we were doing some last minute studying. Thank God we made it!

I'm scheduled to work this weekend but since it is my birthday on Saturday I was able to rearrange my schedule to work Friday and Monday. Before I started my hours I had so many plans for my birthday, most of which involved a lot of alcohol and of course to out due last year's birthday (Which was THE BOMB, if I say so myself). For now, with trying to complete so many hours in a limited amount of time and feeilng quite exhausted, a nice relaxing evening at home sounds good to me, but I'm sure alcohol will still be involved =). Not exactly ready to hit 29 but ready or not, here it comes.

OFFICIALLY STRESSED

2010-03-11T20:24:00.006-06:00

“The greatest barrier to success is the fear of failure.”

I HATE when I start to dwell on my future. I've been through this before and aside from it holding me back, it really gets my nerves on edge and truthfully, its the last thing I need right now. I have a final tomorrow for my Leadership and Managment class. I've studied for it and I feel good about it, but that is the least of my worries. I have approximately one month left of my Med/Surg class before I start preceptorship, which I've already selected my options: ER at the main trauma center near my hometown, or the ER at a local children's hospital... What can I say, I like the rush. Before I can even allow myself to get excited about it much less think about preceptorship I need to get through the course. I have this constant fear that I'm not gonna make it. The way I see it is that this fear can either be beneficial and make me work harder than ever and get through it, or it can really affect my focus. First exam I did great, second exam... not so great. I dont know where I went wrong. I studied my ass off and perhaps I studied too much, but I dont really think that's possible. I walked out of my last exam thinking I Ace'd it, I actually failed it. It stopped me right in my tracks wondering where I went wrong. So I've had two exams, yes, I'm passing but I am not where I want to be. I was really hoping to build myself a little safety net, and unfortunately I dont have that. I had all these great plans for spring break which unfortunately are not gonna happen for me (our next exam is the Monday after spring break... THANK YOU teachers for being an official cock block to all the nursing students). AND LET ME TELL YOU...It's a sacrifice I have NO problem WHATSOEVER submiting to. I know if I leave I wont focus and study so OBVIOUSLY IT'S NOT WORTH IT (for me anyway). I was planning on taking a road trip with one of my besties to H-town... I was totally gonna be a groupie for her hottie baby brother, That's right... I was gonna get my cougar claws on! >^..^< RAWR!!! (Just kidding Missy... a little but not really ;)) but that fell through. So after my exam tomorrow I'm gonna head out to Corpus and come back and hit the books like no body's business. I think I'm gonna take my recorded lectures to listen to them on the way... LAME I know but I gotta fit in some study time any chance I get. Anyhow back to my point... I stress out so much that I know for a fact I hold myself back. That's my fear, not making it out. I think about my future and it frightens me... I just need to get over it, do what I gotta do, and "Git er done"! I'll keep y'all posted. WISH ME LUCK!♣

Playing Catch up

2010-03-03T01:04:00.010-06:00

♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫ I fly like paper get high like planes (LOVES the song btw)... That's right ladies and gents, I have been M.I.A. for quite some time now and finally started to feel withdrawals from writing anything besides notes on cardiac, immunology, hepatic... yada, yada, yada. I started school back in January, hopefully finishing this time around but let me tell you it is not as easy as I thought it would be. Although it should be a refresher, some of it has changed... but it's good I guess. Unfortunately, this semester I got stuck with Sunday clinicals, which means I go in on Saturday's for clinical prep which involves hours of paperwork, then Sunday I'm with my patients. I study all week, LITERALLY so there has been very little "Cyn" time. (Don't get me wrong... I still have my "wind down with wine" nights or enjoy a few cocktails here at home) Oh well... Gotta do what I gotta do. So remember this post... OK... definitely not the same. ;( boohoo. I used to just love to stare at him, every word he spoke melted off his tongue like butter, I was captivated. Don't get me wrong his lectures are still the best but, I no longer drool lmao. Ughh.. I miss those days lol.

☀☀☀☀☀☀☀☀☀☀☀☀☀☀☀☀☀☀☀☀☀

Spring break is just around the corner. No Island bar hopping for me or St. Patty's party and green beer at the Dhu and lets not forget no day trips to the beach with my girls either, but that's OK. I'm 95% sure that I'll be visiting my mom in east Texas, I'm a family girl so as much as I like to have fun, I'd rather spend my free time with my mom any chance I get... Besides, I haven't seen her since January and she is still recovering from her surgery. This is definitely a much needed break. I cant wait to pick up my camera and start taking some nature pics, I LOVE THE OUTDOORS! Maybe we can fit in a fishing trip, but we'll see how it goes with mom still in pain.

♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣

On another note...

I got word my little cousin (OK she isn't little anymore, she is 21) was bit by a brown recluse. Can you say OMFG! Let's not forget to mention she is 4 months pregnant. As soon as I heard I had to go make sure she and the baby were fine. In case you all don't know what a brown recluse is... It is one of the three most dangerous spiders (I think) anyways... I wanna say it's worse than the black widow. IDK go look it up for yourself. Well it's bite causes a lot of damage and makes the tissue necrotic. Google it, seriously... those pics are so freakin' gross! i took my camera to get some pics but that's before I knew where was bit. From what I understand had she waited any longer to see a doctor, it could have been fatal. Anyways it bit her about two or three inches from her unmentionables. So this is little cousin... She still looks like a baby to me.

•:*:•Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ •:*:••:*:•Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ •:*:••:*:•Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ •:*:••:*:•Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ •:*:•

OMG I forgot to mention...

Ever heard of that old wive's tale or story that if you see a giant moth, death is near and your supposed to kill it? Well I dont know how true that is but before my grams passed away (she was already in the hosptal) I saw a huge moth that was attracted to the porch light. I think I was on my way to spend the night at the hospital but didnt do anything about it. I remember that story crossing my mind but I didnt beleive it. Well my grammy did pass away. Coincidence or not, I wasn't about to let this happen again. (OMG I just realized to this was before my cousin was admitted to the hospital CREEPY, and she was told if she had waited any longer she could have died) Anyway, So your supposed to kill these huge moths and then burn it or put holy water on it... I just killed it and put it in a plastic bad. I dont know what I'm supposed to do after so Im gonna pour holy water on it then, burn it, or may be I should burn it, then pour the holy water on the ashes cause then it wont burn. Well, I felt really bad for killing it. I was like, "Oh God, please forgive me for killing one of your creatures" lol. I felt so bad. Well here is that huge moth... It was really cute and fat and fuzzy, I think it was laying eggs too 'cause it had like white "egg" looking things coming out of it's tail end. This thing was so HUGE it was like 6 inches long. I know, I am a PETA advocate myself, and I dont really beleive in old wive's tales but, I like I said... I wasnt gonna risk it.

Not ready yet

2010-01-11T02:35:00.006-06:00

I've been here for almost three weeks. Mom is progressing day by day and just yesterday she took her first steps with out using a walker. As they say, you don't realize what you have till you lose it and it definitely makes you think twice about taking things for granted. I am aware some people have it worse, but mom is not the kind of woman to sit back and relax, she is always on the go and this surgery has really MADE her slow down. We were having lunch one afternoon when she got a little emotional, she said she thanks God for making her realize she needs to slow down and start taking better care of herself. I am glad she had this realization because like most mothers, she put everyone before herself. I'm so grateful to have had the opportunity to be here with her for this, I know she really needed/wanted me here.

I have one more day left ::sigh.tear:: I'm not ready to leave. We head out Tuesday morning for the long 9 hour drive home. By we, I mean my brother's wife. She is moving back down to the valley while my brother stays and works for a couple more months then makes his way down. I've been fortunate to spend so much time with my mom. It's so hard every time I have to leave. I remember the first time I moved away from home. I only moved three hours away to Corpus Christi but I was ready to spread my wings. My BFF Tiff and I had originally planned to move to Houston, but she fell in love and decided to get married. I was dead set on leaving. Tiff met me at my house and both her and mom saw me off. I tried so hard not to look back but I did. Mom gave the most beautiful card and a CD, "Wide Open Spaces" by the Dixie Chicks. I remember waiting at the check point, there was a long line, probably about an hour's wait, maybe longer. I waited to read the card because I knew it would bring me to tears, and while "Wide open spaces" blared on the speakers, I sat back and opened my card. I wish I still had it; for the life of me I cant remember what happened to it. And so I cried... and cried... and cried. By the time I got to the check point my eyes were red and puffy, my nose was running, and my face was blotchy. I wasn't the least bit concerned that my make up was half off, that I looked like a raccoon with runny mascara, and that the border patrol agent was beyond HOTTT!

It wasn't long before I got home sick. Mom and I always had the best relationship. It was always just us three. We were The Three Musketeers: Mom, brother, and me (even before the divorce, dad was always away). I missed them terribly but it was a part of life. I learned a lot being on my own, I got myself into many situations but mom was always there to help me out. I have the utmost respect for her. She is my rock, and I don't know what I would do without her.

I am blessed to have a wonderful mother and a wonderful relationship with her. I look up to her. Not only is she my mom, she is my confidante, my best friend, the sister I never had, she is EVERYTHING to me. Being here with her when she needed me the most is the least I could do for all that she has done for me. So as I prepare to leave again, I know that she is only a phone call away. I hate to leave before she is completely well, but I know she is in good hands.

Country livin'

2010-01-05T12:16:00.006-06:00

I've been out here in the country for a week and it feels like a month. I've left the house maybe three times since I got here but only because I just want to make sure that mom is OK. She is doing a lot better and recovering well. What can I say, I'm a good nurse. lol. Actually, my grandma is here also so there is not much for me to do besides a little cleaning if that.

I love it out here. I love that I have time to meditate, more importantly I cherish the "me" time (and the family time). It's weird how the pace out in the country is so different from the city. Time stands still, minutes seem like hours. It's very peaceful and you can actually take time to appreciate the beauty of it. As beautiful as it is, it has it's downfalls. My allergies and sinuses are acting up out here and my head feels so stuffy, all I wanna do is sleep. Mom takes her medication and takes a nap, I lay on the couch outside her room rolled up in a warm blanket and nap too then wake up feeling hungover because I've slept too much lol.

Mom has been getting around with a walker because her hip is still in a lot of pain. She let her dog out this morning (Troy was too comfortable behind my legs to wanna go out) and Roper, the outside dog, took her into the woods. I woke up to mom calling out to her dog. I didn't sleep much through the night and woke up very groggy to "You better get back here Mitzy". I let her yell for a couple minutes (What? I was sleepy), but as comical as it was, I had to get my lazy ass up and go look for her damn dog. I threw on my jacket and my moms crocks (No I didn't realize how cold it was. It was freezing, literally. Ice covered the ground; every leaf, twig, rock, sprig of grass was covered. The ice crunched as I scuffled through the woods half asleep. My face was so cold I couldn't even feel my nose running and double checked a few times to make sure I didn't have icicles hanging. My hands and feet were tingling too. After about twenty minutes of hollering and no dogs, I turned around and went back home, I figured they went to woods on the left side (I went to the right). I wish I had my camera at the time to capture the beauty of the morning light shining through the branches. The ice sparkled like tiny diamonds. The frost (not snow) thinly covered everything all around me. Perhaps it was because I was still half asleep, but I wanted to twirl around as the light glimmered on my face while the leaves fall down all around me. That only happens in the movies lol, and the cold air stinging my face brought me back to reality. I returned to the warmth and comfort of my home. I wanted to crawl into bed and snuggle with a warm blanket. That didn't happen.

I went into the woods yesterday and took some nice pictures. Just imagine what they would have looked like today. Well, this week is supposed to be extremely cold. I think I heard wind chill was supposed to be like 5 degrees. Maybe We'll actually get snow, that is after all, what I have been waiting for.

Flower/weed

Mushrooms on a log

Wild berries

Happy trails

The light shining through and onto the creek

Sweet dreams

2010-01-03T11:00:00.004-06:00

This morning I woke up from the most beautiful yet heart wrenching dream ever. At about 5 am I shuffled over to mom's bed so I could sleep with her (She is recovering from her ACD surgery) because my step dad drove to the valley (my home town) for his brother's wake (he passed away on the 1st). Since he was gone, I wanted to make sure that I could hear her in case she needed anything. I fell into a deep sleep, nope, I couldn't even hear mom when she tried to wake me. I dreamt some random stuff. I saw my cousins outside of my grandma's house, I saw my little cousin Melissa, my gramps, and I wanna say we were all having some pan dulce (sweet bread/pastry). I looked around for my grandma and didn't see her. There is this small little one bedroom house in the back of my grandparents yard where my great-grandmother used to live. I walked over there and there she was. Laying down on her side facing the television, only it was off. She rolled over to me and my heart just melted. I got to see her beautiful face again, to look into her eyes, touch her hands, and kiss her forehead. Her face looked dusky/ashy. She was so frail, a lot thinner than before she passed away. Her eyes sunk and her skin contoured her bones. She asked me to turn the TV on for her and so I did. I asked her why she was out there instead of in the main house, she said that she didn't want to burden anyone and it was easier for the ambulance to get to her (we were using a transport service to get her to her chemo and other appointments in her final weeks). I reassured her it was not a burden and I insisted on taking her inside so I could keep an eye on her. She said OK. For some reason she took her shirt off and her chest was black (She suffered from lung cancer, she wasn't even a smoker). There were markings on her chest, her veins so thin. I was getting ready to carry her out, I held her close to me. It was so beautiful. There was a frame on the wall, and all these wonderful memories played like a slide show on that frame as I held her. What I found funny was that song, KNOCK THREE TIMES ON THE CEILING IF YOU WANT ME, played while I was holding her. I didn't realize the significance to the song till after a while I woke up. Grams used to bang on the wall to get my attention so she wouldn't have to yell. There was a time it used to annoy me but I quickly got over that. It makes me laugh when I think about it, especially now that I dreamt that song. Anyhow... Soon all those memories kinda became the past (it's kinda hard to explain) and I knew that she passed away. I woke up and told my mom about the dream and just started crying. I think I needed that. Ever since grams passed away in September, I hadn't been able to communicate with her. I had a few dreams about her but I couldn't touch her, she was at a distance and I never got to speak to her. But today, I got to touch her, hold her. Maybe she was communicating with me, perhaps it was just my mind and how our brains work in such mysterious ways. Either way, I'm glad it happened. I kind of have piece of mind now, not that I didn't before... just, it's easier. I'm glad I never got to see her as frail as she was in my dream. I hope to see her again in my dreams soon. I really miss her.

Lost in the Wilderness

2010-01-01T23:43:00.005-06:00

So I've been M.I.A. lately. I've seriously had thousands of ideas for new blogs only I've been SUPER lazy. If I hadn't updated y'all yet, I was re accepted back into the nursing program (For those that don't know, I should have graduated in October but i failed my last class with a 74 ;( and had to wait out a semester) Hopefully by the end of spring semester I will be Cyn, R.N. The holidays were great. This was the first year in a long time that I was able to spend the Christmas with both parents (not together, they're divorced, but saw them both on the same day) It was nice especially because dad's birthday is on Christmas day even though he gets really grouchy. Mom was kinda out of it when I saw her, she had to pop some pain killers due to her degenerative spine disease in C-5, C-6, and C-7 vertebrae, which has now been corrected with ACD (Anterior Cervical Discectomy surgery. In a nutshell, they removed bone from her right iliac crest (hip bone), an incision was made on her throat to gain access to the anterior (front) of the spine, moved everything aside, inserted the bone fragments into the spine to relieve severe pain and pressure, then fused with a titanium plate. Check out the link to see a quick clip of the procedure (No, that is not mom). The surgery was on Wednesday, mom was released yesterday and is now at home recovering. AMEN!!! I was literally two seconds away from an anxiety attack till we got an update from the doc saying mom was fine and on her way up to recovery. My heart was pounding and skipping beats, my hands were shaking, and I was very nauseated, I hated thinking that something might go wrong but for some reason those thoughts just popped into my head, I'm guessing it's because the last time I was at the hospital, my grammy passed away. I'm not quite sure if she'll be able to move her head back since I didn't get to talk to the doctor (all the arrangements were made with out me here so no body was able to be advocate for mom). She is in a lot of pain but being tough and walking around using a walker.

So while mom recovers and I nurse her back to health, I get to enjoy my mini vacay here at the ranch. I love coming out here. I guess you can say I'm recovering too, I have had a seriously stressful couple of months. I get to enjoy beautiful sunsets, walk the woods (which I haven't taken pictures of yet, but once I do I'll post em), and just be surrounded by my loving family. I especially miss grandpa, I haven't left him since grams passed away but my Aunt Faith is there at home with him. I miss her too! I usually leave Troy (my dog) with grandpa when I go out of town but he had a seizure the day before I left, I decided to take him with me since I was going to be gone for about three weeks. He loves it out here too, he has the freedom to run around, experience new sights, sounds, and smells. The day after mom's surgery my step dad took him out and their dog Roper took him out into the woods and left him. My step dad spent two hours looking for him. Thank God he was found! After Noah, my Maltese, disappeared I was heart broken, I don't know what I would have done if Troy was lost too.

The only thing that sucks about the area is my cell phone doesn't get reception unless I stand in one of a few spots in the house for a long time or we're in town, which is about 15 minutes away. I haven't really talked to "manfriend" much since I've been out here but he understands, and he has got some stuff of his own going on. So I actually kinda opened up to him about my feelings (I didn't exactly say the "L" word) which is completely out of character for me, at the same time I start to wonder if perhaps I said too much. I meant to say what I said, so no regrets. I just often wonder if I'm only fooling myself that we could actually be happy together since things are kind of complicated. AND NO HE IS NOT MARRIED OR WITH ANOTHER WOMAN (At least not that I know of HA! lol JK)! GEEZ! lol.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot it's officially the new year! HAPPY NEW YEAR! I hope everyone had a safe and wonderful celebration. I passed out at 8:30 pm since I only got a couple hours of sleep at the hospital and the recliner was very uncomfortable. So no tequila shots or goblet of wine for me, but there was no where else I'd rather be. I have a couple new year's resolutions I think I wanna try. One of them of course is a healthy life style change. I freakin' say that every year and never go through with it. BUT I REALLY WANNA DO IT! I guess I just really want to re-evaluate my life and see what other changes I need to make. I just really want to be happy! I don't think that is too much to ask for. I think I deserve it.

OK, I guess that's it for now. I'll leave you with some beautiful pics of the ranch! Enjoy!

Remember this at Christmas Time (Rudolpha)

2009-12-11T15:03:00.003-06:00

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.

Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.

We should've known...

ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

A MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!

Short ~n~ Sweet

2009-11-20T18:45:00.004-06:00

It's been a while... I've been keeping busy working on my nursing portfolio. Time is creeping up on me and THANK GOD I am almost done. I will have it completed and submitted by Dec. 1st and then I will know my fate. I know HE is on my side and am pretty sure grams is putting in a good word for me.

So the holidays are coming up and I have no clue what I am doing. I was hoping to visit mom but I'm not sure yet. I kinda don't wanna leave gramps since this is our first holiday season with out grams. I usually don't see dad since he spends it with his wife's daughter (yeah, my step sister). Guess I'm heading out to Rikki's (my cuz, Aiden's mom)(Oh yeah... Aiden is my nephew from the previous blog... you know... the pics. ). Well I guess that's all for now... I'm gonna get a few things done before I go to bed... I AM ACTUALLY GONNA GO TO BED EARLY... well attempt to anyway. I have this "Turkey Trot" 2 mile run/walk thing at 0600. UGH I KNOW THAT IS EARLY!

I'm gonna share a pic my mom sent...

ENJOY and Happy Holidays if I'm not back by then.

How Pumpkin Pies are made.................

Autumn in the Valley...

2009-11-09T19:42:00.011-06:00

The weather appears to be letting up... FINALLY! And while I know I shouldn't hold my breath and I probably just jinxed the entire Valley, I must admit I have been enjoying the cool weather at 85 degrees (F). That is fresh for our area and guess what? Some nights I even get to wear a cute and fashionable sweater. All year long we experience scorching temperatures with intense humidity minus a couple months of Valley cold fronts (60-80 degrees). Everyday is a bad hair day and expect to sweat. I feel like a pair of sweaty, sticky balls that have marinated in gym shorts all day long (What? Guys say that all the time). There are some days where it is so hot my my jeans stick to my ass and thighs that I am ever so tempted to apply a cool patch to my crotch. Not a nice feeling. But like I said, the temperature has dropped the air feels crisp and it actually feels like Fall.

OK, so our trees don't turn beautiful colors (unless you think silver barren trees are lovely) and we don't get to run around in scarves and winter attire, but we do make the best of it. We watch football and BBQ with a beer in hand. We get to wear flip flops all year long. Some days we even get to wear shorts and light sweater (OK I admit that's a little tacky) and our sunsets are beautiful.

We almost have a BBQ every weekend. I made some caramel apples. CAN YOU SAY YUMMY! And I baby sat my nephew this past weekend. I took him to the park and to Donna's Corn Maze. WE HAD A BLAST!

Here are some pics that I've taken that make me thankful for this beautiful season!

My Famous Caramel Apples

My nephew on Hay Bale Mountain
Corn from the Corn Maze

Getting Lost in the corn Maze (More corn)
Aiden at the park

Watching the other kids play

Sunset at the park (Fire in the Sky)

so much to do, so little time...

2009-11-04T17:17:00.004-06:00

I finally started on my nursing portfolio a couple weeks ago. Basically, it's a binder full of remediation paperwork that I must complete and submit that will go to a committee and get "graded" in hopes of getting readmitted in the spring. So why am I just now starting to work on it after a couple of months? Hmmm. Let's see... Well when the semester ended and the shock of FAILING dissipated I took advantage of spending QT with grams. After her passing in September, it just took me a while to get into the grove of things again. I realized a little too late that I should have given myself a semester off to work and focus on other things like... ME OK, OK and my portfolio.

I now spend so much time at school that I only go home to sleep and the monotonous cycle repeats. What little time I did have is now consumed by watching NCLEX nursing videos, hours of note taking, and NCLEX practice exams. It's all worth it, but I seriously need some down time. I guess you can consider blogging downtime or my aerobics class "me" time. Actually, what I had in mind was beach (Always sunny here), BBQ, and beer. I have until December 1st, I think, to complete my portfolio for readmission. I'm sure I'll do great. I have my mind set and by next summer (GOD WILLING), I'll be taking state boards to be Cyn RN. AHHH THAT'S MUSIC TO MY EARS! I can hardly contain myself, lol. So many of my friends are now on their way to take state boards. I wish them the best of luck. I still feel "out of the circle" but as they say, "Everything happens for a reason". And it does.

On another note. THANK GOD IT'S HUMP DAY! This week has dragged on way too long.

Time Change...

2009-11-01T10:38:00.003-06:00

SUX... If you ask me. Ok... I LOVED the idea that I can be out an extra hour WHEN I WAS 18... but at 28, I make my own rules. I stay out as late as I want, which means I will come crawling in at dawn when ever I damn well please. So when I'm not staying out 'till the wee hours of the morning, I try and wind down early 'cause I actually got shit to do. Like this morning for instance... I set my alarm to wake me up at 9 so I could get up and redo my LIGHTS photo project (Yes... using natural light), well it's actually 10 a.m. so I missed my opportunity to get my morning shot which means I should have been up by 8, or something like that, I've already confused myself. DAMN IT!

Another reason I HATE time change... I woke up at 9 got hungry at 10, which is really 11. So I'm thinking of what I feel like eating but my body feels it's too late for breakfast... So what do I eat? Cereal or chicken salad? If I was at IHOP or Denny's this wouldn't be that difficult 'cause you can eat breakfast anytime of day... I suppose I could too here at home, but it's just not the same. I couldn't decide so I chugged down a big refreshing glass of diet coke... It SHOULD hold me over till I get hungry again and it feels appropriate for lunch time.

I'm done ranting FOR NOW.

Cinderella Incarnate/ Tribute to Manfriend

2009-10-29T00:37:00.002-05:00

This blog has been in the works for like... 2 weeks now, I just never got around to finishing it.

It all started last, last Saturday (yeah... that's 2 Saturdays ago) which I spent with my dad and how I firmly believe that I am Cinderella Incarnate. Yep, I even have the evil step mother to prove it. OK... so I'm not a slave and she isn't evil but I like to think so sometimes. I asked my "manfriend" to put my face on Cinderella since I suck at photoshop (he didn't know it was for my blog). The picture below is what he came up with... We were talking on the phone when he starts laughing, actually he was chuckling (it was so cute how his little laugh made me laugh, but he didn't need to know that) so I'm like WTF is so funny? He said he just finished the picture and how he did such an awesome job and how he cracks himself up. I was like, "You better not have used an F'd up picture of me!". He emailed it to me... OK so I laughed too once I saw it. Actually... what I meant was if he could put my lovely face on the poor slave Cinderella not the princess (guess I didn't make myself clear), so it would fit the story line. This is what he came up with.

What a banana! Yup... Can you believe that Prince Charming is totally overshadowing Cinderella? Oh HELL NO! My Prince Charming is looking like a thug donning bubble gum wrapper grilz, cuz he cool like dat while Cinderella is suffering from shrunken head syndrome. I look cute though, I must admit lol (I like the pic anyway... It's way cute and he put a lot of thought into it lol). Anyhow... since the picture is obviously about him and not ME, I decided I'd use the picture even though he didn't know it would be available for everyone to see. So since I lost my mojo for the Cinderella blog, this is what it evolved into...

Tribute to MANFRIEND

(Yeah... this is him, I don't think these are too recent... It's hard to find some pics of him not goofing around)

Let me tell you a little about my "manfriend"...

He's addicted to porn and he masturbates constantly...PILLOW FIGHT!! HA HA HA! I'm just kidding, it's actually a quote from one of the BESTEST movies of ALL time (IMO), Sorority Boys. Actually the original quote says "I" instead of "he", so I obviously I changed it around. If you've seen it, you'll get it. I dubbed him "Grilz Charming and Prince Grilz" (I'd hope I wouldn't have to go into that after what was mentioned above) along with many other pet names I came up for him, but you don't need to know those. He has been anxiously awaiting this blog. Actually, once I told him about the Cinderella blog and how I was gonna post the lovely picture up anyway he got super stoked and then I told him I was gonna dedicate an entire blog to him, he was like OH, OK COOL! He was trying to be modest but I know he was shouting with excitement on the inside; He likes the attention... So every time I post a new blog (OK so it's been like three since I told him) he's like YAAY! until I break the news to him and tell him its not the one, then he's like Oh, ;( So where was I before I got distracted? (Remember I cant help the ADD... Just deal with it, it's not that hard to follow along) Oh yeah! I was mentioning some of my manfriend's qualities. OK... Well we obviously know he's a jokester, hence the picture. I can always count on him to make me smile when I'm feeling down. He is down to earth, a SWEETHEART (even though he tries to make a joke out of everything; Go figure!), musically and artistically inclined. Yes, he serenades me with his guitar and Digeridoo. Be jealous, BE VERY JEALOUS. OK so the digeriedoo is not quite romantic but at least I get a few laughs out of it. I hate that we live 1500 miles apart. His picture hung on "our" (ummmm. How do I put this... let's just leave it as mine and an ex) living room wall for two and a half years, so it almost seemed like fate when we started "talking". Basically, he is everything a chick could ask for. He is even "The nice guy" I didn't think existed this day in age. So there you have it ladies and gentlemen, and of course, my manfriend, who has been anxiously waiting by his "crackberry" to read my blog about himself.

Loyal till the day i die...

2009-10-28T15:18:00.010-05:00

That's right... I said it... I'm gonna be a loyal Wal-Mart customer TILL THE DAY I DIE. I don't care if Wal-Mart sells products from China (just don't put them in your mouth), hires illegals (what??? some of them out there just might be my peeps), takes business from our little mom and pop shops, sends US jobs to other countries, or drives out competition (since when is that a crime?). I love the fact that I can buy my cereal, dog food (for Troy not me... although I ate it once as a kid), frozen pizza, fabric, tampons & Kotex, shoes, clothes, and electronics all in one place anytime of they day or night. They offer some of the most competitive prices for just about ANYTHING. For now... I'm a broke-ass, unemployed, student (professional student or not, I'm still in school) which leaves me no choice to shop where I don't have to dig so deep into my pockets.

So when I said I'm gonna shop there till the day I die, I LITERALLY meant till the day I die, and I don't mean that my family is gonna dress me up in the latest Miley Cyrus/Max Azria get up (that is unless they want me to look like a hillbilly) sporting yellow and black plaid with slinky, shiny, vinyl leggings (OK I kinda dig the leggings even though I think I'd be committing serious faux pas). What I meant was I can now shop for my casket or urn for my funeral or cremation, which ever I choose. That's right! As of last week, Wal-Mart made available their newest line of funeral "furniture" online. HOW EXCITING IS THAT! LOL! I checked out the website . Casket prices range from $999.00 - $3199.99 while urns range from $34.82-$214.00. I wonder if they have a "Sam's Choice" or "Great Value"brand yet? I haven't see one yet fit for THE QUEEN OF RANDOM but I'm sure we can collaborate and come up with something that might just work out great for my notorious departure.

Have a Happy Period...

2009-10-23T16:37:00.006-05:00

So it's that time of the month again and after a long day of moodiness, bloating, and cramping I get home and turned the on TV so that for just one moment I could cloud out all the thoughts that go through my head... AND THEN... I see that damn Always commercial where they say... "Have a Happy Period". I found myself scoffing and throwing my middle finger at the TV saying STFU! and mumbling heaven knows what else. Out of nowhere I remembered an email/forward that I received a loooonng time ago. It was a letter from a lady ranting about the Always slogan. I felt her frustration and searched and searched my email inbox until I found it. I LOVE IT! Too bad I didnt think of writing that first. HA!

Here it is...

This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying, jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you fucking kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull sh*t. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.

Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX

Midnight ramblings

2009-10-17T00:55:00.010-05:00

I should be asleep right now however my insomnia and ADD are completely out of hand. Yesterday I was up for 24 hours straight, I couldn't sleep 'cause my mind was racing at a million mph. WTF (I saw on some new show, "Modern Family" I think it was, where the dad character is using all this IM lingo and according to him WTF means "whatever the face" only I really mean WHAT THE F%*K lol)! Yeah... Anyhow... So I'm supposed to be asleep so I can be up early for my first meeting as "President" I came up with a vision for the club and some great ideas, we'll see how it goes. OMG, I know... ON A SATURDAY! We gotta do what we gotta do.

So I'm watching Anderson Cooper 360. I think I'm in love. I think it's his devilishly sexy silver hair or his side sweep (lol). He is sooo smart, makes my heart melt, and makes me speechless. Yeah I know... or think he plays for the other team. Damn, I'm sucker for gay men... Remember this... Just like they say... All the good ones are either taken or gay. Boohoo!

Just look at this Yummy Goodness. Be still my beating heart. ANDERSON COOPER... YOU TAKE MY BREATH AWAY!!!

On Anderson Cooper news...

Balloon Boy Drama: TOTALLY HOAX! His vomiting episodes on TV totally gave it away. Then... the home video was edited to cut out the part where the freakin' kid says "I'm gonna sneak inside". If he was my kid... I woulda whooped his ass. But then again, I'm not and I'm pretty sure it was a publicity stunt. C'mon now, the family was on wife swap. The balloon doesn't even look like it could hold a kid. GET REAL!

Baby that fell under the train... OMG! That shit is CRAZY! It's a miracle he is still alive. Ummm, I think that's why strollers have brakes... SO UR KID DOESN'T ROLL AWAY FROM YOU!

John Gosselin getting sued: That's what you get "Moe Foe" (My manfriend's favorite phrase) I know, I had a crush on him too. I think it'll be just my luck to find out in a couple of months that he is gay too. Only he is a total douche bag and I really wouldn't care if he was. I DESPISE PUBLICITY WHORES! I'm surprised OCTOMOM is MIA... well actually, I don't really watch TV its just a coincidence that I am watching now... but 'cause I'm crushing on AC.

Justice Nixes Inter-racial marriage: Ignorant sons of bitches that don't know better. I say we just kick 'em in the nuts... or the vag if they're chicks. Went to the bar last night and this black guy hit on me... Hmmm... I so shot him down... But I'm not racist. I know for a fact that he was a wife beater (I think/hope she left him) and that he had so many sexual harassment charges against him at his prior employment... How do I know... I used to work there, that was like almost 4 years ago and 'cause one of my close friends also used to work with him. And he is gross, SOOO NOT MY TYPE!

Pigs catch swine flu: WHOA! 'nuff said.

Self Help Guru & Sweat Lodge Homicides: Crazy... who would pay almost 10 grand to go to that crazy cult stuff?

Near Death Experience: Not exactly "near", Could be true I think... Sounds REALLY interesting... As a matter of fact, my aunt's boyfriend claims he had one. He told me his vision, which I would love to share with y'all, but um... I forgot what it was.

EMOTIONAL Roller coaster

2009-10-10T15:15:00.017-05:00

Emotional roller coaster, Multi (not bi)-Polar, or PMS? If you ask me, its all the same shit. This time of the month is the only time that I cant even stand MYSELF. Don't get me wrong... I LOVE everything about being a woman minus the hormones. Anything can set me off or open up the flood gates... um not that kind... GROSS... I mean tears. A few words of wisdom... When Cyn is PMSing... Run for cover. HIDE. I will chew you up and spit you out or make you feel very, VERY guilty for hurting my feelings. Did I mention not only am I the QUEEN OF RANDOM, I'm also a DRAMA QUEEN (only when PMSing otherwise I hate drama).

I went out with my girlfriends last night and I got in such a bad mood because we didn't go have a few drinks downtown, that's totally besides the point that I am spoiled rotten and I like things my way. The night ended up going good but it wasn't exactly my idea of a Friday night, but hey... I didn't spend the evening at home so its all gravy. I was watching TV this morning and I started crying. I was texting my manfriend a while ago and he text me something that upset me... I started crying... WTF I ACTUALLY STARTED CRYING! AND THEN... he said he was sorry and that he was sending me a surprise but it's not a surprise 'cause I already know what it was... 'Cause he told me, and then I was better again. OMG just kick me in the uterus so I can get over it already. To my friends and to those who get a taste of "The Wrath of Cyn"... Bless your hearts for still loving me even though I can be such a BIATCH!!!

I've got two weeks left of hormones raging before I'm back to normal self, that is... what I consider "normal". LOL.

That's Ms. President to you

2009-10-08T00:00:00.005-05:00

So I am officially President of the photography club at school. Whoa... Who woulda thought. Up until last night I didn't even wanna join. I came home from school so F'n tired. I crashed out close to 10 pm and woke up so refreshed at what I thought was the morning. It was 1215. I was like AWESOME!!!! I actually slept a whole night without waking up. Actually... it was 1215 am. So much for that :-/ Anyhow I started thinking about photography and how I needed to redo some assignments. Not cause I was told to, just cause I though I could do better. Then the whole idea came to mind... I'm gonna be PRESIDENT! That came out of nowhere. So then that was all I could think about. I re-shot my pics. My room is my little studio (haha like where else am I gonna shoot) and it literally looked like a tornado wiped out my room. Shit was everywhere... I MEAN EVERYWHERE!!! I had just hopped back into bed and then I felt the need to clean my room... at 3 in the morning. WTF! I couldn't sleep without doing it. It was CHAOS! I had a small path I could walk through but I did have to step over a few things.

We went over our portfolios at the club meeting. Of course mine were first... tough act to follow, I can honestly say my photos really stood out. I know I know so full of myself. But what can I say? I'm dedicated. Only thing is... we have a club full of members with AMAZING cameras. I kinda feel like the kid that had hand me down clothes at the beginning of a new school year. Almost embarrassed... but not too embarrassed. I started thinking of ways that I could get a new camera. OK so all the illegal options are out of the question. BOOHOO! :( Then I started thinking of fundraisers, but that's so much work. GOSH! Couldn't I be as privileged ... but then I thought... I actually appreciate what I have when I have to work for it. I just wish for once something awesome would happen like Ashton Kutcher would give me one of his cameras from the Nikon commercial, the one where he is like... all I need is my camera, and underwear. HA! OMG that would be SO F'N AMAZING!!! But fairy tales do not exist for people like me, we have to work hard for what we want... I dont work... so does that mean I wont get what I want? Sheila, if Devyn helps you win the lottery can you buy me a camera? lol... Um... PLEASE?

It's been almost a month...

2009-10-07T15:17:00.007-05:00

Since grams passed away... It feels like it was yesterday, everything is so fresh in my mind. It still seems surreal; something I cant quite grasp. I've been doing OK. Actually a lot better than I expected. My aunt (who has now moved in to watch over grandpa) and I sit outside at night and have a drink or two have these conversations about her. I wondered if I'm in some sort of denial 'cause I'm literally OK. I almost feel guilty for not being depressed or something. I mean... I loved my grams soooo much. I came to the conclusion that because we had such a great relationship and I did everything that I possibly could for her, it has helped me in my acceptance stage of grief. I'm sure that the anticipatory stage had a lot to do with it. Although one can never be "ready" to let go, I have had a year to process everything. She has been on my mind a lot these past few days... Last night I was so sure I could smell her. I loved how my grandma smelled, the soft powder she used to wear after her baths.

On another note...

Life has returned to normal, well sort of; you know what i mean... I started going out again. It felt weird to go out and have fun; to just LIVE. I had given up so much to care for grams, I would feel guilty just leaving her. My classes are going great with the exception for statistics. I F'n hate stats! My photography class is AWESOME!!! I think I've got some of the best pictures for having the WORST camera compared to everyone else. I am still very grateful to my dear friend Missy for lending me hers. I think its pretty sad that some of my classmates have AMAZING cameras and the quality of the pictures they produce just do not give it any justice. I'm not hating... SERIOUSLY... c'mon now. The only thing that sucks is that this class is very time consuming, but well worth it. I think I found a new hobby. I REALLY LOVE THIS CLASS. I just wish I had one a better camera, a DSLR. If I am doing great with a mediocre point and shoot, imagine the possibilities if I had a better one!

I guess that's it for now... I'm just at school killing time in between my 5 hour gap...

Here are some of my self portraits (can you tell I love myself? lol... WHAT?)

we had creative freedom so I went for it...

Vanity is "CYN"ful

It's looking a little blurry but it came out good.

I showed the pics to mom... She called this one the "porn" picture, and that's cause I had one where I barely had any clothes on covered with a scarf... like a a faux nude. She didn't call that one porn...
I have a lot to learn... but not bad for a couple weeks into the course.

Gone but not forgotten

2009-09-17T04:21:00.006-05:00

It's been a long and exhausting week. Grams passed away Friday September 11, 2009. She fought a courageous battle with cancer but God had other plans for her and called her to his kingdom. Grams was admitted to the hospital Tuesday night for severe pain, but we never expected she wouldn't make it out. I feel lost without her but I am at peace knowing she no longer suffers. I couldn't sleep Thursday, Friday, or Saturday. My heart felt empty and inconsolable. The service was beautiful. Grams looked so peaceful. Her wish was to have a closed casket because she didn't want anyone to see how thin she was, when grandpa went in to see her before everyone else at the funeral home, he was in awe at how beautiful she looked and made the decision to keep it open. I am glad he did. I got the courage to write a few words about my grandma to share with everyone. It was one of the most difficult things I ever had to do. My friend offered to help me read it because I didn't think I'd be able to and when the time came to go up, I looked around and she wasn't there. I debated staying quiet and not going up since no one knew about it but I knew in my heart I would regret it if I didn't. I broke down a couple times but I made it through. I don't remember much other than the shaking and crying and being consoled by my grandmother's friend. It was beautiful, I received many compliments, I just spoke the truth. Grams touched many lives; What a beautiful person she was. After I said the eulogy, a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I slept well and felt at peace. Monday was the funeral, I didn't cry much I just teared here and there mostly because of how proud I am of her and the legacy she left behind. I consoled my family, especially my grandpa. I cant get used to not having her here. I miss her so much. I devoted a lot of time caring for her alongside grandpa. I know she was proud of me and loved me so much, she always told me so. So as a new chapter in my life begins, I'll try to gather the pieces of my heart knowing life will never be the same. The sun will still rise, the birds will still sing, and life will go on, that's what she would want.

UPDATED**** 99 Problems and a man ain't one...

2009-09-04T13:25:00.007-05:00

No, I'm not going to list all my 99 problems... thank you very much! I don't have the time (nor do you) or the attention span to list all the meaningless bullsh*t that goes on. And... a man definitely ain't one, OK... well sort of... Marco's fighting his way back into the pic but he still ain't my man.

School started back up. It's going good so far. My photography class seems awesome!!! Only there's a problem... My instructor wants me to buy a camera that's like... worth a grand. OMG! Are you FREAKIN' kidding me??? The camera costs more than the damn class itself. Look Mister... I am a college student who doesn't work. I don't work because I am (although taking a semester off) a nursing student, and working is frowned upon because it shows your lack of commitment to the program. It's all about sacrifices and if I have to starve because I don't work... so be it! Anyhow... back to "What part of broke ass student" don't you get? And as fun as this new "hobby" maybe, there is no way in hell I can afford to get a DSLR Cannon or Nikon.
I found this one... But its worth like $1300... It's a beauty... I think lol. It has all the specs he is looking for.

So I shopped around for a mediocre one... It's a Sony... And it will work

AND GUESS WHAT??? It's only $700. ONLY!!! Are you freakin' kidding me? I'm still using my computer that I bought in 2001 'cause I cant afford a new one and I'm supposed to spend $700 on a camera? OMG! God help me! But this one's it... I think I seriously need to hurry up and get that Flirty Girl Fitness Video and start learning some moves 'cause by the sounds of it... my ass needs to hit the pole and ASAP!!!, lol. Next time you hear T-Pain singin' I'm in luv wit a stripper... think of me! I picked out my name already (you'll have to come see me to find out) and a couple songs (Benny Benassi "Satisfaction", Peaches "F*%K the Pain away") to dance to... So to avoid this... All pride aside, I'm humbly asking for donations to afford my camera (not really... but now that I think about it, it's not exactly a bad idea). I don't think my family appreciates the art of pole dancing in the buff.

I borrowed my friend Missy's Camera. It's just a point and shoot and barely acceptable. He said it will "suffice" 'till I can get a new camera... and that my work will definitely show. Ummm. OK! So this is what I borrowed 'cause he laughed at my poor little HP camera. Seriously... He laughed. Only the lens is scratched. And yes... I know... my work will show it.

Moving on... Grams finally got some pain meds... Awesome!!! She is resting more and we are resting more... I still have insomnia but at least I get a little rest. And my addiction to diet coke (I only add vodka on Fridays and Saturdays) is definitely not helping... I drink it so late that it's contributing to the insomnia. Ugh... and that caffeine free diet coke just doesn't do the job. :-/

Lastly... Yes, I mentioned my on again off again bf is trying to weasel his way back. That's all I'm gonna say about it. I'll figure it out as I go.

♥♥♥♥♥♥

Facing my Fears...

I just faced my biggest fear. I guess I just thought if I didn't... it would just go away. I was giving grams her daily massage and I just got the courage to grab my stethoscope and just listen. I avoided it for over a year. When I went to chemo with her three weeks ago, the nurses were more than helpful. I talked to them and told them how I was in nursing school. They encouraged me to go into the field of oncology. I've thought about it, especially when I had the opportunity to go to Vannie E. Cook Children's oncology and hematology. That was a wonderful experience, but we'll see. The charge nurse explained everything to me. She showed me how to calculate chemo dosages and basically explained everything she was doing. They were very helpful and my grandmother thinks they are wonderful nurses; they are! The charge nurse assessed my grams and asked "do you listen to her lungs at home? It's a great learning experience." I know it is but I just couldn't do it. I said that I didn't want to, and she looked at me awkwardly, she said I could use her stethoscope to listen. I just nodded my head, choked up, and had to leave the room. I was avoiding reality. Like I said... If I didn't listen, it wouldn't be there. That obviously isn't how life works. So I placed my stethoscope on her back, and just listened. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. She has 24% hydropneumothorax, I expected to hear crackles and I didn't, I'm not sure what I heard but I wanna say it was pleural friction. Guess I gotta work on that. I'm glad I got the courage to finally do this. Now I have a baseline for future assessments, I'll be able to know when she is getting better or worse. Anyhow I'm now watching The Green Mile on Bravo. Makes me wish John Coffee was real But my faith in God is real and whether or not this cancer goes away, I leave it in his hands. She has two more weeks of chemo and then another CT scan. We'll see how this treatment is going. Keep her in your prayers.

New Beginnings...

2009-08-31T21:55:00.012-05:00

♥I just got home from school a while ago and I am so freakin' tired. After two years of straight nursing I couldnt imagine life beyond it. I love nursing... It's my passion. So when I found out I failed (let me reiterate that I DIDNT FAIL, I got a 74, which is still bad, but according to nursing standards a 75 is passing) my fourth and final semester, I almost died, but didnt. Since I'm being forced to take a semester off, I decided to take regular classes so I'd have something to do. It felt weird not wearing my ciel blue scrubs. I despised those scrubs. I hated looking like a blue smurf. But now... I miss my scrubs. It's akward having to wake up in the morning and having to pick out something to wear. And so you mean... I can actually wear my favorite Vans to school instead of tidy whitey sneaks? OMG! That's about all I look forward to. But... I think I'm gonna wear them anyway. lol J/K I was hella excited about my first class... aerobic dance. I got to school in my workout clothes. The first day totally kicked my ass. NOT!!! How boring. All I got was a freakin syllabus and a lame as statement from the instructor saying she has never taught the course nor has she ever taken an aerobics class and for the first two weeks we wont be exercising and when we do, we will utilize videos. WTF! you gotta be kidding me. I know I didnt just pay for a class to work my ass off so I can watch some lame video that I could do at home. (BTW... Missy and I are gonna get that "Flirty Girl Fitness Video"... yeah and it comes with a free lap dance video TOO... It's what I always wanted... to be a stripper in the privacy of my own home!!! LOL). I'm not sure you can handle all my sexiness. lol. I realized there was no where for me to change and since I was forced to park two miles away (Literally... and I guess I got my workout) and I didnt wanna carry all the extra stuff (clothes) I changed in my truck! Exciting I know. But I'm smooth like that. No one saw... so I think. lol.

♥I realized that I hate the "Pecan" or "Main"campus (one of the many campuses affiliated with my regular school (Nursing & Allied Health). I hate stupid kids who think they know it all and wear stilletos like they're going to a freakin' club then complain about it. AND I ESPECIALLY HATE WHEN THEY SAY THEY ARE IN SCHOOL CAUSE THEIR PARENTS MADE THEM GO OR ELSE THEY'D HAVE TO WORK. (Kinda sounds like my SIL) I miss MY campus. Where you have to be accepted to get in (besides getting accepted into college), where everyone is a medical PROFESSIONAL, and the students are not like, "OMG, that guy is soooo HAWTTT!!!", "Do I have lipstick on my teeth?". I was SOOO annoyed that these people were in my way and taking up my oxygen. I'm not one for drama, I am waaaaaay too old for that shit... Seriously though... Young chicks=TOO MUCH D-R-A-M-A! So that obviously means I dont wanna know about your drama and get the F**K out of my face. I have a splitting headache and I lost my glasses. >:-(. OK enough ranting.

♥Despite all the negative stuff I had to say... I am truly an optimist. Truth of the matter is, I got my workout anyway. I walked from my truck (which was REALLLLLY far away) and I carried two huge-super-heavy books all day 'cause I didn't take a back pack (that's no one's fault but my own). My arms are gonna be so sore. Even though I don't get to work out for a while, I will eventually get to. I get to go to my photography class tomorrow. I'm not exactly looking forward to Spanish or Statistics... but I need them, so I will make the best of it. I will maintain an "ATTITUDE OF GRATITUDE" because I am blessed and fortunate to go to school. I miss my "old school" friends dearly and wish them luck 'cause they start preceps tomorrow!

♥And last but not least... Mortimer the Frog died. :(. I've been so stressed I didn't even really care anymore. I feel guilty now after the fact for thinking "that is one less responsibility". I know... very crappy on my part. I buried him... well not really. I was too tired to dig a hole so I put him on a pile of leaves in the back and just threw some more on top. UGH... And some of you might think... who cares, its just a frog. That may be so... but it was MY frog, and as grossed out as I got if I had to touch it, I raised it for three years.

♥Time for bed... I'm beat!

a little here and there

2009-08-29T19:05:00.003-05:00

I mentioned before that I just haven't felt like blogging or writing. I've got a lot going on at the moment and it just seems as everything else is rather... insignificant. I guess I'm just gonna go ahead and vent, after all, writing is a means for me to express myself in a one way therapeutic session.

♥♥♥♥♥♥

Remembering the greatest gift God ever gave me...

An Angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth. And whispered as she closed the book "too beautiful for earth."

It gets easier as time goes on, but I'll never forget. Mom and I talked about it the last time she was here. I still remember how excited she was, how excited we all were. I'll never forget that dreadful day, and how I felt; numb, angry, morose... I don't talk about this much openly, I just keep it between me and God. 4 years ago today, and I still remember it clearly.

♥♥♥♥♥♥

Grams

She's not doing any better, in fact... I hate to admit I see her declining more and more. She is down to 80 pounds and is sleeping less and less while the pain is intensifying. The midnight back rubs are also increasing, but they help her sleep. So even if I have to wake up three times a night, I will. She always did say I had "healing hands". That means I am awake more at night. I find myself tired and stressed... and that's 'cause she calls on grandpa more than me. I'm on edge and often battling frustration. I never let her see it, though. I don't ever want her to think she is a burden, because she is not. I just ask God to give me patience, and He does. Some say, "I cant see her like that, It's too painful" or "I'm scared to see her like that"but truth of the matter is that she has been there for everyone of us. Don't you think she is scared? She is a loosing a battle to Cancer. Her own body is killing her, suffocating her. Where are you when she needs you? I'm just disappointed, but I know in my heart I am doing everything I can.

Her body is so frail;

Skin so cold and pale.

Sunken cheeks and eyes;

Scared but never cries.

Every breath is a struggle for air;

For her this burden, I wish to bare.

Overwhelmed by pain;

Chemo still infused through her vein.

This Cancer consuming her is very swift;

Thus every moment is a priceless gift.

♥♥♥♥♥♥

I think I need a vacation... Seriously. I debated on going to visit mom, but I cant help but feel guilty for not being home with grams. I went to a BBQ last night with my girlfriends. It was nice just getting out. I haven't been doing much of that lately. I remember when my life was all about partying. Whoa! Where did those days go? I mean it was less than a year ago. I'm OK with it... it gets a little old. I started going to church on Wednesdays... It's a little different from Sunday service but I really like it. My life seems to be going in a different direction, I actually find peace in that. Anyways, I guess I'm done venting. Not much else going on. School starts back up on Monday. Yay! lol. I signed up for photography. Pretty excited about that. Wish me luck! Oh yeah... I almost forgot... My frog is sick. ;(. Yeah I have a frog. Gross I know. But I started to collect froggies... like stuffed frogs years ago and one day I saw a cute little frog at Wal-mart. But it turned into this 5 inch slime ball that I have grown accustomed to. He was like super fat... now he has lost weight, wont eat or swim. Ugh... I don't like touching slimy things so I gross out even thinking about force feeding him... YUCK! OK that's all lol.

Back to school

2009-08-25T22:30:00.004-05:00

♥So... school starts back up on Monday. I obviously wont be taking any nursing classes since I am being punished. I guess I'm just taking busy classes... ya know... to keep me busy. I totally feel like Sheila; I have no drive to write... AT ALL! I went down to school today to write and submit a letter to the program chair as to why I was unsuccessful in my class. Of course my letter was AWESOME! C'mon now... this is me, Cyn, MASTER of letter writing. Just ask anyone who's received one. I became a pro at writing when I worked for A&M-CC Police Dept. If you only knew how many times I got myself in trouble, I think my file was so thick they needed a whole file cabinet just for me lol. But there is nothing my sweet talkin' cant get me out of. Other than trying to get back into the nursing program this fall. It's all politics. It's been done before... but I may as well get over it already. Like I said, this is just a better opportunity to spend more time with grams.

♥I am excited about this semester, I'm signing up for two kinesiology classes and like three others not worth mentioning. Eh... I could seriously use the exercise, lol. What better motivation is there than to be graded on it? I'll keep y'all updated on that. I'll also be spending more time through out the semester at my nursing campus to work on that portfolio I mentioned previously. Some say its busy work, and it probably is... but I seriously feel I could benefit from it.

♥I guess that's all folks... not much to say at the moment... not much going on.

Let downs

2009-08-21T17:56:00.005-05:00

I had my meeting with my instructor on Wednesday. Needless to say, it didn't go the way I planned. Seems like a multitude of things haven't been going the way I planned all of a sudden. Remember how I mentioned my truck broke down? OK, so it got fixed Tuesday, just in time for my appointment. Well, since I was confined all weekend and half of the week, I escaped my cave (because I was tired of living like a hermit) and went over to Missy's to have a drink. Truck was fine. I was thrilled. I head out to my appointment on Wednesday and my truck breaks down again. Yes... The belt again. I call my instructor explaining my situation. It's OK, she'll wait, she understands. I pull in to the mall right off the next exit. I call my cousin Sheila since she is normally all over town working. She rescues me. I make it to my appointment. Before I head to the office, I call dad.

Me: Um... the band broke again, I got a ride from Sheila,
Dad: (All Pissed off) Well I'm not putting anymore money into your truck. I'll pick it up tonight.
Me: (Click; I hang up) %^&*(%^&*()(&^^&*$%^&*%^&*

Yeah... enough said. Ughhh... he pisses me off. I cant even remember the last time he worked on my truck besides Tuesday. (There's more to the story but let's save that for another post)

I get to the office. Actually, she was in (you know who's office, If not refresh yourself with this post) Despite every explanation and desperate attempt to secure my seat back into the program this fall, I was unsuccessful. Apparently they don't feel it is enough time for me to grasp what I missed. They obviously aren't listening! It's not that I don't grasp the material, I just had some distractions. No use, I just stormed off. I went downstairs and saw some of my friends, they were taking the second exit exam. Some of my really good friends were still upstairs testing. Anyhow... I sat and chatted with them for a bit. They started to talk about how they didn't have to try since they had already passed the first exam and how they were excited that they found their preceptors for their 160 hour preceptorship. I couldn't help but feel a sense of depersonalization. Kinda like an out of body experience. I heard them talking but all of a sudden I started to feel like I was drifting. I should have been there too, excited about my preceptorship in the ER, and how pinning is a month and a half away... prepping for NCLEX. Like this is all just a bad dream and I'm just waiting to wake up. I just felt like I didn't belong anymore. Anyway... its not a dream and I'm definitely not waking up. I am happy for them. Actually, I am so proud of them I just wish things had gone better for me.

Little by little some of my friends started come downstairs. Some had a sigh of relief, they passed. Some didn't even try at all since they passed on the first try. Others were devastated that despite all the studying, they didn't pass. All I could do was offer a few words of comfort encouraging them. I let them know that I understand how it feels and reassured them that it is not the end of the world, as they did for me.

Letting Go

2009-08-19T11:10:00.005-05:00

"To live in this world, you must be able to do three things: to love what is
mortal; to hold it against your bones knowing your own life depends on it; and,
when the time comes to let it go, let it go""

♥(Forgive me for being Vague, I often have this tendency) Have you ever wanted something so bad? Well... there are a lot of things I want SOOOO bad especially one (Aside from nursing). And... perhaps this desire that I have may not be so good for me (OK... well its not bad either, per say). I believe that I will not so much benefit from it, more like it will consume a lot of my energy and effort. But that's what you do, Right? You sacrifice for things you want. You learn what it means to live for something else. Something other than "ME". Maybe I never had a chance in the first place, but I it felt so damn good when I "tried it on". I can honestly say that I have felt this once before, but that's the past and neither here, nor there. I don't know... I guess I have been thinking a lot lately and I'm starting to feel it just might not be worth the effort. I feel I'm letting it go. Like the saying goes "If it's meant to be...it will be" and like my FAV Jack Johnson sang "Time doesn't wait... That's OK because I don't wait for time." It's pointless waiting around for something that may never come around. All I can do is leave it in God's hands and maybe something better may come along.

Going out of my Mind

2009-08-18T12:04:00.003-05:00

♥YES... I'm still truck-less. Dad stopped by after 6 on Sunday like he said. Then I get a call. Um, Bibis (that's what my mom and dad call me)... It got dark and I cant see anything so you're truck will have to wait until tomorrow. AHHH WTF!!! Why does this always happen to me??? Monday came and went... I didn't see dad. Nor did I bother calling him. I figured if he had time, he would have come by. So... I have been bored out of my mind. I cant stand another minute of being confined in my cave of a room. I actually... DARE I SAY IT... Watched TV. I HATE to watch TV! I started off watching some show about Tsunamis or something. I didn't finish watching it all. I cant sit through an entire show... ADD. I did a little cleaning. Watched Intervention (that show is actually pretty good and made me sit through a couple episodes). Got on the computer. I watched more TV: Cake Boss (that's funny) and Jon and Kate plus 8 (I used to love that show... It sucks now. I don't want to watch stupid mini vacations I cant be on! Show me drama, show me real life stuff... it is, after all, a reality show, not something that should be on the travel channel). Yada yada... So I have done ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. I'm still at home. I've been depressed that I cant do anything, I actually sleep till noon, like I seriously just woke up. But I stayed up until 3 watching Cold Case, well parts of it. I have not seen that much TV since I was in middle school addicted to talk shows. I wish I was back in school.

♥Speaking of school... I have my appointment tomorrow instead of Friday. I'm really praying for some good news! I hope to get back into the program this Fall semester. I am determined to do so and I will NOT take "no" for an answer...

♥Why am I still sleepy? I slept 9 hours. That is more than I used to get in an entire week. OMG!

♥ So that exam I would have taken Monday didn't go so well for some of my friends. I just reassured them that everything was gonna be OK. They have to take the HESI exit exam next and they get to take it twice. I don't worry about them... They'll be OK!

True story... I can laugh now... Like... After the fact

2009-08-16T12:43:00.007-05:00

♥So the morning started off on the wrong foot. I went to bed really late cause I couldn't sleep. What's new? Anyhow... grandpa wakes me up to go sit with grams so he can go to church... This is like at 0730-ish. I wake up, groggy and grumpy. Sit on the recliner next to hers and attempt to get a little more shut eye. So what's the point??? Basically, I didn't get any till grandpa got back, got like maybe 30 minutes or so. I had to hurry and get ready for Sunday service because in those thirty minutes that I happened to fall asleep, I hit the snooze button when the alarm went off. SHIT!!! I couldn't decide on what to wear. I called and called Missy to wake her up. She didn't. Guess she's not going. Hop in my truck and rush off to church... I'm already running late. I call my friend Inez and tell her to save me a seat since I'm half way there. I hang up, and hear a rattling sound coming from my truck. HMMMM??? I think I got an aluminum can stuck under the truck... No time to worry about that... it will get loose. I gotta make it to church. I hear another sound, AWESOME!!!! I think that can got loose!!! But wait!!! My truck sounds funny. :-/... UH OH!!!! I look at the temperature gauge! It's all the way to HOTTTT!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I pull over and start to feel the power steering or lack of it... I call Inez... Ummm, I'm not gonna make it. Sorry... She asks if I want her to pick me up so I can still make it to church... I think about it and decide not to because It's just my luck to have someone see my truck parked along the expressway and I'm MIA, having a jolly time and people are worried about me. I call my dad instead... "Dad I'm by the "I" road exit... Come get me! My truck messed up... I think it was the belt... Hurry! It's hottt (Of course it's hot... This all happened at 1200, the HOTTEST PART OF THE DAY!) Dad says to get off the truck and check under the hood. Uh, NO! I'm not getting off. There is a lot of traffic and its HOT! Hurry, come now! I'm already sweating and my face is melting, my make-up is smearing!

♥about 15 minutes later... dad gets there with My aunt's BF Joe. He tells me to pop the hood open so he can check it... Sure enough... it's the belt. How did I know??? Well... I kept hearing a really screechy noise and well I know that's the belt... But I didn't tell anyone... AND IF I HAD... this wouldn't have occurred. ;( OK, its all my fault but I'm like super busy I didn't have time to report it. Back to the story... Dad leaves the A/C on in his truck so that his spoiled rotten QUEEN DIVALICIOUS daughter (ME, DUH) can go sit in it while they hook up her truck to his to get it home. So while dad and Joe are out side sweating, I am in the fresh A/C thinking how I might blog about my incident. So I take some pics... Of me... not the truck... or the men working on my truck... OOOH that one's cute... so I take another... lol... You'll never guess what happens next...

♥Or can you??? OK humor me... Take a wild guess... This is fun... Don't ya think? Dad's A/C blew out. LMAO!!! that is what I get for being a narcissistic whiny brat! So, I never made it to my destination, and I am truck-less until about 6 or so... 'Cause dad says it's TOO HOTTT!!! OH WELLL!!!

It's not the end of the world...

2009-08-08T15:12:00.005-05:00

∞ Even though it kinda feels like it right now, no... It is NOT the end of the world. Bad news. I didn't pass. In the end, I missed my final by three points... I needed a 79 and ended up with a 76. I am devastated. Mostly because I was determined to pass so that I could make my grams proud. I had a hard time telling her. My grandparents know I tried my best. I know the material. ALL OF IT. I just don't know why I blank when it's on paper. Anyways, well no use dwelling on it. I need to make an appointment with the program chair to see about taking the class again. There is this whole committee process. I'm not exactly sure how it goes but I hear there is a lot involved. I may be able to take it again right away and graduate by December, which is great 'cause that only sets me back two months, or I may have to wait out a semester or two which might not allow me the opportunity to make grams proud. I am so proud of my friends who passed and get to move on to the next milestone. I wont get to be with them but I'll be there on the sidelines cheering them on. ∞
∞ So while everyone was out celebrating last night... I sat outside while my aunt and vodka kept me company. And when life gives you lemons, drink tequila! I had some of that too. I kinda joked about retaking the class... I thought, well at least I get to see "you know who" again, lol. ∞

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine...FYI

2009-08-04T23:13:00.003-05:00

I received this in an email...

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine...
And those who don't.

As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials,
Scientists have demonstrated that if we drink
1 liter of water each day,
At the end of the year we would have absorbed
More than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria
Found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop..

However,
We do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer
(or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor)
Because alcohol has to go through a purification process
Of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:

Water = Poop,
Wine = Health.

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
Than to drink water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I'm doing it as a public service!

∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞

As I mentioned before... I took my last exam.

I spoke with my professor

and he calculated what I needed to

score on my final to pass

the course.

...

It's do-able, Yes

but its gonna be tough.

I am shitting bricks

and maybe the fear will knock

some sense into me.

...

Wouldn't it be easy to rewind time?

I wish I could do it all over

and step up my game.

Well, my game was on

but the exams were hard,

and now that I know what to expect,

I would do better.

Life doesn't work that way

So I will play the hand I have been dealt

...

Keep praying for me & Grams

Last chance...

2009-08-03T23:59:00.001-05:00

"My will shall shape the future. Whether I fail or succeed shall be no
man's doing but my own. I am the force; I can clear any obstacle before me or I
can be lost in the maze. My choice; my responsibility; win or lose, only I hold
the key to my destiny."
♥ I had an exam today... It was the last of four. I studied harder than I ever have, I was committed to this HARDCORE! I slept 3 hours a night if that. I was SOOOO positive...NOPE! I didn't even have a single melt down. Last night I went to bed at 2 (talking to RJ), woke up at 5 to meet my friends at Whataburger to squeeze in a little more studying. I get to class at 8 and I can feel it in my bones that I am gonna rock it! I get my test... 1st part... Neuro... I got this... 2nd part... Endocrine... WTF!!! I mean I know this stuff. What sucks is that our exams aren't knowledge based. It's all application. Well... I didn't pass my exam. ;( I got a 74. Remember, in nursing world 75 is passing. 1 freakin' point... one question... So now I need to score an 80 on my final to pass. It's do-able, but I only have three days to study. I'm am shakin' in my knickers folks. I cant afford to fail. I have to do this. I need to make my grandma proud, she needs to see me graduate because chances are, she might not be around if I have to wait to take the course again. I don't have anyone to blame but myself. But I was feeling good about this, what happened? Well, I'm not a quitter, it's not in my nature. I am gonna get my 80 or better. I am gonna pass. I NEED to. Wish me luck... and keep me and grams in your prayers. ♥

Blessings

2009-07-28T19:32:00.005-05:00

♥Last week started off on the wrong foot. We received the results from gram's CT-Scan. The news was not good. We found out that while grams was trying to recover from pneumonia, the cancer spread to her lymph nodes and liver. The prognosis isn't good, I'll just leave it at that. While I'm finding ways to channel my frustrations and grief, I understand I have a lot on my plate right now and that can not be my main/only focus. At first she just gave in, said she didn't want to suffer and enjoy what little time she has left. I guess she felt defeated. Grams is pretty scared, I mean, who wouldn't be. So she changed her mind. She kinda played the blame game as to why we didn't "force" her to go to Houston sooner, we encouraged her but she said she was just too tired and weak, and that the doctors here would take care of her (they didn't). We tried getting her in at MD Anderson but they wouldn't accept her because she is too weak to walk and cant sit for 8 hours. Fuck... I cant sit for 1, that makes no sense. My grandma's friend from Nebraska mentioned sending her to Mayo in Phoenix. My aunt looked it up, sounds like a plan, however, no matter what because the cancer "mets", she will be on clinical trials. So she looked up doctors from all over the world involved in clinical trials. We found one a couple hours from home. So hopefully we'll get that rolling soon. Taking part of this opportunity is a blessing in it self. YAY... She is not ready to give up just yet.

♥On a better note, my great-grandmother celebrated her 100th birthday on Friday, well that was the day of the party, her actual birthday was on Saturday. It was great! Family I hadn't seen in years were there, Mariachis played, the Mayor of the city honored her with a plaque and made July 25th Anita S. Day.... WOW!!! Unfortunately, I had class so I was only able to make it for an hour or so. I love my Nana SOOOO MUCH and an truly blessed to have had her for so long. (In the Pic... My Nana and her two surviving children, my maternal grandfather (Grandpa Greg and his sister, Tia Pola)

C-A-N-C-E-R

2009-07-26T21:01:00.004-05:00

COUGH.

You have a cold.

Or is it allergies?

Could be TB?

Oh its nothing...

Take more meds.

X-rays.

Spot on lung.

Dr. says it's nothing.

X-rays. X-rays. X-rays.

Oh it's just scarring.

But She's not getting better.

CT-Scans.

It's definitely something.

CANCER.

FEAR.

She asks...

Are you sure?

Will it hurt?

Will I live?

I'm scared.

How do I deal?

What can I do to make her better?

She has to beat this!

I cant see my life without her.

At least no yet.

ANGER.

No anger.

It just is.

She is calm.

We are calm-

For her.

She will fight this.

We will fight this.

Just have faith.

Trust in GOD.

BARGAINING.

She never asked why.

But I did

I've never seen her cry.

But I did

Dear God...

It's me again...

Why her?

I need her.

You cant do this.

I promise...

If you'll...

Just make it go away.

The Pain

The tumor

The cough

DEPRESSION.

Pneumonia.

Stop Chemo.

Stop Radiation.

It's not going away.

IV drips at home.

Needles.

Antibiotics.

Bolus fluids.

Oxygen.

Still no treatment.

Still not getting any better.

CT-Scan.

Bad news.

It spread.

How long?

NO!

I'm scared.

She is scared.

We are scared.

I cry.

She says stop.

I cant focus.

I cant think.

My grades are slipping.

You need to fight harder.

I need to do it for her.

She changed her mind.

She is scared.

She's not ready.

Houston?

Phoenix?

Just go.

ACCEPTANCE.

Not ready to quit

To stop fighting

But I know no matter what

Everything Will be OK.

Determination = Success

2009-07-20T21:28:00.012-05:00

"Never let your head hang down. Never give up and sit down and grieve. Find
another way. And don't pray when it rains if you don't pray when the sun
shines"

♥ I'm back! And Guess what that means? Yes my Darlings, It's true, I passed my exam... A week of no sleep, power naps on my Med/Surg book hoping to absorb the info via osmosis (Just kidding, but I did doze off on that 20 lb. book more than I would have liked, and btw, my book is still under my pillow), Oh, and I think that osmosis thing did work because when I did manage to get a wink of sleep, all I could dream of was the liver, kidneys, gallbladder, pancreas, ERCP, EGD's, and colonoscopys. Those 7 hour study groups definitely paid off. I know this shit like the back of my hands. C'mon, I dare you to challenge me!

♥ OK, so I didn't Ace the exam but I was close. At least I can say that I tried my best. Sure I made STUPID mistakes but it happens. Either way, I am pleased with the end result. Actually, I am pleased with my determination, but it didn't start off that way...

♥ As I mentioned in a previous post I let some distractions get in the way of my focus and my grade definitely showed it. I had a MAJOR reality check and I needed to get my ass in gear. I hardly ate, I didn't sleep, my nerves were on edge. I was so determined to study, study, study, that I didn't give myself a break. That in itself blocked my concentration, oh yeah and the ADD. By Friday, I wasn't absorbing anything anymore. I didn't have enough strength to even listen to the last lecture (And yes it was my favorite teacher). I went to go drink with my aunt Friday after study group. I returned for my 7 hour sessions Saturday and Sunday and I didn't study anymore at home. Sunday I fell apart. I left my study group trembling. I had my favorite combo, wine and cigarettes. My heart raced, my body flushed, and the tears poured. I was so scared that despite the hard work, I would let myself down. Too much rested on my shoulders and I was starting to scare myself, but I guess that's what I needed. My friend suggested we go have a drink but her license was expired so we had to leave, It's OK their vodka and diet coke sucks, and I didn't wanna spend my money there anyway. She then suggested some retail therapy. I thought of a great idea to motivate myself and keep positive, I was gonna buy something for my future apartment, BECAUSE I'M GONNA GRADUATE! But I didn't like anything. So then I was like, I know... I'm gonna wear my red lipstick to class because I get sassier and I figured it might give me some more confidence, but I forgot it ;(. I had also bought some "Smarties". You know... those tiny little sweet-n-tangy candy rolls. I got the idea from Maddie, my high school teacher (who btw... is a Nurse and one of my mentors) who used to give them to us before our exams. I thought it was a cute gesture and I wanted to share that with my classmates. Guess what? I forgot those too. Was all this a terrible omen? Apparently not!

♥ Fortunately... I kept repeating my affirmations (Remember this post...) and despite the struggle and the occasional bouts of insecurity, I remained determined. I mentioned that the pastor writes his sermons for me, Right? J/K not really, but they always seems to fit. He mentioned if you say something long enough, you start to believe it, and it will happen. That's why I have my affirmations (and GOD) and I intend to keep them, 'cause they keep me positive.

♥ So as the quote states above I didn't feel sorry for myself (the tears were those of frustration not pity), I didn't raise my white flag and surrender. I found the way to conquer what was holding me back and with God and my HUGE support system behind me, I prevailed. My study group is the best, I couldnt have done it with out them... We just kept saying:

♥ WE CAN DO IT!
♥ WE CAN DO IT!
♥ WE CAN DO IT!

And so we did...

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

So now that all that is over atleast untill tomorrow, I can rest. I got home today, as tired as I was, and I spent time with grams. I just crawled in bed with her like the old days. She was in some pain so I rubbed her back and massaged her feet. She saw me closing my eyes (I could barely keep them open) so she patted me like she did when I was little, and I fell asleep. She has lost more weight, down to 90 pounds... not good. She has an appointment to get her results from her CT scan. I've been praying it's some good news. Also... her hair has grown almost to what it was before she lost it all. She now goes to her appointments with out her wig, a scarf, or a hat. 8-D. I was browsing through my pics and I found this one I took of my grams before she was sick. I have neglected my family, my friends (Tiff & Missy I MISS YOU), my fish, and TROY...OK, OK, and myself, but its gotta be like that for a couple more weeks, just hang on in there with me.

NO MORE F'N AROUND!!!

2009-07-15T21:49:00.006-05:00

This is it y'all. Only three weeks left of class time before the HESI and NCLEX and as I posted before, I am at my worst. I have lost sight of my aim as that is soooo unlike me. I have distractions left and right from home to .... well, everywhere. I got my mid-term grade and I am not at all pleased with myself. I made the ultimate decision to drop everything and everyone around me (yes... even my grandparents) and solely focus on my studies. I am doing this for them so I can make them proud. I am doing this for MYSELF to make MY DREAMS COME TRUE.

So... What does this mean? This means I wont be posting any blogs up unless it's about how STOKED I am for ROCKIN' my next exams (AND I WILL!) I know, I know... How will all my fans (Ummm. All 2 of you, lol) live a day without me? You'll survive. Keep me in your hearts and prayers.

I have prepared my affirmations (OK we had a mandatory meeting after class, the lady said I need affirmations, a mantra, and some exercise, lol guess it cant hurt, Right...? So a few of them are...
♥I am an intelligent woman
♥I will be an RN
♥I can overcome any obstacle
♥I WILL PASS MY EXAMS
♥I am brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous
♥I love myself unconditionally

(OK so I borrowed some from the handout they gave us and my favorite quote... SO WHAT! It's gonna get the job done!

Wish me luck
XOXO CYN

"We grow great by dreams.
All big men are dreamers.
They see things in the soft haze of a spring day or in the red fire of a long winter's evening. Some of us let these great dreams die, but others nourish and protect them;
Nurse them through bad days till they bring them to the sunshine and light which comes always to those whose sincerely hope that their dreams will come true."
Woodrow Wilson.

When it rains, it pours

2009-07-13T14:05:00.013-05:00

♥ These last few days have not been going all too well. Before I go into the negative, I'd like to at least highlight the positive... Mom came into town for her vacation, luckily she was able to make it to a family member's funeral (mom's cousin or something). I always cherish the time we spend together because I don't get to see her as often as I'd like. What I don't like is sharing her with everyone (I am very territorial of my mother). She arrived on Wednesday but I had a crap load of paperwork to do before my clinicals the next day so I didn't get to see her. Basically I spent as much time with her as I could before she left even though I needed to do some serious cramming for my exam (today). We went swimming, shopping, dining, and just hung out. It was great! I miss her already ; (. I went to Sunday service with Missy. We hadn't gone in like two months or longer; just laziness and not making the effort to go. I think it's funny how the "word" always seems to apply.

♥ Now the negative... I made an ass out of myself Friday night. I wont go into the specifics on that lets just say "Blame it on the A-A-A-A-A-A Alcohol", lol. I knew what I was doing I guess... so no excuses. I was gone all weekend because, as I mentioned, mom was in town. That meant that grandpa was here at home all day long, by himself with grams. So, I just felt I got the "you're leaving again" look, not only that, I tried studying a little before class during the week and I wouldn't get out of my cave of a room 'till I had to get ready for school, which starts at noon on most days, and so I'd get the "Damn you're just waking up" disgusted look since I was still in my pajamas. One of my fish died on Saturday, I had it for three years. I felt guilty because I didn't make it a proper burial. I flushed it down the toilet and just said, "(Sigh)... Oh well". We went to have lunch after Sunday service, I sat down and decided to move the chair by the wall cause Missy was sitting there but on the opposite side (I hate not having someone sit in front of me). Anyhow, I placed my purse on the seat. This server (not ours) dropped a salad bowl all over my purse and didn't even say sorry until she saw a disgruntled look on my face. Missy heard our server say "Now there's a free meal". I guess he thought I was gonna throw a bitch fit. She came back like five minutes later saying oh I'm sorry. I thought to myself, "A little late don't you think?" but I kept my remarks to myself. I told Missy, Gee, I guess I don't need a to go box since there is already food in my purse. She sees me wiping the lettuce and vinaigrette dressing off my purse so she brings me a wipey. OK, this is like a Clorox wipe and it will probably ruin the leather. I guess it was a nice gesture. Then I asked our waiter for a little extra Alfredo sauce for my pasta because it was pretty dry. He brings it and spills it in my drink. NO, I didn't make a big deal, about any of it. And no, I didn't get a free meal or a discount. Imagine if I hadn't moved from that seat, I would have had salad all over my new blouse. So I go to my study group and I cant focus. ADD is on full force. I try to absorb as much as I can. Well, I failed my test today. and the previous exam as well. I am so disappointed with myself. I don't know what is going on with me these days. The members of my study group were so excited that they passed since some failed the last one. Oh, Cyn, did you pass? How did you do? OMG, I passed YAY!, did you? Nope not me. This is so unlike me. I don't know what I am doing wrong. I was happy for them, but we are midway through the final semester and I am FAILING (Not drastically, but when I don't do as well as I expect, I spazz out). I hurried out of the building feeling defeated while trying to fight off the tears of shame and disappointment.

♥ On the flip side, I am not one to give up. I can only try my best and have faith in myself that I will rise above what brings me down. So I'm gonna take a nap, and hit the books. I am gonna block out all the distractions and just focus on my studies. My friends are all concerned 'cause I turned off my phone, OK guys, I'm not on suicide watch. lol. I just needed a moment to regain my composure. I swear I had like 15 missed calls and three times the text messages. Cyn... I know your there... ANSWER UR FUCKIN' PHONE!...HEY... Where are you?... why aren't you answering?...are you ok? Well, I'm glad I have such a fabulous support system who believe in me and care. RJ is such a sweetheart. I texted him to tell him the bad news and he says "Focus more on your studies and not on me (That's too cute)...Look, I wont talk to you as much if I'm being a distraction". So I'm like "no silly, it's not you, I'm just... I don't know exactly what's going on." I called mom back too, I text her as soon as I found out my grade. She was like, "what's going on? This isn't you. So you had a crappy day?" Um, yeah. Enough said...

Tick, Tock

2009-07-07T22:04:00.026-05:00

Oh NO! My biological clock is ticking. Good news is, I have a sperm donor in California, a future husband in Austin, and apparently my dear friend (who is also ticking away) is pimping out my uterus ('cause I'd make cute babies jk, but I'm sure I would ;)) and since she wants one too, I think I'm gonna auction hers off on EBAY. so no matter what, I got a couple back ups. Oh, and if your interested, layaway may be available upon completion of my education. just kidding. Of course I want it the old fashioned way, but if all else fails I have options lol. Unfortunately, this all started because mostly everyone around me has kids or is pregnant. My best friend has the most adorable baby boy in the world. Every time I see him I think my uterus starts seizing reminding me that I am getting old and my eggs are dying. Just kidding. Just look at him! I fall in love every time I see him.
My main goal was to have a steady career so I wouldn't have to struggle when I do have a family. Since I am so close to having my career I am ready for the next step, or am I? I am, but at the same time I find it strange that as I get older a part of me seems to enjoy my life (with out having kids or having to answer to a husband), I guess I can be a little selfish, OK, OK a lot selfish, but what's wrong in having fun and enjoying life? I know, though, I will always feel incomplete with out kids. There has been a time when I was ready, however, not financially. I was pregnant but unfortunately for whatever reason, I lost it. I was heading into my second trimester. I look back and it hardly seems real any more. I took it really hard, but I see now that it was for the best and I don't feel bad for thinking that. My time will come. Patience is a virtue. And besides, I can love on little "Goosey" all I want until I get my very own...

Reflections...

2009-07-03T13:05:00.005-05:00

Three months left until graduation. All I can say is... WOW! Aside of being so proud of myself, I sometimes wonder if things didn't turn out the way they did, would I be where I am at today? As long as I can remember my dream was to become a nurse (eventually a doctor but baby steps Cyn, baby steps).

A couple years ago I fell madly in love with someone who I thought was my soul mate. We settled down together and made us a little love shack. Life was a struggle in every aspect, especially financially. I stopped going to school because we couldn't afford it. I knew I'd eventually go back, I just didn't know when. One thing led to another and after a couple years, we realized it just wasn't meant to be and threw in the towel. I packed my clothes, my desk (and computer), and my dogs and drove the somber three hour drive home. I was completely lost. I didn't know how to be "me" instead of "us".

I quickly picked myself up and marched on. I enrolled back in school to pursue my dream. I found myself again and I relished the single life (And STILL DO) because once its gone, its gone. Also because relationships make it difficult to focus. I took my pre-reqs and I remember applying for the nursing program (I also managed to earn two degrees, well associates, but degrees nonetheless). The expectations/requirements were high and I doubted myself and didn't think I would qualify. Despite my apprehensions I applied and I started my transition to earn my Bachelors in Biology just in case I didn't get in. That summer, I got my letter of ACCEPTANCE into the nursing program. Not bad I must say. I remember anticipating the letter. When it finally came I couldn't open it. My hands were shaking. THIS WAS IT. I opened it and the tears just flowed. I called everyone: my mom, my best friend, my close friends, my brother, EVERYONE! My cup overflowed with joy. That was almost three years ago. And here I stand... three months left until graduation.

This has been a great experience despite the lack of sleep, ehhh... somewhat of a disturbance in my social life (but not too much ; )) and family life, but it all was worth it. I'm not there yet, but I've been reflecting on everything that got me to this point. There are only 4 1/2 weeks left of actual class time, then we take our HESI if I pass the class, then passing the HESI leads me to my preceptorship. I am so close I can taste it. Nothing can stop me but myself, and I will be damned if that happens. And so what I was getting at... If I hadn't gone through all that I have where would I be? A struggling wife trying to make the best of what we had, a single mother trying to care for my child? I'll never know, but what I do know to be true is that everything happens for a reason. I am glad they did, and I'll never ask why.

I've made plans to move to San Antonio once I am done with school so I can pursue my education and work (obviously). I said the only thing that can keep me here is my grandmother, and by the looks of it, seems like I am not going anywhere (JUST YET). I cant leave her in her condition. I cant leave grandpa to be at home alone to care for her even though my aunt comes just about every day. I don't know... I'll see what is in store for me. AND I CANT WAIT! :D

Just one of those days... Uh, weeks

2009-06-30T16:07:00.011-05:00

This week, I am the Queen Bitch from Hell. Other names I've heard are "Mega-Bitch", SUPERBITCH, and "Queen B", take your pick (OK, no, I didn't really hear those names, at least not to my face, but that's what I gathered from the sour patch faces they were throwing my way, or perhaps it was the snooty, bitch faces I was burning into their skulls). Anyways I had errands to run to, what seemed was, all over the valley. To start off, my truck was hot and I left my house at noon (This was Tuesday), which obviously is the hottest part of the day, and to top it off, Valley heat is hotter than hell). I went to my first location, the chick went to lunch, I had to wait an hour, so I'm pretty moody by now because I am the most impatient person you could probably meet, unless... your waiting on me, but I kept my cool. I then go to the bank. I stand in line for 45 minutes for them to send me somewhere else, for them to send me back to the line after I waited 45 minutes waiting for them. By this point, I am smacking my lips and burning holes with my gamma ray laser eyes. I think I really had fume coming out of my ears and nostrils, and people knew it. I must admit I liked that feeling... very empowering. Innocent bystanders just step aside to avoid the raging bull. I cant exactly remember what else pissed me off that day but I don't think I wanna go there, I can already feel the anxiety level rising (Hmmmm, I guess you could say, I was like the "She-Hulk" or something). Perhaps it was a combination of PMS, stress, SF (figure that out on your own), and everything else. By the evening I made a complete 180 (THANK GOD!!! I was at the point where I couldn't even stand to be around myself. Now that's bad!) Missy invited me to go to the movies; we saw My Sister's Keeper. UGH!!! I'm such a sap. Nothin' like a chick flick to soften me up.

(I've been neglecting my fish. I know, I know. As I am sitting at my desk ranting, again, I notice my fish, Sushi and no name, and my frog, Mortimer just staring at me and their mouths moving saying "FEED ME". I guess they're hungry.)

Class was great. I think the lecture was on immune deficiency disorders, but dont quote me on that or anything. Yes, he lectured. Sigh... lol. I could see all the girls in my class staring at him too, laughing flirtatiously at his jokes, and twirling their hair. Bitches better step off or "She-Hulk" is gonna step in. Lol I'm just kidding, seriously. Seems like a lot of people were in a funk this week, including myself. Hmmm, Perhaps it's burnout from school.

We had the option to take a summer break before graduation, however the bulk of us figured we'd regret taking a break if we saw our classmates graduating in October and we'd have to wait until December. So... we sucked it up. No regrets, just ready for my three day weekend. In nursing we have to come up with care plans (which is basically what it is... an outline that plans care for a patient. Not sure where I'm going with that just yet... you, know... my mind needs to get back on track instead of letting my fingers do the typing. A Nursing diagnosis, which is different from a doctors diagnosis) is one that is made from data that is obtained from an assessment. OK... Here we go. As students (and I am not complaining) we hardly have time for anything, OK, OK...I am the exception, 'cause if I wanna go have a drink, I'm gonna. If I wanna go out, I'm gonna. Anyways... aside from doing what I want either way, I still get stressed, we still get stressed. We have to meet deadlines (and my fish are staring at me again... let me feed them), stay up to the wee hours of the morning or settle for 2 hours of sleep just to get paperwork done for the next day all while balancing family life, social life, and so on. Back to the point, I found this diagnosis for students... here it is. I thought it was cute and it fits... I know, its a little blurry. DEAL with it!

(Oh yeah... R/T means related to...just so ya know)

THREE MONTHS TILL GRADUATION!!!! (if I pass)

The way you make me feel...

2009-06-26T20:29:00.021-05:00

OK so this isn't a tribute to the late MJ but now that I'm here I may as well say a few words...

HMMM... When I think of MJ I think of this chick I used to work with named Diana. She had two idols, Michael Jackson and Britney Spears. Because she LOOOVEEEDDD Michael so much I used to call her Dirty Diana. One time at work, we had this 80's day where we dress up, uh... 80's style (NO SHIT, SHERLOCK). So Me, of course, idolizing Madonna like I do (What can I say, I'm a material girl living in a material world), decide to dress "Madonna-esque". I rock my lacy socks with heels, wear bangles, pearls, and a rosary, sported the cross earrings, I don't remember if I donned the lace gloves, scrunched my hair, made my fake mole, and yada yada. Basically, I rocked my outfit like no body's business, no shame. Dirty Diana comes to work with this t-shirt she made. I'm like, Diana, what are you wearing? She says, "Well, I bedazzled my shirt with rhinestones and made Michael Jackson's glove". (it as a black T-shirt with with a huge hand or "white rhinestone-y glove" on the entire front of her shirt, it also said KING OF POP, I think it was like in maybe red rhinestones). Whatever works for her, she loved it. Anyways, that's all I could come up with even though it wasn't necessarily a tribute to Michael.

So if it wasn't about MJ, then who? The notorious Mr (I cant say it out loud), of course. It turns out that I am not the only one that has taken a liking to our dear professor. It sorta just came up and so we discussed our mutual admiration for him; we giggled and blushed like little girls. So cute! I think I know another reason I am fond of him... He is so smart. Like Seriously! I am sucker for smart guys, no not dorky nerds, but the intellectual kind. He is so ingenious! I could watch him lecture all day... NOTICE HOW I DIDN'T SAY "LISTEN", please I couldn't fool myself (but not 'cause I dont want to, REMEBER... I suffer from ADD. And yes I said SUFFER, 'cause its a shame I cant sit through the entire class and listen to his words of wisdom). Anyhoo... I had a close encounter with the professor kind. TWICE!!! I needed him to sign some forms for me that dated back to the beginning of the semester, literally, and he is like ahhhh, Cynthia. I thought to myself, YES, scold me! Send me to the corner or make me write my name on the board, but instead I'd write Mr. (he who's name I can not say) with hearts all around it. LOL, JK. If he ever found out I was writing about him, I think I'd be pretty embarrassed. I saw him again in the hall way when I had to turn in some assignments in his office, he said hi and I batted my eyes and said hi back. lol. BE STILL MY HEART!!! Like I said I think he plays for the other team... At least let me enjoy my little crush... (Just so you know... He is not HOT in a sexy beast sorta way, but in his own little cute way... if that makes any sense)

Anyways, we have our first major exam on Monday for Med/Surg so I decided to cancel my trip to Corpus Christi so I could, dare I say it... STUDY. Now, I am not one to study much. I kinda just listen and learn, yeah, that sounds about right... Well I know how important this test is so I meet up with some peeps from school and formed a study group because I knew studying at home wasn't gonna happen. We arrive when the library opens which is at 11 and stay till closing, which was around 6. Some of us felt like we needed to go over some more material so we head out to Starbucks to continue our studying (I can only speak for myself but I think we all kinda wanted an excuse not to go home). We all know I have ADD, so I focus as much as I can, I tune in and out more often than I can count, but I think I learned quite a bit (I wish I could learn via osmosis, wouldn't that be grand?). I had a vanilla latte with a shot of espresso. YUM! Unfortunately I start to feel anxious and the information overload sure as hell didn't help. We leave at 9-ish all to do it again tomorrow. I better FREAKIN' pass this exam. I'm tired and I need some sleep... Wish me luck!

Devyn (Baby-D) I am sorry I missed your party ; (